The wad of emotions clogs my throat, desperate for release.
It feels as though the firm little hands of tears could—
Oh fuck it. Just because I’ve been reading poetry doesn’t mean I can write it at the moment. I don’t want to be here. I keep screwing up. I feel so sick and so lonely and so freaked out and so lost and I just don’t want to be here. I want to go home.
Home, of course, being translated to “where Cassidy and Sam are.”
I need them right now, but they’re not here, and I’m not there, and I don’t have a car.
If I had a way to get to them, I would. If one of them showed up right now, I’d get in the car, no question.
I’m shaking. I might be cold. I might not.
I can’t do this. Not because I actually can’t, but because I don’t want to, and that debilitates me.
I have to get it together. I have a paper to write, a presentation to prepare.
…
Yeah, that’s true. Those are truuuue statements. But I’m not going to.
No one can help me either, which is the tragic part. I’d like to be helped, sure, but I’m too stubborn and too depressed to be helped. I couldn’t make eye contact right now if you demanded it. Talking with my voice? I’d like to see someone try.
None of this is okay. *sigh* So far from it. Like, wow.
It’s cool though. I really am a drama queen. I’ll be fine.
Well, I’ll appear to be. But I think unless this gets fixed…I won’t ever actually be fine.
~Me
Stephanie, you will be fine. It's been eye opening and slightly worrying to read your posts over the last three months as you seesaw between happiness and what appears to be panic. Whatever it is you're too stubborn to ask for help about, do it. This is a great opportunity for you to grow. You deserve hugs from everyone who reads this post.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness I have tried and constantly failed at writing poetry. Your beginning didn't seem that bad, though.
ReplyDeletePlease feel okay soon! Sending good vibes your way xxx
^ I agree with Jay 100%.
ReplyDeleteYou know.. sometimes we have to go through hard stuff.. to become the people God created us to be. Sometimes.. we rely to much on a person, and not enough on Him.
He is the only one who can get you off of this seesaw and help you walk through college and everything else He has planned for you. But YOU have to chose. Do you really want to be back and forth "bipolar" about this? Or do you want to embrace this situation?
Honestly.. I believe that if you don't embrace this, you'll regret it later.
If you ever need to talk.. you know where to find me.
*HUGS* I'm prayin for you <3
-Alana
I just found this post because i have this problem where i like to not keep up with the blogs that i love and then i go back later and read all of the posts *dramatic fist pump*
ReplyDeletebut I just wanted to let you know that i can totally identify with all these feelings you are having about school and being away from people and being with some people and not others. It brings back a bunch of memories of times where I felt so enthusiastic about being out of the house one minute and wanted desperately to crawl back to my old life the next.
the thing of it is though, that this is all part of that process. you know the one, the one where you have to grow up even though you kind of don't want to and you drag your feet about it instead. I'd like to tell you it will get better. And it will. But it won't just be better, it will be different. maybe i'm telling you something you already know, but sometimes just hearing it again is a big help.
Whatever it was that caused this post is likely fixed by now, or at least on the back burner, but i just felt like I had to say something. you are such a dear person to me and I love to see all these things that you go through and these new challenges that you are facing. You are strong and you have great friends to back you up whenever you need them around whether you realize it or not.
So all of that to say this: even though it might not feel like it at times, you'll be fine. And on the flip side you'll be looking back at these memories and laughing. hysterically. that I can promise you.