Songs on Repeat These Days

"Waves"



"Stitches"



"Talking Dogs" These guys are great, by the way. You should check them out! My friend Alex Mckee is the lead singer and guitar player.



"The Hills"




~Stephanie

From What I Broke Free

Eminem and Rihanna came out with "The Monster" on October 29, 2013, about two weeks before I completely lost my integrity for a time.

You're trying to save me? Stop holding your breath.

And you think I'm crazy? Well, that's not fair.

I'd always liked Eminem (anyone who loves words should like Eminem. He is brilliant.), and I'd recently come to admit that I liked Rihanna (as a masochist who struggles with a porn addiction, she'd always hit a little too close to home), but "The Monster" took an unprecedented hold on me.

You know how I used to write in Purple and Green? That's because I used to THINK in Purple and Green, except that it felt like they were thinking for me.

I felt like my mind was made up of three distinct characters:  "Stephanie," "Purple," and "Green." We were each our own person with our own voice. A lot of the time, I--"Stephanie"--wouldn't get very many lines inside my own head. I would sit there and watch/listen to Purple and Green argue and discuss and joke until I felt like I was going legitimately crazy.

They wouldn't let me get a word in, and eventually I figured it didn't matter. Listening to them helped me process my thoughts anyway. I stopped trying to shut them up and started trying to use their interactions to reason my way through life.

Because life was bad.

It didn't always feel bad; in fact, most of the time it felt awesome. It felt like staying up late (to text PC, who I was supposedly broken up with) and saying what I wanted (which included a lot of profanity) and eating what I wanted (whether too little to be healthy or too much to be healthy) and going where I wanted (including to friends' apartments in the middle of the night so I could sleep on the same bed [i.e. dirty mattress on the floor] as PC).

I knew my life wasn't right, but a lot of the time it felt really great. I felt like I was really, truly, finally starting to Grow Up. I guess I thought growing up meant doing whatever you wanted and feeling really jaded about life.

But deep down, I felt so, so empty. I felt lost. I could close my eyes and see my heart inside of my chest:  dark, swirling, smokey fog. Empty. Insubstantial. Uncertain.

I lied to my family a lot. I told creative truths and lies of omission to Cassidy. I lost a lot of respect from my little sister. PC helped me do it all. I felt like he was really helping me though. I felt like he was helping me to Grow Up:  to be my own person and make my own decisions and fight my own inner demons.

He especially seemed to help with the inner demons.

First, he helped me to identify them, which included realizing how "arbitrary" my conditions for dating him were. (I really was being irrational and unkind. I couldn't reasonably expect him to get his life on track before I dated him again. Dating is all about understanding and tackling life together, right? I shouldn't demand that he get a job or become a real Christian first. That could come later.)

Second, he helped me figure out how I could combat the demons. For example, since I felt so guilty about constantly going farther in our physical relationship, we should set boundaries and stick to them. (He was also really patient when I didn't say No loud enough or push his hands away enough times. He constantly offered to draw the boundary lines again, and even offered to stop in the middle and go get protection when it looked like I really wasn't going to be strong enough to resist.)

Third, he offered educated diagnoses for my mental episodes (episodes such as changing my mind a lot, hearing Purple and Green, feeling really depressed, etc.). He gently cautioned me that I might be schizophrenic or have serious repressed sexual issues from childhood. Using extensive internet research and carefully constructed logic, he suggested that I might be a sociopath, and that he could see signs of psychopathy in himself (what a perfect match!).

Eventually I stopped resisting him. He was probably right about everything, and even if he wasn't, I had already gone too far down this particular Growing Up path. PC was not only the best I was ever going to get, he was also what I deserved.

I started hearing "The Monster" on the radio around the time I stopped resisting. I mostly skipped it; I never seemed to be in the mood to learn a new song, and sometimes I still liked to pretend I hated Rihanna. However, it was catchy, and it reminded me of myself in a way that made me smile wryly.

"I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed, get along with the voices inside of my head..."

That line always made me think of Purple and Green.

"You're trying to save me? Stop holding your breath."

My heart would pinch as I thought about PC. He loved me so much. He was trying so hard to help me become my true self. He was trying to save me, but I knew I was beyond help. I was hopeless.

"And you think I'm crazy? Yeah, you think I'm crazy. Well, that's not fair."

That line gave me pause. The rest of the chorus resonated so perfectly with me. But the speaker wasn't crazy? I was crazy. Wasn't I? Didn't I make up unfair, arbitrary conditions for dating PC; and change my mind all the time about how far I wanted to go physically; and hear voices; and have trust issues? I was crazy.

But what if that wasn't fair? What if...what if I could get along with my inner demons and voices in my head by myself? What if I could actually handle them just fine? What if PC's trying to "save" me wasn't really salvation at all? What if his saying that I was "crazy" wasn't true? What if it was a selfish ploy to get what he wanted? What if he was just posing as my savior and convincing me that I was crazy?

Well. That wouldn't be fair.

What if I wasn't crazy? What if I just wanted something different? What if I just wasn't who he wanted me to be? What if I just wanted a different definition of Growing Up? What if he was just labeling me as crazy so that I would trust him over myself?

That's. Not. Fair.

"The Monster" didn't change my life; it didn't inspire me to break with PC once and for all; but it was sort of an unintentional mantra for the next several months. I would listen to it every time it came on the radio, and I would sing along. The last line of the chorus always came out with more conviction than I anticipated:

"WELL, THAT'S NOT FAIR."

How dare he convince me I was crazy just to get what he wanted? That's. Not. Fair.

And now, every time I hear that song, I am reminded that I am my own person. I am reminded that I have to be careful whom I trust. I am NOT crazy just because someone says I am

It's funny:  ever since I really, truly, finally broke it off with PC, Purple and Green have kind of left me alone.

~Stephanie

In My Arms Reprise

WARNING:  This post may get sappy. It will definitely praise God.
 ~~~~~~~~~
A little over a year ago, I posted THESE lyrics.

To date, I think "In My Arms" by Dead By April is the most influential song in my life. A year ago, God broke my heart, with a lot of help from myself and someone else.

 {I know it's hard to let go all that defines you. You feel like you'll never be whole again.}
 
When I heard "In My Arms" one day in April of 2013, I KNEW God was speaking to me. I let my walls come down and I just surrendered it all to Him. I demanded of myself to trust God and brokenly believe that the words of "In My Arms" would someday be true for me.

I. HAD. NO. IDEA.

{Don't give in. Don't let your memories break you.}

I spent a year trying not to let my memories of PC break me. I tried not to look back. For the first five or six months, I failed miserably. I deserted all my promises to God. I turned back to my own twisted logic. I began to depend on my own perversions of the future. It was unhealthy and shameful and I lost a lot more than just valuable time.

The words of "In My Arms" remained a faint but persistent promise in the back of my mind.

{All you've lost will come again; just stay here with me.}

I couldn't imagine gaining back a fraction of what I'd had in PC. He was my best friend. He represented everything I'd ever wanted in a companion, plus some. He understood me. He challenged me. He made me happy.

All I'd lost would come again? WAS GOD CRAZY?! WHAT KIND OF RIDICULOUS BULLSHIT WAS HE TRYING TO FEED ME?

I finally got a grip around the middle of this past December. I don't know why, but a straw broke my back and I in turn broke free from my broken lifestyle and broken relationship.

It hurt intensely for about a week. And then?

I haven't looked back. I haven't let my memories break me. Honestly, they're starting to fade, and rather than panic and relive them in my head, I'm just letting them. I'll never forget PC, and I'll always love him, but I don't feel compelled to deal with the painful close clarity of the memories. It's unnecessary. It's unhelpful.

He defined me entirely too much. Looking back, that fact has filled me with an indignant resentment. But lately, the resentment is distant; it's shadowy, easily put out by the light of my life now.

Because in just one short year, God has shown me that He is not a liar. In fact, he has shown me his divine ability to remain faithful even when we are faithless.

I've spent the past year living 90% for myself. I've made selfish, immoral, dangerous, short-sighted, tragic decisions. I haven't prayed enough. I haven't read the Bible enough. I haven't been a good representation of a Christian at all.

But for some reason, God has decided to show me what He and His promises are made of.

All I've lost will come again?

Thankfully, that is not quite the case. Instead, God has given me immeasurably more than anything I've ever had before.

I've JUST started dating Gem, so it's way too early to be feeling or knowing much, but guuuuuuuuys. This boy. Life is so not all about boys or dating, and God certainly isn't, and normally I'm not either, so it's very unexpected and unprecedented that God has decided to reveal His "all you've lost will come again" promise with such a direct, parallel shift:  when I finally relinquished PC, I could see Gem.

I don't know why Gem waited for me for three years. I cannot wrap my mind around why he wants to date me now. He is so out of my league.

I don't know what God has planned for me and Gem. Maybe we'll date over the whole summer; maybe we'll decide being friends is better for us; maybe we'll last for a long time. All I know is that when I finally stopped fighting God tooth and nail for MY plan with PC, God opened up floodgates of amazing, amazing things.

There is more joy in the world than I thought possible. And right now it feels like God is trying to hand every last bit of it to me :)

That song! "In My Arms" came true! When I posted it, I didn't know how it could be true, I just knew that God was calling me to trust it blindly. Eventually, I submitted to God's plan, and oh my gosh, a year later, I sit here and wonder how I was so blind for so long.

How could I have doubted God? I really hope I get better at not doing that XD

~Stephanie

Soundtrack

You know I get stuck on small playlists. Here's what's been on repeat lately:
~~~~~~~~~~
1. "Odd One" - Sick Puppies {Thanks to James}

2. "Yesterday" - The Beatles {Thanks to Daddy}

3. "Wicked Game" - Stone Sour {Thanks to Spotify}

4. "Can't Remember to Forget You" - Shakira and Rihanna{I know, I know} {Thanks to society}

5. "Sit Down by the Fire" - The Veils {Thanks to Gem}
~~~~~~~~~~
I especially recommend "Odd One" and "Wicked Game" :) James showed me the former along with the comment "This reminds me exactly of you. Please don't be offended."

I listened. And I was flattered.

~Stephanie

A Paradigm Shift?

Last year it was Night Visions by Imagine Dragons. The year before was Ceremonials by Florence + the Machine. The year before that was Dead by April's self-titled album. This year? I'm struggling.

In the next few days, I need to buy my annual new album with the iTunes money I got over Christmas. This album will color my first few weeks of my spring sophomore year. It will affect what I write and how I write. It will give a different taste to whatever books I read. It will set the mood for the new year.

This is a big decision. I have to choose carefully. Something different enough that I don't get bored; something likable enough that I don't regret the purchase; something sad enough to draw me out; something powerful enough not to drag me down; something deep enough to touch my soul; something shallow enough to excite me.

This is the first year I've intentionally sought out an album. Night Visions, Ceremonials, and Dead by April just kind of happened. I probably should have done the same thing this year, it's just that I actually don't know what to buy. Korn's newest album, The Paradigm Shift, is the album I've been waiting to buy, but I'm not sure if that's the album I want defining my new year.

Although I dunno, maybe it is XD

Huh. Maybe it is.

OneRepublic's Native is also in my sights, but their songs all tend to sound the same.

Do y'all do anything like this? Do you seek out albums to start off your new year?

If you've found an album recently that you love, I'm very open to suggestions!

~Stephanie

Lately I've Been..

...listening to these two songs on repeat. I can't put my finger on why, but they seem to go together.




~Stephanie

a september eighteenth evening

the playlist that blew me away...

Demons ~ Imagine Dragons
Reel 1 (Diary) ~ Angels & Airwaves
The River Flows in You ~ Yiruma
Cemeteries of London ~ Coldplay
Castle of Glass ~ Linkin Park
Eyes Be Closed ~ Washed Out
Amsterdam ~ Imagine Dragons
Reel 6 ~ Angels & Airwaves
Breathe Me ~ Sia
The Little Things Give You Away ~ Linkin Park
Speed of Sound ~ Coldplay
Take a Picture ~ Filter
Dig ~ Incubus
Reel 5 (New Blood) ~ Angels & Airwaves
In Between ~ Linkin Park

it was a good night, y'all.

~Stephanie

Reel 1

Day Nine: A moment in your day



~Stephanie

In My Arms

Don't look down, don't look back; I am beside you
Close your eyes, know I'm here.
I know it's hard, to let go all that defines you.
You feel like you'll never be whole again.

We will find a way to erase the past
Stay with me, stay with me!

In my arms you'll be fine. I'll never let go.
All you've lost will come again
Just stay here with me
Never look back, never again. It's over.
Everything ends here in my arms.

Don't give in, don't let your, memories break you.
Let me take you away from here.

We will find a way to make this last
Stay with me, stay with me!

In my arms you'll be fine. I'll never let go.
All you've lost will come again.
Just stay here with me
Never look back, never again. It's over.
Everything ends here in my arms.

~Stephanie

Is Yesterday Still a Friend?

When I was younger, I used to be really arrogant. {*irony meter explodes*} I loved to hear poems or songs or stories and dismiss them as "stupid" because they didn't speak to me. I thought that I was so much wiser beyond my years, and if there was anything to be gathered from a work, I'd be able to gather it--at age twelve.

Daddy and I talked about these things a lot. He was never rude or judgmental and he never mocked or laughed at me. He would listen to my conceited little tirades about love and life and then suggest that I might come to understand the song better as I experienced life.

My dad's profound strength in humility always caught me a little off guard, and made me at least give lip service to the fact that maybe I didn't know everything.

At nineteen, I know more than I did at twelve. However, I'm also acutely aware that I don't know what I'm doing half the time, and the other half I'm quite possibly wrong anyway.

I like to think {and I hope I'm right} that this admission of ignorance has made me less judgmental and more open to new understanding. Now, when I encounter a song, poem, or story that doesn't speak to me, I try not to write it off. I consider it from many angles, play with potential double meanings and puns, try to apply it to different scenarios, and look for symbolism.

My most exciting recent revelation deals with a line from one of my favorite Shinedown songs:

"Now that you've lost tomorrow, is yesterday still a friend?"

I tried to make sense of that line for a long time last summer, and came to the conscious decision that I had not yet experienced that phenomenon. The words made sense, but the essence of the concept was lost on me. I decided to continue to love and listen to the song, hoping that someday I would understand what it meant.

I think I finally do.

We live our lives towards a future. Sure, we all have those nights when we decide to live in the moment and make a poor decision {and by that I mean eating that third chocolate bar, of course}, but overall we are goal-oriented people. The way we live our lives today reflect what we're ultimately striving for.

This might mean making good grades...so that you can get into a good college/get a degree.
This might mean investing in a relationship...so that you can spend your lives together.
This might mean saving up your money...so that you can travel over the summer.

More or less every decision is made with "tomorrow" in mind.

But what if you were suddenly disillusioned? What if you suddenly discovered a truth that undermined your future?

What if you realized you had read the wrong chapter in your biology book?
What if you realized your special someone had been lying to you?
What if you misplaced your money?

This new knowledge means that you have lost the "tomorrow" you were striving for.

Knowing what you know today about tomorrow, would you have acted differently yesterday?

Would you have checked the syllabus again?
Would you have demanded answers sooner?
Would you have taken your money directly to the bank?

Now that you've lost tomorrow, is yesterday still a friend?

It's a beautiful, sad question, one that I finally understand. I'm oddly proud to be able to say that. I'm thankful to my daddy for teaching me how to listen to things I might not understand, so that I can be prepared to understand them when I'm ready.

~Stephanie

My Life in Songs

Childhood

Something Beautiful ~ Childhood/fire fairies

            “It’s a voice that whispers my name.  It’s a kiss without any shame.  Like a song that turns in my head, singing love will take us where something’s beautiful.”

2010

Such Great Heights ~ Us. March 2010.

            “I have to speculate that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces.”

Naturally ~ We’re perfect for each other. March 2010.

            “I love the way you know who you are, and to me it’s exciting.”

The Best Thing ~ Us. April 2010.

            “This is the best thing that could be happening, and I think you would agree the best thing is that it’s happening to you and me.”

Come Right Out and Say It ~ Us. July 2010.

            “Why don’t you come right out and say it?  Even if the words are probably going to hurt, I’d rather have the truth than something insincere.”

The Crow and the Butterfly ~ What? Do you want me or not? I’m not waiting forever. July 2010.

            “When you and I were getting high as outer space, I never thought you’d slip away.  I guess I was just a little too late.”

Get Back ~ I miss the way we were, and it kind of makes me angry. July-August 2010.

            “Hold me like you mean it, like you miss me, ‘cause I know that you do.”

Jar of Hearts ~ Broken heart. July-August 2010.

            “Who do you think you are, running around leaving scars?  Don’t come back for me.  Who do you think you are?”

Devastation and Reform ~ Wow. I guess I’ll always be a vulnerable dumbass. August 2010.

            “I feel like I was born for devastation and reform.  I destroy everything I love and the worst part is I’ll pull my heart out, reconstruct, but in the end it’s nothing but a shell of what I had when I first started.”

It’s Killing Me ~ I’m afraid one of my best friends is destroying himself. August 2010.

            “I want you to know that it’s killing me.  I think I’ve got to let go ’cause it’s killing me.  You’re gonna do what you want, but you better please believe it’s killing me.”

Easier to Run ~ My problem is pretty much crushing. Fall 2010.

            “If I could change, I would; take up the pain, I would; retrace every wrong move that I made, I would; if I could stand up and take the blame, I would; I would take all my shame to the grave.  It’s easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb.  It’s so much easier to go than face all this pain here all alone.”

Somebody that I Used to Know ~ It’s hard to believe we were once so close. October 2010.

            “You didn’t have to cut me off, make it like it never happened and that we were nothing.”

What I’ve Done ~ I have to face my problem and get over it. Winter 2010.

            “I’ll face myself to cross out what I’ve become.  Erase myself, and let go of what I’ve done.”

Undo ~ Good God. How have I become this? There’s no way I can overcome it. December 2010.

            “You’re the only one who can undo what I’ve become.”

For the Moment I Feel Faint ~ God can handle this, even when I can’t. December 2010.

            “Never underestimate my Jesus. You’re telling me that there’s no hope?  I’m telling you you’re wrong.”

What Have You Been Doing Lately? ~ Friends change, and sometimes it sucks. Winter 2010.

            “Pardon me while I throw up.  I guess some people never grow up.  What happened to the salvation you claimed?  It breaks my heart to see how much you’ve changed.”

2011

The Lonely ~ I am okay. But there’s still a hole in my heart. January-March 2011.

            “Can the Lonely take the place of you?”

Hallelujah ~ Love is interesting. February 2011.

            “Love is not a victory march; it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.”

Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been ~ I’m pulling it together and I am not going back. Early 2011.

            “I’m sorry it took so long for me to change.”

Snuff ~ I’m trying not to be bitter, because I really do—or at least did—love him. March 2011.

            “Love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage.  So if you love me let me go, and run away before I know.  My heart is just too dark to care.  I can’t destroy what isn’t there.  If I can change I hope I never know.  So save your breath, I will not care.  I think I’ve made it very clear.  I only wish you weren’t my friend; then I could hurt you in the end.”

Up and Up ~ I’ve got this. I can be happy, successful, and engaging again. Spring 2011.

            “I’m on the up and up,  there’s nothing left to prove.  I’m just trying to be a better version of me for you.”

The One I’m Waiting For ~ He wants me back, huh? Sucks for him XD May 2011.

            “The way that girl can turn a head, she is such a threat but don’t ever forget:  she knows it.  She’s so confident that she’s what everybody wants, but nobody wants her to know that.”

Wouldn’t Change a Thing ~ How come he’s the only one I’ve ever felt that way about? August 2011.

            “We’re like fire and rain.  You can drive me insane, but I can’t stay mad at you for anything.”

Dance with the Devil ~ I know him better than he realizes. October 2011.

            “It’s easy to find what’s wrong, harder to find what’s right.  I believe in you.  I can show you that I can see right through all your empty lies.”

Paradise ~ I don’t think I’m going to get into Wake Forest after all. November 2011.

            “When she was just a girl, she expected the world, but it flew away from her reach, so she ran away and asleep she dreams of paradise.”

2012

No Light, No Light ~ I love him so much, but I don’t want to be with him that way. I am sorry. December 2011-January 2012.

            “You can’t choose what stays and what fades away, and I’d do anything to make you stay.  You want a revelation, you want to get back, but that’s a conversation I just can’t have tonight.  You want a revelation, some kind of resolution.  Tell me what you want me to say.  ’Cause it’s so easy to say it to a crowd, but it’s so hard to say it to you alone.”

How to Save a Life ~ I’d do just about anything for him, you know. March 2012.

            “I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life.”

What Hurts the Most ~ I miss Ellie. March 2012.

            “What hurts the most is being so close, and having so much to say, and watching you walk away.”

Numb ~ God and I just no longer understand each other. Spring 2012.

            “I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there.”

Breaking Inside ~ College, dating, going to Italy. It’s too much. April 2012.

            “It feels like I’m breaking inside.  I don’t want to fall and say I lost it all, ’cause maybe there’s a part of me that hit the wall, leaving pieces of me behind.”

Dismantle. Repair. ~ Italy, thinking about Sam. April 2012.

            “The night was young, and so were we.  We talked about life, God, death, and your family.  You didn’t want any promises, just my undivided honesty.  And you said ‘Things are gonna change now for the better.’ ”

It’s Not a Fashion Statement, It’s a Death Wish ~ There’s more to everything than I thought. June 2012.

            “Remember back then when we met, you told me this gets harder?  Well, it did.”

I’m Not Okay ~ I feel crazy and desperate and depressed. June 2012.

            “I never want to let you down or have you go.  It’s better off this way.  I’m not okay.”

Chasing Cars ~ I miss him so much. All I want to do is be in the same room as he is. August-September 2012.

            “If I lie here, would you lay with me and just forget the world?”

Must Have Done Something Right ~ The song says it all. Every word. November 2012.

            “We should get jerseys ‘cause we make a good team.  I know that it’s so cliché to talk about you this way, but I’ll put all my inhibitions aside.  Everyone watching us just turns away with disgust ‘cause jealously they can see that we’ve got it going on.”

Ask Yourself

"Ask yourself:  Now where would you be without days like this?"

I have that quote from Shinedown's "Amaryllis" written in cool lettering and duct taped to my dorm room wall.  It's the first thing I see when I wake up, right next to some pictures of my family.  I glance over to it inadvertently all throughout the day.  Every time I see it, I ask myself.  Where would I be without days like this?

Sometimes I'll be having a wonderful day.  School work will be flying by, the sun is shining, I feel loved, and a visit home is in sight.  Without days like that, it would be difficult to stay positive.  Without days like that, I might lose confidence in myself.  Without days like that, the bad days would be worse.

Sometimes I'll be having an unlucky day.  My alarm didn't go off, my toothbrush fell on the floor, and my pencil broke.  Without days like that, I wouldn't be able to appreciate the good days.  Without days like that, I'd be a spoiled, maladjusted person.  Without days like that, I'd have no quirky things to write about.

Sometimes I'll be having a tragically sad day.  A friend stood me up for dinner, I feel like I'm pestering Sam and Cassidy, and I found out I can't go home when I expected to.  Without days like that, I wouldn't know how to handle the bad days in life.  Without days like that, I wouldn't be able to grow as a person.  Without days like that, I wouldn't have written countless really-good-but-excruciatingly-depressing pieces.

Sometimes, it's just a day. It's pretty boring, a little irritating, but mostly alright.  Without days like that, life would be a series of catastrophes and emotional rollercoasters.  Without days like that, I'd be exhausted and beg for a break.  Without days like that, I'd never get any school work done.

Every day has a point.  There is a reason for every single day.  God doesn't just toss the dice and deal out circumstances for absolutely no reason.  Days like this, days like that, they all have a purpose.  See what you can learn from them.  Find the constructive.

Ask yourself:  Now where would you be without days like THIS?

~Stephanie

Speed of Sound

Thanks for following, Maroonaqua!

"If you could see it, then you'd understand."

How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before I know what it feels like?
Where To, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?

Look up, I look up at night,
Planets are moving at the speed of light.
Climb up, up in the trees,
every chance that you get,
is a chance you seize.
How long am I gonna stand,
with my head stuck under the sand?
I'll start before I can stop,
before I see things the right way up.

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand?

Ideas that you'll never find,
All the inventors could never design.
The buildings that you put up,
Japan and China all lit up.
The sign that I couldn't read,
or a light that I couldn't see,
some things you have to believe,
but others are puzzles, puzzling me.

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah when you see it then you'll understand?

All those signs, I knew what they meant.
Some things you can invent.
Some get made, and some get sent.
Birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah, when you see it then you'll understand?

{Coldplay}

~Stephanie

The Unwinding Cable Car

"Don't you believe that you've been deceived, that you're no better than the hair in your eyes. It never disguised what you're really thinking of."

Emotive, unstable you're like an unwinding cable car
Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are
Go your own way, even seasons have changed just burn those new leaves over
So self-absorbed you've seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about

This is the correlation of salvation and love
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la
La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la

Backing away from the problem of pain you never had a home
You've been misguided, you're hiding in shadows for so very long
Don't you believe that you've been deceived that you're no better than...
The hair in your eyes, it never disguised what you're really thinking of

This is the correlation of salvation and love
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

This is the correlation of salvation and love
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart
You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart
You're so brilliant (This is the correlation)
Don't soon forget (Between salvation and love, don't drop your arms)
You're so brilliant (I'll guard your heart)
Grace marked your heart (With quiet words I'll lead you in and out of the dark)

This is the correlation of salvation and love (La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart (La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)
With quiet words I'll lead you in

{Anberlin}

~Stephanie

The Crow and the Butterfly

"Your lullabies won't let me sleep. I've never heard such a haunting melody. It's killing me. You know I can barely breathe."

I painted your room at
Midnight, so I'd know
Yesterday was over
I put all your books on the top shelf,
Even the one with the four leaf clover
Man, I'm getting older
I took all your pictures off the wall
and wrapped them in a news paper blanket
I haven't slept in what seems like a century,
and now I can barely breathe.

Just like a crow chasing the butterfly
dandelions lost in the summer sky
When you and I were getting high as outer space,
I never thought you'd slip away
I guess I was just a little too late

Your words still serenade me,
Your lullabies won't let me sleep
I've never heard such a haunting melody.
Oh, it's killing me
You know I can barely breathe

Just like a crow chasing the butterfly
dandelions lost in the summer sky
When you and I were getting high as outer space,
I never thought you'd slip away
I guess I was just a little too late

Just like a crow chasing the butterfly
dandelions lost in the summer sky
When you and I were getting high as outer space,
I never thought you'd slip away -

Like a crow chasing the Butterfly
dandelions lost in the summer sky
When you and I were getting high as outer space,
I never thought you'd slip away
I guess I was just a little too late

Just a little too late

{Shinedown}

~Stephanie

Breaking Inside

"I don't wanna fall and say I lost it all, 'cause maybe there's a part of me that hit the wall, leaving pieces of me behind. And I feel like I'm breaking inside."

I caught a chill and it's still frozen on my skin.
I think about why I'm alone, by myself, no one else to explain.
How far do I go? No one knows.
If the end is so much better why don't we just live forever?

Don't tell me I'm the last one in line.
Don't tell me I'm too late this time.

I don't wanna live to waste another day
Underneath the shadow of mistakes I've made
'Cause I feel like I'm breaking inside

I don't wanna fall and say I lost it all
'Cause maybe there's a part of me that hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind.
And I feel like I'm breaking inside.

Out here nothing's clear
Except the moment I decided to move on and I ignited.
Disappear into the fear.
You know there ain't no coming back when you're still carrying the past.

You can't erase, separate.
Cigarette in my hand, hope you all understand:
I won't be the last one in line
I finally figured out what's mine.

I don't wanna live to waste another day
Underneath the shadow of mistakes I've made
'Cause I feel like I'm breaking inside

I don't wanna fall and say I lost it all
'Cause maybe there's a part of me that hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind, leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like I'm breaking inside

I won't be the last one in line.
I finally figured out what's mine.

I don't wanna live to waste another day
Underneath the shadow of mistakes I've made
'Cause I feel like I'm breaking inside

I don't wanna fall and say I lost it all
'Cause maybe there's a part of me that hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind, leaving pieces of me behind.
And I feel like I'm breaking inside.

And I feel like I'm breaking
And I feel like I'm breaking inside.

{Shinedown}

~Stephanie

Talk

"Brother, I can't believe it's true. I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you."

This song always makes me think of Aaron :)

Oh brother I can't. I can't get through.
I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do.
Oh brother I can't believe it's true.
I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you.
Oh I wanna talk to you
You can take a picture of something you see.
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun,
Or write a song nobody has sung,
Or do something that's never been done.

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well, I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me.

So you take a picture of something you see.
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun,
Or a write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done,
Do something that's never been done.

So you don't know were you're going, and you wanna talk.
And you feel like you're going where you've been before.
You tell anyone who'll listen, but you feel ignored.
Nothing's really making any sense at all.
Let's talk.

Let's talk.

{Coldplay}

~Stephanie

Reclusion

"My mask is growing heavy, but I've forgotten who's beneath."

There's someone inside me that softly kills everyone around
They don't know they're dead to me cause intent never makes a sound
All along they found I strangled lovers who've learned from slower hands
With these eleven minutes I could teach you what I am

You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide
You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide

There's an art in seclusion. Production in depression
If a stranger turns up missing, this song is my confession
Tell the tales of the trail of dead, lovers learn from slower hands
Losing self in myself, inner demons make demands

You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide
You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide

You're suffocating me, so very hard to breathe
My mask is growing heavy but I've forgotten who's beneath

You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide
You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide

{Anberlin}

~Stephanie

Through the Ghost

"Did you hide yourself away? I can't see you anymore. Did you eclipse another day? I used to wake up to the color of your soul."

Speak of the devil
Look who just walked into the room
The guilt-invaded
Notion of someone I once knew

All the perfects moments are wrong
All the precious pieces are gone
Everything that mattered is just
A city of dust
Covering both of us

Did you hide yourself away?
I can't see you anymore
Did you eclipse another day?
I used to wake up to the colour of your soul

Did you hide yourself away?
Are you leaving through the ghost?
Did you finally find a place
Above the shadows so the world will never know?
The world will never know you like I do

So many silent sorrows
You never hear from again
And now that you've lost tomorrow
Is yesterday still a friend?

All the bridges we built were burned
Not a single lesson was learned
Everything that mattered is just
A city of dust
Covering both of us

Did you hide yourself away?
I can't see you anymore
Did you eclipse another day?
I used to wake up to the colour of your soul

Did you hide yourself away?
Are you leaving through the ghost?
Did you finally find a place
Above the shadows so the world will never know?
The world will never know you like I do

Like I still do

Did you hide yourself away?
I can't see you anymore
Did you eclipse another day?
I used to wake up to the colour of your soul

Did you hide yourself away?
Are you leaving through the ghost?
Did you finally find a place
Above the shadows so the world will never know?
The world will never know you...

{Shinedown}

~Stephanie

Paradise

"When she was just a girl she expected the world, but it flew away from her reach and the bullets catch in her teeth."

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
So she ran away in her sleep
Dreamed of para- para- paradise
Paradise
Paradise
Every time she closed her eyes

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth

Life goes on
It gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear, a waterfall
In the night, the stormy night
She closed her eyes
In the night, the stormy night
Away she'd fly.

And dreamed of para- para- paradise
Paradise
Paradise

So lying underneath those stormy skies.
She said oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
I know the sun must set to rise.

This could be paradise
Paradise
Could be paradise

{Coldplay}

~Stephanie