To Be Read On October 8th, 2013

I wrote this to myself a year ago. I'm now going to respond to it, in the green italics.

Hey, 19-year-old Stephanie. Is it weird that I feel really young and insignificant writing this? I mean, it definitely is. It's not like you have all the answers to life and I don't. I mean, my 13-year-old self thought my 16-year-old self was going to be the shit, and she wasn't, so you're probably not THAT much more awesome than I am now either.

I'm not XD Definitely some though. I'm more confident and more difficult to scare/make uncomfortable. I'm about 25% as naive as I was when you wrote this. I'm pretty okay with that.

I do seriously wonder where you're going to college though. Did you stay at Campbell? I'm afraid you might have. If you did, I hope you're happy and proud of that choice.  I really do. No sarcasm. If you're now at Wake Forest, HALLELUJAH! You did it! You are living out your black and gold soul, carrying on a legacy, and earning a degree you will be proud to claim for the rest of your life.

I am, in fact, still at Campbell. From what I've heard, Wake Forest is really preppy and difficult, and let's face it, 56k a year with no merit scholarship was never going to happen. I'm pretty happy at Campbell :) Good people, good professors. It really is in the middle of freaking nowhere though...

I also wonder if you're fat. Isn't that terrible? Like, I'm pretty afraid you might be, and if you are, I am 100% certain that I just ruined your day by asking that. If you're not, HALLELUJAH! Stay thin. Work out. Food isn't that good. If you are, don't freak out.  Find an exercise buddy, eat better, and get enough sleep. Make a chart. Remember how much you love dance? Dance.

I am not "fat." I've definitely gain weight and I hate my body, but hey, what's new. I am going to crossfit semi-regularly though. We did chest presses with 40lb today. I almost died. I'd love to have a workout buddy, but Justin is the closest thing I have.

DANCE. Good God, have you figured out how to dance? Hopefully you're in a dance class and getting better. If you're not...

I am dancing! :D In fact, you'll love to know that I'm known across campus as "the white girl who can dance." Sometimes it's embarrassing and annoying, but being recognized for dance is kind of a dream come true. As far as classes go, I did jazz dance last semester, and I'm in tap now. I'm definitely getting better. "Intro to Tap" my ass. It's HARD.

*sigh* I'm really afraid of offending you. So far all I've done is criticize your choices and body weight. I do apologize. There are things that are much more important to me. Like your friends. And Sam.

You're fine XD It´s seriously hard to offend me. Being friends with Gerard and Justin has made me thick-skinned.

Do you have good friends? I'm struggling right now. Gabe and Kirsten and I just had dinner last night, and being around them made me realize how much I miss being my real self. I hope you have friends that you can be your real self around.  There's a really cool person inside of me, I know, and I hope you've been able to find her.

I DO have good friends! :D I have several. Gerard is good for late-night philosophy, so long as he doesn't hit on me too much. Anna is good for a listening ear and a girl friend struggling with similar issues. Bekah is good for clubbing and having fun. Justin is good for a pick-me-up and a dance partner. Sean is good to have around in awkward situations. Anthony...mostly just complicates things at this point, but hopefully that gets better real fast.

I think...I've been finding my real self. She comes and goes, but I think on the whole, it really is three steps forward two steps back. Progress is being made. I have a writing project I'm currently excited about. I may have found a small group that I love.

Also, where's Sam? At home, I think. Does that question make you wince? Nope. Does it make you grit your teeth? No. Do you pass your eyes over it and decide not to answer? No. Do you delete it?  No. Why would I do that? Deleting stuff just defeats the purpose of this post. Does it make you sad-smile? Nooooo. Goshhhhh. Actually huh. Maybe a little bit. Does it make you real-smile? Not...really. Are you guys about to celebrate a year-and-a-half of being together? No.

If you're not...what happened? Did he find someone else first, or did you? Did you have a massive argument? Do you still talk to him at all? He's my best friend, 19-year-old Stephanie. Please don't disregard that. Remember, unless he brutally murdered your family for no good reason, you have to love him and be there for him.

We just...faced the truth, for the first time. Dating was wrong for us when we did it. We didn't follow through with our promises, we didn't stick by our principles; there were a lot of lies that prevented things from developing in a healthy way.

He did not find anyone else.

I also did not find anyone else.

We have had several massive arguments, however they've all taken place since we've broken up XD

Of course I talk to him, 18-year-old, Steph :) He's my best friend too.

Is there someone else? Did you fall in love again? What a weird thought. I have trouble writing this, because I'm thinking about 19-year-old Sam reading it. {That is a weird concept. Why is it so hard to imagine Sam being nineteen years old? D: What if he dies before he gets that old? Is that what my psychic self is telling me? Ah D:}

There's no one else. There are some people who have expressed interest, but I'm me, so that's not going anywhere yet.

No, I didn't fall in love again. I so understand your having trouble writing this. I was afraid of what you might have written, to be honest.

And yeah, I also have trouble imagining Sam as a nineteen year old :P But he is still alive, you paranoid, paranoid person.

Are you still as weird as I am? Oh jeez. Just as weird and THEN SOME.

Do you write? Yes :)

Do you still wear your hair naturally? I don't think I've straightened it once since becoming a sophomore.

What kind of makeup do you wear?

*siiiiiiiiiiiigh* Right now I wear Hard Candy's "Little Black Dress" felt tip eyeliner ONLY ON THE TOP because it's possibly the last of its kind. I seriously cannot find this eyeliner anywhere in stores or online. It's a constant source of grief. Constant.

Does Sarah have a boyfriend? She's a junior. That's weird.

No. I want her to date Justin though. I think. He can be brutally impatient, which would destroy her, so we'll see.

How's Cassidy? How's Ellie? How's Kirsten? How are Momma and Daddy?

Cassidy is pretty good :) She's doing well in school and still thinking about her plans for next year. We're still close. Thank you for not being so pessimistic and ridiculous as to ask if we're still friends.

 Ellie's...I mean, she's married. She's honestly the exact same person she's been since seventh grade.

Kirsten's good :) She's actually planning to not play tennis next year, and she's possibly also transferring to Carolina...that would be sad and strange, but I never see her anyway. She lives in Faculty.

Mom and Daddy are good. They're team-teaching Challenge I. Daddy did the triathlon again. Mom's a workout beast.

Do you still paint your nails? I don't very often any more, so you probably almost never do.

I haven't painted my fingernails in about two and a half months actually. I'm trying to get the layers to grow out. I've heard painting your nails/polish remover is really bad for them. So far that appears to be true. They've been improving since I quit painting them.

Are you a virgin? I hope to God you are.

Um. Like, yes.

Oh, have you ever tasted alcohol? I hope to God you haven't.

Nupe.

Drugs? Nah. Like, I'm not even worried about that.

Yeah, not even close.

Who's Bekah going out with? Are y'all still friends? Did drama ensue?

Reafe, the Canadian-Jamaican soccer player. We are still friends. No drama, really. She tends to steal guys away from me, but it's not difficult because I don't try to hold onto them anyway.

Do you still love Batman?

HELL YESSSSSS.

I know this is a weird question, but do you know that guy Hunter? {From Campbell. A year older than you. Was the Narrator in Mafia that first week you were at college.} I just have this weird feeling about him, like I've totally seen him before and he's important. I have not told a single person this. Is he important? Or do you not even remember who he is?

I have not forgotten about him. I see him occasionally. We have not yet spoken.

Is Licorice alive?

She passed away about a month ago actually. We buried her at the farm.

How are you and God? I pretty much really hope you're tight.

We've been better; we've been worse.

How long is your hair?

Two inches past shoulders-ish. I think o_o

Do you like Converse shoes still? I mean, I assume you do. It's not like you've gotten a personality transplant.

Yes. I now have black, charcoal, gray, red, tan, red hightops, and Batman. Right now I have neon green laces in the gray ones.

Any more piercings? Tattoos?

No, but I still definitely want a tattoo. So badly. I just have to know what.

Sam asks if you still have elf ears. Do you? Or did you get an industrial bar and fuck one of them up?

I do :) I did not get an industrial. Yet.

Oh, do you cuss? Like, regularly?

Not like a lot of people, but no one flinches when I cuss. Except Justin. He likes to make a big deal out of it. Like a really monumental deal. {Justin:  O_O *grins in shock and waves arms and jumps/bounces* "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh you said a curse wordddddddd. Do it again! Say it again! Please. Do it. Please."}

Do you still sleep with Happy, Real Blank and Charles? {Again, I assume so. You ARE still me, after all.}

Yes.

Oh, what's your current favorite song? Band?

Ooh. Hm. I dunno. Lemme give you some variety:  "Atlas" by Coldplay; "Dig" by Incubus; "Holy Grail" by Jay-Z and Justin; {I'm so tired right now. I can't even think.}

BOOK?

Prolly "The Magicians."

I should go. I have a government test to study for tomorrow. I have not studied hardly at all. I can't figure out why I'm not nervous. I also have like 40 pages of Western Civ to read.

I love you, but god yes, stop asking questions. You don't even exist anymore, and 19-year-old Stephanie has Scope homework to do at some point. Same professor as you had for that government test. Good ol' Dr. Thornton. I hope they let me keep him as my adviser when I switch majors to English.

I miss Sam. I miss talking to him. Do you miss him too? No matter what's going on, that's a legitimate question. Answer it.

Yes. I miss Sam a lot. But I'll see him in two days so it's relatively cool.

Alright, I'll let you go. Make me proud. Don't forget me. But be yourself. Your 19-year-old self. Don't live for me. I'm dead. You're alive. Live for you, now.

:) You were pretty cool, 18. Thanks for this blast from the past. Good questions, really. Thanks for getting me where I am today. Couldn't have done it without you XD

Carpe diem :)

I shall.

~Stephanie