Monday, June 23, 2014

Here, Have Some Sap

Begun May 5

As I start this post, Gem and I have only been dating for about a month and a half. However, despite the fact that it is way too early to be feeling much of anything, I have been feeling things.

A lot of things. A lot of strong things.

I am entirely shocked and confused and embarrassed by all the unexpected things going on inside my chest region. But as uncomfortable as expression is, I cannot seem to contain myself.

So in lieu of spewing sappiness upon my friends and family, I am going to channel the sap into this neat little corner of the internet. In the interest of staying sane, I am giving my inhibitions the time off and just going for it.

Happy I-Know-It's-Only-Been-Three-Months to me and Gem XD
The first time I ever saw Gem was the first day of school, senior year. He had a gap between his front teeth and a mohawk. Our teacher stared at him and said, "Did you get a weird haircut?"

"No," he said, in a voice full of good-natured, sarcastic mischief. "I got a COOL haircut."
I remember the first time I REALLY saw him. I'd been looking at him all year, but one day, he did something that made me look out from my smug little bubble of security and SEE HIM.

He crossed me. In a particular theology discussion, I stated that something was clearly the domain of the mind, as it should be. He disagreed with me--arguing for the heart--and calmly but firmly kept his opposing opinion even in the face of my startled, vehement disagreement.

I remember looking up at him slowly, feeling my eyes get bigger and clearer. A film fell away from my consciousness. I never saw him the same way again.
But if I had to pick the day that most drastically changed the way I looked at Gem, it would be the day he randomly showed up to class dressed as a pirate. For no reason.

On that day, he went from being my clever theology buddy to the boy with the sexiest arms and hands I had ever seen in my life.

I think my jaw actually dropped. I did not see it coming. And since that day, I've never been able to NOT think about how sexy his arms and hands are every. time. I see him.

When he came in the door, phones and cameras came out XD Unfortunately, I was only able to secure two pictures of the incident, which I now share for your viewing pleasure.


Unfortunately, you can't see his hands in these pictures. Pity.

Before Gem, I knew arms could be sexy, but I had no idea that hands could be sexy. His are tan and long and they flow with this masculine grace that I find completely distracting. {In a moment of drowsy oblivion, I actually TOLD him that he had extremely sexy arms. He has teased me regularly since.}

He plays the piano, and his favorite song to play happens to be my favorite classical song ever:  Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. He played it for me once, and all I could think was, "I am the luckiest girl in the world."
One of the first things I told Gem when we started dating is "I'm not really romantic. Feelings make me uncomfortable and I mostly show affection through sarcasm." He accepted that with no problem.

My subconscious then proceeded to make me a liar.

Guys, this boy. I don't know how to describe it. He makes me laugh every day, and it's never a snicker or disparaging chuckle. It's the kind of laughter that first fills me up with joy from the inside until it comes spilling out in a real laugh. And HIS laugh. Don't even get me started. It comes on quick as a sneeze and is so genuine and beautiful that I just want to stop everything and watch him laugh.
He joined my family + Cassidy and Sarah's friend at the beach for a couple of days last week. The ocean was pretty damn frigid, but I surprised myself by braving it with Gem and Cass, albeit amid exclamations of discomfort and wild, wracking shivers.

Gem looked over his shoulder and said, "Have I ever told you that you're adorable in cold water?"
Later, we walked on the beach. "I've been thinking about what you said the other day," he told me. "About feeling trapped at home during the summer, when you don't have college to go back to?"

I nodded.

"Well," he continued. "I've been thinking about that, and I have an idea that I think you'll like." He took a breath. "If you start feeling like you can't escape, call me and tell me. I will pick you up the next morning, and we will run away for a day. We will go to Walmart and buy clothes that we wouldn't normally buy; we will go somewhere we've never been before; and we will give ourselves different names. We'll be characters for a day, in whatever story we want."

I was completely speechless. I think that might be one of the best things I've ever heard in my life.
I also talked about how scary the concept of Heaven is. I told him that I don't want to be ANYWHERE for eternity, even somewhere good.

"That used to scare me too," he said. "But then I realized that we won't be there for an infinite amount of time. There will BE no time. We'll be outside of time. Time won't 'continue' because it'll never begin."

Somehow, that sounds less scary. It won't feel trapping or endless. It'll be even less overwhelming than "one day at a time." We won't wrestle with ANY concept of time. I could handle that.
And his family. The more I get to know them, the more I like them. Lindsi has crazy dyed hair; David has posed in a bunny suit while holding a sign that says "I AM real;" Megan's profession on Facebook is "Boss of the {LastName} Household;" Zach has his ears pierced; Abigail's favorite band is Relient K; they all have matching tattoos of two swallows carrying a coconut.

Who WOULDN'T love this family?! Holy cow!
Not only do *I* love Gem's family, but so does HE. His family is probably the most important thing in the world to him. I can't even express how much I respect that about him.

He loves his little nephews probably more than anything, in a way that is both strong and adorable.
Gem brings me this totally unfamiliar, guiltless happiness. He makes me FEEL in a sweeter way than I thought myself capable. From the very beginning of knowing him, he has demanded that I pay attention to my heart. He's made me notice so many things, like laughter and benches and anachronisms and sunsets--and the sexiness of hands.

He makes me so happy. He's comfortable and funny and respectful and genuine and adorable and he just makes me feel like I'm glowing. I've been having trouble sleeping because my life is like that quote, about not wanting to sleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

I know this initial crush phase will end, but for the time being, it's really nice.
I have always known that there was something for me and Gem. I don't know how, but I wrote it in my journal three years ago and confided it to my friendbrother {though, Aaron, you probably don't remember XD}. That being said, I don't know why I conducted myself that way I did for those three years. I dated someone else and gave that person all the things I should have saved. I even remember thinking during that relationship, "What am I going to tell Gem?" It is a very eerie experience looking back, and I still do not understand it at all.

I cannot believe that I deserve this boy. I am selfish and dark and damaged. He's totally out of my league. Every time I stop and think about it, I just can't believe he's dating ME. I'm his first girlfriend. He waited for me for THREE YEARS. He deserves so much better. It's mind-blowing, really.

Or perhaps he can make me better. For the first time in my life, I think I've found someone who could actually make me want to change.


P.S. I'm getting my wisdom teeth out as you read this XD Sooooo...prayers?


  1. i love every stinking bit of this post. i remember when you told me that you were very intentionally trying to find something like what nathan and i have and i wanted that so badly for you. this is lovely, YOU are lovely and i do not have words for how happy i am that you have someone who is just so GOOD for you.

    plus, wisdom teeth? ain't no thang. you'll be fine :)

  2. I can't get over how awesome this post is. I am beyond happy for you... like seriously. I wish y'all the very very best!