"Paradise" Paraphrase

"Paradise Lost" by John Milton is brilliant and beautiful. One of my favorite books ever. However, for the sake of easy reviewing, I take notes in modern English. If you read it right, the last bit of Book V it's pretty intense and funny, and I would like you to know that. So here you go.

{Direct quotes are italicized.}

Angel Gabriel to angel Uzziel:  "Okay, I have word that Satan has sneaked into the Garden of Eden. You take half the angel army and patrol the south border, and I'll talk the other half and go north."

Gabriel turns to the angels Ithuriel and Zephron and says, "You guys go search inside the Garden for evil, and check on Adam and Eve."

Ithuriel and Zephron zip over to Adam and Eve, who are sleeping in their leafy tent. They see a weird toad squatting next to Eve's ear...

Ithuriel is like >.> and taps the toad with his celestial blade, revealing the toad to be a grisly-looking spirit.

Ithuriel and Zephron:  "Oh jeez." *wince and look away in distaste*

Ithuriel:  "You're one of the rebel angels, aren't you? Which one?"

Satan, filled with scorn, is like, "Really? You fail to recognize a celestial being? You might as well disown yourselves then. Or do you actually know who I am and you're just being cute? How superfluous, as your entire purpose probably is."

Zephron, equally scornful:  "You look nothing like you used to. You're now as repulsive as your sin. Come on. You hafta go explain yourself to Gabriel. You're not supposed to be here, you know."

Satan felt how awful goodness is, but appeared undaunted. "Yes, I'd very much like to see Gabriel. Take me to him, or I'll destroy you on the spot." He snorted. "That would be a small loss."

Zephron:  "You are evil and therefore weaker than me."

Satan is overcome by rage, but kept silent. Only the power of Heaven could render him speechless.

Gabriel sees Satan approaching and says to angel search party:  "Well. That appears to be Satan. He won't go down without a fight. Brace yourselves."  He clears his throat and calls to Satan, "What do you think you're doing here, on earth, screwing with God's perfect creation?"

Satan:  "You know, I used to think you were smart, but your question really throws me into doubt. Who in his right mind would just sit in Hell if he found a way out? YOU wouldn't. And anyway, if God wanted us fallen angels to stay in Hell, he should've made the gate stronger." He shrugged. "Plus, Ithuriel and Zephron will tell you:  I was just chilling next to Eve. I wasn't doing anything BAD."

Gabriel, furious but smirking:  "Wow, sure is a blow to Heaven to have lost someone as sharp as you. And now you've come here and gotten yourself captured and you're questioning MY wisdom? You think that fleeing pain and provoking infinite wrath is a wise idea?"

Satan says nothing; Gabriel continues, glancing around pointedly.  "I see you're here alone. No other fallen angels with you. What, you couldn't take the pain of Hell? I mean, surely if you'd told the other fallen angels what you mission is, at least ONE of them would've come with you."

Satan snarls. "You KNOW I don't shirk pain, you asshole. Your comments confirm your inexperience. It's better to try dangerous plans than try nothing and surely be damned to submission. I faithfully come here to seek new dominion, while you and your angels would rather grovel to God than stand up for yourselves."

Gabriel:  "You're a liar, not a leader, how dare you call yourself faithful? To whom? Your nasty fiends? Your stupid, ugly mind is finally reflected in your hideous, fallen physical form. You're just a sly hypocrite who wouldst seem Patron of Liberty. You fawned over God more than anyone!"

Gabriel shakes his head in disgust and points away. "Get out now, or I will drag you back to Hell myself and reinforce the gates and teach you not to scorn the facile gates of Hell too slightly barred!"

Satan's eyes flash angrily. "Talk about me captive AFTER you take me, bitch! Right now, I'mma fight you!"

At that, the angels glow red and surround Satan. In alarm, Satan grows and expands hugely, towering above angels.

The encounter would have been incredibly destructive, but Heavenly scales appear and Satan's side flies up, higher, weaker, than Gabriel's.

Gabriel says to Satan:  "Neither of us has power outside of what Heaven allows. But see this as a sign that if you resist, you will fail."

At that, Satan flees.