Lately...

"When you choose your friends, don't be short-changed by choosing personality over character." ~ W. Somerset Maugham

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off." Gloria Steinem

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%...and that's pretty good."

"Anyone who does not take truth seriously in small matters cannot be trusted in large one either." ~ Albert Einstein

"Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company." ~ George Washington

"Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love." ~ Fyordor Dostoyevsk, The Brothers Karamazov

"The depth and strength of a human character are defined by its moral reserves. People reveal themselves completely only when they are thrown out of the customary conditions of their life, for only then do they have to fall back on their reserves." ~ Leonardo da Vinci

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." ~ Mark Twain

~Stephanie

P.S. Also, I screwed up last night. First day of the year. I did not see that coming. I'm not sure how long the clean streak was. Not a year or anything, but probably several months. *sigh* Here we go again.

I Will Not Be a Cold and Timid Soul

Day Seven: The thing you're most afraid of

The answer "losing people" immediately springs to mind. It's the answer I've typed into countless tags, used for countless youth group devotions, chosen for countless examples of fears. It's so automatic now. Without meaning to, I've ingrained that simple, solid fear into my mind. That doesn't necessarily make it any less true or valid, but its mindless, knee-jerk quality signifies that it's time to reevaluate.

What am I most afraid of?

Failure, I think.

Most of my fears can be traced to under the great, dark umbrella of "Failure."

If I lose someone, it's because I failed to keep them.
If I miss someone, it's because I fail to control my heart.
If I realize that I'm wrong, it's because I failed to choose the right answer.
If I don't get married, it's because I failed to fall in love at the right time.
If I get fat, it's because I failed to make good lifestyle choices.
If I get rejected, it's because I failed to make myself desirable enough.
If I don't get a good job, it's because I failed to plan sufficiently.

All I've ever wanted in life was perfection. The perfect friends, the perfect love, the perfect school, the perfect degree, the perfect job, the perfect body, the perfect family. Is that really too much to ask?

Um. Yes?

Life isn't ever going to be perfect. I can bust my ass trying and make myself {and those around me} miserable, or I can do my best and leave the rest to God. He won't let me truly fail. I might fail to keep someone; I might fail to stay thin; I might even fail a college class. But if I put my trust in him and my effort behind his will, I really believe that "all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

Also this:

"The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat" ~ Theodore Roosevelt

~Stephanie

Lonely Games

Day Four:  Your favorite quote and why

This question is outrageously difficult for me. My "favorite" quote depends on what mood I'm in, which quotes I can currently remember, and what kind of quote the situation calls for.

*forty-five minutes later* Alright, I've picked my quote. {But see the Quotes tab at the top of Peripeteia to see the runners up.}

"I'm afraid that sometimes you'll play lonely games too. Games you can't win 'cause you'll play against you."
~ Dr. Seuss 

I love the way this quote feels. It feels elegantly chilly, pale blue, and feather-light. It feels like a whisper and a hand barely brushing your shoulder. It feels like all alone in an empty room, hearing a voice that resonates from your heart until you hear it in your ears, swelling with murky clarity.

I've read that quote at least ten times now, and it continues to give me chills. The truth and wisdom are haunting.

I wish I could explain what it means to me, but I'm having trouble understanding it myself, much less putting it into words. I also think it will mean something equally pointed but different to everyone who reads it, so my explanation wouldn't mean much to you.

A house divided cannot stand; a You divided cannot win.

~Stephanie

BritLit Lines

Please humor me. These lines/quotes caused me to stop in the middle of my BritLit reading and gape. Please read them. I can't be the only one who feels the impact of such beautiful phrases.

{I mean, maybe XD}

"A man's reach must exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?" ~ R. Browning, Andrea del Sarto

"I regret little, I would change still less." ~ R. Browning, Andrea del Sarto

"I would trust you before any man alive, ay, before myself." ~ Stevenson, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

"A thing unknown without a name
Born of the air and doomed to flame."
~ Barbauld, An Inventory of the Furniture in Dr. Priestley's Study

"There was no man from whom he kept fewer secrets than Mr. Guest; and he was not always sure that he kept as meany as he meant." ~ Stevenson, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

"But I had voluntarily stripped myself of all those balancing instincts by which even the worst of us continues to walk with some degree of steadiness among temptations." ~ Stevenson, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

"The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If I ever get married, I'll certainly try hard to forget the fact." ~ Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

"The truth is very rarely pure and never simple. Modern life would be very tedious if it were either, and modern literature a complete impossibility!" ~ Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

"...that which we are, we are--
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."
~ Tennyson, Ulysses

"Thou hast not lived, why should'st thou perish, so?"
~ Arnold, The Scholar Gypsy

"Who hesitate and falter life away,
And lose tomorrow the ground won today--"
~ Arnold, The Scholar Gypsy

"But in between these two classes there is a huge dump of worn-out metaphors which have lost all evocative power and are merely used because they save people the trouble of inventing phrases for themselves." Orwell, Politics and the English Language

"O let not Time deceive you,
You cannot conquer Time."
~ Auden, As I Walked Out One Evening

"Time held me green and dying
Though I sang in my chains like the sea."
~ Thomas, Fern Hill

"But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror's magic sights,
For often through the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes of lights
__________And music, went to Camelot;
Or when the moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed:
"I am half sick of shadows," said
__________The Lady of Shalott."
~ Tennyson, The Lady of Shalott

{Make time to read all of "The Lady of Shalott" sometime. It's one of the most perfect things I've ever read. I get chills and fall inside myself at the ending every time.}

~Stephanie

Ask Yourself

"Ask yourself:  Now where would you be without days like this?"

I have that quote from Shinedown's "Amaryllis" written in cool lettering and duct taped to my dorm room wall.  It's the first thing I see when I wake up, right next to some pictures of my family.  I glance over to it inadvertently all throughout the day.  Every time I see it, I ask myself.  Where would I be without days like this?

Sometimes I'll be having a wonderful day.  School work will be flying by, the sun is shining, I feel loved, and a visit home is in sight.  Without days like that, it would be difficult to stay positive.  Without days like that, I might lose confidence in myself.  Without days like that, the bad days would be worse.

Sometimes I'll be having an unlucky day.  My alarm didn't go off, my toothbrush fell on the floor, and my pencil broke.  Without days like that, I wouldn't be able to appreciate the good days.  Without days like that, I'd be a spoiled, maladjusted person.  Without days like that, I'd have no quirky things to write about.

Sometimes I'll be having a tragically sad day.  A friend stood me up for dinner, I feel like I'm pestering Sam and Cassidy, and I found out I can't go home when I expected to.  Without days like that, I wouldn't know how to handle the bad days in life.  Without days like that, I wouldn't be able to grow as a person.  Without days like that, I wouldn't have written countless really-good-but-excruciatingly-depressing pieces.

Sometimes, it's just a day. It's pretty boring, a little irritating, but mostly alright.  Without days like that, life would be a series of catastrophes and emotional rollercoasters.  Without days like that, I'd be exhausted and beg for a break.  Without days like that, I'd never get any school work done.

Every day has a point.  There is a reason for every single day.  God doesn't just toss the dice and deal out circumstances for absolutely no reason.  Days like this, days like that, they all have a purpose.  See what you can learn from them.  Find the constructive.

Ask yourself:  Now where would you be without days like THIS?

~Stephanie

The First Day

{Emotional drama ahead. I get really descriptive with my emotions sometimes. I'm a drama queen. But writing it all out like this is kind of helpful. I apologize for the length and the intense disappointed sadness.}

"Go back a little to leap farther." ~ John Clark

I like that quote. But I doubt that's what I was thinking when I broke my 20-month clean streak {clean from what? Click HERE for that post} a couple of days ago.

It's confusing. Confusion was the first emotion I felt at 1:30am last Wednesday. Huh? What had broken me? Why had I given in? How was that night different from the other 607?

The confusion was followed by disbelief. This hadn't really happened. It had to be a dream. I didn't actually throw away a year and a half of determined effort. I wouldn't do that. That's not something I'd do.

But, like, it was. I had really done that.

That's when the gut-chilling, spirit-crushing, somehow-tangible burden of disgusted, disappointed, nauseated, crippling regret descended.

I had somehow talked myself into believing I wouldn't regret it that time, despite the fact that I have always monstrously regretted every other time I've slipped up. Why did I decide to believe that lie? There was no evidence to support it! It didn't make sense. It DOESN'T make sense.

After I messed up, I couldn't be still. I was actually afraid to be still, like I thought my problem was something physical that could literally catch me. I walked around the big room downstairs. I went to my room. I ran upstairs. I had lots of rapid, choppy, blurred thoughts.

Then the feeling of regret started to feel too heavy to move around. I stood still. I held my head up with my hands. I stared at myself in the mirror.

I felt really alone. Not in a pitiful, sad way, but in a violently terrified, I-am-literally-the-only-person-alive-right-now kind of way.

I texted Sam. "I really hope this doesn't wake you up, but I have to tell someone: I fucked up. 20 months clean and I just fucked up. I don't even know what to do."

The text did not wake him up, and that was a good thing, but I was still irrationally afraid that there might not be anyone else on the planet with a beating heart and working lungs. So I texted Aaron.

"Are you awake?"

"Yes."

"I just broke my 20-month clean streak. I don't even know what to do."

"...nothing? Move on? Nothing else you can really do."

He then proceeded to talk me up from I Fail At Life And Don't Want To Breathe Anymore to I Feel Terrible But I Guess I Should Sleep Now.

The next day--yesterday--was really difficult. I had forgotten how difficult it could be. I had actually forgotten what it feels like to have those thoughts right beneath your skin, pressing and crawling and burning. Pressing behind my teeth. Crawling through my hands. Burning within my stomach. Invading every moment. Every moment was a struggle. EVERY. MOMENT.

I had seriously contradictory feelings about the whole thing. Part of me wanted to talk about the failure all the time, and part of me really wanted never to speak of it again. I wanted to tell everyone, scream it out on the street, but at the same time I didn't want to bring it up to anyone at all ever.

I felt like the biggest attention-whoring drama queen in existence {and after this post, you probably will too XD}.

Sam came over that night. He and Sarah and I watched the Olympics for like 3 hours. I hadn't eaten all day, so I had some pizza. Then I had ramen. My body was starving, but it felt wrong to eat. Had it not been for people around, I know I wouldn't have. It really worries Sarah when she thinks I'm not eating enough.

Apart from a hilarious chase scene between me and Sam-the-Cellphone-Thief, I wasn't really fun the whole night. I mostly sat on the couch and thought negative things about myself XD I did a completely atrocious job of disguising my mood, and felt really awful about that. But somehow I couldn't force myself to be happier, funnier, more alive.

Dunno why, but Sam stayed around with me. {Sam, I swear I'll be more fun next time you see me. I'll figure out how, and I'll make myself not be terrible XD Promise.} He probably would have stayed longer than he did, but my parents weren't home and it was late and we both knew he needed to go.

Today has been better. A lot better, actually. I didn't expect it to get this much easier this quickly. {And the screwed up part of me says, "See, no problem. You can bounce back in a couple of days. Go for it again." Gah, shut the hell up.}

I have a lot of days to go before I'll be back where I was on July 31st. But I know I CAN do it--I have before. I know what a 20-month clean streak feels like, but more importantly, I know what it feels like to lose it, and I have no plans to let that happen ever again.

I KNOW what I can do. I'm STRONGER this time. I'm MORE determined. I'm MORE sure of what I want.

Huh. "Go back a little to leap farther." Maybe that quote isn't so far off after all.

{Not that I recommend leaping back XD}

Here we go again, guys. Here's to getting through the rest of Day 2.

~Stephanie