{?}

you know what i miss?

inspiration.

i miss not being able to focus on school work because there's a character in my head, screaming to be written about.

i miss being stressed out about an assignment because i chose to read a book instead of doing my work.

i miss being excited about a story idea. i miss thinking "this could be it! this might be the one that gets finished!"

i miss being unrealistic.

i miss being depressed about imaginary occurrances.

i miss the agonizing distraction of a good book.

i miss cold weather giving me story ideas.

i miss believing that one day, i'd be an author.

i miss ember and paige and kylie and lore and astraea and aleksandra and amyntas.

i miss moving my pencil, watching dialgoue spill across the page and thinking, "that's brilliant! why didn't i think of that?" when i guess i actually did.

i miss my characters writing themselves.

i miss being heartbroken. it's such fascinating inspiration. i wrote so much when i was heartbroken. isn't that a weird {stupid?} thing to miss?

i miss feeling like what i wrote was good. i miss having blog posts that i feel proud of.

i really want to be a writer. i think i am, somewhere, i just don't write. people at college don't even KNOW i'm a writer. isn't that sad? isn't that weird? all my life, people have known that i write stories. i didn't realize how much quieter that aspect of me has become until i come here and no one knows.

i told bekah the other day that i wrote stories.  her reply?  "Nuh-uh! Really?"

it's that hidden. no one knows.

i actually feel like poser when i call myself a writer now.

am i?

maybe.

i dislike this post. it doesn't say anything. there isn't a single line in here that i feel good about. there's nothing poetic or profound about this post. it's disorganized and uninspired.

i go through phases like this though. i always feel like i'll never write again. it's just that the phases usually last a few months.  this phase has been going on for well over a year. i'm starting to be worried.

am i not a writer after all?

i don't know what to do with myself.

~Stephanei