Colors on My Soul

"Teal”

10/27/14

I loved a boy with a teal soul.

He had teal eyes,

Neither blue nor green.

Ambiguous. Enigmatic.

Small and piercing; slicing, sharp.

They were a one-way door.

Sly and sneaking, seeking.

Secretive. Shocking. Stealthy.

They pierced, they sliced,

They sought, they stole.

It was a teal soul.

"Green and Gold"

10/28/14

I love a boy with brown eyes.

He has a soul of green and gold:

Deep with alive; rich with warm.

Gentle and bold.

Present and open; promising, proud.

They brought integrity.

Passionate and polite, perceiving.

Persistent. Pursuing. Purposeful.

They healed, they prodded,

They praised, they protected.

It made me whole,

His green and gold soul.

~Stephanie

Part 3

This Sole Broken Girl

11.11.13

This sole broken girl, and also this boy,

Just what have they done to themselves?

They made the wrong call, which caused them to fall

And the truth neither one of them tells.

That night in late spring, they had a good talk.

They would get right with God and be real.

So they gave it a shot and the girl soon forgot

How uneasy and wrong she could feel.

They worked very well, as everyone saw.

Communication between them was clear.

They made a good team and had fun in between

The busy-ness and growing-up fears.

But nagging away at the girl’s tender heart

Was the knowledge that things were not right.

She could not explain, so instead she refrained

From dragging the truths to the light.

Though they seemed great, on the outside at least,

The issues were brewing within.

The girl was too crazy and the boy was too lazy

And neither would admit their sins.

Dependent and selfish, depressed and depraved,

The girl fell into deep inner strife.

She couldn’t face God with her fragile façade

Of a girl who did right with her life.

Lazy, manipulative, lying and lax,

The boy had issues all his own.

By hiding a lot, more the girl he got.

When she pressed him, he’d throw her a bone.

One day she knew that things couldn’t go on.

She told him that night they were done.

He took it with grace and didn’t lose face

So the dating went down with the sun.

The conviction was strong, though she wasn’t sure why.

It was just that the doubts always stayed.

He looked in her eye, needing no reason why,

And said just “I love you, okay?”

Soon after that night, a big truth came out.

Something he’d hidden forever.

A secret of souls, a secret so cold

She knew they could not be together.

So this was the reason for all the distrust.

So that’s why she couldn’t have peace.

It made so much sense that the girl felt quite dense

And for weeks couldn’t make herself eat.

I won’t discuss here all the pain that she felt.

It would make you ache deep in your soul.

But know it was brutal, and healing was futile,

For the boy would not let the girl go.

She watched from afar as the boy changed his life.

He went running and writing and prayed.

Her heart swelled with pride and it warmed her inside

As he told truth and stood unafraid.

She heard of his changes and grudgingly thought

Was there someone there now she could date?

This new boy…perhaps, but she feared a relapse.

The unease there still would not abate.

But little by little, her memories broke her.

The boy held the same place in her heart.

She trusted him not, but the lonelier she got,

The closer she inched towards the start.

Summer came then, at a really bad time.

She was not whole enough yet to see him.

But he still filled her days in so many ways

And her shell of resistance grew slim.

Instead of becoming an item again,

The two dragged themselves back to the pit.

They were physically close, their excuses verbose

All the progress and hope meant not shit.

They kept up their exploits of touching and fun,

Hauling their skeletons to school.

Their words of respect someone sane would reject.

Their hollow plans turned them to fools.

Their souls were so sick, they did not even see

Just how far their carelessness ranged.

Til one final night full of errant delight

And suddenly—90% changed.

He did not respect her, because she gave in.

She’d known for a while it was lies.

Love? Respect? Or lustful? And wrecked?

Both their words are just that in my eyes.

Broken and tainted, deceitful and wrong.

Is this what the two have become?

After so many tries, and so many lies

The heart of this girl is just numb.

He doesn’t respect her, and she doesn’t him.

If they did, they would act for their good.

Words are just cheap, and the prices too steep

To continue this as they both would.

So here we are now, the poor girl is done.

She’s cut the boy off at the source.

She can’t take his word; his “love” is absurd

Her smooth thoughts and mind become coarse.

She will try to be done; she thinks that is right.

But she hasn’t the strength on her own.

She plans to try God, though that will feel odd

And pray one day she won’t be alone.

~Stephanie

P.S. Part 4 coming sometime this year... I'm doing much better than I was in November :) When the mood strikes, I'll write a final closing piece--probably.

Part 2

Remember That Girl?

11.14.12

Remember that girl, and also that boy?

This is now not the start, nor the end.

She mastered the art of winning her heart

And then let the boy in as a friend.

Fast-forward a while, a year if you will

To the lives of our fickle young teens

So much has occurred, so much growth has been spurred.

Lots more have they both thought and seen.

The girl wasn’t scared, the control was all hers,

So friendship was casual and nice.

She wasn’t quite sure if the boy’s feelings endured,

But testing it was not worth the price.

His clearance was low, she kept to herself

As one would expect from the past.

He still liked her a lot, and never forgot

How she’d caught him so hard and so fast.

For months upon months, he tried rather hard,

Though she felt and expressed nothing new.

She liked other guys and didn’t disguise

That she and the boy were all through.

The boy kept his space, he respect her there

Though he obviously hated her crushes.

It made her feel nice that she’d gotten him twice,

But her heart was unmoved by his pushes.

The girl had no time nor romantic desire;

She was happier just as she was.

She worked on her writing and found life exciting.

That’s what winning one’s heart often does.

Being free now from fear, her mind and soul grew—

A process the boy often helped.

He still stuck around, which was nice, the girl found.

She was surprised at how little she felt.

She made it quite plain that she felt not a thing,

Which the boy said was true for him too,

But she still felt the scope of the boy’s patient hope

And she struggled with just what to do.

She told him her thoughts, that there wasn’t a chance

And the boy let that be for a bit,

But as more time went by, the girl wondered why

They still seemed such a strange perfect fit.

After telling him no, one late winter night,

The girl started to feel something wrong.

The confusion inside built up til she cried.

She was mad; she’d stayed strong for so long.

What the hell did this mean? She demanded to know.

Why the hell did the boy even matter?

She confided at last to her best girl friend Cass

How her honestly-hard heart was shattered.

The boy was still there, she still spoke with him lots.

Three years had seen them stay friends.

They’d gone up and down and both gotten around.

The means could not explain this strange end.

The girl barely slept, her heart kept her up.

She struggled both in church and school.

Her feelings would pass, like they had at long last.

She refused to be seen as a fool.

Nightmares plagued her when she shut her eyes.

Was it wrong not to let her thoughts out?

What if he died with her thought still inside?

All her actions just filled her with doubt.

This went on for weeks, life was hard all around,

But the girl soon made up her mind.

If after trying her best, her thoughts wouldn’t rest

Then there was something in a “Them” to find.

She plotted to tell him how she really felt.

For the right time she waited weeks more.

When she told him at last, the relief followed fast,

Though she felt more reserved than before.

The boy proved himself soon, by asking her dad,

The step that had stalled him in past.

The girl heard with delight through the closed door that night.

She was worth the boy’s effort at last.

Dating was crazy and perfect and weird.

It took them a while to believe.

After years of just gray, dusk had given to day

Each other’s love they could freely perceive.

                               

What made this time different, you might want to know,

Since they’d never worked well in the past.

Their love story shows that with time you grow,

And ultimatums should seldom be cast.

The boy grew up loyal; the girl became strong.

They both became more of themselves.

The girl spoke without fear and the boy came to hear.

They took down their emotions from shelves.

The girl was still wary for months at the start,

Defenses and guards were still up.

But he loved her a lot, and he gave things a shot

And she told him at last that she loved him.

Months went by fast as summer and college flew by.

They kept close even though they were far.

They argued for fun, and over who won

And had fun even just in the car.

I guess time will tell if they make it forever

Forever’s a long time, you see.

But one thing’s for sure:  inner strength is the cure

For heartache and loving happily.

~Stephanie

Part 1

There Once Was a Girl

March 1, 2011

There once was a girl, and also a boy--

The most classic of all story starts.

But the normal ends here, and won’t reappear

In this tale of two separate hearts.

The girl was quite clever and happy with life

A free spirit who liked order too.

She knew who she was and liked it because

She always knew just what to do.

The boy was unique, an original for sure

With a quick wit and something all new.

He saw things just so, whether highly or low

And opened up truly to few.

The girl and the boy talked only one time

For the boy it seems that was enough

He was smitten quite hard and traveled quite far

But she wasn’t too into that stuff.

The boy didn’t give up or slack off all

Eventually, he figured, love wins.

He showed dedication and was a sensation

Among all the girl’s good friends.

The girl was herself, maybe more than before--

A boy wasn’t going to change her.

But after a while, he so made her smile

And her feelings became something stranger.

The boy was important, she let herself think,

But still he was only a friend.

She closed the door to anything more,

Thinking soon the whole thing would end.

The girl was just right, exciting and smart,

Surely not one the boy would let go.

She was flirty and nice and made him think twice

Before he did things that were low.

The boy and the girl made memories and plans

Silly ones, real ones and more.

They were perfectly odd and figured that God

Had led them to each others’ door.

Through big steps and little, the girl changed her mind.

Much too special was he to give up.

In the back of her head, the girl’s heart felt led

To let the boy know what was up.

But teen love won’t last, their heads told them both

So in order to see if it could,

They decided to wait, til a certain date

August 10^th, in six months, was good.

They made some more plans, for summer and life

Such golden and sweet weeks those were.

But how long could it last while moving so fast?

How long til the boy didn’t want her?

Slowly but surely, the challenge was gone.

He had caught her so now he was bored.

The chase had been fun, but now that he’d won

He felt she could just be ignored.

The boy stepped back, just to watch the girl wonder

Had she done something so very wrong?

The sweet things he said and his friendship both fled

Like harmony leaving a song.

The girl had been so sure that he’d been sincere

Having chased her for such a long time.

He’d helped her with writing and made life exciting...

The reason in all of life’s rhyme.

The boy broke his words as summer arrived.

Nothing was as he had promised her.

He hung with the guys, from sundown to rise

Doing things that made him a monster.

The girl’s heart was broken, to her great surprise.

She had never intended to care.

Love came in quiet and then raised a riot.

Now summer was empty and bare.

The boy found more chicks and had lots of fun

He talked to several at once.

The girl hid her pain behind laughing refrains

Of “Him? Oh, I’m done with that dunce.”

The girl’s friends believed her, well at least most,

But see, inside she was crushed.

After all they’d been through, what more could she do

But wait ’til her heart could be hushed.

As months rolled by, every promise was broken,

And the great plans were unfulfilled too.

The girl still got by, but she still wondered why

Her soul was feeling so blue.

The boy had a thought, one night in September:

Would she come back if he said that he’d change?

He decided one night with cruel delight

To see how far the girl’s feelings ranged.

The girl was no fool, as you already know,

But the boy had long gained her full trust.

He pulled at her heart, asked for a new start.

She said yes, but change was a must.

But though she was thrilled, her head said “Watch out.”

She had shed over him lots of tears.

As a matter of fact, she had made a pact

Not to say “I love you” for years.

The boy kept up his act, a couple of weeks

But he noticed that something was off.

The girl felt it too, but only she knew

It was because she wasn’t in love.

She liked him okay, but more from afar.

She knew now he wasn’t for real.

He meant no offense, but she had then since

Decided her heart he can’t steal.

She’d hurt for so long that she hadn’t felt

The healing that had since begun.

Although he soon left, she felt not bereft

Because her own heart she had won.

~Stephanie