Yahweh

As I sit at my desk, waiting for my 11 o'clock interviewee to pick up her phone, it strikes me that it has been more than a month since I posted here. Or anywhere, really. I haven't posted on Reason in the Rhyme in even MORE than more than a month. That is especially embarrassing, because it's my "professional" blog. I am literally broadcasting that I am a writer who does not write.

But while I've been living my life and not writing, things have been going rather well. My not-so-little-anymore sister went to Europe and returned without trauma. My church hosted an awesome pastor named Peter Lord. Two of my unbiological brothers are now allowed to consume alcohol in public. Cassidy has slept at my house and dog sitting houses more than at her own. My parents have been great givers of freedom and trust to me. And Gem has been, well, the only person I can imagine wanting to spend my life with. What's new.

Oh, and I cleaned my room. Once.

All in all, my takeaway for this half of the summer has been that God is real. I'm not sure exactly why. I haven't seen anyone instantaneously cured of cancer before my eyes. {But I did see a woman with unexplainable, persistent back pain feel better a day after my church laid hands on her and prayed.} I haven't had amazing quiet times. {But I have been HAVING quiet times, as short and shallow as they sometimes are.} I haven't had incredible supernatural powers. {Although I think I have finally forgiven the biggest offense ever committed to me, which is nothing short of a miracle.} God didn't suddenly unveil his master plans to me. {But he did prove to me that his love and promises are true.}

It's interesting:  I didn't plan any of those bracketed statements. I was actually just trying to explain to you why it didn't make sense for me to feel so strongly that GOD IS REAL. But as I sit here and try to tell you that this hasn't been a God summer, I am convicted even more strongly that it WAS. It so was.

I see God working in the lives of everyone around me, and it's inspiring. Cassidy is journaling and studying the Bible and examining her future plans, and I really feel a huge difference in the strength of her character. She's becoming more of who she is in God, and it inspires me.

Sarah says things like, "I feel pretty good about it. I've been praying a lot," and my eyes open to the fact that she is not just my little sister, but a very effective and committed warrior of Christ.

Gem...God is so real to Gem that sometimes it's like I can feel God through Gem. I don't know how else to say it. Gem prays to God like he expects an answer. He turns to God like he expects to be supported. He listens to God like he trusts him. He pursues God like he finds him enthralling.

God is so real to me right now. I want to know him. I want to follow him. I want to be on his side.

I hope this post doesn't seem like directionless fluff. I didn't know what I wanted to say when I sat down, but I think this is it. I think this is what I wanted to say.

God is real, and I hope this post has piqued the interest of your heart, because God really wants to know you.

~Stephanie

P.S. It just occurred to me that I chose "True" as my word of the year. Authentic. Real. Huh :)

It's Too Bad

I wish my mother would stop talking to me. She's been talking to me for two straight days. I'm about to scream. I can't read, I can't eat, I can't blog, I can't do laundry, I can't watch TV without her talk, talk, talk, talk, talking to me.

My best friend and sister, Sarah, has started dating PC's best friend. As a result, she's been hanging out with his old friends at their apartments. As a result, she has become rude to/about me. Apparently that's what these people do:  ruin healthy good, relationships.

I haven't seen Cassidy in about two weeks. We've both been working. In my case, that means lots of smiling at high-maintenance parents and dealing with paperwork. In her case, it means hanging out with her best friends and favorite animals.

Gem has been busy at the times when I'm free. I've been busy at the times he is free. I'll see him tomorrow and Sunday though, which is nice.

Maybe I'll hang out with my friend Kirsten sometime. We enjoy each other.

Maybe I'll hang out with my friendbrother David. He's also lonely as fuck and emotionally unavailable. We understand each other that way.

It's too bad PC is a lying, manipulative headcase. I could really use the friend he used to be right now.

~Stephanie

Re: Summer 2013

 I looked back at the Summer To Do list I had posted a few months ago. I expected to be bitterly disappointed with my lack of success and feel like a tearful failure as I head back to school on Sunday.

I was pleasantly surprised.

~ work at dance Check. I filed papers, painted paper castles, ordered shoes, taught dances to "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes," painted the wood behind the barre, made Home Depot runs, and got paid for hanging out at one of my favorite places on earth. I love these people, I love to dance, and I love getting paid for being with people I love and dancing. Check a thousand times over.

~ go to the beach Check, twice. I went once with my family, where I walked a lot and hung out with my really cool bestfriendsister, Sarah. Then I went with PC and his family, where we made three separate trips to an awesome rock store {as in labradorite and amethyst}.

~ fall deeper in love with God It seems weird and wrong to check this off of a list. I definitely got some pointers on how to hear him and live my life the right way. I'm excited to listen to him this fall.

~ read "Paradise Lost" I straight up did not do this XD It's been on my summer list since I started it in tenth grade. It'll happen one of these days.

~ learn more German I didn't learn, like, a LOT more German, but I feel slightly more familiar with it, and I can now say "cheese," so I'm counting this as Check worthy. Check.

~ get my eyebrows done for once Not check. I think it's actually not that important to me, though I still would like to have them done.

~ travel with Cassidy Check. I definitely did this. Florida was hot and interesting and funny. California was crisp and clear and relaxing and financially wonderful.

~ see "The Great Gatsby" at midnight Check. Technically I saw it at 10pm instead of midnight, but I actually count that as being even better. The movie was breathtakingly, phenomenally, gloriously perfect. I cannot stress enough how beautiful it was. However, I think you have to read the book first to "get" it.

~ get my body back to where I don't hate it Check, actually. I started going to boot camp again, and while I'm still critical of myself, I can see muscle and I'm currently tan, which equal me not walking around the house literally all of the time and telling myself how disgusting I am.

~ catch lightning bugs with PC Check. We did not precisely catch lightning bugs, however, just the other night, we found a lightning bug trapped in thick grass. At the same time, we saw a point of yellow-green glow emanating from the ground. I didn't know what it was, because I'd never seen a bug get stuck and keep lighting up, but when we investigated, there it was. It was inexplicably fascinating to me.

~ eat stuffed crust pizza for the first time I can remember Not check. This one disappoints me. I really want stuffed crust pizza, like, a lot. Mur.

~ read "Nineteen Eighty-Four" Not check, because I couldn't find it even though I know we own it. I only read two books this summer: "A Mirror for Princes" and "The Book of the Bizarre."

~ write something Check :) I journaled a lot, and wrote something that's currently titled "One Percent." I like it a lot, even though I have no idea what's going on. Maybe I'll post it sometime.

This summer was amazing. I must be the luckiest person in the world. It was perfect. Wow. Just wow.

I am ready to go back to school and be the best version of Stephanie this world has ever seen.

~Stephanie

{2013 Summer}

~ work at dance
~ go to the beach
~ fall deeper in love with God
~ read "Paradise Lost"
~ learn more German
~ get my eyebrows done for once
~ travel with Cassidy
~ see "The Great Gatsby" at midnight
~ get my body back to where I don't hate it
~ catch lightning bugs with PC
~ eat stuffed crust pizza for the first time I can remember
~ read "Nineteen Eighty-Four"
~ write something

~Stephanie

Twenty-Twelve

The other day, Hazel blogged about what she wants to do this summer. The day before I read her post, I'd made my own Summer To-Do List, so I figured I'd share mine as well :)

I hate the feeling at the end of the summer when I'm like, "But...there was so much I wanted to do!" Hopefully this year I'll be able to get through my list, because it's only eight freaking things long. Come on, Stephanie, you can pull this off...

1. Apply to my backup college.
Yeahh...that'd be good.

2. Get a job.
*sigh* Desperately. Need. To do this.

3. Catch lightning bugs.
Potentially with PC.

4. Go to the zoo.
:DDDD MUST DO THIS.

5. Write.
My souls needs this again.

6. Go to the lake.
It's literally a five-minute walk from my house. And somehow I don't go there enough.

7. Read 10 books.
Books are monumentally important.

8. Get back in shape.
I feel better when I am. I forgot about that.

~Stephanie

Terminated

You might know that I tutor a first-grader named Collin every day at 4 o'clock. Sometimes I hate the kid, but a lot of the time he's pretty cool, and I love, love, LOVE watching him improve in reading. He's such a real little person. It's great.

I've been gone a lot recently, what with Italy and the senior beach trip, and I totally missed the little guy. The week between Italy and the beach was a ton of fun with him, because he'd missed me too. He was extra good and fun and gave me pictures of my favorite animal {white tiger}. I was happy when I drove to his house on Monday at 3:55.

His mom answered the door, I complimented her new haircut, and she said,

"Thanks! Collin actually doesn't have homework."

"Oh," I said, surprised. "Well, cool." I'll just go home and continue to unpack my bloated suitcase.

"He made his reading goal," Mrs. Deanna continued. "and they don't have homework for the rest of the year."

"Oh." My mind stopped and focused on the moment. "Wait. Oh. Oh, he doesn't have any homework...ever...?"

Mrs. Deanna nodded, smiling. "Yep, he's good. He still has to read three times a week to keep up the skill level, but no more homework."

"Well, that's awesome!" I said, smiling. "How cool. You must be glad."

She nodded. "The peace around the house has been great."

"Awesome," I repeated. "So, you want me to come three times a week?"

"Nope," Mrs. Deanna shook her head. "No, we've got it. He's doing great with us now."

"Oh. That's great!" I shifted my weight. "I'll just see you guys on Sundays then."

"Sounds good. Thanks so much, Stephanie!"

"No problem..."

She called the dog back inside and shut the door as I got into the Kia, turned my music back on, and maneuvered down their driveway.

Today hasn't been that great for me emotionally. I haven't been crying or anything, and nothing awful has happened, but I've been scared out of my mind and finding it difficult to breathe.

I'm about to leave my entire life behind me, whether physically if I get into Wake Forest, or symbolically if I end up getting a job and ceasing to be a child.

I cleaned my room today and almost flipped out. Just seeing normal things puts me on the edge of an emotional abyss of...void. I'm trying to hold on to things that are constant, like my family and...I mean, and God...and...well, I've been having trouble coming up with things that are solid.

It never occurred to me that I'd be losing my tutoring before school was out. I knew the end was near, but I didn't think I'd run right into it. I didn't realize I was about to hit a cement wall of k-thanks-bye.

Mrs. Deanna was very nice about it, and it wasn't as if I were getting FIRED or something. Losing that job is difficult and sad because I owe my parents $100 a month for being a dumbass and getting in a car wreck, and tutoring was my only source of income.

But the money isn't what hit me the hardest. It was driving down their driveway for the last time. It was saying "bye" to their poodle for the last time. It was knowing I'd never have to be home by 3:55pm again. It was knowing I'd never hear Collin say, "Ooh, that was ninja E" or "NO PEEKING" or "Is that gonna be your new favorite book?" again.

I'm gonna miss Collin the Demon Seed. I'm gonna miss pretty much everything about it, I realize now. The challenge of making him get things correctly, the joy of watching him understand, the fun of having lightsaber duels when we finished early, even the tantrums and days when it takes him an hour and a half to spell six words.

I'm gonna miss him, but the worst part was the abruptness. I had no idea his homework didn't continue up til the last day of school. Yesterday I had a steady income and a kid's education in my hands. Today all I have is an empty wallet and a hole in my chest.

One of the last few things I could count on has been yanked out from under me. I don't like this whole "growing up" thing.

~Stephanie

.BEACH RECAP.

Day 1 {Saturday}:

Driving to the beach.

Making horrible faces in the car.

Waves.

Current.

Sun.

Wind.

Spaghetti.

Mint chocolate chip ice cream.

Cookies'n'Creme Extreme ice cream

"Star Trek: the Prequel"

Day 2 {Sunday}:

Church.

Sermon about names {:O MY FAVORITE.}

Lasted less than an hour.

Winddddd.

Waves.

Current.

Impressive sandcastle

Sun.

Finish "Star Trek."

Citrus chicken.

Day 3 {Monday}:

Waves.

Current.

Sun.

Wind.

CRAZY CASTLE.

MASSIVE MOAT.

Long walk/run alone.

Thunderstorm blew up.

Running in the fat raindrops, rolling thunder, streaking lightning, crashing waves and blustery wind.

Amazing feeling.

Frozen pizza.

Watching the castle get attacked by the waves until midnight with a hott guy. {asterisk}

Day 4 {Tuesday}:

Inside day {don't want to tempt my sun poisoning}.

Reading.

Eating.

Watching "Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief"

Reading.

Reading.

Eating.

Sun poisoning showing up anyway.

Reading.

Calling my friend and tell her happy birthday.

Chocolate chip cookies.

Hitting the beach stores.

Day 5 {Wednesday}

Calmer waves.

Rebuilding sandcastle bigger, taller, stronger, faster than before.

Getting sunburned on my back.

Reading.

Tacos.

Getting an upset stomach from Mexican.

Reading.

Finishing the Hunger Games trilogy {*adds another book to the list of books that have made me cry*}

Day 6 {Thursday}

Sleep in day.

Raid the beach house bookshelves.

"Forture" by Erica Spindler.

Reading.

Reading.

MY GRANDPA COMES TO VISIT :D

Celtic necklace. {asterisk asterisk}

Italian foooood!

Hottttttttttttt waiterrrrrrrr. {asterisk asterisk asterisk}

Designated GIRLS NIGHT.

Popcorn.

Ice cream.

Cookies.

Painting nails.

Watching "You've Got Mail."

Giving ourselves those sexy stick-on-with-a-washcloth tattoos.

Watching "17 Again."

Going to bed at 2am.

Day 7 {Friday}

Another inside day.

Reading.

Reading.

Reeeeeeeading.

Walking 4 miles on the beach alone and seeing hott guys.

Day 8 {Saturday}

Packing up.

Coming home.

:(

Asterisk {Watch the castle get attacked by the waves until midnight with a hott guy}:

So. Cassidy and I built this really kick-ass sand castle. Well at least it WOULD HAVE BEEN if we'd had about ten people and three weeks to build. But we didn't. So we built the BEGINNING of a really kick-ass sandcastle. You could easily bury four grown men in the moat. It was about three feet deep and ten feet long. The castle walls were over a foot thick and built really beautifully if I do say so myself.

Unfortunately, we knew when the tide came it that the Steph-and-Cass-Castle would be history. So we decided to park ourselves behind the structure and watch it be destroyed.

It got really dark and really beautiful and really peaceful and really imagination-inspiring. We had some fascinating conversations, peed in the ocean and almost saw Jack Sparrow.

Then around 11, just as the waves were beginning to reach our moat, this figure comes walking down the beach with a flashlight.

We were used to that by then; apparently late-night beach walks aren't that uncommon. We'd been calling to the people to watch out for the moat, because, well, it was pretty damn deep and someone could really get hurt just falling into it by surprise. So we called out to the figure, "Moat! Watch the moat!"

It got closer. It was a guy. Whatever.

"A moat?" He got closer. "Daaaaang."

Me: "Yeah. It's massive." He was an OUR AGE guy. Well, maybe a little older, but definitely not out of range.

Guy: "Good thing you said something," he said. "I just had knee surgery; I'd have fallen right in."

Me: *laughs* "Yeah, that would have sucked." {<--no points for originality, I know.} "We've been building this castle all day and decided to watch the waves tear it down."

Guy: "You just built this??"

Me: "Well not JUST built it, but yeah. All day long."

Guy *circles castle* "Wow. I wanna watch this thing too."

And he did.

He sat down in the sand and I sat down next to him. He was really funny, nice, smart, and polite. I found out he's going to college this fall. And, get this, he lives near me. Like 15 minutes away. WHAT ARE THE FREAKING ODDS??

And then I killed it.

Guy: "So are you guys high school or college?"

Me: "High school." {This is where I should have said we'd be seniors, but DIDN'T. UGH.} "We're home schooled." SH*********************T. >>>.<<< I don't know when to shut up. Truth is we ARE home schooled, but DANG. He didn't ASK.

And then it gets worse.

After a really smooth, fun goodbye conversation, we parted ways happily.

And I never. got. his. name.

-________-

So basically. I suck. I had truelove practically in my reach {ex dee} and I dropped it. I didn't just let the sucker go, I DROPPED HIM. URGH.

So yeah. Sob story over.

Asterisk Asterisk {Celtic necklace}:

This asterisk isn't that long. I took about twenty minutes deciding which Celtic necklace to buy. Chances are you won't know this, but I'm obsessed with Celtic stuff. Culture, jewelry, Ireland, etc.. I love it. I also really get into symbolism. So when I stumbled across these necklaces that held both, PLUS they were really freaking pretty, it was a tough decision.

I struggled between five different choices. If you're actually interested, click on the name and it'll tell you about the necklace. I also took the descriptions into account when choosing; I'm not one to go by just the pretty look.

Dragon - Guardian Spirit I liked the dragons XD

Cerridwen - Transformation, Inspiration I liked the pattern and what it stood for.

Cat - Intuition, Prophecy I liked this a LOT because of the title. It applied to me.

Celtic Cross - Celestial Energy I basically just liked the way this one looked. It was the one that first caught my eye. Unfortunately I didn't like the description that much.

Spirals - Spiritual Growth I liked the description a lot, but not so much the actual necklace.

In the end, Transformation Inspiration won. I liked the look, I liked the symbolism, and it seemed like the perfect thing to take to Europe. I'll hopefully be inspired, transformed.

Asterisk Asterisk Asterisk {Hottttttttttttt waiterrrrrrrr}:

I'll try to make this brief, but it's late at night as I'm writing this and I just can't seem to shut up.

There was a hott waiter at the Italian restaurant. He unfortunately looked a little young, maybe more 16ish, but DAAAAANG he was SO ATTRACTIVE. He reminded me and Cass of Jeremy Sumpter. Like, a lot. He was TALL and lanky {totally my thing} with brown hair and the most attractive face. We both loved his voice {which is a big deal for me} and his smile was absolutely Hayden Christensen-esque. The butter on the table melted.

There was quite an awkward moment between us though. When he was filling my sister's water glass, I was staring at him. I know, bad move, but he seemed really absorbed in the whole icewaterpitcher thing, so I felt safe. Riiiiight.

He looked up. Saw me staring. Oops. I looked down, but it wasn't all that subtle. And THEN. It was time to fill my glass. He had to reach an awkwardly long distance because of where I was sitting, so I decided to help him. I reached for my glass, and so did he. Our hands touched. Oops again. Then we both did the awkward "I'll-get-it-no-you-get-it" dance with our hands a couple of seconds before he said in his smooth, amused, attractive voice, "I got it."

He did. He had it allllll.

So yeah. I really do apologize for being so high school {or maybe even middle school. yech.} about all this. It's just that I'm exhausted and I had the best beach trip ever and I missed two amazing guys, so I'm a little torn up at the moment. Yeah.

That's gotta be it.

Oh. And my sister took pictures. Like, a lot of pictures. Here are some of them. Captions on the bottom.

Me and Cass making the Slug Face. Isn't it absolutely repulsive?

Me and a giant cheetah. Yeah.

So apparently I look cool in the wind like that. With a towel... *sigh* Living with a photographer is never dull.

Tattooooos.

Finish product :D You can't see it well {I might find more pictures later, but I'm TIRED}, but it's a little curve of stars and a dolphin jumping over my belly button.

Building our castleeeee.

Again.

My...eye...

~Stephanie

Loving Life

Thanks for following, Jay and Danielle!! You guys are so awesome.

I really love my life, you guys. Right now, I just feel so happy and content. My life isn't perfect and there are things I would change, but right now I just feel great. Junior year was one of the best years of my life, and I'm so glad I just lived it and loved it.

I got accepted to go to Europe.

I actually tried my best in school.

I got over someone completely, ftw.

I got a LOT closer to my class friends.

I applied for a job.

I had the best birthday party ever.

I went to DISNEY WORLD.

I met Aladdin and Jasmine (I SWEAR, guys, it was really them. Not joking.)

I learned Spanish.

I got a heater for my room.

I started working out.

I found Happy Days, Bonanza and The Waltons.

I effortlessly let go of a friend that needed to be let go, and I'm okay.

I can drive (sort of).

I finally read the Harry Potter series.

I went to Catalyst.

I got side bangs.

Cassandra Clare published TWO books.

I saw Beastly.

My legs aren't in bad shape for once.

I got closer to God.

I SAW A SHOOTING STAR.

I got a phone that's awesome.

So yeah. I love my life. Junior year was great. Bring on Junior Summer.

SENIOR year...

Yeah. Let's not think about that yet.

~Stephanie

ilovesummer

Btw guys, go to Google today. It's pretty awesome.

Summer is...

waking up late to bright, warm sun.

throwing the sheet off to reveal tanned skin.

using your muscles in ways you haven't all year.

wearing less clothes.

steamy air and gentle breezes.

flip-flop tans.

getting good at mounting a float.

living in a bikini.

gliding under the water and feeling like a mermaid.

eating less and playing more.

spending more time in the lake than on the land.

perfecting the technique of running on sand.

late-night trips to Target.

having 70% of your diet be fruit.

...and the other 30% be ice cream.

watching your body get brown and your face get freckled.

blurring the line between family and friends.

living each day moment to moment.

painting your nails, even though the lake water chips them.

coming home at dusk, still feeling rocked by the water.

being consumed by that warm, exhausted, contented tiredness.

stumbling to bed at 10 o'clock.

ilovesumer.

~Stephanie