Whoa.

Hey, thanks for following, Coley! I love the name of your blog.

Does anyone know who this is? 'Cause I'd reeeeeeally like to know...

~Stephanie

Finding Me

So. Hello. I'm not sure how to begin this post. The idea just sort of came to me today.

See, I visited a college. It's the college I want to go to. I've known that since seventh grade, and touring it only made me more positive that it is the only place for me. Stepping onto the campus felt like coming home.

But this post is not about college. It's about me.

{It's my blog, I'm allowed to be self-centered occasionally.}

I was sitting in the auditorium filled with other high schoolers that could potentially be my fellow college-mates. And as I was sitting there, I began to obsess over my image.

"Wow, her outfit is cute. I wish I'd worn something more original."

"Everyone's hair is straight. Should I have broken my three-month streak and followed suit?"

"My makeup did really badly today. No one is going to talk to me. I look like a freak."

"Why do I feel shy? Stephanie three years ago would not have been shy."

And the obsession slowly began to sink in and gain depth.

See...I've grown up a lot the past few years. I've changed a lot. Sometimes I think I've turned out better, and sometimes I'm appalled at who I've become. It's hard to explain, and I really don't understand it myself.

I recently bought my first Aeropostale shirt. Several of them. I also own a pair of American Eagle shorts. Before this year, I had never bought higher up the fashion food chain than, like, Kohl's. I felt great about my new clothes.

Until I saw myself in a mirror and almost threw-up.

I've conformed to society a little. I can talk about stupid, vapid things with other people now {albeit for limited amounts of time}. I say "like," and "totally," and "I know, right?" and occasionally squeal. I'm really into hott actors now {okay, so I always have been, but it's definitely gotten worse}. Sometimes it's nice to fit in. But mostly I just disgust myself.

Who is this? Who am I? Which parts of me are real, and which parts of me have I become to please people? How far is too far to go? Is it okay to have Aeropostale stuff, or is that really compromising who I am? Er, used to be.

See, I used to be a total nerd. I was really into reading and writing and I actually learned book languages {the Ancient Language from "Eragon," Tolkien's Elvish, Pretty Talk, etc.}. I wore whatever clothes I wanted to and didn't care what people thought. I was a complete grammar Nazi and wouldn't hesitate to let you know that you misplaced an apostrophe. I could never bring myself to giggle excessively and I most certainly never liked something just because it was mainstream. I wasn't always easy to get along with, because I was, well, really strange.

But I was ME.

Lately I've felt really good about myself. People kind of like me, I don't look horrid in every picture anymore, I'm confident, I'm tan, I paint my nails, and I text.

*reaches for a barf bag*

But today, it all came crashing down on me like a house of cards. I'm not who I was. At all.

Normally when people say that, they mean it in a good way. But I'm not so sure. I want to be ME and not who the world makes me, but how am I supposed to do that when I don't know who ME is? I've gotten so wrapped up in being "normal" or "fun" or "cute" or whatever the hell I am that I lost the real me. She's in there, I think, but she's buried really freaking far down.

She's probably somewhere between the outspoken nerd and the giggling conformist. I really hope I can find her.

I leave for Europe in two days. I'll be gone for 19. No family, no home friends, no America. Just me and God and the great wide world. It has the potential to be a tremendous time of self-discovery, and I desperately need that.

I hope I come back changed, guys. I really miss myself.

~Stephanie

How to Kill a Spider

There are three types of people in the world: those who fear little spiders, those who fear big spiders, and the insane.

I belong primarily to the second type, but I'm not a huge fan of anything with 8 legs. Unless you belong to the third type, you've most likely had to face an arachnid at one time or another. These {relatively} simple 7 steps should help you in your quest to overcome the 8-legged terrors of the world.

Step 1: Locate spider. You walk into the room. And something. Just. Doesn't. Feel. Right. *cue Darla music {HERE and press 3}* SPIDER!

Step 2: Classify spider. {This will help you in Step 4.} For our intents and purposes, there are four spider types: the speck spider {those tiny sand-colored ones}, the average black {creepy, but fairly common and not especially threatening}, the big kind {holy sh*t that sucker is SIZABLE}, and the REALY BIG kind {think tarantula}.

If the spider is on the move, proceed directly to Step 4.

Step 3: Observe surroundings. {This will also help you in Step 4.} Open Floor, Wall, Ceiling, Floor-Wall Edge, Bed or Among Your Stuff.

Step 4: Select weapon. There are a wide variety of possible weapons, but I'll stick to the basics: tissue/toilet paper, shoe or book.

The choice here can depend on your level of bravery, but as a GENERAL RULE I recommend using the tissue for Speck Spiders, the Shoe for the Average Black, a book for the Big, and your father/brother/random male off the street for the Really Big.

If the spider is a Speck or Average and on the Open Floor or the Wall, proceed to Step 5.

If the spider is in a difficult location such as the Ceiling, Bed, Among Your Stuff or Floor-Wall Edge or if it's Big, extra tools may be involved.

Ceiling: Grab a chair.

Bed: Grab a piece of paper or a flip-flop.

Among Your Stuff: Make sure you have something in both hands.

Floor-Wall Edge: Make sure your shoe has a narrow edge.

Big or Really Big Spider: Grab a large book {Dictionaries or Encyclopedias work well.}

Step 5: Act quickly. Psyching yourself up for this is not an option. You are not asking your dream date to the prom here, you are removing a vicious predator from your living quarters. Hesitation will only prolong your suffering, and the longer you wait the harder it will be. ACT. NOW.

If you are dealing with a spider on the Open Floor or Wall, make quick use of your weapon of choice. A quick, insulated grab with several tissues or a nice solid whack with a shoe is the way to go. If it is a Big Spider on the Open Floor, feel free to use the tissue or shoe, but you may find a book to be the best option. Position yourself as close to the spider as possible and dangle the book over it at as close range as you dare. Drop the book onto the spider. Your work here is finished for the day. In 24 hours check back and continue with Step 6 at that point.

If you are dealing with a spider on the Ceiling, Bed, Among Your Stuff or Floor-Wall Edge {the following instructions are the same for all spider sizes}...

Ceiling: Get on a chair and kill the spider with your weapon of choice.

Bed: Use the piece of paper or flip-flop to gently brush the spider onto the floor. No one likes to sleep with arachnid guts. Then use your weapon of choice to beat the life out of it.

Among Your Stuff: There are two ways to go about this. You can either try to move your things for a clear shot, or you can use your stuff as additional weapons. Either way, adrenaline is your best friend in these situations. Just get in there and kill the thing any way you can.

Floor-Wall Edge: If you're using a tissue, pound it. If you're using a flip-flop or other kind of shoe, smash the spider with the edge of the shoe and rub back and forth. Don't be alarmed if you have to repeat this a couple of times. Floor-Wall Edge spiders are difficult to get a good angle at.

Step 6: Gain closure. You know you won't be able to sleep until you have some closure on this. Throwing the guts in a trash can is okay for some, but you may feel better knowing the beast has been flushed away somewhere deep and far under the ground. I suggest gathering the crushed enemy in a tissue/toilet paper and flushing the sucker in the toilet. If it's too big to deal with or you're especially squeamish, feel free to place a Dictionary or Encylopediea over the spider's body until further notice.

Step 7: Recover. Deep breathing and gently consoling yourself out loud can be extremely effective. Make tea. Sing a lullaby. Find your old baby blanket. Whatever works.

~Stephanie

Celebrate

I'm proud to be an American

where at least I know I'm free.

And I won't forget the men who died

and gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up next to you

and defend her still today.

'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land.

God bless the USA.

My thoughts exactly, Mr. Greenwood.

~Stephanie

N Wich I Cumplane Bout Speling

Does this bother anyone else?

I'm not even talking about the age-old there/they're/their issue. I'm talking about just. plain. BAD. SPELLING.

Just this past week I have seen the following words butchered:

riddance ~ riddens {So...more than one ridden...}

conceited ~ conceded {So you admit to this ineptitude?}

conquered ~ concurred {Do you agree with this?}

ours ~ ars {Just say ass, okay?}

exact ~egsact {I've been sacked by worse.}

This is just sad, guys. I mean, typos are one thing. Bad grammar is another. But please, if you're this bad at spelling, run your sentences through Microsoft Word or something. Switch to Firefox. You can at least conceal your ignorance until we meet face to face.

~Stephanie

Death

This is sick. And kind of entertaining...

Death By Caffeine calculator.

~Stephanie

Have You Noticed This?

Put The Big Red Button on your site

~Stephanie