11 Things

Hazel tagged me :D Cool. This is great because 1) I ran out of things to say today and 2) it looks fun.

THE RULES
#1 You must post these rules
#2 You must post 11 things about yourself
#3 You must answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and create 11 new questions for people you tag to answer
#4 You must tag 11 people to do this meme and tell them on their blog!

11 THINGS

1. I can't do a flip under water.

2. I think I'm obnoxious about 60% of the time.

3. Especially when I've had a lot of caffeine. I enjoy Coca-Cola, so this is often.

4. I don't really wear sunscreen.

5. But I don't really ever burn either.

6. I'm in the process of watching "Face Off."

7. With Sam.

8. It's not as good as I remembered XD

9. I cheat on these things.

10. By splitting up my sentences.

11. Because I like questions better than statements and I want to get to those.

HAZEL'S 11 QUESTIONS

#1 How are you currently feeling? At this moment I am quite happy. Sleepy, and if I allow myself to think, stressed--but quite happy.
#2 What's the first thing you think of when I say...cheese? Burger...
#3 Night or day? Noctus.
#4 Do you collect anything? Hm, I used to collect like six million things. Right now I mostly collect...like, lists.
#5 Have you ever been stung by a bee? I have not. I HAVE been stung by a wasp though.
#6 What side of the bed do you sleep in? I have a twin bed, so the different sides aren't hugely discernible. But I think I alternate.
#7 Can you drive a car? I can. It is also now legal for me to do so.
#8 Do you have a job? What is it? Um. No. :3
#9 State one thing you love about the country you live in? The foundation of freedom.
#10 Do you like answering memes? I actually kind of love it, because I'm narcissistic.
#11 Favourite actor/actress? Actor...Christian Bale. Actress...I can't think of one. Wait, Jennifer Lawrence.

11 NEW QUESTIONS

1. Panda or koala?

2. Would you rather shoot one friend or ten total strangers?

3. What's your favorite number? Why?

4. Where do you see yourself in five years?

5. What is your scariest memory?

6. Do you like peanut butter?

7. Would you rather be too hot or too cold?

8. Does it annoy you when people point out innuendos?

9. What happens when you get really hungry?

10. Have you ever broken anything? How?

11. If you could add or subtract a member of your family, what would you do? {E.g., "I would get rid of my psychopathic aunt" or "I would have an older brother."}

11 TAGGEES

1. Sara

2. Sonja

3. Shena

4. Sarah

5. Steph

6. Sceryth {/Jordan}

7. Sweet Pea

8. Psycho Babbling Basher

9. Shruti

10. Shayq'an

11. Sam

Yeah. All "S" sounds. 'Cause I had exactly the right number of S people to be able to do that. It just worked out.

I'm super tired guysssss.

~Stephanie

Why Does This Happen?

His music isn't my style {although I admit "Whataya Want From Me?" has a significant number of plays on my iPod}. However, he's hott. It just figures that he's gay.

Adam Lambert, guys.

~Stephanie

Graduation

Thanks for following, Lisa and Jessie!

Today, I graduate high school. Today is the official end of an era and the theoretical beginning of a new one.

My classes have been finished for over a month now, so the ceremony feels a little disconnected from my actual high school career. All the same, it's a big milestone, and something to add to my list of "Noteworthy Personal Events" in my Twenty-Twelve journal.

{You have my permission to laugh.}

I'd feel a lot better about graduating if I had solid college plans for the fall though XD I tell you, I never imagine myself in a position like this. Absolutely not. All my life I assumed I would apply to Wake Forest, get accepted, and go. No gap year. No community college. Nothing but a smooth transition to Wake Forest in the fall of 2012.

Well, that's not gonna happen XD I just have to believe that it's not happening for a reason. Hopefully I'll see that reason sooner rather than later.

But ANYWAY, happy graduation to me and a lot of my friends! I still haven't gotten any of your presents {except for Sam's} and when I do they will probably be lame because I suck at gifts!

Yeah. I'm gonna...go...now.

~Stephanie

Five-Oh

Today, my dad turns 50 :O

My dad and I used to be really close. Like he was one of my best friends and probably my favorite person in the world. But for some reason over the past couple of years we've started to become distant. I barely ever see him now; he has a lot of meetings to go to, and I'm gone more evenings than I'm home. {A license will do that, I'm beginning to realize.}

His memory and hearing have also gotten worse than EVER, so even when we do talk it's pretty much just an endless stream of frustration and impatience from me.

When we do talk, it's mostly about my not doing chores or not putting forth enough effort to get into Wake Forest. {Both are quite legitimate complaints on his part.}

Earlier this week, we scheduled a trip to Wake Forest and my mom couldn't go. So it would be just me and my dad in the car alone together for an hour and a half. I wasn't dreading it or anything, but I wasn't particularly happy about it either.

We went out to the car and he got in the passenger seat. Alright then, guess I was driving.

I made a playlist of Coldplay and Florence + the Machine and we drove for a while.

Then suddenly--and I'm literally not even sure how this came about--we started talking. We skipped every form of small talk and surface chatter and went straight and sure into the deep stuff I'm dealing with.

My lack of motivation in life

My apathy towards all hobbies except dance

My secret hiatus from Christianity

My desire to live without boundaries

My fear of being a bad role model

All of that was thrown right out in the open, willingly, by me. I'm not sure what happened, but suddenly I was talking about all that, in a low, even voice.

Daddy: "Wow. I've been feeling the exact same way."

...

I'm sorry, what?

Suddenly we were equals. It wasn't liked talking to my pastor or my teacher or even my father. It was like talking to a new friend. He didn't have all the answers, and for once in my life he was being totally open about that. He wasn't even PRETENDING to know what was up in order to help me through my crises.

It was almost unnerving. My perfect dad was telling me that he sometimes wanted out of this life; that he was fed up and didn't always feel like being a Christian; that he could understand why people got drunk.

Daddy: "...I probably shouldn't have said that >.> *laughs*"

Me: "Maybe not. But I think it would have been worse not to."

We talked about not wanting to do ANYTHING, not even NOTHING.

We talked about running away and living on a farm and growing food and that's all.

We talked about why we think God exists.

We talked about wanting to get away from your own self.

I even brought up this idea I've been having for a while: moving out and renting a house with friends.

Me: "Like with Cassidy and Sam...and Daniel or something..."

Expected reaction: "Hm, that's probably not the best idea. Especially you and Sam."

Actual reaction: "That would be AWESOME! In fact, I know a neighborhood that would be really cool to do that in. ...wanna go see it?"

Me: "Wh--I mean, yes!"

So we actually did that. We drove to this neighborhood near the college that I'll probably end up going to for a year and looked around. It's kind of awesome. Old and small and borderline-sketchy.

Daddy: "This is the perfect kind of place to rent a house like that. It would be so cool. I mean, the electricity would be temperamental and the plumbing wouldn't work right..."

Me: "Yeah! That actually sounds fun to me...hilarious 2AM stories and freaking out trying to fix things ourselves..."

Daddy: "Right?!"

It actually took him a little while to realize that it's weird for girls and guys to live together like that {especially when two of them are dating and one of them is his daughter}. He was genuinely disappointed when his sense of morality came back and he realized this.

Daddy: "Well dang. Maybe you could get houses NEXT to each other. That would still be cool."

We never exactly solved anything the whole car ride. We didn't come to a great conclusion about why we're dissatisfied with life, or why I should resume my life as a Christian, or how I should rent a house, or why I should try extra hard to get into Wake Forest.

We actually didn't even talk to anyone at Wake Forest, which was the entire point of the trip. The whole admissions staff was on retreat. But I'm almost positive that the reason Daddy and I drove to Wake Forest had nothing to do with my college future. God had something much more important in mind to fix.

He brought one of my best friends back into my life :) No, he introduced me to a totally new one. I love my dad, and I used to think he was great, but I've never felt so able to express myself to him than I did that Tuesday afternoon. I never stopped loving him, but now I LIKE him again. He's back to being a person that I would intentionally spend time with and tell things to.

Thanks for being so...awesome, Daddy. I love you. And happy fiftieth birthday!

~Stephanie

Twenty-Twelve

The other day, Hazel blogged about what she wants to do this summer. The day before I read her post, I'd made my own Summer To-Do List, so I figured I'd share mine as well :)

I hate the feeling at the end of the summer when I'm like, "But...there was so much I wanted to do!" Hopefully this year I'll be able to get through my list, because it's only eight freaking things long. Come on, Stephanie, you can pull this off...

1. Apply to my backup college.
Yeahh...that'd be good.

2. Get a job.
*sigh* Desperately. Need. To do this.

3. Catch lightning bugs.
Potentially with PC.

4. Go to the zoo.
:DDDD MUST DO THIS.

5. Write.
My souls needs this again.

6. Go to the lake.
It's literally a five-minute walk from my house. And somehow I don't go there enough.

7. Read 10 books.
Books are monumentally important.

8. Get back in shape.
I feel better when I am. I forgot about that.

~Stephanie

Heart Hacking

There is a whole area/category/set of things that I can't say. Not things like, "I actually hate your haircut" or "THEY ALL DIE IN CHAPTER SEVENTEEN," but nice things that I used to know how to express, and now can't. Things like, "I'm glad you came," "I love you," and "that meant a lot to me."

I used to be really good at saying those nice things. I used to be TOO good at saying those nice things. I'd let my emotions overwhelm me and take full control, resulting in endless torrents of sappiness and vulnerability. Everyone knew exactly how much they meant to me, and therefore exactly how much they could hurt me or get away with before I'd cut them off.

But then I realized what a vat of vulnerability I was and my face did this:

And I was like, "NEVER AGAIN" and put a tourniquet on my heart.

It was all *sadface* for a little while, but then it became natural. I drifted away from the friends who knew me as Emoti-Steph and got closer to the ones I hadn't ever opened up to anyway, so the change wasn't that obvious. Eventually people got used to me being sarcastic and cynical, and so did I.

It honest-to-God didn't bother me. I liked it. I embraced it. It was much easier, and I felt stronger. It felt like a victory to be able to roll my eyes at cute movie moments and honestly not give a crap when a cute animal died. I felt like a badass, and the best part was that there were only benefits to it. Being anti-sentimentality cut down on awkward moments, made it easier to handle situations, and virtually ensured that no one could hurt me--at least knowingly.

I've sort of talked about this before, in my post about being cynical. If you read that post, you'll remember that I ended on the note that I still felt that I was right in being a Scrooge and that I wasn't especially interested in being any other way. {<--run-on sentence} At least that's the attitude I look back and see in myself.

But for the first time in probably three years, I'm starting to give a damn about my heart again. {That sentence kind of makes me want to throw up, by the way.} There's no way I can or want to go back to being the sappy chica I was before, but...I'm starting to think that I don't enjoy being a rock all the time. It seems like I might actually be missing the freedom to open up at least on occasion.

However, I legitimately do not know how to start or where to begin with that. I cannot say sentimental things. I can't. It feels terrible and more often than not it gets thrown back in my face. I can't be open about my feelings. Or maybe more accurately, I won't allow myself to be. I locked up my heart and threw away the key, and now the whole world--including myself--is shut out XD

How does one break into a heart? How does one find the happy medium between vulnerable open book and heartless wad of sarcasm? Does a happy medium even exist?

I'm tentatively seeking the answers to these questions. But unfortunately talking about feelings involves feelings...imagine that. So it's a little difficult. But I shall probably keep you posted.

Heh, don't I always?

~Stephanie

I Went Through My Pictures The Other Day

~Stephanie