Not Jumping Out a Third-Story Window

Most of you who know me would agree with the following:

Most of the time, I don't work very hard at school.

That doesn't mean I don't get good grades. I happen to be one of those really annoying people who get A's on stuff they did in three days. Here's the difference:

I work harder in those three days than other people do in entire weeks. And I'm miserable.

And I'm in the middle of one of those three-day periods right now, except this time I've somehow painted myself into this hellish corner where it's going to be like a WEEK AND A HALF of brutal school work as opposed to a few days.

Since last Friday, I have not watched one. single. episode. of Breaking Bad. That's how serious I am.

What happened is a series of unfortunate events.

First, for some ungodly reason, I signed up for a group presentation, a solo presentation, and another solo presentation that are all to be given within the same week.

Second, snow days happened, and some professors are assholes.

Third, in the same ten-day period as the aforementioned presentations, I have three tests and a midterm paper.

Fourth, I'm an English major now {it's official! :D}, so tons of reading is always, always, always on my plate, and not in the kind of classes that can be satisfied with SparkNotes. Oh no. These professors expect a whole freaking lot more than that. {I'm not really complaining about this one; I respect it, it just makes this ten-day period kind of like scraping your forehead against a cheese-grater while having your nose hairs plucked out with red-hot tweezers and trying to get the people at McDonald's to get your order right.}

But honestly, y'all, I HAVE been working hard, and even though I'm not sleeping well and have several budding stress ulcers, there's a perverse satisfaction that comes with cramming school work into every waking minute and still managing not to shoot yourself.

Because you know you're going to do just fine in the end.

At least, that's what you have to keep telling yourself.

~Stephanie

Graduation

Thanks for following, Lisa and Jessie!

Today, I graduate high school. Today is the official end of an era and the theoretical beginning of a new one.

My classes have been finished for over a month now, so the ceremony feels a little disconnected from my actual high school career. All the same, it's a big milestone, and something to add to my list of "Noteworthy Personal Events" in my Twenty-Twelve journal.

{You have my permission to laugh.}

I'd feel a lot better about graduating if I had solid college plans for the fall though XD I tell you, I never imagine myself in a position like this. Absolutely not. All my life I assumed I would apply to Wake Forest, get accepted, and go. No gap year. No community college. Nothing but a smooth transition to Wake Forest in the fall of 2012.

Well, that's not gonna happen XD I just have to believe that it's not happening for a reason. Hopefully I'll see that reason sooner rather than later.

But ANYWAY, happy graduation to me and a lot of my friends! I still haven't gotten any of your presents {except for Sam's} and when I do they will probably be lame because I suck at gifts!

Yeah. I'm gonna...go...now.

~Stephanie

Troll Face Week: Math

~Stephanie

I'll Tell You What's Up

"...her heart in turmoil torn." ~ The Odyssey

{WARNING: This is a highly emotional and volatile post. I did no editing. I just let it flow. And it ended up a bit more...well, a bit MORE than I originally intended. So. Be ye warned.}

I've been feeling...weird lately. I was going to say "terrible," but that seems a little extreme.

It mostly hits on Sundays. At church. During the week, I feel like I want to get closer to God. I read my Bible, and pray, and usually God and I have a pretty good time. But then Sunday rolls around, and my pastor tells us to "close our eyes and let God lay someone on your heart whom you could mentor."

And I squeeze my eyes shut and hear/see/feel/get no one. Just a blank mind filled with those red and teal swirls and sparks that happen when you close your eyes too hard. But nothing particularly God-sent.

This did not used to be a problem for me. I used to wonder what the big deal was about hearing God, because I literally heard him whenever I felt like it. If I didn't know what to do, I'd pray, listen, and God would actually put the thought in my mind. It was awesome. And easy.

But lately, it's neither. My mind is a hollow, empty void surrounded by a steal wall. Apparently I'm not letting God in anymore.

So now my closeness issues aren't just keeping me from deep friendships, they're blocking me from GOD?

Ugh.

Then there's school stress. I don't even mean getting into college. I don't even mean financial aid. I don't even mean senioritis. I meant that every week I have one, or two, or fifteen projects due. It is terrible. I've started being really half-assed about stuff, which isn't usually how I operate.

And dealing with my friends is also hard. "A" doesn't talk to me anymore. "B" wants to date one of my friends who is not interested and uses me as a middle-girl. I bug "C" all the time and so am afraid of ruining that friendship. "D" is just one of those people who complicates things. "E" is getting MARRIED. "F" is still in love with me {it has been five years. The answer is still no.}. Etc. Etc. ETC.

And whenever I try or even THINK about trying to talk about these things...I immediately feel like an attention-whore.

Nothing is wrong! I swear! I'm fine. I really, honestly am FINE. There's nothing wrong with me or my life. But for some reason, my brain doesn't GET that. It makes problems anyway. It flips itself into overdrive and mulls things over until I feel miserable.

I can't talk about this stuff because I'm doing it all to myself. I don't NEED help, therefore I don't DESERVE help. For me to want to talk about things is selfish and stupid and petty and unnecessary and attention-whoring. Even writing this BLOG POST feels utterly abhorrent and wrong.

It's also winter, which I hate. Although we did just get some snow, which I love. It was beautiful. And is supposed to melt today :'(

Somehow this all seems to culminate on Sundays though. When I'm sitting in church, you know, NOT hearing God, and suddenly I feel so lost and sick and dizzy that I just want to sit down. Or go sleep forever. Or throw up.

I don't know what God is saying to me. I don't know how to deal with my friends. I don't know what friends God likes and which ones he hates. I don't know which friends I should keep and which ones I should move on from. I don't know when to let go or pull closer and I DEFINITELY don't know when or how to open up.

So I just end up mouthing the words to the songs, clapping without making a noise, smiling without using my eyes. I end up trying not to vomit on the front row, and wishing I could connect with the pastor's sermon.

I end up feeling like I should leave the room, or the building, or the city because I don't belong where I am. I feel like a fake, a fraud, a hypocrite. I feel like being in church is wrong. Not because I don't believe, but because my mind is so riveted on other things. I feel like I should sort myself out before I come to God. I can't even give him the space in my head he deserves because it's crammed with other stuff.

I know I need to MAKE room for God. I know that's how it works; I've heard that all my life. But how do I make room for God when I don't know how to push other things out of the way?

Yes, I know I'm eighteen, and a senior, and that this will all blow over. I know you who are older probably felt the same way. I know I'm supposed to feel this way to a certain extent. I know it's not really as big a deal as it seems. I know in three years, this will seem silly and I'll laugh it off. But guess what?

BUT IT'S NOT THREE YEARS FROM NOW. IT'S RIGHT NOW. IT'S RIGHT NOW, AND HOW I FEEL F***ING SUCKS. I AM MISERABLE, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT IT'S BECAUSE I'M EIGHTEEN.

If this whole post didn't do it, I know that paragraph probably made me sound like a completely bitch. I really am sorry. You guys are awesome and shouldn't have to put up with this.

But guess what? I didn't make this blog for you. I made this blog for ME. I made it so that I wouldn't have to worry about saying the wrong thing. I made it so that when I feel like shit, I can say so. So, hey, guess what again?

I feel like shit.

~Stephanie

Staying Creative: Practicing and Allowing Myself...

to make mistakes. Of course, that's such a challenge since I don't make mistakes...

HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Today was wholly a mistake. Here's a graphic of what I got done today:

Interpretation: "Next to nothing."

Yeah. Today I should have done two math lessons, some theology, worked on debate, read a book of "The Iliad," and probably a little Spanish would have been good.

What I Actually Did Today: sent out invitations for a party I'm having soon, went out to lunch, went to the grocery store, messaged Jesse about doing a collaborative story, wrote some story, and lurked around on Facebook.

So basically, today was ONE BIG FRIGGIN' MISTAKE.

BLUGH. Tomorrow is gonna be Hell. If I were smart, I'd go do some school work really quick NOW so that it wouldn't be.

Actually no, if I were WISE I would do that. I AM smart. I'm not denying it.

But unfortunately I'm not wise. Notttt wise at all.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to Go Somewhere New. I've actually had where I want to go planned out for weeks: there's a path in the new part of my neighborhood that looks really pretty and storybookish. I'd like to go there.

But if I'm in Hell, it could be a long walk, so...we'll see. *sighhhhh* I'm such a moron, guys. I really am.

~Stephanie

One of Those Weekends

This post is very long, guys, but reading over it, I think it's borderline hilarious. If you didn't have to actually live it, that is.

Do you ever have one of THOSE days? The day that just relentlessly sucks? Well, this has been one of those WEEKENDS.

It really started earlier this week when I started making plans for Friday night. The plan's base was embarrassingly weak to begin with and, until this moment, a secret:

I have a really awesome outfit. It's a draping, black, open back top with a bright blue glitter tiger on it. And it came from Spain. A couple of weeks ago, I found blue skinny jeans that are the EXACT same color as the glitter tiger. Then I found blue nail polish, which when paired with silver crackle, looks freaking amazing with the tiger outfit.

Unfortunately, it is already October, and there will not be many more opportunities to wear this thing of beauty. Ergo, make night plans and make them soon.

Yeahh, the reason behind the plan should have been a red flag at the beginning.

But, at the beginning of the week, this weekend looked promising. My parents would both be out of town {WOOT!}, Cassidy would take me to my Friday night dance class, and from there we would meet up with everyone at about 9 o'clock and see a movie.

But when I started checking movies and times, I quickly noticed something: there's nothing good playing. The only thing that looked remotely worth seeing was The Debt, but it was rated R, and while *I* can get in to those movies {psh, nbd...}, some of the people going cannot, and it would suck to have our party randomly split up.

So, movie is out. Dang. Plan B:

Chill at the mall. Rather unexciting, but hey, with a bunch of people it could be interesting.

Then on Thursday I get this text from Cassidy:

"Hey, I can't do Friday night. Sorry!"

...

So, okay. That screws things up in several different ways:

#1: I now have no ride to dance.

#2: Three of my friends depending on Cassidy now have no way to come hang out.

#3: I really like Cassidy.

#4: I have no way HOME from dance even if I could get there.

I texted Cass back and asked if she could at least get me TO dance. She said she could. YAY! So now I'm just stranded at dance...

But Kirsten! If I ask Kirsten to spend the night with me, then she can get me from dance, which is like five minutes from the mall, at 8:45 and we can go to the mall with everyone, and then she can just bring me home 'cause she's spending the night. Brilliant! I ask her.

SHE CAN! YAY!

So Cassidy will drive me to dance, Kirsten will pick me up, we'll go hang out with everyone at the mall, and then we'll come home and sleep. Perfect.

Then I find out my mom is coming home Friday night after all, just late. So dang. That means I have to actually ask her if Kirsten can spend the night. So I do. She says yes, CONDITIONALLY:

I have to do all of my weekly cleaning chores on Friday before Kirsten comes instead of on Saturday, when I normally clean. *sigh* Fine.

Except that since we went to the fair on Thursday, Friday is already going to be absolute HELL, because I have two days of school to do in one. And now I also have a full day of cleaning too. Urgh. But, I can do it. I can make this happen. For the sake of fun, freedom and blue glitter tiger shirts.

So, Friday. I'm going CRAZY trying to get things done. I've made a list with estimated times, and it looks like I can get everything done, but I will be literally down to the SECOND.

I'm just starting to get things going when Emma texts me:

"Hey! Do you wanna go to the fair Saturday?"

HECK YES! I'd love to go again! And with FRIENDS this time!

Me: "Sure! I was actually thinking about going again with friends! But I wouldn't wanna crash your family thing with a bunch of people."

Emma: "Oh no, it's fine! My sister's bringing friends anyway."

:D Sweet! I tell her I'll go and I start texting people. Haley, Brianna, Kirsten, David, Live, Daniel, Sam, Karlye, Susanna. Hope they can come! Now back to the issue at hand: school.

I've been behind in math for two weeks, and for GOD KNOWS WHY, I told my teacher I'd be all caught up by next week. I now have 6 lessons to do in 3 days. Literally impossible for me. Like, it seriously CANNOT be done. I suck at math.

Then I get a text from Sam:

"You do realize the mall closes at 9, right?"

-_______- No. No, I did not. So no mall tonight.

Plan C: Hang out in the Target-Starbucks-Books-A-Million shopping center. Fun stuff. But WHATEVER. With people, anything can be fun.

Although...wait...who's RSVP'd to the Friday night deal?

Me, obviously...

Kirsten, 'cause she's getting me from dance and spending the night.

Emma...Sam...

Um. That's...it. Well. Me, Kirsten, Emma and Sam. That will be...really interesting.

Then, at 12 o'clock, my dad comes and says, "Why aren't you getting ready?"

Me: "...what?"

Daddy: "We need to leave for Pat's funeral in an hour." {Pat is the wife of an old guy at our church.}

Me: "...WHAT? I'm GOING to that? WHYDIDN'TYOUTELLMETHISBEFOREIHADANHOUR?"

*jump in the shower, dress appropriately tragically, gather school books to do random bits in corners when no one is looking*

We leave at one. We get back at 3:15. Two hours and fifteen minutes gone. I am now completely behind schedule. Life is such a bitch.

I finally decide that math isn't all that important and go get started cleaning my room, which looks like an absolute BOMB WENT OFF. I also decide to check my phone. And I have two more glorious texts:

Jesi: "Hey! I'll be there tonight!"

Kirsten: "Hey, my mom said I have to pick between spending the night with you and the fair, so since I would get to hang out more tomorrow, I can't do tonight. Sorry!"

Me to Jesi: "Okay...great!"

Me to Kirsten: "That makes sense! See you tomorrow!"

Me to the world: "ARUGHEHGONWEOJGGHIOUBWE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Now I have another person joining the bandwagon of tonight's epic failure, but without Kirsten, I have no ride to go hang out, or get HOME! Cassidy is gonna bring me to dance, but then...I'm stranded.

Stranded.

Shiitake mushrooms, this sucks.

Banging my head on the table, I call off tonight's plans. Me, Emma, Jesi and Sam just does not sound like a bundle of fun. {Jesi = reserved and conservative, Emma = unwilling to accept wildness, Sam = unreserved wild child.}

So dash it all. No fun plans, no tiger shirt, and at this point, I'll be stranded alone in the city. GREAT.

I decide to text Cassidy and tell her never mind, don't even take me to dance.

I text her.

I get this text from my unbiological older brother:

"Sure! David and I would love to hangout tonight!"

Me: *steamfromears* Seriously? You couldn't have told me that an hour ago? Because he could have taken me places. I can bum rides off him. But I just canceled everything, so only Sam would show up. And if you know these boys, it's not really a wonderful idea to put them all together alone with me. It's just not. Things get territorial.

So, recap. I'm 2 hours and 15 minutes behind my already impossible schedule of school work and cleaning, I've had to cancel dance because otherwise I'll be stranded, I've had to cancel my fun plans because of the same, and I still don't even know if anyone can come with me to the fair tomorrow. Screw the world.

In one last effort, I ask Daniel if he and David will just come over and watch a movie with me tonight after dance. That way Cassidy CAN take me to dance, the boys can just get me on their way to my house and then we can chill.

Then I go back to cleaning my room.

Cassidy comes over, 'cause she just does.

My room is depressing and disastrous. Still haven't heard from Daniel.

5:35. We leave for dance at 6:15 if we're leaving...

5:45. Daniel texts me. He can pick me up. I can now go to dance and have a ride home. YES!

5:55. Oh. I should probably PUT THE FREAKING PIZZAS IN THE OVEN SO CASSIDY AND I CAN EAT.

6:15. Pizzas are ready. We eat.

6:30. Great. Late. But now on the way to dance.

6:55. Ten minutes late to dance, but I made it.

I spend the next two hours having a blast, despite the fact that I absolutely HATE this one chick in my class. Blurgh.

8:45: Daniel and David pick me up. I love them so much, guys. They're exactly what I needed.

We go home, and--OH. I forgot to tell you this: OUR DISHWASHER IS BROKEN. AND IT'S MY MONTH FOR THE DISHES. GOD. So I wash the day's worth of dishes while whining to my brothers. They laugh at me. Thanks guys.

Then we watch The Godfather, which is great.

I'm starting to get tired, but I don't wanna be left all alone after the kind of day I've had. I still have to get up early in the morning and clean because I didn't finish it all today and I'm going to the fair with Emma.

I tell the boys that even if I fall asleep they are obligated to stay with me until my mom gets home. They laugh at me. But they promise.

We start watching Ocean's Eleven. David bets that I will be out by 11:45.

11:43. I'm asleep :3

12:20. I wake up, totally disoriented. The boys have done the remainder of the dishes for me. AWWWWWWWWW :) Then we watch Whose Line is it Anyway? until my mom gets home.

The evening was amazing, the day SUCKED MAJOR FREAKING ASS, Y'ALL.

And then there was today...

Honestly, I don't wanna talk about it, and this post is long enough as it is. Stay tuned though. It's a real doozy.

~Stephanie

Senior Pictures

Today, I am having senior pictures made.

:D

I'm quite excited, but also stressed out. This happens once. ONCE. Today is the day that I must dress PERFECTlY, in a way that is flattering, self-expressive, and unembarrassing to my future self. I must be creative, yet tasteful. Unique, yet mature. Today, everything must go right because it is going to be a representation of me that will live on forever.

{And we should all know how much the concept of "forever" scares the piss out of me.}

And then there is the list of

Things I Cannot Do Today:

Have a pimple.

Allow myself to get pale.

Have a bad hair day.

Forget to brush my teeth.

Have dark circles from staying up too late.

Look fat.

Have allergies.

Happy seniors pictures day, yayyy...

o_o

~Stephanie

~{Wake Forest}~

Yesterday I met with the provost emeritus, Ed Wilson, of Wake Forest, which is the one and only college I have ever wanted to attend.

Basically, Dr. Wilson is one of the most important guys there, and if he likes me...well, that definitely won't HURT my chances of getting in. He's also my first cousin three times removed {which means he's three generations older than I am}, and I had met him with my family last year when I was junior. He seemed to think I was a good fit for the school :D

Last week my dad called him to say that we'd like to see him again, and Dr. Wilson seemed very happy and willing to meet with us. He also offered to PERSONALLY set up an interview with admissions for me {which actually didn't happen because all the admissions officers were at a conference XD} and he arranged for me to meet the dance director! :O

Basically, this guy is the absolute top dog of my #1 college, and he seems genuinely interested in me.

So yesterday, I got dressed in what seemed like appropriate attire for meeting the man who could single-handedly make or break my future, got in the van with my parents {we got to leave Sarah at home, hallelujah} and drove to Wake Forest.

I tried to memorize the way, but I royally suck at directions. As in, Cassidy and I get lost going to the movies on a routine basis.

As we approached, I started to get kind of fluttery and nervous. This was the first time I'd been to the campus while school was actually taking place. There were people, ACTUAL STUDENTS and POTENTIAL FUTURE CLASSMATES {not to mention hopefully a future significant other}, milling around.

I got the strangest feeling that I was NOT old enough to be there. You know? I mean, I'm seventeen, it's about time for me to get into college, but I feel so...young. I always thought I'd feel older than this when the time came, but I don't. I still feel like a wide-eyed seventh grader on occasion.

So anyway, we made our way to Dr. Wilson's office with no trouble and went in to see him.

Gosh, I just love this guy. I really do. He's the warmest, friendliest, most genuine and personable guy I have ever met. He just gives off this aura of being honestly interested in you as a person, and he makes a conscious effort to remember you. He always asks my dad about his job, and how the family is doing, and traces back our family history to remember exactly how we're related. He's just the most wonderful person I know.

And guess what?

I think he likes me. A lot.

I told him Wake Forest is my number one choice and why I want to go there:

"The educational philosophy matches mine exactly. I believe so much in getting a broad base of education so that you can do whatever you want in life! I think learning for the sake of learning is wonderful because it not only makes you a better person, but it better equips you to make the world a better place."

At least that's more or less what I said.

I also got to tell him about People to People {traveling this summer}. I told him about the purpose of the trip, and what it meant to me, and how my education had prepared me to fully embrace it, and how the trip itself was an education, and how the countries were different and what the people were like, and that I LOVED Italy the best, especially Assisi.

And GUESS. WHAT.

He's been to Italy.

And Assisi is his favorite too.

:O CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

So after that amazing conversation, he told me that he had arranged for me to meet the dance director, and actually sit in on a rehearsal!

The director was a really nice lady, and she and a student told me lots about the dance program, and even about some scholarships associated with it. Then I got to watch the rehearsal, which was really fun. I think I can do what they do.

I left the campus feeling empowered. I no longer felt like a wide-eyed eight grader playing Going to College. I felt like an actual seventeen-year-old girl ready to embrace the next chapter of her life. Leaving Wake Forest felt like leaving home and I cannot wait to go back.

~Stephanie

Check the Label

I was looking at the labels to my posts the other day, analyzing the trends. Here is what I have discovered:

I am not Sick much.

I talk about God twice as much as I am sick.

There have been three Holidays since I started blogging, and three holiday posts. Right on.

Although Writing is my life, I post about Pictures exactly four times more often than about Characters.

The label "Hott Guys" appears slightly more often than the label "Thinking." Hmm.

I have posted six times more about someone else's book than about my own.

But I was relieved to see that there are more Book posts than Movie posts.

The number of posts on Friends is nearly double the number on Family.

I have managed to refrain thus far from creating a "Brothers" label.

There is only one post concerning Work, School, or Shopping. Lawl. I'm lazy.

I talk about Books twice as often as I talk about Reading. How does that work exactly?

The second largest label is "Random."

And I talk about myself more than anything.

Sometimes, I wonder...

Yep. I just wonder. I guess I should slap this post with a Thinking label. Or a Label label.

You know what, I'm gonna label this post with everything >:D

~Stephanie

Stephanie's Suck-Fest

Hi. I was planning to post about the Virtue Chronicles some more. I need help with a character's name and I wanted to get your opinion. But I feel like hosting a pity party instead. You are invited, {but not obligated} to come.

My bad week started Wednesday, when school started. {Coincidence? I think not.}

I'm already behind in math. Whoopee! And I need to apply to college NOW. Like, right now. And I don't even have the SAT score to get in because of math. I got 31% of the SAT math. Shoot me.

There's no way in hell that I can do physics {just being realistic here}, which is technically okay because I have all the science credits I need to graduate, but it was discouraging to realize how much I suck.

Class in general just bored me. Blah.

Thursday, math went horribly again. Lesson 1 and I needed help with literally half the problems. Screw this. Screw myself. Screw math.

On Friday, my family got into some horrible mood where they blame all their problems on me and then give me the silent treatment when I react to them really badly. That doesn't actually bother me, except for the part where whenever I need a favor, I'm the devil.

Also on Friday, none of my friends could go to a movie. So I spent Friday night...on my couch--not talking to my family.

On Saturday I slept too late and was rushed trying to catch a different movie which I was being taken to by my mother who still wasn't really speaking to me. Fun stuff.

Then I had an actually good evening involving friends and ice cream, but then of course I had to get back in the car with my family, who suck, and go home, which sucks.

Yesterday was probably the BEST day of all. And by 'best' I mean 'worst'."

I woke up late.

I lost my shoes.

My makeup wouldn't look right.

My new dress makes me look fat.

My new shirt shows my bra.

My new jacket was too heavy to wear this time of year to cover up the previous two issues.

My family rushed me.

I dropped my breakfast on the floor.

I was made to clean the house, which I didn't do yesterday. {Which is really completely fair, but it still added to the suckishness of my day.}

My newest close friend ran away from home.

Yes. Yes, she did. Back to her mom, who's NOT a good...anything. Guardian, influence, friend, whatever. She's bad news. And I was really getting to be close to this girl. And JUST THE DAY BEFORE we hung out and had a great time and her Facebook status was even about how much fun she had. And now she's gone.

I feel like I lost two friends in the same week, which is really melodramatic, I guess. Ellie didn't LEAVE she just got ENGAGED.

*blood pressure rises*

Aw, shit. My mom just came down and was really nice to me and tried to help me feel better. And now I feel like a moron for being rude about her this whole post.

But she really has been a girl dog too, I swear.

*SIGH* Whatever.

This past week sucked. Let's hope today is an improvement.

Oh God. It's Monday.

There's just no hope, is there?

XD

~Stephanie