Cold Feet--in Advance

Tonight I watched Victoria, another one of my young friends, get married. The service was a LOT more elegant and organized than Ellie's was last year, and the bride and groom have been together for over two years now. Everyone agrees that this was an appropriate and blessed next step for them.

{Whaaaatever XD}

Unlike at Ellie's wedding, I wasn't in the bridal party, which meant I could actually take in what was going on. Even though I'm not close to Victoria and I honestly wasn't that excited to be at the wedding, I found myself beaming as she walked down the aisle. Even though I don't know the groom at all and I'm not a sentimental person, I found myself getting choked up as he rocked nervously.

Then they started doing the vows.

Ellie's wedding took literally all of ten minutes. By the time I stopped worrying about my dress being twisted and Groomsman #4 making eyes at me, the service was over. I barely had time to listen to the vows or realize that one of my best friends was becoming half of a whole.

At Victoria's wedding, I paid attention the whole time. And it terrified me. My knuckles turned white from clenching my hands together. My eyes widened into saucer-sized pools of awe. My heart raced loudly in my chest.

My friend was giving herself away. The amount of love and commitment she was professing struck me like a slap in the face. The vows of eternal, complete, unwavering, and certain love were endless and serious. So intense. So binding.

I cannot imagine being ready to do that. The level of commitment and certainty is staggering. I don't think I've ever been sure enough of anything in my life to marry it. What if no one ever feels that right to me? What if I never feel ready to commit like that? What if I get to the alter and freak out and run away?

Not so long ago, I kind of thought that I was ready to commit like that. Now I realize that I was light-years away from "ready." While "working with someone you love, having fun, and doing life together" doesn't sound frightening to me at all, the phrases "joined together in the sight of God" and "holy matrimony" scare me shitless.

It's not just that I'm afraid of commitment--although God knows I am; I'm also afraid of making the wrong decision. I'm afraid of picking the wrong guy. I'm afraid of ignoring God. I'm afraid of missing the "right" thing. I cannot imagine being certain and comfortable enough with a decision to marry that I could actually go through with it. I feel like I'd just second guess myself the whole time and end up calling it off.

I guess that's why I'm not engaged.

Hopefully, when the right guy and the right time come, I'll see them and seize them and God will give me peace. Until then,

Yours noncommittally,
~Stephanie