Wednesday, May 11, 2011

{truth is}

**This post talks about some adult issues. If you just hesitated even slightly, please don't read this post. It's NOT that it's horribly R-rated, it's just that there are so many things I wish I didn't know, and I don't want to be the one to introduce you to this crap.**

So, the whole "truth is" thing has been going around Facebook for a while, although I'm pretty sure it's over. All good {or just kind of lame} things must come to an end. But I recently showed a friend this blog, and got to thinking about "truth is."

The things I post here are me. All the way. The way I think, the way I talk, the way I feel. Some of it is weird, a lot of it is a little crude, but it's me. Uncut, uncensored. {And honestly, it could be a lot worse. Just saying'.}

But as the friend scanned the posts, I felt on edge, like I was about to lie.

"Oh, that wasn't me posting actually, one of my friends did that one."
"I don't really think that, I just thought it was funny."
"Someone...put me up to that?"

But no.

No. No. NO. No. NO.

I am done lying. I am done hiding. At least here, at least on Pandora.

I'M NOT PERFECT, GUYS. And sometimes, I flat out suck. I'm not proud of it, I'm trying to change it, but I am not going to lie or hide it. The whole reason I started Pandora was so I could have a place to be REAL. My REAL thoughts, my REAL feelings, my REAL mind.

I will never lie to you here. I might not tell it all {last name, birthday, street name, social security number}, but I'm not going to slant things. I'm not going to twist a story to make myself look better. I'm not going to pretend like I'm not one of the worst people I know.

I've told you before that I struggled/struggle with porn. That idea is true, but it's not exactly right. I didn't feel like explaining it then. But what I really struggle with is masochism, and in the written form. Not like graphic novels, but the crap you can find online.

{I know some people are going to tell me that there's nothing wrong with that, that it's just who I am and I should embrace it and stop worrying. Well, I don't want to be that way.}

I didn't even know masochistic stories/descriptions/websites existed when I started looking for them. I was completely innocent. I just had these raw feelings of masochism that I've had for as long as I can remember. I didn't know it was a sexual thing, I just knew what I wanted and Googled it. I had no idea what I was getting into.

But, as you all know, the internet is ready and waiting to help people like that, and I got sucked into the whole thing really fast and hard. Without knowing what was going on, I didn't know that I should fight it. I mean, I figured there was something wrong with wanting to be beaten and enslaved, but I didn't...I just didn't know what was going on.

Ugh. You don't even know how hard it is for me to write this. I know it's easy to read, but writing it is like pulling out my insides. This whole thing is probably the hardest thing I've ever written >.< But no lies here. No sugarcoating. I lay it all out on the line for Pandora. For the first time in my life, I have a place to be brutally honest.

In real life, I hide that whole side of me. The Me inside is so different from the Me my friends know and love.

I'm not one of those people who's afraid no one would like her if they knew her real self. I have some really good friends that I know would never forsake me, even if they knew. That's not what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of their eyes. If they knew the darker side of me, they'd look at me differently. Every time a related subject came up, I'd feel dirty and horrible.

You know that uncomfortable feeling you get when watching a racy movie scene with your parents? That's what my whole life would feel like if everyone knew. I hate being fake, but I'd hate being real more.

That's the whole reason behind Pandora. I don't have to fake here, at all, ever. In fact, I forbid myself to be fake here. I don't allow myself to lie, twist, slant, etc. anything I post. Is it uncomfortable? Yes. Do I worry about my friends somehow finding this blog? Absolutely. But I need Pandora. As much as I needed my old blog at the time, I now need Pandora.

The truth is, I'm not perfect, and I finally get to admit it.


1 comment:

  1. You = Me, that is why we are best friends <3