A Spirare

I just hit the "Publish" button on the post called "Aspirations." I clicked "View Blog" to proofread it again, and was struck by that word:

Aspiration.

Out of nowhere, its Latin roots assaulted me unbidden:  a meaning "of, from, by, since" and spirare meaning "to breathe."

Aspirations:  Something from which we breathe.

Our aspirations--our goals, our dreams, our desires--are not only what we strive to, but what we breathe from. They aren't just in our futures, they are in us now, motivating us. When we breathe, we breathe because we're working toward something, working to be something.

I got up this morning because I aspire to be an English major. To be an English major, I must get up and read things and write things and study things and drink a lot of coffee (it's in the major requirement. Don't check; it's there)--and breathe. Because I aspire to be an English major.

I'm really starting to love the word "aspire." It is a light word. It's airy and crisp and invigorating--like a breath, I suppose, but a really good one. A breath of cool, sharp air that fills you with energy like electricity and makes you want to jump higher and run faster and smile brighter.

Aspire.

To what do I aspire? From what do I breathe?

I aspire to be a lover of words:  to speak them effectively, read them closely, write them artfully.
I aspire to be a champion of truth, valuing it in people, institutions, and ideas.
I aspire to travel:  to see places that amaze me and meet people who change me.
I aspire to know God and make him known.
I aspire to drink my coffee at a mature pace.

From what do you breathe?

~Stephanie

Double Life

I feel like I'm leading a double life.

On one hand, I am happier than I've ever been in my entire life. I am happier than I ever thought possible--much happier than I deserve.

It's the people:  my suitemates are perfect living companions:  we get along flawlessly, balancing late-night life discussions and sessions of politely ignoring each other while we do homework. We laugh loudly and often and share inappropriate details about our lives. It is truly awesome.

Cassidy is still my best friend. We understand each other, support each other, and share hilarious text messages that make me burst out laughing in moments of silence. Our relationship feels the same, except older. I think it's what growing up is supposed to be for best friends.

And Gem. Things with Gem are amazingly great. He gives direction to my aimless everyday inefficiencies and overwhelming mundane endeavors. I take the best naps with him. He has the best story ideas. He's the best kind of stubborn. He sent me a Batman ice cube tray in the mail the other day, for no reason. He takes me on dates because he likes to. He sends me spontaneous flirting texts in class and I cannot help smiling.

These people light up my life. Sometimes it almost makes me cry. God is so great. He has blessed me more than I thought possible.

I am so happy.

But on the other hand, I have never been this miserable for this long in my entire life.

This entire semester has been depression and struggle and frustration and helplessness. I have not had a single day where I woke up with a smile and thought I can do this. Every morning has been like a punch in the stomach, oppressive and nauseating.

It's a rule that semesters start off rough, you know? It's hard to shake the summer mindset. It's hard to say goodbye to friends and family back home. It's hard to watch the tan leach from your skin. I expected these routine difficulties. But I did not expect them to persist relentlessly into my third month of junior year.

I am DROWNING in homework, internship, tutoring, and copy-editor duties. Drowning isn't even the right word. Suffocating? Flattening? My Model United Nations class consists of "Here's a textbook. Read it, understand it, and be prepared for tests on it. Also, please become intimately familiar with all current events and events pertaining to the UN from the last fifty years."

There's a conference coming up in November, where I will represent Belgium on a UN committee COMPLETELY ALONE. I have no idea how to prepare for that.

In another poli-sci class, I am the only non-political science or criminal justice major. I have a midterm in that class tomorrow. I haven't had time to study for it.

In all my three English classes, which I love, I think I've completed about ten readings. There has been a lot of skimming and SparkNoting and bullshitting. I hate doing that. I love being an English major. If I didn't have all the tedious, impossible work for my political science minor, I might love my life.

But as things are, I honest-to-God do not know how I'm going to keep going. Am I going to start failing classes? Am I going to start getting sick all the time? Am I going to lose myself in this relentless struggle to juggle my life?

I feel so trapped. There aren't classes or jobs that I can drop. I have to keep doing everything, but it's only going to get worse, and I'm barely keeping my head above water as is.

I love school because I love learning. But at the same time, I do not want to do this anymore. I am so over being constantly graded. I am so over living a life that is functionally disconnected from Gem. I am so over the entanglements of busy work and...just academics.

I know that I don't want to quit school, but at the same time, these overwhelming feelings of depression and helplessness are not tapering off as the semester progresses the way they normally do.

I'm just frustrated. I know exactly what I want with my life, I just can't reach it yet, and I can't tell if I'm on the surest, most efficient path toward that goal. Am I somehow causing myself unnecessary pain and stress? Or is this just the way it has to be for now?

No answers, only questions.

The reality of impending adultness continues.

~Stephanie

Dream 112

PC and I were running away from our captors or some evil corporation. Sometimes we were in a car, sometimes on horseback. Either way, PC was driving. {Sometimes we were Darren and Paige though. A lot of the time actually. But we were also still Stephanie and Sam.}

I think we had been arguing, or maybe it was just leftover tension from being captured. I dunno, but as we got farther away, the tension/anger began to subside. We started to like each other and feel like a team again.

I looked over my shoulder and saw that the sky was blanketed in horrendously beautiful, dark charcoal-colored clouds. It filled me with chilled awe and fearful adrenaline. And there was a tube-like piece of cloud beginning to reach down towards the ground…

“What is that?” I said to Sam, pointing.

The answer came to me right as he said it: “It looks like the beginning of a tornado.”

The wind began to pick up. I think I could feel it. We were kind of scared, and tried to drive/ride faster.

The cloud stopped looking like a tornado really and became a chubby cylinder with a little cloud stick poking out from it on the bottom right side. But I guess it was still a tornado.

I suddenly spotted a helicopter in the sky. It was the evil people; they were out looking for us. Fear pulsed through me. They were so close. They were about to see us. But then I had a great thought: maybe the helicopter would get sucked into the tornado.

“There’s one of the helicopters,” I told Sam. I don’t exactly remember the exchange between us, but it came down to the fact that even though he really wanted to watch, he had to look where we were going {‘cuz driving}, so I’d have to describe everything to him.

So I did. I described everything really thoroughly and poetically as the helicopter flew straight into the tornado and started to drop and shift around in the sky.

Then there were suddenly tons of shooting stars, white and beautiful. They streaked through the sky around the helicopter, and I jokingly thought maybe they’d hit the helicopter, even though I knew that wasn’t really how sky worked XD

But then that happened. Suddenly the stars were—and maybe had been the whole time—balls of fire, probably about the size of a basketball. They rained down mostly in the relatively near distance behind us with the tornado and helicopter, but some fireballs dropped close enough to us that we were alarmed.

The fireballs started to hit the helicopter. The helicopter didn’t catch on fire right away; it just kind of spun a little and started to fall. A panic budded in my chest. If it exploded, would anything hit us? The helicopter caught fire and started to go down.

“Um…” I began. I’d been describing everything, but suddenly the words were lodged and confused inside of me. I didn’t know how to address the danger in the most helpful way. PC didn’t yet know what was going on, and every second wasted was a second he’d like to have to consider the situation. “It’s going down,” I finally said. “It’s going to crash.”

That was good for us. But…

“Oh god,” I said. The helicopter slammed into the midst of some industrial buildings, where the evil people’s headquarters were. It crunched into the architecture with a chunky, tangible force the is the color blue to me.

“Brace yourself!” I yelled to Sam, although I don’t know how we were supposed to do that. Basically it amounted to us trying to get away faster. Suddenly we were on foot, holding hands, pounding our steps into the ground with as much panicked force as we could possibly drive through our heels.

The helicopter’s crash plowed out a crater in the ground, sending out a slow-motion shock wave of blue energy and orange fire. The wave leveled everything it touched.

Suddenly everything was in slow motion. We gripped each other’s hands with a rough desperation. I felt the wave of energy and heat coming closer. I knew it was dangerous, but I already felt victorious. I think I smiled.

The terrain in front of us changed. Suddenly it was tons of hills/mountains covered white pebbles, and we were giants compared to it. We had to be careful not to step in the rivers and passageways between mountains, because our feet would get caught in them

~Stephanie

How to Remember Your Dreams

***WARNING:  I AM ABOUT TO MAKE EXCUSES.***

Gah, I missed DAY TWO of Blog Everyday. However, from the hours 9:30am to 12:17am THIS morning, I was home for exactly fifty-six seconds. {David actually timed me.} So yeah. Slack, please.

"Day Two:"  Educate us about something you know a lot about or are good at.

Mmmmkay. Most of the things I know "a lot" about will not be interesting to the general blogging public {e.g. grammatical rules, fire fairies, etc.}.

In the interest of keeping this section from turning into a novella, I will tell you some tricks {from personal experience only} on...

How To Remember Your Dreams Better

- Set alarms for increments leading up to when you actually need to get up.  I remember my dreams better if I'm snapped out of them repeatedly. It's like I need to be conscious for a moment in order for the dream to get recognized and stored in memory. So if I need to get up at 9am, I'll set alarms for 8, 8:30, and 9. Usually I'll have some cool dreams in those thirty-minute extra segments.

- Keep a notebook and pencil by your bed. Do not assume that a dream was cool/interesting/vivid/important enough to remember on your own. Jot down buzzwords the second your gain some semblance of consciousness. You don't even have to open your eyes. If you dreamed that you hijacked a bus with your baby cousin that was barreling down your driveway and then realized all your teeth had fallen out and grown into blue fuzzy flowers on the floor of the bus, just write "bus cousin teeth out fuzzy flowers." This will jog your memory enough that when you're fully awake later, the details will slowly come back to you when you read the buzzwords.

- Eat distinct food an hour or so before you go to sleep. Pizza and ice cream work really well. Of course, if you're also trying to get in better shape, probably don't try this one. Studies also show that food eaten after 9pm is harder to work off later.

Day Three:  Things that make you uncomfortable

I seem to remember actually doing this post on my own a couple of months ago. *goes to check*

Yes. There is a post called "Things That Make Me Uncomfortable." <---click that.

~Stephanie

Krispy Kreme Dream

4/6/13

{PC = Sam}

PC and I were in an apartment. It might have been at the beach. I think we were the only ones there.

I think we had an argument or something, because I sort of stormed out. He followed me, asking what I wanted to do, kind of to pacify me.

“I want Krispy Kreme,” I said. My hair was in a side ponytail, like I wear it to dance at Campbell. I don’t know why I know that.

“Okay, we can do that,” he said.

So we started walking. We were in a very dark, dirty, industrialized part of town.

Sam started to walk a different direction from me.

“No,” I said. “It’s this way. I’m sure.”

“I mean, I think this is the better way,” he said.

“Like, I don’t,” I said unreservedly. “I know where Battleground is. It’s right there. The Krispy Kreme is like RIGHT THERE.” I pointed. We couldn’t see it, because of the tall, dark buildings, but I was sure it was just on the other side of them.

“I mean, maybe you can go that way, but—”

“I am.” And I started walking. Sam didn’t say anything else. He followed me, although he still thought his way was more direct.

When we reached Battleground and looked to the left, where I thought the Krispy Kreme would be, we did see the Krispy Kreme. However, it was a lot farther down the road than I’d thought. In all actuality, Sam’s way would have been about as close. However, he was also surprised. His route would not have put us nearly as close to Krispy Kreme as he'd thought either.

Neither of our routes had been as accurate as we’d both been certain they were. I think we both admitted that.

When we got to Krispy Kreme, I got a box of a dozen doughnuts, but I wanted to mix and match the contents. I was getting doughnuts for my whole family, and probably, like, Cassidy too, so I had to get something for everyone. It was stressful. I didn’t know what the best combination was.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think this dream might really mean something. Maybe I’m not 100% right in thinking that Sam and I ARE NOT the right ones for each other; and maybe Sam’s not 100% right in thinking that he and I ARE DEFINITELY the right ones for each other. Maybe God doesn’t engineer life so that we have to choose the one right option out of a million close-but-no-cigar options. Maybe he can work with several options and he actually lets us pick from a small selection of ones that he’s approved.

Krispy Kreme symbolizes the ultimate “right” decision and/or happiness. Maybe both our paths will lead us there, we just have to decide which one we want to choose.

{Although, neither of our paths were actually the best. Hm. What does THAT mean? Where’s the middle option? Through those dark, scary buildings? There wasn’t even a ROAD there. Hm.}

Do I want to be with him? I have to decide. And maybe either way I decide can lead to a good future.

But I feel like I’m not just choosing for myself. My trip to Krispy Kreme and how I get there are my choices, kind of, but I’m bringing doughnuts back for everyone. I have to get the right ones for the people close to me.

It’s stressful. And I don’t know what they want me to do.

Monopoly with Batman

I dreamed that the family, Batman and I were playing Monopoly. It was the Christian Bale Batman, in costume.

He landed on my {Monopoly} property or something, and owed me money. He had the money in his hand, but asked me if I would mind letting him pay later.

Me: “:D Sure, Batman! I trust you.” I felt sweet and innocent and like I was doing the right thing. For some reason I had the vague idea that he’d be proud of my love and respect for him, like giving him reassurance that he was a good hero or something.

But instead he gave me this scathing look of contemptuous disapproval that seemed to say, I have the money here in my hand, and you’re going to suspend justice just because you ‘trust me’?

Upon waking I felt embarrassed. However, the dream was enlightening and made me think. I shouldn't suspend reason just because I WANT to believe something. It’s irrational, unjustified, unintelligent and dangerous.

And Batman would definitely disapprove.

~Stephanie

The Magic Box {dream}

10.25.11

Momma and Daddy and I drive to a hotel to see the Browns {Randy, Cindy, Zack}. When we get there, there’s a black tie event going on in the ballroom, which has bleachers all along one side and windows on the opposite, so we can look in the window wall and see everyone seated across on the bleachers. But it’s black tie and we’re not dressed up so we can’t go in.

Same dream, same setting, but now Momma and Daddy aren’t with me. I’m with like maybe two other people, I think both guys but I dunno who they are. We’re spying on some guests at the hotel, or maybe trying to steal something from them, or maybe both. Actually, I think we’re trying to steal this magic box.

For whatever reason, we climb up like a trellis and onto the porch of one of the hotel rooms. From there we sneak into the bathroom and spy on the people and actually kidnap a baby. The kid is a baby sort of, but it’s really intelligent so it talks and knows what’s up. I get the baby and climb back down, but for some reason I have to keep going back up, maybe to spy or maybe to fix things that I did wrong, or something.

We eventually got the box too, and started messing around with it, like “Haaa, we got it!” and showing off with it to each other. But it was a stormy night and one time when we activated the box lightning struck at the same time and the box was like *ZAAAAPEXPLODEFREAKOUT* and we were like OMG WTF.

A little while after that we got caught by Coal-esque person, either a hotel guard or a rival spy.

Turns out, there was a legitimate reason we were instructed not to use the box: we didn’t know its power and instructions well enough. It’s never supposed to be used on a stormy night because it has a weird and dangerous reaction with lightning.

~Stephanie

6 Italian Guys {dream}

10.26.11

Sarah and I were at this park, but it was like downtown at the same time. We parked the car at a lot similar to where we park up the hill at the soccer field and went to the park. There was like a bridge like on the highway, and perpendicular to the bridge was a brick wall, high enough that I had to jump up and haul myself over it with my arms if I wanted to see over it. If I did, then I could only see people's feet who were standing on the level ground because there was an iron railing. That doesn't really make sense, but in dreams, nothing does.

We were just chillin', not really having fun exactly. It was more like we were running or hiding from something and had decided to stop there. We had bags on us, like my black duffel and cheetah print bags. Maybe we were running away. Somewhere along the line, a bench appeared on our side of the brick wall, and at the end of the brick wall on, far down from where we were was a door. Just like a normal door, but the wall ended with the door, and there wasn't, like, a roof. So it was just a useless door that you could just walk around if you wanted.

I was sitting on the brick wall, texting or something, when I saw the six guys coming to the door. I tried to tell myself that they were just people at the park like Sarah and I, but they looked like trouble. They were probably 19-20ish, Italian and attractive. But they scared me immediately.

They walked through the superfluous door and sauntered over to Sarah and me. I was still on the wall, Sarah was standing on the ground. The guys started small talking, you know, what's up, how come you girls are here alone, kind of creepy stuff like that. They all sort of made a semi circle around me and Sarah, Sarah's back to the wall. I typed 911 on my cellphone, just in case things got weird, but I was still trying to convince myself that I was overreacting.

Then it became obvious I was not. The guys jumped on me and Sarah, trying to drag us with them. I hit SEND on my cellphone, but then the phone got knocked out of my hand. I struggled against the guys who had my arms, trying to get away. I knew cellphones had trackers in them, so I didn't really need to say anything on the phone, the police are supposed to come no matter what. But then I remembered reading somewhere that the #1 way to get an emergency response quicker is to give your location. So I started shouting it at the phone:

"THE LIBRARY! THE LIBRARY!" Only then I remembered that that wasn't the name of the library. "THE (blank) COUNTY LIBRARY IN (blank)!"

I don't think it worked, because the guys theoretically got us into their hotel room, which looked exactly like where we'd been the whole time: beside the cement bridge and the brick wall with the stupid door and iron fence.

The guys were outside the door, standing on level ground so that I could see their legs if I hiked myself up the brick wall. They were plotting what to do to us. Sarah was just sitting around like a lump on a pickle this whole time, not even upset. She was completely indifferent about the whole thing, looking at me like I was retarded, overreacting to the whole thing. It pissed me off, but in a situation like that I could afford to have my mind occupied by anything but an escape plan.

"Go look out the window {which was looking through/under the bridge} and see if our car is still there," I told Sarah. She meandered over like she thought it was the stupidest thing ever and turned around, lip curled, eyes rolling.

"Yeah."

"Good." I started packing, which was risky because some of our stuff was on the brick wall, meaning that if the guys were looking our way, they would see me grabbing stuff and potentially know what we were doing. Of course, I had to risk it. As I got the stuff, I got the unnerving feeling that they were watching the whole thing, knowing what was going on, and not doing anything--yet. It made me feel like a mouse to their cat, a rat in a maze.

But then they did do something. They started for the door.

"No!" I squeaked. I whirled at Sarah. "Go! Lock the door!" She just kind of looked at me like, No, you do it. "Sarah! GO LOCK THE DOOR. THEY'RE COMING."

She went over and grudgingly locked the door, whining, "Nooo, they'll be mad and make us runnnn." {I think they'd been threatening us with stuff like that before.}

I ignored her. So long as the door was locked.

"Hey, open up!" demanded one of the guys. "You better get over here right now!"

I was done packing. I grabbed Sarah's hand and we went out the window. I think we climbed onto another balcony and then through that room into the rest of the hotel. I was running around, desperately trying to find an elevator. We had to get to the roof, because that was a) the only safe place from the guys, and b) it was the way to get to our car.

Couldn't find an elevator, so decided to take the stairs. Suddenly David is there holding the door for me, his arm in a sling. I was inexpressibly relieved to see him.

"Come on!" I said, motioning him frantically. He frowned and pointed at the glass walls around the stairs. Anyone in the hall could see everyone on the stairs. Meaning that if our kidnappers started down the hall to look for us, we'd be spotted for sure. I was stricken, and out of plans. "What do we do then?"

"Go down," David said, pointing. Perfect! The kidnappers knew we needed to get to the roof to get to the car. It was the last thing they'd expect. We ran down the stairs, top speed, and finally out of the hotel and back into the downtown area. From there we...I'm not completely sure. I wanna say we went back to the car, but I know more happened. But I did realize one thing:

"Sarah!" I cried. She wasn't with us. "David! How could you leave Sarah?! How could you not tell me she wasn't with us?!" David made his annoyed/baffled face.

"I didn't know she was with us! Why are you yelling at me? Why didn't YOU keep up with her?"

The question was so valid that I just caved in on myself. Then I woke up.

~Stephanie

{dreams}

It would not be an exaggeration to say I am somewhat OBSESSED with dreams. One of my most-asked questions of my friends is, "Have you dreamed lately?"

I find them completely fascinating. What does my mind do when I'm not thinking about it? What's my subconscious up to? Dreams let you see, study, and understand yourself in ways that you CANNOT do when you're awake. They reveal your true colors, your deepest fears, your most buried desires, and all the things you've been processing recently.

I once dreamed that I was in Narnia, and I sold Aslan out. That really bothered me and my struggle to build loyalty, honor and courage have grown since.

I once dreamed I got my back sliced open by an Uruk-hai {Weird Eragon-LotR hybrid dream) and the only way to heal me was to give my sister to the Uruks. My parents voted to give up my sister. I've been more protective and vocal to praise her since.

I once dreamed that my husband cheated on me, then forced me to have an affair myself so I could have a chance to be happy. I still have not shaken that uncomfortably desperate, betrayed feeling.

I once dreamed that freaky Russian lady kidnapped my friends and threw them over a cliff into a raging river.

...yeahhh, that one didn't have much of a life-application.

Your mind is like a huge computer, and dreams are a way to hack it.

Your mind is like an endless supply of video games that are new every night through dreams.

Your mind is like a window to your soul that you can peer through with dreams.

You have nightmares that are psychological, or gory, or, tragic.

You have wishes that are embarrassing, or enlightening, or surprising.

You have scenarios that are helpful, or confusing, or inspiring.

There are so many types and uses and feelings of dreams. I just find the whole concept absolutely enthralling. You may already know that I love nightmares {with the exception of Searching Dreams}.

I dunno. Dreams are like the closest thing we have to magic. Anything is possible.

And the coolest part is, when it's over you just get to wake up.

~Stephanie