9.13.12

"Ask yourself:  now where would you be without days like this?"

I've thought that so many times with you.  When I look over when you aren't paying attention and think about how lucky I am; when I can just FEEL you loving me and wanting me to be happy; when I feel safe and hopeful and whole.

Where would I be without days like that?

That question fills me up, fills me to bursting with nostalgia and curiosity and apprehension and love.

Sometimes it brings me joy.  Days like that are treasures, such uncontainable gifts.  Where would I be without so much love and happiness?

Then sometimes it fills me with a rising panic, a desperation, a soul-shattering fear.  Where will I be without days like that?  How will I cope with the brual emptiness that fills my chest when I WON'T have days like that?

Either way, the question is haunting, beautiful.  It makes me feel like I can fly; it makes me feel like I'm falling.  I cherish the moments, the feelings.  Good or bad, what I feel is strong and glorious and terrifyingly beautiful.

Where would I be without days like this?

I don't know. When I do, I'll tell you.

~Stephanie