From What I Broke Free

Eminem and Rihanna came out with "The Monster" on October 29, 2013, about two weeks before I completely lost my integrity for a time.

You're trying to save me? Stop holding your breath.

And you think I'm crazy? Well, that's not fair.

I'd always liked Eminem (anyone who loves words should like Eminem. He is brilliant.), and I'd recently come to admit that I liked Rihanna (as a masochist who struggles with a porn addiction, she'd always hit a little too close to home), but "The Monster" took an unprecedented hold on me.

You know how I used to write in Purple and Green? That's because I used to THINK in Purple and Green, except that it felt like they were thinking for me.

I felt like my mind was made up of three distinct characters:  "Stephanie," "Purple," and "Green." We were each our own person with our own voice. A lot of the time, I--"Stephanie"--wouldn't get very many lines inside my own head. I would sit there and watch/listen to Purple and Green argue and discuss and joke until I felt like I was going legitimately crazy.

They wouldn't let me get a word in, and eventually I figured it didn't matter. Listening to them helped me process my thoughts anyway. I stopped trying to shut them up and started trying to use their interactions to reason my way through life.

Because life was bad.

It didn't always feel bad; in fact, most of the time it felt awesome. It felt like staying up late (to text PC, who I was supposedly broken up with) and saying what I wanted (which included a lot of profanity) and eating what I wanted (whether too little to be healthy or too much to be healthy) and going where I wanted (including to friends' apartments in the middle of the night so I could sleep on the same bed [i.e. dirty mattress on the floor] as PC).

I knew my life wasn't right, but a lot of the time it felt really great. I felt like I was really, truly, finally starting to Grow Up. I guess I thought growing up meant doing whatever you wanted and feeling really jaded about life.

But deep down, I felt so, so empty. I felt lost. I could close my eyes and see my heart inside of my chest:  dark, swirling, smokey fog. Empty. Insubstantial. Uncertain.

I lied to my family a lot. I told creative truths and lies of omission to Cassidy. I lost a lot of respect from my little sister. PC helped me do it all. I felt like he was really helping me though. I felt like he was helping me to Grow Up:  to be my own person and make my own decisions and fight my own inner demons.

He especially seemed to help with the inner demons.

First, he helped me to identify them, which included realizing how "arbitrary" my conditions for dating him were. (I really was being irrational and unkind. I couldn't reasonably expect him to get his life on track before I dated him again. Dating is all about understanding and tackling life together, right? I shouldn't demand that he get a job or become a real Christian first. That could come later.)

Second, he helped me figure out how I could combat the demons. For example, since I felt so guilty about constantly going farther in our physical relationship, we should set boundaries and stick to them. (He was also really patient when I didn't say No loud enough or push his hands away enough times. He constantly offered to draw the boundary lines again, and even offered to stop in the middle and go get protection when it looked like I really wasn't going to be strong enough to resist.)

Third, he offered educated diagnoses for my mental episodes (episodes such as changing my mind a lot, hearing Purple and Green, feeling really depressed, etc.). He gently cautioned me that I might be schizophrenic or have serious repressed sexual issues from childhood. Using extensive internet research and carefully constructed logic, he suggested that I might be a sociopath, and that he could see signs of psychopathy in himself (what a perfect match!).

Eventually I stopped resisting him. He was probably right about everything, and even if he wasn't, I had already gone too far down this particular Growing Up path. PC was not only the best I was ever going to get, he was also what I deserved.

I started hearing "The Monster" on the radio around the time I stopped resisting. I mostly skipped it; I never seemed to be in the mood to learn a new song, and sometimes I still liked to pretend I hated Rihanna. However, it was catchy, and it reminded me of myself in a way that made me smile wryly.

"I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed, get along with the voices inside of my head..."

That line always made me think of Purple and Green.

"You're trying to save me? Stop holding your breath."

My heart would pinch as I thought about PC. He loved me so much. He was trying so hard to help me become my true self. He was trying to save me, but I knew I was beyond help. I was hopeless.

"And you think I'm crazy? Yeah, you think I'm crazy. Well, that's not fair."

That line gave me pause. The rest of the chorus resonated so perfectly with me. But the speaker wasn't crazy? I was crazy. Wasn't I? Didn't I make up unfair, arbitrary conditions for dating PC; and change my mind all the time about how far I wanted to go physically; and hear voices; and have trust issues? I was crazy.

But what if that wasn't fair? What if...what if I could get along with my inner demons and voices in my head by myself? What if I could actually handle them just fine? What if PC's trying to "save" me wasn't really salvation at all? What if his saying that I was "crazy" wasn't true? What if it was a selfish ploy to get what he wanted? What if he was just posing as my savior and convincing me that I was crazy?

Well. That wouldn't be fair.

What if I wasn't crazy? What if I just wanted something different? What if I just wasn't who he wanted me to be? What if I just wanted a different definition of Growing Up? What if he was just labeling me as crazy so that I would trust him over myself?

That's. Not. Fair.

"The Monster" didn't change my life; it didn't inspire me to break with PC once and for all; but it was sort of an unintentional mantra for the next several months. I would listen to it every time it came on the radio, and I would sing along. The last line of the chorus always came out with more conviction than I anticipated:

"WELL, THAT'S NOT FAIR."

How dare he convince me I was crazy just to get what he wanted? That's. Not. Fair.

And now, every time I hear that song, I am reminded that I am my own person. I am reminded that I have to be careful whom I trust. I am NOT crazy just because someone says I am

It's funny:  ever since I really, truly, finally broke it off with PC, Purple and Green have kind of left me alone.

~Stephanie

From Christmas 2013

12/24/13

Dear Christmas 2014 Eve Stephanie,

Hey :) How are you? I come bringing you good news. Would you like to hear it?

You are in a better place than me! Isn't that a relief? I am so happy for you. I worked really hard to get you here. I dedicated myself to my school work, and opened myself up to new friends, and tried to get deeper with God, and wrote more, and read more, and pushed Sam to the right place on my priority list.

You are the result of a very difficult Christmas 2013, and probably a pretty tearful following New Year's Eve. How do you feel? Pearls are made from being trapped. A phoenix rises stronger from the ashes. Diamonds form under great pressure.

You a pearl, a phoenix, and a diamond, produced from the captivity, heat, and pressure I'm feeling right now. I'm so glad that you're alive. Aren't you glad? Isn't it nice just to be alive?

I don't care if you have a boyfriend or not :) If you do, I trust that you think a lot of him and the two of you are a reasonable kind of happy. If you don't, keep believing that God has someone good for you, someone who will ask you on real dates, and write you letters, and pray with you, and make you laugh, and propel his own life forwards.

I hope you're loving being an English major. I think you are, even if you've been frustrated this year. You love words so much. Just think about how you feel when you read a good book, and how powerful writing inspiration is. So many people have told met hat I'm a good writer, so you must be even better. Remember, every time you think you've lost your touch, you read and love something you wrote LAST time you thought you lost your touch. Things go in cycles. You're destined to write something worth it, I'm sure. Believe that.

You're not fat. Don't even think that. You look great, I'm totally sure. I'm going to make sure of it.

I bet you have time to read a whole book between now and when you go back to school. Go for it!

Please don't be sad :) I'm fighting considerable sadness myself, and the thought of you being happy is one of the only things keeping me going.

Love you, Stephanie of Christmas 2014! I hope your first year out of the teens has been alright!

~Christmas 2013 Stephanie

Colors on My Soul

"Teal”

10/27/14

I loved a boy with a teal soul.

He had teal eyes,

Neither blue nor green.

Ambiguous. Enigmatic.

Small and piercing; slicing, sharp.

They were a one-way door.

Sly and sneaking, seeking.

Secretive. Shocking. Stealthy.

They pierced, they sliced,

They sought, they stole.

It was a teal soul.

"Green and Gold"

10/28/14

I love a boy with brown eyes.

He has a soul of green and gold:

Deep with alive; rich with warm.

Gentle and bold.

Present and open; promising, proud.

They brought integrity.

Passionate and polite, perceiving.

Persistent. Pursuing. Purposeful.

They healed, they prodded,

They praised, they protected.

It made me whole,

His green and gold soul.

~Stephanie

In My Arms Reprise

WARNING:  This post may get sappy. It will definitely praise God.
 ~~~~~~~~~
A little over a year ago, I posted THESE lyrics.

To date, I think "In My Arms" by Dead By April is the most influential song in my life. A year ago, God broke my heart, with a lot of help from myself and someone else.

 {I know it's hard to let go all that defines you. You feel like you'll never be whole again.}
 
When I heard "In My Arms" one day in April of 2013, I KNEW God was speaking to me. I let my walls come down and I just surrendered it all to Him. I demanded of myself to trust God and brokenly believe that the words of "In My Arms" would someday be true for me.

I. HAD. NO. IDEA.

{Don't give in. Don't let your memories break you.}

I spent a year trying not to let my memories of PC break me. I tried not to look back. For the first five or six months, I failed miserably. I deserted all my promises to God. I turned back to my own twisted logic. I began to depend on my own perversions of the future. It was unhealthy and shameful and I lost a lot more than just valuable time.

The words of "In My Arms" remained a faint but persistent promise in the back of my mind.

{All you've lost will come again; just stay here with me.}

I couldn't imagine gaining back a fraction of what I'd had in PC. He was my best friend. He represented everything I'd ever wanted in a companion, plus some. He understood me. He challenged me. He made me happy.

All I'd lost would come again? WAS GOD CRAZY?! WHAT KIND OF RIDICULOUS BULLSHIT WAS HE TRYING TO FEED ME?

I finally got a grip around the middle of this past December. I don't know why, but a straw broke my back and I in turn broke free from my broken lifestyle and broken relationship.

It hurt intensely for about a week. And then?

I haven't looked back. I haven't let my memories break me. Honestly, they're starting to fade, and rather than panic and relive them in my head, I'm just letting them. I'll never forget PC, and I'll always love him, but I don't feel compelled to deal with the painful close clarity of the memories. It's unnecessary. It's unhelpful.

He defined me entirely too much. Looking back, that fact has filled me with an indignant resentment. But lately, the resentment is distant; it's shadowy, easily put out by the light of my life now.

Because in just one short year, God has shown me that He is not a liar. In fact, he has shown me his divine ability to remain faithful even when we are faithless.

I've spent the past year living 90% for myself. I've made selfish, immoral, dangerous, short-sighted, tragic decisions. I haven't prayed enough. I haven't read the Bible enough. I haven't been a good representation of a Christian at all.

But for some reason, God has decided to show me what He and His promises are made of.

All I've lost will come again?

Thankfully, that is not quite the case. Instead, God has given me immeasurably more than anything I've ever had before.

I've JUST started dating Gem, so it's way too early to be feeling or knowing much, but guuuuuuuuys. This boy. Life is so not all about boys or dating, and God certainly isn't, and normally I'm not either, so it's very unexpected and unprecedented that God has decided to reveal His "all you've lost will come again" promise with such a direct, parallel shift:  when I finally relinquished PC, I could see Gem.

I don't know why Gem waited for me for three years. I cannot wrap my mind around why he wants to date me now. He is so out of my league.

I don't know what God has planned for me and Gem. Maybe we'll date over the whole summer; maybe we'll decide being friends is better for us; maybe we'll last for a long time. All I know is that when I finally stopped fighting God tooth and nail for MY plan with PC, God opened up floodgates of amazing, amazing things.

There is more joy in the world than I thought possible. And right now it feels like God is trying to hand every last bit of it to me :)

That song! "In My Arms" came true! When I posted it, I didn't know how it could be true, I just knew that God was calling me to trust it blindly. Eventually, I submitted to God's plan, and oh my gosh, a year later, I sit here and wonder how I was so blind for so long.

How could I have doubted God? I really hope I get better at not doing that XD

~Stephanie

Part 3

This Sole Broken Girl

11.11.13

This sole broken girl, and also this boy,

Just what have they done to themselves?

They made the wrong call, which caused them to fall

And the truth neither one of them tells.

That night in late spring, they had a good talk.

They would get right with God and be real.

So they gave it a shot and the girl soon forgot

How uneasy and wrong she could feel.

They worked very well, as everyone saw.

Communication between them was clear.

They made a good team and had fun in between

The busy-ness and growing-up fears.

But nagging away at the girl’s tender heart

Was the knowledge that things were not right.

She could not explain, so instead she refrained

From dragging the truths to the light.

Though they seemed great, on the outside at least,

The issues were brewing within.

The girl was too crazy and the boy was too lazy

And neither would admit their sins.

Dependent and selfish, depressed and depraved,

The girl fell into deep inner strife.

She couldn’t face God with her fragile façade

Of a girl who did right with her life.

Lazy, manipulative, lying and lax,

The boy had issues all his own.

By hiding a lot, more the girl he got.

When she pressed him, he’d throw her a bone.

One day she knew that things couldn’t go on.

She told him that night they were done.

He took it with grace and didn’t lose face

So the dating went down with the sun.

The conviction was strong, though she wasn’t sure why.

It was just that the doubts always stayed.

He looked in her eye, needing no reason why,

And said just “I love you, okay?”

Soon after that night, a big truth came out.

Something he’d hidden forever.

A secret of souls, a secret so cold

She knew they could not be together.

So this was the reason for all the distrust.

So that’s why she couldn’t have peace.

It made so much sense that the girl felt quite dense

And for weeks couldn’t make herself eat.

I won’t discuss here all the pain that she felt.

It would make you ache deep in your soul.

But know it was brutal, and healing was futile,

For the boy would not let the girl go.

She watched from afar as the boy changed his life.

He went running and writing and prayed.

Her heart swelled with pride and it warmed her inside

As he told truth and stood unafraid.

She heard of his changes and grudgingly thought

Was there someone there now she could date?

This new boy…perhaps, but she feared a relapse.

The unease there still would not abate.

But little by little, her memories broke her.

The boy held the same place in her heart.

She trusted him not, but the lonelier she got,

The closer she inched towards the start.

Summer came then, at a really bad time.

She was not whole enough yet to see him.

But he still filled her days in so many ways

And her shell of resistance grew slim.

Instead of becoming an item again,

The two dragged themselves back to the pit.

They were physically close, their excuses verbose

All the progress and hope meant not shit.

They kept up their exploits of touching and fun,

Hauling their skeletons to school.

Their words of respect someone sane would reject.

Their hollow plans turned them to fools.

Their souls were so sick, they did not even see

Just how far their carelessness ranged.

Til one final night full of errant delight

And suddenly—90% changed.

He did not respect her, because she gave in.

She’d known for a while it was lies.

Love? Respect? Or lustful? And wrecked?

Both their words are just that in my eyes.

Broken and tainted, deceitful and wrong.

Is this what the two have become?

After so many tries, and so many lies

The heart of this girl is just numb.

He doesn’t respect her, and she doesn’t him.

If they did, they would act for their good.

Words are just cheap, and the prices too steep

To continue this as they both would.

So here we are now, the poor girl is done.

She’s cut the boy off at the source.

She can’t take his word; his “love” is absurd

Her smooth thoughts and mind become coarse.

She will try to be done; she thinks that is right.

But she hasn’t the strength on her own.

She plans to try God, though that will feel odd

And pray one day she won’t be alone.

~Stephanie

P.S. Part 4 coming sometime this year... I'm doing much better than I was in November :) When the mood strikes, I'll write a final closing piece--probably.

Part 2

Remember That Girl?

11.14.12

Remember that girl, and also that boy?

This is now not the start, nor the end.

She mastered the art of winning her heart

And then let the boy in as a friend.

Fast-forward a while, a year if you will

To the lives of our fickle young teens

So much has occurred, so much growth has been spurred.

Lots more have they both thought and seen.

The girl wasn’t scared, the control was all hers,

So friendship was casual and nice.

She wasn’t quite sure if the boy’s feelings endured,

But testing it was not worth the price.

His clearance was low, she kept to herself

As one would expect from the past.

He still liked her a lot, and never forgot

How she’d caught him so hard and so fast.

For months upon months, he tried rather hard,

Though she felt and expressed nothing new.

She liked other guys and didn’t disguise

That she and the boy were all through.

The boy kept his space, he respect her there

Though he obviously hated her crushes.

It made her feel nice that she’d gotten him twice,

But her heart was unmoved by his pushes.

The girl had no time nor romantic desire;

She was happier just as she was.

She worked on her writing and found life exciting.

That’s what winning one’s heart often does.

Being free now from fear, her mind and soul grew—

A process the boy often helped.

He still stuck around, which was nice, the girl found.

She was surprised at how little she felt.

She made it quite plain that she felt not a thing,

Which the boy said was true for him too,

But she still felt the scope of the boy’s patient hope

And she struggled with just what to do.

She told him her thoughts, that there wasn’t a chance

And the boy let that be for a bit,

But as more time went by, the girl wondered why

They still seemed such a strange perfect fit.

After telling him no, one late winter night,

The girl started to feel something wrong.

The confusion inside built up til she cried.

She was mad; she’d stayed strong for so long.

What the hell did this mean? She demanded to know.

Why the hell did the boy even matter?

She confided at last to her best girl friend Cass

How her honestly-hard heart was shattered.

The boy was still there, she still spoke with him lots.

Three years had seen them stay friends.

They’d gone up and down and both gotten around.

The means could not explain this strange end.

The girl barely slept, her heart kept her up.

She struggled both in church and school.

Her feelings would pass, like they had at long last.

She refused to be seen as a fool.

Nightmares plagued her when she shut her eyes.

Was it wrong not to let her thoughts out?

What if he died with her thought still inside?

All her actions just filled her with doubt.

This went on for weeks, life was hard all around,

But the girl soon made up her mind.

If after trying her best, her thoughts wouldn’t rest

Then there was something in a “Them” to find.

She plotted to tell him how she really felt.

For the right time she waited weeks more.

When she told him at last, the relief followed fast,

Though she felt more reserved than before.

The boy proved himself soon, by asking her dad,

The step that had stalled him in past.

The girl heard with delight through the closed door that night.

She was worth the boy’s effort at last.

Dating was crazy and perfect and weird.

It took them a while to believe.

After years of just gray, dusk had given to day

Each other’s love they could freely perceive.

                               

What made this time different, you might want to know,

Since they’d never worked well in the past.

Their love story shows that with time you grow,

And ultimatums should seldom be cast.

The boy grew up loyal; the girl became strong.

They both became more of themselves.

The girl spoke without fear and the boy came to hear.

They took down their emotions from shelves.

The girl was still wary for months at the start,

Defenses and guards were still up.

But he loved her a lot, and he gave things a shot

And she told him at last that she loved him.

Months went by fast as summer and college flew by.

They kept close even though they were far.

They argued for fun, and over who won

And had fun even just in the car.

I guess time will tell if they make it forever

Forever’s a long time, you see.

But one thing’s for sure:  inner strength is the cure

For heartache and loving happily.

~Stephanie