Double Life

I feel like I'm leading a double life.

On one hand, I am happier than I've ever been in my entire life. I am happier than I ever thought possible--much happier than I deserve.

It's the people:  my suitemates are perfect living companions:  we get along flawlessly, balancing late-night life discussions and sessions of politely ignoring each other while we do homework. We laugh loudly and often and share inappropriate details about our lives. It is truly awesome.

Cassidy is still my best friend. We understand each other, support each other, and share hilarious text messages that make me burst out laughing in moments of silence. Our relationship feels the same, except older. I think it's what growing up is supposed to be for best friends.

And Gem. Things with Gem are amazingly great. He gives direction to my aimless everyday inefficiencies and overwhelming mundane endeavors. I take the best naps with him. He has the best story ideas. He's the best kind of stubborn. He sent me a Batman ice cube tray in the mail the other day, for no reason. He takes me on dates because he likes to. He sends me spontaneous flirting texts in class and I cannot help smiling.

These people light up my life. Sometimes it almost makes me cry. God is so great. He has blessed me more than I thought possible.

I am so happy.

But on the other hand, I have never been this miserable for this long in my entire life.

This entire semester has been depression and struggle and frustration and helplessness. I have not had a single day where I woke up with a smile and thought I can do this. Every morning has been like a punch in the stomach, oppressive and nauseating.

It's a rule that semesters start off rough, you know? It's hard to shake the summer mindset. It's hard to say goodbye to friends and family back home. It's hard to watch the tan leach from your skin. I expected these routine difficulties. But I did not expect them to persist relentlessly into my third month of junior year.

I am DROWNING in homework, internship, tutoring, and copy-editor duties. Drowning isn't even the right word. Suffocating? Flattening? My Model United Nations class consists of "Here's a textbook. Read it, understand it, and be prepared for tests on it. Also, please become intimately familiar with all current events and events pertaining to the UN from the last fifty years."

There's a conference coming up in November, where I will represent Belgium on a UN committee COMPLETELY ALONE. I have no idea how to prepare for that.

In another poli-sci class, I am the only non-political science or criminal justice major. I have a midterm in that class tomorrow. I haven't had time to study for it.

In all my three English classes, which I love, I think I've completed about ten readings. There has been a lot of skimming and SparkNoting and bullshitting. I hate doing that. I love being an English major. If I didn't have all the tedious, impossible work for my political science minor, I might love my life.

But as things are, I honest-to-God do not know how I'm going to keep going. Am I going to start failing classes? Am I going to start getting sick all the time? Am I going to lose myself in this relentless struggle to juggle my life?

I feel so trapped. There aren't classes or jobs that I can drop. I have to keep doing everything, but it's only going to get worse, and I'm barely keeping my head above water as is.

I love school because I love learning. But at the same time, I do not want to do this anymore. I am so over being constantly graded. I am so over living a life that is functionally disconnected from Gem. I am so over the entanglements of busy work and...just academics.

I know that I don't want to quit school, but at the same time, these overwhelming feelings of depression and helplessness are not tapering off as the semester progresses the way they normally do.

I'm just frustrated. I know exactly what I want with my life, I just can't reach it yet, and I can't tell if I'm on the surest, most efficient path toward that goal. Am I somehow causing myself unnecessary pain and stress? Or is this just the way it has to be for now?

No answers, only questions.

The reality of impending adultness continues.

~Stephanie

Giaraffe Emesis

I hope that this will be a brief post. I've been really productive this evening, so I don't want to break my flow, but I was also suddenly seized with the need to say something here.

I've been blowing through pages in my "New United Nations" textbook like nobody's business. Seriously, I think I read like twelve pages in an hour and a half, and that is flat-out UNHEARD OF. I'm even in the basement of the library, a place I usually reserve for literary homework. I have a strict No PolySci Homework policy when it comes to the library:  I don't want to taint these sacred halls with the wrong kind of stress.

But this evening, polysci did not stress me out, so I made an exception.

Since coming to college, I have been listening almost exclusively to Mutemath's self-titled album. When I start getting ready for bed, I turn on Mutemath and hit my iHome's Sleep button until it promises to turn off in 30 minutes. Sometimes I'm asleep by the time the music stops; sometimes Gem keeps me up longer.

At any given time, I have 70+ pages of reading to do. I must read about the evolution of the United Nations; I must read about ethical philosophers and how their views apply to the government; I must read about different literary approaches (Allison:  "So you're literally reading about reading?" Me: "...well, when you say it like THAT..."); I must read "Emma," which is wonderful; and I must read about how to write.

And sometimes I get to read about a girl who plays with fire, but not often enough to maintain continuity or remember my place.

When I'm not reading, sometimes I watch Lost. I am on Season 1, Episode 12, so no spoilers. I really like Sayid. I really hate Sawyer, but you're supposed to.

My school internship is going really, really well. I'm writing letters of inquiry, which means I get to write about Campbell University's projects in ways that appeal to lots of different money-giving foundations. I get to take one project and spin it ten or twelve different ways, exercising my creativity and persuasive skills. It is incredibly fun to me.

My alarm didn't go off yesterday morning. I woke up one minute before my class started. I was still only eleven minutes late.

My suitemates are amazing. We stay up and talk and laugh til we cry. I always have people to do things with, but they also understand my need to be left alone. We have "family dinner" every Monday night, which, so far, has consisted of Harley making spaghetti and us pulling together every table-like surface in the apartment to have room to seat everyone.

This Saturday, Gem and his sister, Abigail, are visiting. Harley's making tacos. We will not have enough table surface, but we've decided not to address that until the problem is staring us in the face. It'll be fine.

I'll be glad to see Gem, although not having any alone time with him will be a little disappointing.

How are you all doing? :)

Road Trip:  the Arch in St. Louis :)

Whatever Campbell's shortcomings, scenery isn't one of them.

Road Trip:  Chicago

 Gem: "Oops, these are too small for me...maybe you want them?"

True love.

Road Trip: the Bean

~Stephanie

The Fate of Peripeteia

I don't know what to do with this blog.

I love it, and it's very "Me." However, there is definitely some content on here that I don't feel comfortable representing me to potential employers. With applying for internships this summer {and almost definitely writing articles for Classical Conversations}, I'm wondering if I need to...do something with Peripeteia.

No matter what, I won't stop blogging, and I won't delete Peripeteia. Mostly likely, I'll make Peripeteia "Private" {and gladly give you all permission to view it} and start a new, public blog. I'd post on both, there would just be some "extra" stuff on Peripeteia that isn't as...kosher.

What do you all think? I'm completely new to this, and I really need to take care of this BEFORE it becomes an issue...which it could very soon.

~Stephanie

Terminated

You might know that I tutor a first-grader named Collin every day at 4 o'clock. Sometimes I hate the kid, but a lot of the time he's pretty cool, and I love, love, LOVE watching him improve in reading. He's such a real little person. It's great.

I've been gone a lot recently, what with Italy and the senior beach trip, and I totally missed the little guy. The week between Italy and the beach was a ton of fun with him, because he'd missed me too. He was extra good and fun and gave me pictures of my favorite animal {white tiger}. I was happy when I drove to his house on Monday at 3:55.

His mom answered the door, I complimented her new haircut, and she said,

"Thanks! Collin actually doesn't have homework."

"Oh," I said, surprised. "Well, cool." I'll just go home and continue to unpack my bloated suitcase.

"He made his reading goal," Mrs. Deanna continued. "and they don't have homework for the rest of the year."

"Oh." My mind stopped and focused on the moment. "Wait. Oh. Oh, he doesn't have any homework...ever...?"

Mrs. Deanna nodded, smiling. "Yep, he's good. He still has to read three times a week to keep up the skill level, but no more homework."

"Well, that's awesome!" I said, smiling. "How cool. You must be glad."

She nodded. "The peace around the house has been great."

"Awesome," I repeated. "So, you want me to come three times a week?"

"Nope," Mrs. Deanna shook her head. "No, we've got it. He's doing great with us now."

"Oh. That's great!" I shifted my weight. "I'll just see you guys on Sundays then."

"Sounds good. Thanks so much, Stephanie!"

"No problem..."

She called the dog back inside and shut the door as I got into the Kia, turned my music back on, and maneuvered down their driveway.

Today hasn't been that great for me emotionally. I haven't been crying or anything, and nothing awful has happened, but I've been scared out of my mind and finding it difficult to breathe.

I'm about to leave my entire life behind me, whether physically if I get into Wake Forest, or symbolically if I end up getting a job and ceasing to be a child.

I cleaned my room today and almost flipped out. Just seeing normal things puts me on the edge of an emotional abyss of...void. I'm trying to hold on to things that are constant, like my family and...I mean, and God...and...well, I've been having trouble coming up with things that are solid.

It never occurred to me that I'd be losing my tutoring before school was out. I knew the end was near, but I didn't think I'd run right into it. I didn't realize I was about to hit a cement wall of k-thanks-bye.

Mrs. Deanna was very nice about it, and it wasn't as if I were getting FIRED or something. Losing that job is difficult and sad because I owe my parents $100 a month for being a dumbass and getting in a car wreck, and tutoring was my only source of income.

But the money isn't what hit me the hardest. It was driving down their driveway for the last time. It was saying "bye" to their poodle for the last time. It was knowing I'd never have to be home by 3:55pm again. It was knowing I'd never hear Collin say, "Ooh, that was ninja E" or "NO PEEKING" or "Is that gonna be your new favorite book?" again.

I'm gonna miss Collin the Demon Seed. I'm gonna miss pretty much everything about it, I realize now. The challenge of making him get things correctly, the joy of watching him understand, the fun of having lightsaber duels when we finished early, even the tantrums and days when it takes him an hour and a half to spell six words.

I'm gonna miss him, but the worst part was the abruptness. I had no idea his homework didn't continue up til the last day of school. Yesterday I had a steady income and a kid's education in my hands. Today all I have is an empty wallet and a hole in my chest.

One of the last few things I could count on has been yanked out from under me. I don't like this whole "growing up" thing.

~Stephanie

One of Those Weekends

This post is very long, guys, but reading over it, I think it's borderline hilarious. If you didn't have to actually live it, that is.

Do you ever have one of THOSE days? The day that just relentlessly sucks? Well, this has been one of those WEEKENDS.

It really started earlier this week when I started making plans for Friday night. The plan's base was embarrassingly weak to begin with and, until this moment, a secret:

I have a really awesome outfit. It's a draping, black, open back top with a bright blue glitter tiger on it. And it came from Spain. A couple of weeks ago, I found blue skinny jeans that are the EXACT same color as the glitter tiger. Then I found blue nail polish, which when paired with silver crackle, looks freaking amazing with the tiger outfit.

Unfortunately, it is already October, and there will not be many more opportunities to wear this thing of beauty. Ergo, make night plans and make them soon.

Yeahh, the reason behind the plan should have been a red flag at the beginning.

But, at the beginning of the week, this weekend looked promising. My parents would both be out of town {WOOT!}, Cassidy would take me to my Friday night dance class, and from there we would meet up with everyone at about 9 o'clock and see a movie.

But when I started checking movies and times, I quickly noticed something: there's nothing good playing. The only thing that looked remotely worth seeing was The Debt, but it was rated R, and while *I* can get in to those movies {psh, nbd...}, some of the people going cannot, and it would suck to have our party randomly split up.

So, movie is out. Dang. Plan B:

Chill at the mall. Rather unexciting, but hey, with a bunch of people it could be interesting.

Then on Thursday I get this text from Cassidy:

"Hey, I can't do Friday night. Sorry!"

...

So, okay. That screws things up in several different ways:

#1: I now have no ride to dance.

#2: Three of my friends depending on Cassidy now have no way to come hang out.

#3: I really like Cassidy.

#4: I have no way HOME from dance even if I could get there.

I texted Cass back and asked if she could at least get me TO dance. She said she could. YAY! So now I'm just stranded at dance...

But Kirsten! If I ask Kirsten to spend the night with me, then she can get me from dance, which is like five minutes from the mall, at 8:45 and we can go to the mall with everyone, and then she can just bring me home 'cause she's spending the night. Brilliant! I ask her.

SHE CAN! YAY!

So Cassidy will drive me to dance, Kirsten will pick me up, we'll go hang out with everyone at the mall, and then we'll come home and sleep. Perfect.

Then I find out my mom is coming home Friday night after all, just late. So dang. That means I have to actually ask her if Kirsten can spend the night. So I do. She says yes, CONDITIONALLY:

I have to do all of my weekly cleaning chores on Friday before Kirsten comes instead of on Saturday, when I normally clean. *sigh* Fine.

Except that since we went to the fair on Thursday, Friday is already going to be absolute HELL, because I have two days of school to do in one. And now I also have a full day of cleaning too. Urgh. But, I can do it. I can make this happen. For the sake of fun, freedom and blue glitter tiger shirts.

So, Friday. I'm going CRAZY trying to get things done. I've made a list with estimated times, and it looks like I can get everything done, but I will be literally down to the SECOND.

I'm just starting to get things going when Emma texts me:

"Hey! Do you wanna go to the fair Saturday?"

HECK YES! I'd love to go again! And with FRIENDS this time!

Me: "Sure! I was actually thinking about going again with friends! But I wouldn't wanna crash your family thing with a bunch of people."

Emma: "Oh no, it's fine! My sister's bringing friends anyway."

:D Sweet! I tell her I'll go and I start texting people. Haley, Brianna, Kirsten, David, Live, Daniel, Sam, Karlye, Susanna. Hope they can come! Now back to the issue at hand: school.

I've been behind in math for two weeks, and for GOD KNOWS WHY, I told my teacher I'd be all caught up by next week. I now have 6 lessons to do in 3 days. Literally impossible for me. Like, it seriously CANNOT be done. I suck at math.

Then I get a text from Sam:

"You do realize the mall closes at 9, right?"

-_______- No. No, I did not. So no mall tonight.

Plan C: Hang out in the Target-Starbucks-Books-A-Million shopping center. Fun stuff. But WHATEVER. With people, anything can be fun.

Although...wait...who's RSVP'd to the Friday night deal?

Me, obviously...

Kirsten, 'cause she's getting me from dance and spending the night.

Emma...Sam...

Um. That's...it. Well. Me, Kirsten, Emma and Sam. That will be...really interesting.

Then, at 12 o'clock, my dad comes and says, "Why aren't you getting ready?"

Me: "...what?"

Daddy: "We need to leave for Pat's funeral in an hour." {Pat is the wife of an old guy at our church.}

Me: "...WHAT? I'm GOING to that? WHYDIDN'TYOUTELLMETHISBEFOREIHADANHOUR?"

*jump in the shower, dress appropriately tragically, gather school books to do random bits in corners when no one is looking*

We leave at one. We get back at 3:15. Two hours and fifteen minutes gone. I am now completely behind schedule. Life is such a bitch.

I finally decide that math isn't all that important and go get started cleaning my room, which looks like an absolute BOMB WENT OFF. I also decide to check my phone. And I have two more glorious texts:

Jesi: "Hey! I'll be there tonight!"

Kirsten: "Hey, my mom said I have to pick between spending the night with you and the fair, so since I would get to hang out more tomorrow, I can't do tonight. Sorry!"

Me to Jesi: "Okay...great!"

Me to Kirsten: "That makes sense! See you tomorrow!"

Me to the world: "ARUGHEHGONWEOJGGHIOUBWE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Now I have another person joining the bandwagon of tonight's epic failure, but without Kirsten, I have no ride to go hang out, or get HOME! Cassidy is gonna bring me to dance, but then...I'm stranded.

Stranded.

Shiitake mushrooms, this sucks.

Banging my head on the table, I call off tonight's plans. Me, Emma, Jesi and Sam just does not sound like a bundle of fun. {Jesi = reserved and conservative, Emma = unwilling to accept wildness, Sam = unreserved wild child.}

So dash it all. No fun plans, no tiger shirt, and at this point, I'll be stranded alone in the city. GREAT.

I decide to text Cassidy and tell her never mind, don't even take me to dance.

I text her.

I get this text from my unbiological older brother:

"Sure! David and I would love to hangout tonight!"

Me: *steamfromears* Seriously? You couldn't have told me that an hour ago? Because he could have taken me places. I can bum rides off him. But I just canceled everything, so only Sam would show up. And if you know these boys, it's not really a wonderful idea to put them all together alone with me. It's just not. Things get territorial.

So, recap. I'm 2 hours and 15 minutes behind my already impossible schedule of school work and cleaning, I've had to cancel dance because otherwise I'll be stranded, I've had to cancel my fun plans because of the same, and I still don't even know if anyone can come with me to the fair tomorrow. Screw the world.

In one last effort, I ask Daniel if he and David will just come over and watch a movie with me tonight after dance. That way Cassidy CAN take me to dance, the boys can just get me on their way to my house and then we can chill.

Then I go back to cleaning my room.

Cassidy comes over, 'cause she just does.

My room is depressing and disastrous. Still haven't heard from Daniel.

5:35. We leave for dance at 6:15 if we're leaving...

5:45. Daniel texts me. He can pick me up. I can now go to dance and have a ride home. YES!

5:55. Oh. I should probably PUT THE FREAKING PIZZAS IN THE OVEN SO CASSIDY AND I CAN EAT.

6:15. Pizzas are ready. We eat.

6:30. Great. Late. But now on the way to dance.

6:55. Ten minutes late to dance, but I made it.

I spend the next two hours having a blast, despite the fact that I absolutely HATE this one chick in my class. Blurgh.

8:45: Daniel and David pick me up. I love them so much, guys. They're exactly what I needed.

We go home, and--OH. I forgot to tell you this: OUR DISHWASHER IS BROKEN. AND IT'S MY MONTH FOR THE DISHES. GOD. So I wash the day's worth of dishes while whining to my brothers. They laugh at me. Thanks guys.

Then we watch The Godfather, which is great.

I'm starting to get tired, but I don't wanna be left all alone after the kind of day I've had. I still have to get up early in the morning and clean because I didn't finish it all today and I'm going to the fair with Emma.

I tell the boys that even if I fall asleep they are obligated to stay with me until my mom gets home. They laugh at me. But they promise.

We start watching Ocean's Eleven. David bets that I will be out by 11:45.

11:43. I'm asleep :3

12:20. I wake up, totally disoriented. The boys have done the remainder of the dishes for me. AWWWWWWWWW :) Then we watch Whose Line is it Anyway? until my mom gets home.

The evening was amazing, the day SUCKED MAJOR FREAKING ASS, Y'ALL.

And then there was today...

Honestly, I don't wanna talk about it, and this post is long enough as it is. Stay tuned though. It's a real doozy.

~Stephanie

Check the Label

I was looking at the labels to my posts the other day, analyzing the trends. Here is what I have discovered:

I am not Sick much.

I talk about God twice as much as I am sick.

There have been three Holidays since I started blogging, and three holiday posts. Right on.

Although Writing is my life, I post about Pictures exactly four times more often than about Characters.

The label "Hott Guys" appears slightly more often than the label "Thinking." Hmm.

I have posted six times more about someone else's book than about my own.

But I was relieved to see that there are more Book posts than Movie posts.

The number of posts on Friends is nearly double the number on Family.

I have managed to refrain thus far from creating a "Brothers" label.

There is only one post concerning Work, School, or Shopping. Lawl. I'm lazy.

I talk about Books twice as often as I talk about Reading. How does that work exactly?

The second largest label is "Random."

And I talk about myself more than anything.

Sometimes, I wonder...

Yep. I just wonder. I guess I should slap this post with a Thinking label. Or a Label label.

You know what, I'm gonna label this post with everything >:D

~Stephanie

The Soap Shop

I'm trying to get a job. A lot of my friends have jobs, and I've wanted one for a while, just to have the experience., but I never really did anything about it. Now, I want a job because I WANT MONEY, and I am doing something about it.

Hm. I think this says something about my priorities, but I am not sure.

So I've applied at two places now: a pizza place, and a coffee place. Honestly neither of them is promising at all, so I was definitely interested when a lady from our church offered me a job at her soap shop.

Until I processed the thought:

A soap shop. Me. Working. Me working in a soap shop.

That's like me working at a perfume store or something. I don't know anything about the product, I don't especially care about the product, and I'm too rotten at details to LEARN anything about the product.

But anyway, I went to the shop yesterday so Crystal (the owner) could show me the ropes. She actually let her assistant, Marion show me around, and it went something like this:

Marion: "Well, okay. First you have the 3-in-1 soaps, over there. You can use it for your hair, face and body, and it's just a personal preference which. There are the glycerins, and over there are the body bars, $4.50 a piece. We don't get many people asking for tea, but it's right here, and probably when winter comes... Behind here are all the herbs, people can just pick what they want and you can measure it out for them in the back in ounces. We have people come in here claiming to be witches. Whatever. And...those are some flavorings...now in this back hall are the scents and essences, they're separated and alphabetized. The essences are the real thing, they're stronger. This back here is the tiny messy kitchen... When you weigh the herbs you put them in these baggies here and--well, first you have to zero out the scale, but for now just... And you measure it out to point seven. Er, point zero zero seven. And, oh, see those white tubes over there? They don't have bottoms. You can slide them around, but don't-- See I didn't know they didn't have bottoms and one day I was helping Crystal move them and I picked one up--soap came all out. I told her I quit. So anyway. And down this row are more herbs--actually on the left are the containers and on the right are more herbs, except on the top on the left there are some herbs... Alright, we can go back to the big room now. All our candles come from Lighthouse if anyone asks... And these glass candle holders all have numbers on the bottom, and when someone buys one you just have to look in this cabinet under here and find the box with the matching number and put in it there. Alright, now here behind the counter is the wax paper we wrap soaps in. Wrapping them is easy and then by law we have to label everything we sell, so even if a customer tells you it's okay, you have to put a label on the soap. All our labels are in this folder right here, but they're not alphabetized yet. And the cash register--it really is simple but you kind of need to see it done with a real customer... Okay over in that corner and that corner are all the consignment items--and around that corner too--and we don't add those up on the cash register, we just use the calculator and add the tax and then put the money in the register... Pretty much everybody who comes in is nice, but every once in a while you have the ones who try all the patience in your bones. Well, I guess that's about it."

O.O

Does this SOUND like my kind of thing?

No.

But guess what?

I loved it. For the first few minutes, I was overwhelmed and decided I never in a million years wanted to do this. But then as it all started to sink in, I started to get kind of excited. I could learn a natural cure for everything under the sun! I could meet so many fascinating people! This little soap shop is a freakin' imagination factory! It's a completely story starter! It's absolutely PERFECT for me!

Crystal wants me to keep dropping in for a couple of weeks to get a feel for it and see customers in action, but I've already decided:

I want to work at the soap shop.

~Stephanie