Food Freak

We're planning a cooking night with some couple friends for tomorrow. Last night I went out for fondue with some girl friends. Basically the past couple of days have been orchestrated for reminding me how weird my food habits/restrictions are XD

For instance, I don't do alcohol at all. (No, it isn't for religious reasons or because I'm a prude. See here.) It's like I'm on a 23-year no-alcohol streak that I intend never to break. But you know what the base of cheese dipping sauces is at fondue restaurants? Alcohol. Of course, all the alcohol cooks off, so it's not a big deal, but it freaked me out. No way was I breaking my 23-year-long streak for some wickedly expensive Havarti.

I still ate it (delicious, though absolutely not worth the price), but only after texting Gem and getting reassurance that it wouldn't be breaking my streak.

Then, as we planned cooking night for tomorrow, it came up that I can't drink carbonation. (Story: I used to be "addicted"' to CocaCola, so in college I decided to go a whole year without soda of any kind. I did it. And when I drank my celebratory cherry Coke 365 days later, it destroyed my insides. Since then I've tried it several times, and even so much as a sip sends me packing for the bathroom.)

I'm also deathly allergic to peanuts, and slightly allergic to cucumbers, bananas, carrots, and watermelon.

In case any of you ever want to have me over for dinner. Or kill me.

~Stephanie

I Don't Drink

As Told in Pairs

:)

~Stephanie

What Started As a Fragment, Has Ended in Roommate Sap

It's been a long time since I just talked here, since I didn't wait for a coherent idea or a fun question to wrestle with or a bunch of sappiness about Gem. I don't have any complete thoughts to share with you, just a lot of...well, fragments. At least I think they are fragments. You know how I get when I write: one thought will sometimes keep unfolding before my fingers until it's a real post. Right?

~ In three days, I will move into college for the last time. I know everyone always says this, but seriously, how was it three whole years ago that I moved in as a freshman? I was so...unhappy. I wasn't excited to be going to Campbell at all. I was mad at the perceived failure of not going to Wake Forest. I was jaded by my weird romantic relationship. I was lost in my spiritual life. It was awful. You could not pay me enough money to go back to freshman year.

{Of course, my roommate, Bekah, was actually awesome. We went to bed at the same time, watched the same TV shows, liked the room at the same temperature, listened to the same music, needed the same motivation to go to the gym. She was gorgeous and funny and did not care for drama. I'm convinced it was the most successful random roommate pairing of all time. But other than her, life as a freshman mostly sucked.}

But now? Now I am Happy.

My suite mates are the college girl friends everyone promised I would find. They're the people who will go with me to Walmart at 2 o'clock in the morning because I need frozen pizza. They're the people who will just sit down in the hallway with me and hang out there because I'm too stressed and depressed to make it to the living room. They're the people who I can take stupid BuzzFeed quizzes with for hours. They're the people whose opinions matter to me, whether about my earrings or my dinner decision or my boyfriend.

I hope I will be friends with them for the rest of my life; but if I'm not, if we drift apart and fall out of contact, I will never forget them. I will look back on "college" and hear us laughing and feel us walking across campus and remember us dancing and smile at our late night talks.

Gosh, I'm going to miss them. I'm going to miss congregating in one our rooms to pick out clothes for the next day. I'm going to miss "family dinners" where Harley makes chicken or spaghetti and the rest of us throw together some sides. I'm going to miss movie nights where we talk over most of the dialogue. I'm going to miss messing with each other and memorizing all the weird quirks and habits to make living together as easy as possible.

Harley doesn't let anyone touch her blankets.
Allison wears camis under everything, even T-shirts.
Mary is always cold.
Harley loves Captain America.
Allison loves Ed Sheeran.
Mary loves Baby Groot.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is. Reminiscing, I guess. But it could also serve as a reminder to y'all and to my future self that things get better. Freshman year sucked. But I didn't run away; I stuck it out, and my life is beautiful now.

If I had left Campbell, every single thing about my life would be different. I wouldn't have my suite mates, I probably wouldn't be dating Gem, and I wouldn't have had such amazing professors and therefore an amazing education. I wouldn't have had the same internships or tutoring experience or copy editing position at the paper.

Everything is worth it. My one real regret in life, the one thing I've said I would change (not getting into Wake Forest) has ceased to be a regret. It is hard to say that given a do-over I wouldn't apply to Wake Forest. But it is a no-brainer to say that I am overjoyed to have gone to Campbell.

Senior year, I'm {getting} ready for you.

~Stephanie

 Freshman

 Sophomore

 Junior

 A few weeks ago XD

Guilt, Fifty Shades, and Valentine's Day {all unrelated, believe it or not}

Let me tell you a little something about myself (because after reading my thoughts for four years, you know nothing, of course):  When I feel bad about how long it's taking me to do something, I continue to not do it.

Examples:
- Justin texted me on February 11 asking if I was on campus because he was visiting. I was busy and didn't reply that day. I feel bad. So I still haven't replied.
- I have been working on a promotional piece for someone's website since the beginning of the year. She emailed me with some critique at the beginning of this month. I was swamped in schoolwork and didn't know what to do about it. So I temporarily ignored it. I feel bad. So I am still ignoring it.
- James wrote me a letter about ten months ago. It was amazingly great. I didn't write back right away. I felt bad. So I still haven't written back.
- I haven't blogged since Christmas Eve. I feel bad about it. So I've been not blogging.

Hi? *sheepish look*

{But I mean, in addition to all the guilty feels, I have also been swamped in homework and all the, like, not responding to other stuff, so...}

I also haven't had anything to say, besides life updates, which is kind of not what this blog was intended for, you know? It was supposed to be social commentary and life hacks and sort of pointless well-written pieces. It has mostly devolved into me alternately whining about school work and gushing about Gem.

Hey speaking of Gem. Doesn't he look like the world's most precious and endearing squirrel in this picture?

Yeah. But really, back off; he's mine.

I really wanted to post a response to all the commotion about "Fifty Shades of Grey" (Gray? Grey.), but...I dunno. It seemed pointless. People who hate it already know why they hate it. People who like it also know why people who hate it hate it. It's not really complicated. But if I were going to post about it, I would probably make these three points:

1) BDSM is not going to send you to Hell, so stop condemning people who like it rough. However, what is depicted in "Fifty Shades" isn't necessarily how "correct" BDSM is supposed to work. So. That's not good.
2) I have read a lot of "Fifty Shades," and it is an absolute disgrace to good writing. I am 100%, utterly, unreservedly certain that I can write better erotica than that. Hands down. Not even kidding. If it weren't immoral I would offer to send you proof. "Fifty Shades" completely disgusted me from an artistic standpoint. This is honestly what infuriates me the most about the whole thing. If someone ever writes an erotic novel that is good, I will review it and admit it. It can be done well--not MORALLY, but at least ARTISTICALLY. Which brings me to...
3) It's definitely porn. There is nothing classy or artistic about it, it is just straight up girl porn and not well done. See point two. Maybe if it were actually well-written it could at least be artistically valuable, but it's literary shit.

Alrighty. I am now dragging myself away from this topic. I don't think any more needs to be said from me. It would get ramble-y. {That being said, if you have questions or vehement disagreement or anything, I would be glad to listen and respond.}

Mmm. That's enough content for now. I really do have school work to do.

Here what else has been up, just btw.

Passion Conference 2015

I Turned 21

{I also went "out," of course, but there are not very good pictures from that.}

My suite mates threw me a surprise party when I got back :3 They are seriously the best.

I Celebrated My First "Real" Valentine's Day (i.e. with a boyfriend who did more than just text me "Happy V. Day" at some point during the 24-hour span)

We went to a local state park, which was gorgeous.

 

Then got cleaned up and headed to a restaurant, where we ate the best food I think I've ever had. Not even kidding. When we tried the chocolate lava cake dessert, we just lost it. Did not even try to be mature adults about it.

~Stephanie

Thankful. Or "Hashtag Blessed," If You Will

This has been an enigmatic Thanksgiving.

I got home on Monday night with two term papers to write completely. They have made me stressed, irritable, and unable to relax. {I still love being an English major. But really, fml.} As I type this, I have one complete rough draft of one paper {due Monday}. Today I will research and outline for the other {due Tuesday}, and write it tomorrow and Monday.

I really need an A on both papers. Unfortunately, I think I only have the time, energy, and resources to pull out Cs or Bs. But hey. In five days, it'll be over. For better or for worse, in five days there will be nothing I can do and I am pretty damn sure I can live with that.

For the next fifty minutes, I am giving myself a break. I will eat lunch, and I will blog. Because deep down inside, I'm actually perversely happy. This Thanksgiving has kind of sucked, but at the same time, it's been uniquely great. I want to take some time and Be Thankful since I didn't actually do it on Facebook like everyone else on the planet.

Family

Or more specifically, a Mom who's like my best friend, partner in crime, and confidante now {when did she stop judging me and start being my ally?}; a Daddy who always looks for the best in every person and every situation; and a sister who I would CHOOSE to hang out with pretty much any day of the week.

Roommates

Or more specifically, Harley {the redhead with the thumbs up}. Harley is my best friend at school. We get along flawlessly. I think we're the only two in the apartment who haven't gotten on each others' nerves. I help her with her papers; she lets me use her printer. She washes the dishes; I pick up her late-night cravings on my way back from work. There are no conversational boundaries. We laugh til we cry. And we form a Thermostat Team against Mary and Allison who like the apartment to be Hot As Actual Balls.

Internship

Yeah, it totally sucked away all my homework hours and made me have to do these papers over freaking Thanksgiving. BUT it also introduced me to the world's best boss, the world's coolest coworker, the world's greatest coffee, and a lot of unbelievable opportunities for the future. So cheers.

SRMUN

The Southern Regional Model United Nations conference. Like the internship, this conference kind of made my life Hell and contributed to having to do papers over freaking Thanksgiving. BUT AGAIN, I met amazing people, made hilariously awesome and eye-opening memories, and opened excellent future doors. So I am thankful it happened.

Cassidy {on the right}

Who apparently doesn't have any recent pictures of just herself. So I am also thankful for Allison on the left. But Cassidy is the girl I am closest to on the planet. I can't live without Sarah, and Harley is my everyday buddy, but Cassidy knows it all. She supports me, listens to me, advises me, helps me see things more clearly {including myself}. We laugh together, have those eye conversations, discuss makeup, discuss people, discuss futures. She may or may not have a Pinterest board dedicated to MY wedding one day... She's gorgeous, brilliant, loyal, hilarious, and I am so lucky to have her in my life.

No More Wisdom Teeth

Seriously. Having my wisdom teeth removed had been hanging over my head for like a decade.

The Road Trip

After three years of joking around, we took the trip of a lifetime. Those laughs, pains, sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and stories will be a highlight of my life until I die. I'm sure. From sharing a tent, to belting out songs in the car, to seeing the St. Louis Arch, to walking around Chicago at night... There are no words. Just trust me when I say this trip easily ranks in the top five Best Experiences of My Life.

Working Out

The place, the ability, the people to do it with. I love feeling strong and healthy.

This Kid

I'm sorry. I'm just really, really, inappropriately, overpoweringly happy that I'm dating him. I'm not even gonna try to be sarcastic and offhand about this. I'm in love with him and I think he's amazing.

He's the kind of guy who would like to spend an evening playing cards, but went out clubbing with me anyway.

He's the kind of guy who gave up forty-five minutes and a lot of convenience to figure out a way to watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving with me.

He's the kind of guy who buys me books and reads Paradise Lost for me even though he's not an epic poetry fan.

He's the kind of guy who can both make me blush and make me feel genuinely valued.

I've been lost in love before, and it almost destroyed me. But being lost in love with Gem feels an awful lot like being Found.

Runners Up for Most Appreciated In My Life:
1. ChapStick
2. Coffee
3. New windshield wipers
4. That hangnail finally leaving
5. Not having to have braces
6. Chocolate

And also, thank YOU for sticking with me :) I really do love you guys.

~Stephanie

Double Life

I feel like I'm leading a double life.

On one hand, I am happier than I've ever been in my entire life. I am happier than I ever thought possible--much happier than I deserve.

It's the people:  my suitemates are perfect living companions:  we get along flawlessly, balancing late-night life discussions and sessions of politely ignoring each other while we do homework. We laugh loudly and often and share inappropriate details about our lives. It is truly awesome.

Cassidy is still my best friend. We understand each other, support each other, and share hilarious text messages that make me burst out laughing in moments of silence. Our relationship feels the same, except older. I think it's what growing up is supposed to be for best friends.

And Gem. Things with Gem are amazingly great. He gives direction to my aimless everyday inefficiencies and overwhelming mundane endeavors. I take the best naps with him. He has the best story ideas. He's the best kind of stubborn. He sent me a Batman ice cube tray in the mail the other day, for no reason. He takes me on dates because he likes to. He sends me spontaneous flirting texts in class and I cannot help smiling.

These people light up my life. Sometimes it almost makes me cry. God is so great. He has blessed me more than I thought possible.

I am so happy.

But on the other hand, I have never been this miserable for this long in my entire life.

This entire semester has been depression and struggle and frustration and helplessness. I have not had a single day where I woke up with a smile and thought I can do this. Every morning has been like a punch in the stomach, oppressive and nauseating.

It's a rule that semesters start off rough, you know? It's hard to shake the summer mindset. It's hard to say goodbye to friends and family back home. It's hard to watch the tan leach from your skin. I expected these routine difficulties. But I did not expect them to persist relentlessly into my third month of junior year.

I am DROWNING in homework, internship, tutoring, and copy-editor duties. Drowning isn't even the right word. Suffocating? Flattening? My Model United Nations class consists of "Here's a textbook. Read it, understand it, and be prepared for tests on it. Also, please become intimately familiar with all current events and events pertaining to the UN from the last fifty years."

There's a conference coming up in November, where I will represent Belgium on a UN committee COMPLETELY ALONE. I have no idea how to prepare for that.

In another poli-sci class, I am the only non-political science or criminal justice major. I have a midterm in that class tomorrow. I haven't had time to study for it.

In all my three English classes, which I love, I think I've completed about ten readings. There has been a lot of skimming and SparkNoting and bullshitting. I hate doing that. I love being an English major. If I didn't have all the tedious, impossible work for my political science minor, I might love my life.

But as things are, I honest-to-God do not know how I'm going to keep going. Am I going to start failing classes? Am I going to start getting sick all the time? Am I going to lose myself in this relentless struggle to juggle my life?

I feel so trapped. There aren't classes or jobs that I can drop. I have to keep doing everything, but it's only going to get worse, and I'm barely keeping my head above water as is.

I love school because I love learning. But at the same time, I do not want to do this anymore. I am so over being constantly graded. I am so over living a life that is functionally disconnected from Gem. I am so over the entanglements of busy work and...just academics.

I know that I don't want to quit school, but at the same time, these overwhelming feelings of depression and helplessness are not tapering off as the semester progresses the way they normally do.

I'm just frustrated. I know exactly what I want with my life, I just can't reach it yet, and I can't tell if I'm on the surest, most efficient path toward that goal. Am I somehow causing myself unnecessary pain and stress? Or is this just the way it has to be for now?

No answers, only questions.

The reality of impending adultness continues.

~Stephanie

Yahweh

As I sit at my desk, waiting for my 11 o'clock interviewee to pick up her phone, it strikes me that it has been more than a month since I posted here. Or anywhere, really. I haven't posted on Reason in the Rhyme in even MORE than more than a month. That is especially embarrassing, because it's my "professional" blog. I am literally broadcasting that I am a writer who does not write.

But while I've been living my life and not writing, things have been going rather well. My not-so-little-anymore sister went to Europe and returned without trauma. My church hosted an awesome pastor named Peter Lord. Two of my unbiological brothers are now allowed to consume alcohol in public. Cassidy has slept at my house and dog sitting houses more than at her own. My parents have been great givers of freedom and trust to me. And Gem has been, well, the only person I can imagine wanting to spend my life with. What's new.

Oh, and I cleaned my room. Once.

All in all, my takeaway for this half of the summer has been that God is real. I'm not sure exactly why. I haven't seen anyone instantaneously cured of cancer before my eyes. {But I did see a woman with unexplainable, persistent back pain feel better a day after my church laid hands on her and prayed.} I haven't had amazing quiet times. {But I have been HAVING quiet times, as short and shallow as they sometimes are.} I haven't had incredible supernatural powers. {Although I think I have finally forgiven the biggest offense ever committed to me, which is nothing short of a miracle.} God didn't suddenly unveil his master plans to me. {But he did prove to me that his love and promises are true.}

It's interesting:  I didn't plan any of those bracketed statements. I was actually just trying to explain to you why it didn't make sense for me to feel so strongly that GOD IS REAL. But as I sit here and try to tell you that this hasn't been a God summer, I am convicted even more strongly that it WAS. It so was.

I see God working in the lives of everyone around me, and it's inspiring. Cassidy is journaling and studying the Bible and examining her future plans, and I really feel a huge difference in the strength of her character. She's becoming more of who she is in God, and it inspires me.

Sarah says things like, "I feel pretty good about it. I've been praying a lot," and my eyes open to the fact that she is not just my little sister, but a very effective and committed warrior of Christ.

Gem...God is so real to Gem that sometimes it's like I can feel God through Gem. I don't know how else to say it. Gem prays to God like he expects an answer. He turns to God like he expects to be supported. He listens to God like he trusts him. He pursues God like he finds him enthralling.

God is so real to me right now. I want to know him. I want to follow him. I want to be on his side.

I hope this post doesn't seem like directionless fluff. I didn't know what I wanted to say when I sat down, but I think this is it. I think this is what I wanted to say.

God is real, and I hope this post has piqued the interest of your heart, because God really wants to know you.

~Stephanie

P.S. It just occurred to me that I chose "True" as my word of the year. Authentic. Real. Huh :)

It's Too Bad

I wish my mother would stop talking to me. She's been talking to me for two straight days. I'm about to scream. I can't read, I can't eat, I can't blog, I can't do laundry, I can't watch TV without her talk, talk, talk, talk, talking to me.

My best friend and sister, Sarah, has started dating PC's best friend. As a result, she's been hanging out with his old friends at their apartments. As a result, she has become rude to/about me. Apparently that's what these people do:  ruin healthy good, relationships.

I haven't seen Cassidy in about two weeks. We've both been working. In my case, that means lots of smiling at high-maintenance parents and dealing with paperwork. In her case, it means hanging out with her best friends and favorite animals.

Gem has been busy at the times when I'm free. I've been busy at the times he is free. I'll see him tomorrow and Sunday though, which is nice.

Maybe I'll hang out with my friend Kirsten sometime. We enjoy each other.

Maybe I'll hang out with my friendbrother David. He's also lonely as fuck and emotionally unavailable. We understand each other that way.

It's too bad PC is a lying, manipulative headcase. I could really use the friend he used to be right now.

~Stephanie

Night at the Library

Texting With Gerard While at the Library...

Me:  "Wanna do dinner at six?"
Gerard:  "Yeah that works"
Me: "There's some freshman asshole loudly running his mouth in the library while sitting next to the sign that says 'This floor is reserved for silent study.'"
Gerard: ":/ Want me to come kick his ass? Or change the sign to 'This floor is reserved for Stephanie Bailey'?"
Me: "XD His girlfriend just left and she was apparently the one he was talking to. But yes, the second option, with an added note that says 'and other guests she deems worthy of using this floor.'"
Gerard: "Go into the sign-making business and do it yourself."
Me: "I'll make expensive-but-bullshit signs and when people are like, 'Wait, couldn't I do this for myself?' I'll be like 'Shhhh...'"
Gerard:  "That's the thing, they COULD do it themselves, but they're too lazy."
Me: "That describes pretty much every service we Americans subscribe to."
Gerard: "Be sure to add 'Made in America' to all your signs."
Me: "Of course. So, the library closes at 5:30, but what does the staff do about it? Do they come around all the floors and make everyone leave?"
Gerard: "I don't know. You can stay and find out. It could be like Night at the Museum. Except in a library."
Me: "WHAT IF THE BOOKS CAME ALIVE?!"
Gerard: "What if they were man-eaters?"
Me: "I can't imagine that ALL the books would be man-eaters any more than all humans are murderers. Or even meat-eaters. The books would probably have little factions of Good and Evil."
Gerard: "Like Transformers."
Me: "Nerd."

~Stephanie

Happiness :)

Today has just been an immensely happy day. I've been working on my 14-16 page Milton paper all day, which is actually going well, and I am freaking in love with "Paradise Lost" anyway, so it's been absolutely glorious. I keep thinking "I just want to do this with my life!" and then I remember that I'm an English major, so for at least two more years, I can!

But also, I found out that one of my best friends is considering dating someone awesome. I don't really get excited about relationships, as you know, but I actually made a squeaking sound {in public, mind you} when my friend texted me. Ermagersh.

One of my unbiological brothers also told me that he thinks he wants to marry his girlfriend. {For those of you who know me in real life, it is NOT the unbiological brother who would make us all cry if he decided to marry his current girlfriend.} Again, I don't normally get excited about relationships, but this knowledge filled me with such happiness that it prompted me to write this post.

Also, Gem is pretty cool. Relationship gush is not my favorite thing, especially if I'm the one gushing, so I'm gonna stop there. But he makes me laugh every day, in this really different way. It's the kind of laughter that first fills you up with joy on the inside, and then comes out in laughter.

I hope you've had a happy day!

~Stephanie

Soundtrack

You know I get stuck on small playlists. Here's what's been on repeat lately:
~~~~~~~~~~
1. "Odd One" - Sick Puppies {Thanks to James}

2. "Yesterday" - The Beatles {Thanks to Daddy}

3. "Wicked Game" - Stone Sour {Thanks to Spotify}

4. "Can't Remember to Forget You" - Shakira and Rihanna{I know, I know} {Thanks to society}

5. "Sit Down by the Fire" - The Veils {Thanks to Gem}
~~~~~~~~~~
I especially recommend "Odd One" and "Wicked Game" :) James showed me the former along with the comment "This reminds me exactly of you. Please don't be offended."

I listened. And I was flattered.

~Stephanie

Three Tap Touch

We all {though Urban Dictionary says mostly males} do it , and I really thought we all knew the name for it, but apparently it's less well-known than I thought. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to educate the masses. {By posting on a small blog that isn't even listed on my profile anymore. That's right.}

The three tap touch:  "The ritual performed...before leaving the house/apartment/room/living space...to check for the presence of phone, keys, and wallet. Usually done by touching the front right, front left, and then back right pocket in succession to ensure said items are still in your damn pants." - Urban Dictionary.

My lovely friend James could use a good course in TTT-ing. In the six months I've been good friends with him, he has lost his wallet at his apartment, my home, and a grocery store {it was left in the cart}. He also routinely leaves it behind places, like at a cash register, locked in his Jeep, or his uncle's house in Baltimore.

That last instance is actually in the process of occurring.

Cassidy, my sister Sarah, and James drove six hours to see the Orioles {right?} play in Baltimore on Wednesday. They've been staying at his uncle and aunt's place on kind of a mini vacation. They were supposed to leave early this morning, so I texted Sarah at about 10am.

"On the road again?"

Sarah:  "Yes and no. James forgot his wallet. We're going to have to go back."

Considering they were supposed to leave "early," meaning probably 8 or 9, the neglected wallet is probably costing them two to four hours on the road XD

Me:  "I can't believe you didn't enforce the three tap touch. It's like you've never met James :P"

Sarah:  "The what?"

And thus. This post.

I hope you leave your computer enlightened and reminded always to tap yourself thrice before leaving your home, a grocery store, a cash register, your car, or your uncle's house in Baltimore.

~Stephanie

{Just Another Directionless Excerpt}

{I wrote something controversial HERE. *wiggles eyebrows* What's your opinion on "slut-shaming?"}

"What are we talking about?" Jake asked, putting his plate down next to Megan. Megan glanced up and made a shrugging gesture with her hand. Her shoulder stayed still as she opened her mouth to reply:

"Cale--"

Ashley interrupted her. "Caleb likes Meg."

"Ah," Jake said. "Tales of unrequited love at the lunch table. Classic." His voice was smooth with lofty sarcasm.

Megan's eyebrows pinched with concern. "What makes you think it's unrequited?"

Ashley laughed, her own eyebrows arching into her bangs. It was Jake who answered:

"When feelings for you are involved, when is it NOT unrequited?" Megan glared at him. "No, seriously," he prompted. "I'm resubmitting that question as non-rhetorical. When have you ever liked someone?"

"I mean, I did have a boyfriend once," Megan said. "What, you don't think I liked him?" She took a large bite of her hamburger.

Ashley made a high-pitched, non-committal noise. "I mean, you guys weren't really serious."

Pain spiked through Megan's eyes, which dropped to her stomach as if she expected to see a fist planted there. The mush of hamburger and bun in her mouth created a motionless bulge in her right cheek. "We were serious," she said simply. She reached for her water glass.

"Oh." Ashley blinked and gave Jake a look of shallow panic. "Really?"

Jake blinked and gave her the world's most hands-off facial expression imaginable. "It's not like she spills her guts to me in her spare time."

"Well, me neither!" Ashley's voice thrust desperation into their brief aside. "When someone never mentions their boyfriend, you get the feeling it's not a big deal... I mean, right?"

Megan squeezed energy into her eyes until her expression was passable as a smile. "It's fine, Ash. I guess I didn't talk much about him."

"Yeah, I didn't even know you had a boyfriend until weeks after--"

"But so this Caleb guy," Jake interrupted. His fork stabbed straight through his Thai food and made a dignified noise against the plate. "You don't like him?"

Megan rolled her eyes. "Let's not paint with such a broad brush, shall we?" Jake's eyebrows elevated. "Caleb is great. I'm just not interested."

"What's wrong with him?" Ashley asked, in the voice of someone arguing a lost cause. "He's gorgeous. He treats you right. He's smart. He's going places in life."

Megan shrugged. "He doesn't tip at restaurants." She took another hamburger bite. Jake and Ashley stared at her, mouths in varying degrees of openness.

Ashley look personally affronted. "You're not dating a guy because he doesn't tip?"

"Which you discovered, I presume, at an event where he paid for your meal?" Jake pointed out.

"Yep." She looked them both calmly in the eye, in turn. They exchanged glances.

"Is that the only reason?" Ashley asked. "Because you can just ask him to tip. Or you could tip."

"I think it's nice when girls offer to tip," Jake said philosophically. "Guys are expected to pay for meals, and I support that, but I think it shows consideration when the girl takes responsibility for part of the experience." He gave Megan a single nod. "Hey, maybe he was testing you."

"He cheats on tests," Megan offered lightly. Her lips turned up in the corners, but she didn't bother manipulating the look in her eyes this time.

"We've all done that," Ashley said, rolling her eyes.

Jake frowned. "Oooh." He shook his head and twirled his fork around his lo mien. "That is a deal-breaker."

Ashley turned on him. "What do you mean? You've never cheated on a test?"

"Not in college," Jake said. He jutted his chin out for emphasis. "This is real life stuff. Cheating isn't cool." A single chuckle escaped his throat. "What's his major? It's not pre-law, is it? 'Cause that would be ironic."

"I don't know," Megan said. She put her hamburger down and took one of Ashley's French fries. Ashley slid her plate closer to her friend.

"Well," Ashley began, clearly gearing up for an ultimatum.  "All I'm saying is that if you let every great guy go like this, you're literally asking to be forever alone."

"Not literally," Megan said, giving her friend a teasing look.

"Do you correct this Caleb guy's grammar too?" Jake said. "Because if you don't, I would start right away. It's a great way to make people not want to be with you."

"Very funny," Megan grinned.

~Stephanie

Baby Name Perfection

Some of you may know that I used to be obsessed with baby names.

Some of you may know that secretly, I still am.

Naming characters is often the hardest part of a story for me, and yet I CANNOT ever be satisfied with a stand-in name so that I can keep writing. {This problem has derailed more than a few stories.} The past couple of years, I haven't been writing nearly as many stories though, and when I do, I often leave the characters intentionally unnamed. Adds mystery. Saves time.

As far as real-life goes, I've kept a running list of potential baby names since I was about seven years old. However, for some unknown reason, I've stopped doing that lately. Until a few days ago, I had zero realistic girl name possibilities, and only a handful of old standby boys' names {Joshua, Caleb, Daniel, Matthew}.

But then my brain randomly clicked into High Gear Analytical English Major and I settled on two perfect girls' names. Not only do I love the names, but they double-handedly satisfy fifteen separate salutes to friends, family, and fiction. And they're not even ridiculous. {The names, I mean. The explanations are, naturally.}

And here they are.

Shut up. What do YOU do in your spare time?

~Stephanie

This Weekend

Friday

The bouncers always draw random stuff on my hands. I'm gonna miss that when I turn twenty-one.

Friday night, I went out for the first time in a while. I expected it to be awful, because I was going with my friend Gerard, who is occasionally so insecure and thirsty that he can barely have a decent conversation with me {even though he has a girlfriend}.

However, we had an amazing time. I always forget that when dancing is involved, nothing is that bad.

I got in free, and got Gerard in at all XD Apparently he didn't fit the dress code, so I had to walk back to him and attempt a "He's with me ;)" at the security guy. To my great amusement, it actually worked. *crosses that off bucket list*

So Gerard finally got to see me dance {*rolls eyes*}, which had been on his bucket list ever since I had my legendary moment at a party last semester, and I had a lot of fun with this punk/skater guy. I liked him right away for his style, and then I noticed that he could legitimately dance. Bonus points. Our eyes met across the room and there was a mutual, mischievous agreement. Soon we were the best dance partners in the place {if I do say so myself}.

I become the funnest and most confident version of myself when I'm dancing. It's like slipping into another skin. It's like becoming Ember.

Also, THIS song. I love so much XD

On the way home, Gerard and I were practically euphoric. The music and dancing had peeled back our hard exteriors and we rejoiced in each other's company. We looked at the stars and got smoothies and drove through nice neighborhoods and talked.

It was an amazing night.
~~~~~~~~~~
Saturday

Seeing as I didn't get to bed til about 4am, I slept until 12:40.

I took my antibiotic pill with zero trouble. Holla! Good start to the day.

I was not very productive school-wise, but I didn't even care.

I had a delicious salad for dinner, and got ready to go to "The Magician's Nephew" play here at school. One of my friends from Milton class, Jacob, was Uncle Andrew. He did a wonderful job :) I stuck around to talk to him after the play, and he actually asked me out. I'm pretty sure I'm not interested in him that way, but my friend James has inspired me to say yes to first dates.

"You never know," he says. "I think it's the rudest thing for people to say no to first dates. There's no real commitment; saying no is just refusing to get to know someone."

So, I'm going to have coffee with Jacob sometime next week :)

After that, I decided to go for a walk. The night was beautiful, with air was sharp and clear as diamonds. I decided I would walk on all the paths on campus that I've never been on.

I took a notebook and spent one of the happiest hours of my life just wandering around, shocked by all the beauty I'd been missing all around me. There were ghostly teal Lothlorien pine trees, and funny little mops of green grass, and faint burgundy clouds against the charcoal sky.

I wandered down every path and into every brick stairwell and looked in every dark window. Basically I went around doing all the sorts of things that get you killed in horror movies. It was great.

Also, I successfully made a hard-boiled egg in the microwave. Yeah, you heard me. No explosion this time. Take THAT, Sarah/Cassidy/James/Mom/Daniel/Gerard/Everyone With Realistic Expectations of Life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sunday

Today, Bekah came to move her stuff out, seeing as she had a surprise baby and all. She brought Baby Natalie and her current boyfriend, Gabe. I liked both of them a lot :) Gabe is pretty much definitely a keeper. He's actually intelligent and engaging in conversation and really good with Baby Natalie.

The room feels much emptier than I was prepared for. I don't really like it. However, I can certainly use the extra bookshelf space.

I went to Walmart and saved $2 with coupons. Small victories for the college kid XD

Only five days til I leave for spring break! So ready to see the people I love :)

~Stephanie

Enigma Part 1

{10.21.13}

{Narrator is male, just so your headvoice reads it right from the beginning. I hate it when I discover six paragraphs in that I've been reading with the voice of the wrong gender.}

PART 1

I stared at her. She had been an irrelevant part of my life for so long. A vague impression, an implied character. Just the somewhat-phantom love interest of a close buddy. I had known she was attractive—her toned legs and striking eyes had registered at first glance well over a year ago—but I hadn’t bothered to consider whether there might be more to her. Now, talking to her, she gave off a vibe that murmured infinity. I felt there was more to her than anyone else alive.

She smiled, and I thought my eyes were going to lean out of their sockets. Her expression, warm and calm and sweetly sarcastic, pierced the air between us and made me want to move closer to her. But I stayed put.

It occurred to me that the silence was making a beeline for “uncomfortable.” I knew I ought to say something, but then she happily rearranged herself on the couch, and my train of thought became corrupted with the impressions of her movement. Her build was slender, but so smoothly determined-looking that her fluid grace still surprised me. All she did was fold her legs underneath her, but the controlled ease with which she tossed her limbs made my body hum.

“So,” I began. My throat decided to clear itself in the middle of the word. Her eyes automatically steadied me with a reassuring look of sincerity. “What did you say you’re studying? English?”

“Mhmm. You can really do a lot with English these days. Everyone is looking for people who can write well and speak well; people who can organize their thoughts logically and see the deeper meaning in things.” Her eyes lit up in a genuine mix of happiness and perpetual sarcasm. “Basically I’m majoring in over-analyzing. I’m going to kick ass.”

I chuckled. “I get the feeling you’re one of those people who can kick ass in just about every subject. You’re one of those lucky types who gets A’s in both literature and biology, aren’t you?”

“Oh, no,” she said, the confidence dropping out of her face with comical immediacy. “Well, I do get A’s, I guess, but I’m really terrible at science and math.” The irony was back in her features. “I’m taking logic as my second math. It’s basically math with words, but I absolutely love it.”

“You’ve had logic before?”

“Mhmm. Had it in high school. And middle school, actually. I guess it’s part of why I wanted to go to law school for so long.”

How interesting. “College level will be interesting. You’ll have to memorize all the fallacies, like Post Hoc—” 

“Ergo Propter Hoc.” She smiled, delighted by our shared knowledge. She laughed. “Yeah, I already memorized all those.”

Oh. I almost started to feel embarrassed, but she clearly hadn’t picked up any reason for me to be, so I stopped myself. “My dad teaches logic,” I said in the way of explanation. “He tells his students he’ll teach them to win arguments with their parents, but I can tell you that that is not the case if one of your parents is a logic teacher.”

“Parents think they have the right to disregard logic anyway,” she said, implying some dark disagreement that I didn’t dare explore.

“A lot of what they do makes sense in the long run,” I offered. It sounded a little too wholesome, but I swear I believe it. “My parents and I have a better relationship now than ever, since I’ve moved out.”

“I’d love to move out.” Her eyes lit up, then crashed wryly. “But I’m too lazy. I’m not ready for a serious enough job.” Her chest twitched in a silent, scornful laugh. “Of course, my dream job is to be a writer, so…” She twisted her mouth into a mocking sort of smile. “…it’s not like I’ll ever be able to do I want and support myself anyway.”

“You very well might,” I insisted, raising my eyebrows. “I’m sure that’s all Stephen King or James Patterson do.”

“Yeah, but they’re already famous,” she pointed out, raising her eyebrows right back. “I think you have to already be rich to be a rich writer.”

She was not wrong.

~ Stephanie

Just Another Tuesday Night

OH MY GOD, I ALMOST GOT KISSED.

*ahem* You see, w'ha'happen wuz...

Mostly I'm just retarded. I was in a really good mood while texting a guy last week, and I agreed to have dinner with him at his apartment. I think I was maybe annoyed at someone and made the plan on purpose. {I swear, I have actually got to stop doing that.}

Honestly, though, I don't know why I said yes. I can't come up with a real explanation at all.

I'd been worried about the "dinner date" since this weekend. What if we were all alone? What if he came on to me? What if he was an actual creep? What if I was in danger? What if the food was disgusting? What if I got lost trying to find the place? What if it was awkward and I couldn't figure out how to leave?

Etc.

I'd been stressing/whining to Gerard about it all day. He told me that it was probably going to be fun, but that if I felt uncomfortable or something went wrong, I just had to call him.

I was grudgingly moved by that gesture of reassurance.

I did have trouble finding the place {big surprise there}, and dinner was kinda awkward. We made fettuccine alfredo and cheese biscuits. He talks way too quietly to be heard by human ears, and is not a huge conversationalist anyway. I talked enough and was easy-going and not awkward, if I do say so myself.

He suggested we go upstairs and watch a movie while we ate. I sighed inwardly and agreed, because there was no good way around it.

We settled on The Fox and the Hound. I was glad because it was only like an hour and a half long and I still had studying to do and a lab write-up to finish.

At about 45 minutes into it, I felt arm touching my shoulder.

Fuuuuuck.

I actually don't know the right way to handle that. When I was thirteen I would just get up and move XD Tonight I just leaned forward, which worked for a little while, until he put his arm right around my waist and I realized I would have been better off leaning back, confining his reach to my shoulders.

Oh well. You live and learn.

Finally the movie ended at 10pm, and I heard the hallelujah chorus in my head.

I got my coat, thanked him for dinner, and headed out to the car. He said he'd walk me out. That was fine. I mean, you could literally have reached out and touched the Kia from the porch, but I appreciated the gesture.

I opened the car door and turned to hug him. We hugged, and though I didn't necessarily have reason to be wary, I kept my face turned carefully to the left, just in case...

Yeah. There were lips on my cheek.

Before I'd decided what to say, I had my hand planted gently on his chest and the sound "Uhn-uh" came out of my mouth.

"What?" he said.

I repeated the sound.

"Can I get a cheek kiss?" he asked.

"No."

"You got a boyfriend?"

"...no, but close enough that it'd be weird."

"Alright," he said. "Well, we should still do this again sometime."

"Okay," I said. "It was fun."

And after that scene, I honestly believed the statement. Now that he'd come onto me and I'd rejected him, what else was there to fear?

Sometimes, the worst that can happen is also the best.

It wasn't until I was almost back at the dorm that my statement came flashing back into my mind:  "close enough that it'd be weird."

And I couldn't for the life of me decide what I had meant.

~Stephanie

In Which I Reward Your Curiosity that Was Pequed the First Time a Post Contained the Ridiculous Phrase "In Which"

In case you didn't follow that, this post is about Anthony, the guy who I thought maybe liked me and I didn't know what to do with that. Well, things have taken a turn...

For the better. He brought up the issue himself, rather nicely. Something like "So, I just want to be honest with you... I have feelings for you, which was probably really obvious. I try to be pretty straightforward about these things."

And I told him something like "I'm really glad you said something. I think you're great and I really want to keep getting to know you, but I move incredibly slowly and I'm in a weird place with the guy dated, so I don't want to lead you on."

Result:  He was totally okay with it. And a few days later, when the idea of commitment issues popped up, I accidentally let it out that I have major, major, debilitating issues with commitment. I immediately wanted to bite my tongue off, because I'm sure I sounded like a raving lunatic, but it didn't phase him.

"About that," he began easily. "I so respect your slow pace. I've made mistakes jumping into things in the past, and I'm done with that. I'm gonna be honest..." He laughed. "...if you'd met me two years ago, I would not have had the patience for this. But now...I dunno, I'm okay with it."

Oh.

So then we just talked about Lord of the Rings and struggling with accusations of arrogance for the next hour. And then he walked me back to my dorm room in the freezing cold even though he's almost worse with cold than I am.

He still hasn't gotten within a foot of me. Guys like that are a dying breed.

~Stephanie

In Which I Process My Thoughts and Beg for Advice

{I hate to post this right on top of that cool Letter From My Eighteen-Year-Old Self thing, but this issue is driving me off the cliff of insanity.}

Dear Guy Who Likes Me,

You're really attractive. We have incredibly similar taste in movies, music, and TV shows. We're both good with talking. So far, I've said yes when you've asked me to hang out. But now, the Me in me is rising up and I'm freaking out.

So yeah. This has to stop.

~The Girl From Envs-111

*sigh* I know, I know. I could make a problem out of winning the lottery.

See, he's a really cool guy, but by continuing to say yes to hanging out with him alone, I'm inching my way closer to a situation I'm not ready to be in:  TALKING to someone {AKA, that cesspool of gray area between "freedom" and "romantic commitment."}.

There are countless problems with that situation.

1. I move slower than any other female in the world. I guarantee you this guy is expecting to kiss me sometime sooner than "months and months and months from now, if ever."

2. I still have a long way to go before I can seriously "like" someone. I know it's been like six months {Huh. Almost to the day.}, but I still play the comparison game and my heart hasn't grown back to a size where I can spare enough to give some to another person.

3. I mean, I have general commitment issues. Like really, really, really bad ones.

4. He's going into the military. I know it's really early even to be throwing this out there, but I'm not going to marry someone going into the military. I respect, support, and honor our troops, but I'm way too selfish to have a soldier for a husband.

5. I don't know if he's a Christian or not, but I'm 75% sure he isn't, and that's an instant deal-breaker.

6. He drinks. Like, he's not a raging drunk--he just gets drunk on the weekends--but that's not for me. I don't necessarily have a huge problem with people doing that, but I am not going to date someone who does, especially if he's underage.

7.  Yesterday I overheard him confess to someone that he doesn't have any rhythm. I'm still not sure why that instantly triggered the thought, Okay cool. Now there's DEFINITELY no way, but it did.

8. He's not that funny. He IS funny, but he's not THAT funny. He laughs too much at himself, and isn't particularly clever or iconic.

9. He's a little annoying. It comes from the laughing too much in the middle of his own stories. Maybe the laughs aren't forced, but they feel that way, like he's breathing out so hard his lungs are going flat.

{Yes, I realize I'm a tough crowd. Cue the Forever Alone images. Actually, you know what, I got this:

}

He definitely has good points. He makes good grades, knows what he wants to do with his life, is a serious gentleman {hasn't gotten within a foot of me and opens every door possible, including car doors}, has good taste {movies, TV shows, music, video games}, and is really attractive. However, those don't outweigh the other issues, especially the fact that I'm just not ready for a relationship.

I need to tell him that I think he's great, but that I move at the pace of a lame snail, and am not ready for a serious relationship anyway.

I just don't know WHEN I have to tell him that. I don't want to tell him too soon and seem scary and arrogant and mean. But I also don't want to lead him on; that's even meaner.

Advice would be so appreciated, guys. This is literally keeping me up at night, and I'm really tired.

~Stephanie

Apathy

After nineteen years of being told "you worry too much," "you care too much," "don't be so uptight," and "just chill out," it is incredibly strange to be repeatedly accused of the opposite.

It's true. I don't care very much anymore. Not in a depressed, sleeping all day, refusing to wear real clothes kind of way, but in a spontaneous, shallow, slightly cynical way. I don't want to tell anyone that I love them anymore. I don't want to make plans just to talk. I don't want to get involved in a campus ministry. I don't want to seek out counseling.

I have plenty of fun, but I'm frighteningly apathetic about things that should be important to me, including myself. Sam and Cassidy have really wanted me to talk to a counselor for a long time, for a lot of reasons, but I haven't done it.

Sam feels like I don't care enough to do what's right for me. I don't care enough to look my problems in the eye and DO SOMETHING because I'm emotionally lazy. He feels like I've lost my strong sense of direction, and even the desire to get it back.

Cassidy thinks I don't care because I don't value myself enough. I have so little respect for and confidence in myself that I don't even want to try. I see myself as a lost cause, one too weak even to strive for what's right.

I dreamed last night that Justin told me I had to be more careful of people. Just because I don't care doesn't mean I can assume no one else does either. My apathy is hurting people.

Even Sam's friend James sees it. I barely know James, but in talking to him last night, he gently told me that I can't just "wait for my conflicts to work themselves out."

Everyone has different motives and interpretations of what my issue is, but I think everyone can agree that I majorly need to get my shit together. The only problem?

I can't make myself care.

I don't want to sound like a cliche charity case, but I think Cassidy's right. I recognize that certain things I do are wrong, but I know I won't stop doing them. I sit in church and take notes, but feel nothing. It's good stuff, it really is, but I know I won't apply it. I've gone too far to save myself. I just don't think it matters anymore. I am where I am, and it's past the point where turning around will even do any good.

I know that God specializes in just such cases, but one does have to LET him. I can't meet him halfway right now. I can't meet him a fourth of the way. I don't even think I could walk with him if he took my hand. I need to be DRAGGED out of this rut, but no one can do it for me.

I wish this post were a battle cry. I wish it would end with some lines like, "But you know what? That attitude ends today. I am worth this fight, and with God's help, I can be the best Stephanie this world has ever seen."

But it won't. It'll end with "I realize that my apathy is killing me and those around me, but the thing about apathy is that you just can't care."

~Stephanie