Ahem.

This is an automated post to say that

OH MY GOSH. I AM NOW FINISHED WITH MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE. SUMMER, HERE I COME. HELLO, LAKES AND POOLS AND TANNING. HELLO, JOB AT MY DANCE STUDIO. HELLO, TRAVELING THE COUNTRY/WORLD WITH MY BEST FRIEND. HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.

And also, goodbye library, Oasis, cool fountains, place to myself, Starbucks-within-walking-distance, Anna, Gerard, Harley, Devin, Mary, Other Harley, Joanna, and Bekah.

*sigh* This is going to be a weird adjustment. Again XD

But hey, I'M DONE WITH MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE.

~Stephanie

P.S. I don't wanna leave. I like it here. I want to stay. Saying goodbye to one of my friends was way weirdly harder than I expected. I don't like this whole "moving back home" thing. Damn.

All In

My drive back to college a couple of weeks ago was really something.

I had a lot on my mind. God was working painfully powerful miracles all around me. Someone very important to me was having God-and-self revelations that were bigger and more inspiring than anything I'd ever expected or imagined.

I felt like I was drowning in a sea of overwhelming, electrifying love. But the problem was, I still felt like I was drowning. I wasn't able to breathe in the goodness of the love. I knew it was good, and that was exciting, but I still felt terrified and smothered.

I didn't know what to do. I wanted to open myself up to the incredible joy I could feel lapping at my senses, but I wasn't sure how to absorb it into my actual self.

Everything hurt, on the inside. I could feel the joy, the hope, the awe, the inspiration. It was a combination of ecstasy that I was almost completely unfamiliar with. {Or maybe it's such an awesome feeling that every time feels like your first.}

But there was a jagged, grating rawness in my soul. I didn't know what to do.

"In My Arms" by Dead By April {I posted the lyrics about a week ago} came on my iPod. I'd never cared for the song much before, but it struck a nerve with me that night. I imagined that God was giving me that message, saying those words to me.

But instead of feeling comforted or happy, it just tore me apart, in the deepest, most complete and profound way I've ever experienced.

I cried so hard. I can think of only a handful of times that I've cried like that. The lyrics felt raw and vicious, directed at me with powerful spite, evoking thoughts and feelings and memories that I'd compartmentalized very carefully.

All I could think about was arms that weren't God's. I've never enjoyed being close to people; until a year ago, the concept of wanting to be held was completely lost on me. In the car, that longing railroaded me in a heartbreaking and wholly unexpected way.

Listening to "In My Arms," I guess I just broke myself down. I let myself feel, all the way, 100%, without rationalizing or marginalizing or compartmentalizing {I tried to find words that didn't end in "-izing," but those are the three words that I really mean.}

I started praying out loud. It was so broken. It was sentence fragments, and promises, and scattered thoughts, and feelings, and begging, and swearing, and apologizing. I told God how I felt, what I wanted, but most of all that I truly loved and trusted Him and so genuinely wanted to do what was right.

I skipped the rest of "In My Arms" {it had been on repeat for like ten minutes} and the song "All In" by tobyMac came on. I gave a choked laugh through my tears. That phrase. All in.

And suddenly for the first time, maybe ever, I felt ready to be "all in" for God. Something about me had broken down and fallen away. I don't know if it felt like a massive wall around me, or an infintesimal compartment within my soul. The absence of whatever "it" was felt both huge and tiny, but very real either way.

All the sudden, I wasn't drowning anymore. I don't know what I did, or what God did, but suddenly I could breathe in the goodness of the love. I didn't feel smothered; I felt electrified. I felt this painfully real joy radiating through my being.

I was still crying, but I was laughing. I felt so good. I felt God. I felt real. I felt ready. I felt All In.

I'm so excited, you guys. I can't explain what's going on inside of me. I don't know how. I don't have the words. Watching God work in other people is amazing and inspiring and exciting, but feeling God work in my own heart is an experience I can't even begin to describe.

It's funny; when I began this post, my intention was just to post the lyrics to "All In." I did not foresee this massive gut-spilling. But for once, I'm not self-conscious about it. I'm comfortable with this. I'm happy.

Maybe for the first time in my whole life.

Why's it always circumstantial?
Never any real potential,
Obvious and so sequential,
It always ends the same.
Holding out with all that's in me.
Is it worth all this pretending?
A story with an ugly ending it's never worth the pain.
So right here and now I am all in. 

'Cuz I'm letting go of everything I am.
And I'm holding on to everything You are.
I'm letting go of everything I once was.
I'm all in.
I'm fallin' into Your arms again.

Can we just wait out the weather?
I could stay right here forever.
Got to get myself together;
Real life is on the way.
Call it my foregone conclusion;
I'll always welcome Your intrusion.
You're the master of my choosing.
I'm all Yours.

This time I'm so for real.
It's time I sealed the deal,
Shut down my lame appeals.
I'm letting go.
I'll throw caution to the sky.
Kiss all my fears goodbye.
This time it's do or die.
I'm letting go.

I'm letting go of everything I am
And I'm holding on to everything You are
I'm letting go of everything I once was
I'm all in.

~Stephanie

Stonewall Stephanie

My dad published a blog post that I really liked the other day, called

What Kind of Friend Are You?

I think I'm either a Stonewaller or Climber. What kind of friend are YOU? Click the link and see what you think.

~Stephanie

Fragments V

- I can never spell the words maintenance, privilege, or potato. {Always maintainance, priveledge, and potatoe}

- One of the most frustrating things in the world to me is when there is a set plan, and yet when the time comes to act, someone says, "So, what do you wanna do?" Like, I did everything I could to make sure I didn't have to hear that question. Why are you trying to destroy this experience?

- I find the phrase "ape shit" irrationally hilarious.

- The other day, Anna asked me a question about Sam's and my relationship, then immediately said, "Ah, I'm sorry. I don't want to upset you." Kirsten {a friend from high school} over heard Anna and laughed. Anna looked baffled til Kirsten said, "Oh, Stephanie doesn't get emotional."

- Is it just me, or does whistling always sound masculine?

- A week or so ago, I started Hiding/Unliking all the Facebook pages that post pictures and memes all the time. I was hesitant to do so, because some of them are really funny and worth sharing and help me avoid school work. However, I don't regret my clean newsfeed in the slightest. I don't know what I'm missing, and I'm so okay with that.

- I wanted cereal today and all my bowls and spoons were dirty. Did I wash them? No. I ate cereal right out of the box.

- Does ANYONE like the dog voice for the Beggin' Strips commercial?

- Wanna know something that actually makes me really furious? When people use two periods as an ellipse. ".." is nothing. It is either you looking cross-eyed at a period, or an unnecessarily half-assed ellipse. Please. Hit the key one more time.

- Guess what else I hate? {I'm really not in a negative mood today, for the most part.} The stereotypical annoying little kid in movies that befriends the badass character and becomes meaningful and unexpectedly {yeah right} loveable in the end. Not to me. I pretty much find them annoying and unlovable all the way to the end.

~Stephanie

Dear Friend

written 4/15/13

Dear Friend,

Let me preface this by saying I know it's cheating, and maybe that's not fair, but I don't care about fair, right? I care about just.

Would I be out of line if I said...?

Initially, all I felt was shock and relief. Then uncertainty. Then some sadness. But all that ran its course in a matter of hours, and I adjusted from there without difficulty.

There was a brief angry spell, a really bitter day. Then I resumed feeling light and normal.

Today it's been achy in a friendly way. A strangely wholesome lonesomeness that radiates at the center of my being.

I just realized that it gets worse when I write stories. The temptation to cheat is at its strongest right now. One of my characters is having a moral crisis that I don't know how to handle. I don't know why the institution is so invested in Traveling with a capital T. The names are giving me trouble too.

I'm wearing it on a gold chain. I think it's plain enough that I can wear it virtually all the time. I wonder if the stone would do alright in water? For now I'm taking it off when I shower, just to be on the safe side.

I cheered someone up today. I guess there's not a lot milkshakes, rummy, and Friends can't fix. There was some attempt at reteaching me how to play poker for the forty-seventh time in my life, but it wasn't tremendously successful. I'm sure your poker face is f'cking unparalleled.

I think one of my piercings is infected. Can that happen at this point?

Someone in my newsfeed raved excitedly about being able to find Robot Chicken on Netflix now. I considered deleting him on principle.

I hope you don't take any of this the wrong way. It’s purely platonic.

Sie wissen.

Always,
VirtAnima

In My Arms

Don't look down, don't look back; I am beside you
Close your eyes, know I'm here.
I know it's hard, to let go all that defines you.
You feel like you'll never be whole again.

We will find a way to erase the past
Stay with me, stay with me!

In my arms you'll be fine. I'll never let go.
All you've lost will come again
Just stay here with me
Never look back, never again. It's over.
Everything ends here in my arms.

Don't give in, don't let your, memories break you.
Let me take you away from here.

We will find a way to make this last
Stay with me, stay with me!

In my arms you'll be fine. I'll never let go.
All you've lost will come again.
Just stay here with me
Never look back, never again. It's over.
Everything ends here in my arms.

~Stephanie

Things to Know When Dating a Writer

1. We’re schizophrenic. Did you think I was faking it when I talk in purple and green?

2. Inspiration is urgent and cannot be ignored or postponed. I actually made Sam and myself miss a movie because I was in the middle of a short story once. Luckily he's awesome and was used to these unfortunate Things.

3. Do not interrupt while we’re writing. You know what your mom always said about "not unless someone is bleeding or the house is on fire"? Well, not even then.

4. Anything you do or say is fair game. Get used to the phrase "...I'm so gonna use that someday."

5. You must be able to think quickly. When we ask you for a synonym, drop your phone, make eye contact, and start spouting. Don't ask questions. Just go. When inspiration is flowing, there's no such thing as a minor emergency.

6. And outside of the box. Thinking like a well-adjusted twenty-year-old guy is great. However, you must also be able to think like a emotionally-abused half-elf half-fire fairy who needs a quick zinger to toss out while caught in the escape tunnel of a vicious lord's dungeon. Et cetera.

6. You must pretend with us that our characters are real. It's an unrealistic pain in the ass for us to have to preface a character's name with "the guy in my story, named." Know the story, know the people. If we give you a panicked look and whisper, "I think James just died," you better gasp and return the look. {Also be ready to console us if we start to sob.}

7. Mostly don’t laugh at anything that isn’t supposed to be funny. So you think that metaphor was cheesy. Fine. But keep the mirth to yourself. We are showing you something sacred and personal. If you laugh at it, you stab us in the heart.

8. We’re pretty…moody. Because inspiration comes and goes, so does our happiness. However, if you broke Thing #3, you brought this wrath upon yourself and I have no sympathy.

9. Daydreaming is a fragile and legitimate state. If we're sitting at the computer, totally motionless, staring off into the distance, IT DOES NOT MEAN WE AREN'T "WRITING." Chances are, we're searching for the right word, trying to ask a character a question, pondering various plot choices, or exploring the realm of possibilities. Interrupting a daydream still counts as interrupting.

10. Do NOT read over our shoulders. Holy shit. Do not ever do this. It is a complete and intimate violation of privacy. We will show you our writing if and when we become ready. We don't want you to see this pitiful sentence we're currently crafting. It's total crap right now and your body warmth is disrupting our creative process.

11. We need to be encouraged. Sometimes writing is cruel. We try so hard, and half the time our effort gets thrown in our faces. And then on top of that we realize we've thrown away six hours of our lives trying to salvage this scene. But the worst thing ever is when we show you something we're proud of and you blow it off. Don't do that. Writing is incredibly important to us, so if we're important to you, our writing should be too.

~Stephanie