What Started As a Fragment, Has Ended in Roommate Sap

It's been a long time since I just talked here, since I didn't wait for a coherent idea or a fun question to wrestle with or a bunch of sappiness about Gem. I don't have any complete thoughts to share with you, just a lot of...well, fragments. At least I think they are fragments. You know how I get when I write: one thought will sometimes keep unfolding before my fingers until it's a real post. Right?

~ In three days, I will move into college for the last time. I know everyone always says this, but seriously, how was it three whole years ago that I moved in as a freshman? I was so...unhappy. I wasn't excited to be going to Campbell at all. I was mad at the perceived failure of not going to Wake Forest. I was jaded by my weird romantic relationship. I was lost in my spiritual life. It was awful. You could not pay me enough money to go back to freshman year.

{Of course, my roommate, Bekah, was actually awesome. We went to bed at the same time, watched the same TV shows, liked the room at the same temperature, listened to the same music, needed the same motivation to go to the gym. She was gorgeous and funny and did not care for drama. I'm convinced it was the most successful random roommate pairing of all time. But other than her, life as a freshman mostly sucked.}

But now? Now I am Happy.

My suite mates are the college girl friends everyone promised I would find. They're the people who will go with me to Walmart at 2 o'clock in the morning because I need frozen pizza. They're the people who will just sit down in the hallway with me and hang out there because I'm too stressed and depressed to make it to the living room. They're the people who I can take stupid BuzzFeed quizzes with for hours. They're the people whose opinions matter to me, whether about my earrings or my dinner decision or my boyfriend.

I hope I will be friends with them for the rest of my life; but if I'm not, if we drift apart and fall out of contact, I will never forget them. I will look back on "college" and hear us laughing and feel us walking across campus and remember us dancing and smile at our late night talks.

Gosh, I'm going to miss them. I'm going to miss congregating in one our rooms to pick out clothes for the next day. I'm going to miss "family dinners" where Harley makes chicken or spaghetti and the rest of us throw together some sides. I'm going to miss movie nights where we talk over most of the dialogue. I'm going to miss messing with each other and memorizing all the weird quirks and habits to make living together as easy as possible.

Harley doesn't let anyone touch her blankets.
Allison wears camis under everything, even T-shirts.
Mary is always cold.
Harley loves Captain America.
Allison loves Ed Sheeran.
Mary loves Baby Groot.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is. Reminiscing, I guess. But it could also serve as a reminder to y'all and to my future self that things get better. Freshman year sucked. But I didn't run away; I stuck it out, and my life is beautiful now.

If I had left Campbell, every single thing about my life would be different. I wouldn't have my suite mates, I probably wouldn't be dating Gem, and I wouldn't have had such amazing professors and therefore an amazing education. I wouldn't have had the same internships or tutoring experience or copy editing position at the paper.

Everything is worth it. My one real regret in life, the one thing I've said I would change (not getting into Wake Forest) has ceased to be a regret. It is hard to say that given a do-over I wouldn't apply to Wake Forest. But it is a no-brainer to say that I am overjoyed to have gone to Campbell.

Senior year, I'm {getting} ready for you.

~Stephanie

 Freshman

 Sophomore

 Junior

 A few weeks ago XD

The Sixteen Loves

Gem and I were talking about the definition of "love" the other day. We agree that it is a choice, but I also now believe that it can be FELT, for sure. There are so many different kinds of love, but only one word for it.

Together we mourned the reality of English's insufficiency, and the linguistic ineptitude of those who use it. {Actually, I ranted like that and he agreed and offered statements like "I am gonna make my own language. With blackjack. And hookers." #Futurama}

But he really did inspire me to define all the many, most common uses of the word "love." I took it as both a challenge and a personal exploration exercise--and we know how those things turn out here on Peripeteia.

I give you...my Sixteen Kinds of Love.

1. The God Love - That love we can't understand because we're not, like, God. The totally unconditional, infinitely the patient, inconceivably complete love of our unfathomable Creator.

2. The Family Love - I understand that some peoples' families suck, and that sometimes friends are just like family. However, I actually believe that there is a love for actual blood family {and, like, legally adopted kids} that cannot be duplicated or substituted. I'm sorry, but I am never, ever going to love someone in the frighteningly fierce, protective, unconditional, self-sacrificing way I think I love my sister. I love her the most of anyone in the world, and her going to Europe has only made that more clear to me. In my mind, this is the highest form of love on earth.

3. The Best Friend Love -  It's the adamant loyalty, the absolute comfort. When there is someone who you can be rude to, but still not live without. The person who has seen you at your worst, but can still make you believe your best. This love is both casual and astonishingly resilient. The total opposite of the word "fragile."

4. The Love of Ideals - It's theoretical. It's personal. It's lofty. It's fixed. It's a lifestyle. It's a choice. It's a calling. Your love of Truth, Freedom, Responsibility, Mercy, Justice, Peace, Joy--whatever it might be--is a very real and legitimate Love. It shapes your soul.

5. The Rational Love - The love that kicks in when you're angry or frustrated or disappointed in someone. You have FELT true love for them, and intellectually realize that you do, but at the moment you have to rely solely on that fact because you don't currently LIKE the person.

6. The Fun Love - You've been dating for months. You've already seen each other without makeup/in basketball shorts. You've heard a lot of dirty secrets. You've watched a lot of movies and TV shows. You "get"each other in an effortless, smile-inducing way. Fun Love surfaces when you catch an eye-shining moment that makes you beam at someone, and it's like a lamp is turned on in your chest. It makes you want to laugh or hug the person, because you're just simply so EXCITED about BEING WITH THEM at that particular moment. You realize that you still love this person's company, that you'd still rather read a dictionary with him/her than go rollerskating with someone else, that you still think they're funny. It's light and fun and the brightest form of love I know.

7. The Gentle Love - The kind of love that comes from the heart of your soul and is reflected in your eyes when you look at that person. The kind of love that makes you cover someone with a blanket when they're asleep, or brush a tear off someone's face. A Gentleness so intense and clear that it's almost rough.

8. The Mushy Love - The kind of love that makes people text sappy things and stare into each others eyes and touch each others cheeks and sometimes gush to their friends about how amazing so-and-so is.

9. The Animal Love - Without becoming too graphic, this is the kind of writhing, white-hot, blinding, blood-rushing, desperate, gasping, teeth-gritting, nail-clawing sort of love that results in the creation of babies.

10. The Real Misspoken Love - This applies to inanimate objects that you legitimately love, even though you realize that "love" should only be used for people. For example, I Really Misspokenly Love the book Tex, and my dad's old Taurus, and--holy shit--my baby blanket, RB. Like, I would probably kill live animals in defense of those things, especially the latterest. Like, no question about it.

11. The Crush Love - This applies to unattainable hott actors as well as cute "real" guys/girls you barely know but get butterflies about.

12. The Mental Love - When you fall in love with someone's mind. This usually doesn't last long, because it morphs into one of the other kinds of love. But it is possible--for a short while--to be totally caught up in someone's impressive intellect.

13. The Preppy Love - "Oh my god, I LAHHHHHV himmmmmmmah." Used when you know someone well enough to notice that they have qualities that are universally appealing, like a cute smile or a love of animals or a way with parents. This Love applies to 80% of loves formed in private schools, cheer squads, and expensive youth camps.

14. The Misspoken Love - This applies to inanimate objects, like ice cream and Converse shoes. You feel strongly about your feelings towards a particular thing, but if pushed, you would admit that "love" is probably an inappropriate verb to use here.

15. Obsession/Infatuation - Everyone knows this one. When you dedicate an unhealthy amount of energy and brain space to a particular person. This is the kind of Love a stalker feels, as well as girls who are overly aware of a guy's biceps, or a guy of a girl's breasts. It's like Crush Love, but creepier and based on even less.

16. Addiction - *wince* This belongs here, as Gem pointed out to me. Anyone who's ever been addicted knows the powerful hate/love relationship with their poison of choice. Of course you hate that it controls you--and you might even hate the thing itself--but you love it because you keep. going. back. and there's a part of you that won't let go.

~Stephanie

Three Tap Touch

We all {though Urban Dictionary says mostly males} do it , and I really thought we all knew the name for it, but apparently it's less well-known than I thought. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to educate the masses. {By posting on a small blog that isn't even listed on my profile anymore. That's right.}

The three tap touch:  "The ritual performed...before leaving the house/apartment/room/living space...to check for the presence of phone, keys, and wallet. Usually done by touching the front right, front left, and then back right pocket in succession to ensure said items are still in your damn pants." - Urban Dictionary.

My lovely friend James could use a good course in TTT-ing. In the six months I've been good friends with him, he has lost his wallet at his apartment, my home, and a grocery store {it was left in the cart}. He also routinely leaves it behind places, like at a cash register, locked in his Jeep, or his uncle's house in Baltimore.

That last instance is actually in the process of occurring.

Cassidy, my sister Sarah, and James drove six hours to see the Orioles {right?} play in Baltimore on Wednesday. They've been staying at his uncle and aunt's place on kind of a mini vacation. They were supposed to leave early this morning, so I texted Sarah at about 10am.

"On the road again?"

Sarah:  "Yes and no. James forgot his wallet. We're going to have to go back."

Considering they were supposed to leave "early," meaning probably 8 or 9, the neglected wallet is probably costing them two to four hours on the road XD

Me:  "I can't believe you didn't enforce the three tap touch. It's like you've never met James :P"

Sarah:  "The what?"

And thus. This post.

I hope you leave your computer enlightened and reminded always to tap yourself thrice before leaving your home, a grocery store, a cash register, your car, or your uncle's house in Baltimore.

~Stephanie

Creative Truth-Telling

Connotations (how a word makes us feel) versus Denotations (what the word simply means). For example, "rich" and "affluent" mean basically the same thing. However, "rich" has a tangible, golden connotation, whereas "affluent" sounds much more elegant and elevated.

Playing with connotations/denotations is such a lovely, dangerous game. Everyone should know how to do it a little bit, because along with classic honesty, sometimes it's important to be able to slant things positively.

For instance, what if you're trying to get a high-maintenance friend a date, or write a recommendation letter for a difficult person? {Or what if you're trying to portray your crush's awesome love interest in a less poetic light? Not that anyone would ever do that...} You might want to have some handy synonyms in the front of your mind...

Here are some words with the same (or similar enough) denotations, but very different connotations:

Negative ~~ Positive
Aggressive ~~ Energetic
Arrogant ~~ Confident
Cowardly ~~ Cautious
Emotional ~~ Sensitive
Foolish ~~ Innocent
Impulsive ~~ Spontaneous
Judgmental ~~ Analytical
Lazy ~~ Relaxed
Narrow-minded ~~ Careful Thinker
Shallow ~~ Socially Aware
Stubbornness ~~ Steadfastness
Tactless/Outspoken ~~ Straight-Forward
Timid ~~ Unassuming
Vain ~~ Self-Aware

John is outspoken, vain, and stubborn. He judges people too harshly and is completely obsessed with materialistic things.  His impulsiveness make it hard to plan things well, but he's so pigheaded that he won't let anyone change his mind.

~~

John is straight-forward, self-aware, steadfast. He analyses effectively and is very economically aware. His spontaneity makes life exciting, and his steadfastness can make him a valuable ally.

~Stephanie

Psychic Apples

All my life, I´ve read the "Betsy-Tacy" books, which is this fun series set in the early 1900s about a girl very much like me. When the girls are freshmen or sophomores in high school, they´re at a party and they play a game to reveal how a girl feels about a guy, or what´s going to happen between a certain girl and guy.

For the game, everyone eats an apple down to the core. Then you break your apple core (or a friend´s apple core) and say the name of the male to be explained. You count the seeds inside and recite this rhyme:

One, I love.
Two, I love.
Three, I love, I say.
Four, I love with all my heart.
Five, I cast away.
Six, He loves.
Seven, She loves.
Eight, They both love.
Nine, He comes.
Ten, He tarries.
Eleven, He courts.
And Twelve, he marries.

If you have more than twelve apple seeds in your core, you start over.

I love, love, LOVED playing this game with my apples when I was twelve or so. The apple was never wrong. Yes, I did love my best friend´s older brother, but did I really need an apple core to tell me that? Who knows. I guess I thought I did. I can´t remember ever getting any readings that were a revelation.

In the past couple of weeks, I´ve become obsessed with apples. I eat them all the time. They are my snack of choice, which is a lot better than chips. Unless, like, I want chips. Then I eat chips. But apples appeal to me surprisingly more often now.

Early into this college round of apple-eating obsession, I bit all the way into the core and saw some seeds and remembered this rhyme. I thought I would share it. It always makes me smile, and my stomach flutter if I ever break a core for anyone.

I did go ahead and play the game, and have been playing every time I eat an apple since. Still no revelations.

The apples know.

- Stephanie

When Stephanie Proofreads

Sure, I'll proofread your paper! I'm an English nerd; I kinda like this stuff C:

Mmmmmkay. You just used every form of there/they're/their in the same paragraph. None of them are correct. Not one time.

Then =/= Than. "Mr. Darcy was more proud then Elizabeth." I highly doubt Mr. Darcy was initially arrogant before morphing into Elizabeth.

THERE ARE TWELVE INSTANCES OF "THEY/THEM" IN THIS SENTENCE AND THREE POSSIBLE SUBJECTS. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO READ A SENTENCE WITH THIS QUANTITY OF DANGLING MODIFIERS?

 

 Okay yeah. I've read that sentence five times and I still don't know what you're saying. *deep breath* Read number six...

Oh god. You said "heroin." Heh. You just called Elizabeth Bennett a narcotic analgesic.

Awww yis. Subject-verb agreement. That's my girl.

Every time you use an apostrophe to pluralize, a kitten dies.

 

 Okay, okay. I can do this. I do actually like this. And I actually like this person. I can do this.

 I changed my mind. You misused "literally." I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

~Stephanie

Five Ways

I'm not always the easiest person to be friends with. A lot of people plain don't like me. So if you're one of those people just looking for a way out, here is the post for you.

Five Ways To Drive Me Away:

1. Insult Adventure Time. I had a girl notice my Adventure Time shirt today. "I watched a couple of episodes," she said. "I was disappointed. Cartoon Network used to be GOOD." If I hadn't already disliked the girl, that unnecessary comment alone would have done it.

2. Point out that my feet are gross. There's nothing like hanging out with some friends and having one point out a spot of dry skin on your foot that "needs to be taken care of."

3. Use atrocious texting grammar. I can deal with the occasional "u" or ridiculous use of "lol," but when an average text from you reads "Oh lol ah that's suckys we'll better pack as much in as u can" or "Lol ye tmrw shud n fun day," I can only be but so involved with you.

4. Disrespect my musical taste. You think Linkin Park is "just noise"? That's cool. And by "cool" I mean "a rude and abominable opinion that should not be thrown at me so cavalierly."

5. Touch me excessively. I'm not a hugging person, but a Hello hug and a Goodbye hug make plenty of social sense. However, if you are constantly brushing my arm, poking my side, or--God forbid--trying to lean a body part against me, we're just not gonna work out.

What are some friendship deal-breakers for you guys?

~Stephanie

Big Picture

Day Eight: A piece of advice you have for others. Anything at all.

Keep the big picture in mind as you deal with people.

{I'm still not very good at this, but I'm starting to understand it.}

You're not going to get what you want by snapping at your mom. Even if she's being completely irritating and unreasonable, no good can possibly come of your losing it. However, if you stay calm and kind and play it right, you might actually get the outcome you hope for.

Your boss is not going to appreciate your whining about something, no matter how legitimate the complaint it. Phrase it differently; don't try to blame your boss; keep an even tone and take some responsibility. The difference in reactions you get will be drastic.

Just keep the big picture in mind. When you feel yourself about to explode into anger, remind yourself that that is not the way to get what you want. How badly do you want this? If you allow your emotions to get the best of you, you've ruined this for yourself. Be smart.

Think big picture and bite your tongue.

~ Stephanie

Also, check out my dad's blog HERE. I really like his ideas and his brief style. I don't think his blog gets the traffic it deserves. Follow it if you're interested :)

How to Remember Your Dreams

***WARNING:  I AM ABOUT TO MAKE EXCUSES.***

Gah, I missed DAY TWO of Blog Everyday. However, from the hours 9:30am to 12:17am THIS morning, I was home for exactly fifty-six seconds. {David actually timed me.} So yeah. Slack, please.

"Day Two:"  Educate us about something you know a lot about or are good at.

Mmmmkay. Most of the things I know "a lot" about will not be interesting to the general blogging public {e.g. grammatical rules, fire fairies, etc.}.

In the interest of keeping this section from turning into a novella, I will tell you some tricks {from personal experience only} on...

How To Remember Your Dreams Better

- Set alarms for increments leading up to when you actually need to get up.  I remember my dreams better if I'm snapped out of them repeatedly. It's like I need to be conscious for a moment in order for the dream to get recognized and stored in memory. So if I need to get up at 9am, I'll set alarms for 8, 8:30, and 9. Usually I'll have some cool dreams in those thirty-minute extra segments.

- Keep a notebook and pencil by your bed. Do not assume that a dream was cool/interesting/vivid/important enough to remember on your own. Jot down buzzwords the second your gain some semblance of consciousness. You don't even have to open your eyes. If you dreamed that you hijacked a bus with your baby cousin that was barreling down your driveway and then realized all your teeth had fallen out and grown into blue fuzzy flowers on the floor of the bus, just write "bus cousin teeth out fuzzy flowers." This will jog your memory enough that when you're fully awake later, the details will slowly come back to you when you read the buzzwords.

- Eat distinct food an hour or so before you go to sleep. Pizza and ice cream work really well. Of course, if you're also trying to get in better shape, probably don't try this one. Studies also show that food eaten after 9pm is harder to work off later.

Day Three:  Things that make you uncomfortable

I seem to remember actually doing this post on my own a couple of months ago. *goes to check*

Yes. There is a post called "Things That Make Me Uncomfortable." <---click that.

~Stephanie

Things to Know When Dating a Writer

1. We’re schizophrenic. Did you think I was faking it when I talk in purple and green?

2. Inspiration is urgent and cannot be ignored or postponed. I actually made Sam and myself miss a movie because I was in the middle of a short story once. Luckily he's awesome and was used to these unfortunate Things.

3. Do not interrupt while we’re writing. You know what your mom always said about "not unless someone is bleeding or the house is on fire"? Well, not even then.

4. Anything you do or say is fair game. Get used to the phrase "...I'm so gonna use that someday."

5. You must be able to think quickly. When we ask you for a synonym, drop your phone, make eye contact, and start spouting. Don't ask questions. Just go. When inspiration is flowing, there's no such thing as a minor emergency.

6. And outside of the box. Thinking like a well-adjusted twenty-year-old guy is great. However, you must also be able to think like a emotionally-abused half-elf half-fire fairy who needs a quick zinger to toss out while caught in the escape tunnel of a vicious lord's dungeon. Et cetera.

6. You must pretend with us that our characters are real. It's an unrealistic pain in the ass for us to have to preface a character's name with "the guy in my story, named." Know the story, know the people. If we give you a panicked look and whisper, "I think James just died," you better gasp and return the look. {Also be ready to console us if we start to sob.}

7. Mostly don’t laugh at anything that isn’t supposed to be funny. So you think that metaphor was cheesy. Fine. But keep the mirth to yourself. We are showing you something sacred and personal. If you laugh at it, you stab us in the heart.

8. We’re pretty…moody. Because inspiration comes and goes, so does our happiness. However, if you broke Thing #3, you brought this wrath upon yourself and I have no sympathy.

9. Daydreaming is a fragile and legitimate state. If we're sitting at the computer, totally motionless, staring off into the distance, IT DOES NOT MEAN WE AREN'T "WRITING." Chances are, we're searching for the right word, trying to ask a character a question, pondering various plot choices, or exploring the realm of possibilities. Interrupting a daydream still counts as interrupting.

10. Do NOT read over our shoulders. Holy shit. Do not ever do this. It is a complete and intimate violation of privacy. We will show you our writing if and when we become ready. We don't want you to see this pitiful sentence we're currently crafting. It's total crap right now and your body warmth is disrupting our creative process.

11. We need to be encouraged. Sometimes writing is cruel. We try so hard, and half the time our effort gets thrown in our faces. And then on top of that we realize we've thrown away six hours of our lives trying to salvage this scene. But the worst thing ever is when we show you something we're proud of and you blow it off. Don't do that. Writing is incredibly important to us, so if we're important to you, our writing should be too.

~Stephanie

Girls: How to Have Your Picture Taken

Step 1:  Have side bangs, or at least bobby pin a section of your hair back.

Step 2: Find the friend you want a picture with, stand as close to her as possible, and put your inside arms around each other.

Step 3: Put your free outside hand on your hip.

Step 4: Lean forward slightly and cock your head to the outside.

Step 5: Smile largely and sheepishly, with eyebrows raised, as if you know you're gorgeous but are trying to get more compliments by playing Devil's Advocate.

And that's all there is to it. You now know how to take girl pictures.

~Stephanie

Advise Me

I'm bad at/with emotions. I only have like five friends that I actually like. I have trouble finding a balance between coming on too strong, and not coming on at all. Until a couple of months ago, I had never legitimately dated anyone.

And do you want to know something ironic?

All my friends come to me for crush/relationship/dating advice.

I like it. As easy-going and spontaneous as I am {XD}, I enjoy the chance to advise {*cough* control *cough*} my friends. The art of weaving logic with tact and foresight is fun. I tend to think 100% with my head when it comes to making other peoples' decisions, so things usually work out pretty well.

What's really funny, though, is when I'm text-advising two friends at the same time--about each other. Josh will ask me what to say to Jane, then when he uses my advice, I'll get a text from Jane asking what to say to Josh, etc. It's like I'm conversing with myself, but it works super well because I always know what's coming XD It's like writing a story, but with actual people.

I'm such a control freak. It's terrifying, actually.

And really, what the heck? All false modesty aside, I'm good at helping people with this stuff. But it doesn't make any sense, and they have no reason to assume I would be.

Maybe they figure someone who reads so much has seen *clears throat* just about everything in the book ;) {Ooh, that was bad.} Or maybe they notice that I operate on logic most of the time and want a little of that to balance their emotions. Or maybe I've advised them before and it turned out okay.

Guys' asking me for advice make a lot more sense than girls', because I always just figure they want a female perspective.

But for whatever reason, I'm often used as a sounding board and counselor, and SO FAR I've managed not to blow it enormously. However, there's a first time for everything, and now that 80% of my friends are in relationships, it'll probably happen sometime in the near future. When that happens, I'm sure you'll be among the first to know.

But for now, let me leave you with some things I've decided about advice:

1. Find out if they WANT to be advised. Some people just want to rant and vent, and that's totally fine. You want to make sure your advice is welcome before jumping in to fix things.

2. Keep it honest, but tactful. If you HATE that crazy, controlling emo bitch he wants to date, phrase it in a neutral way that will speak to him. "I don't know her as well as you do, but I'm wary of the potential unnecessary drama that could ensue."

3. Maintain foresight. Think through your advice. Don't tell her to go out with him if you know he's been an abusive alcoholic in the past month. Don't tell him to ask her out when you know she's not interested. Don't make plans or promises for other parties. Just keep it simple and exercise common sense.

4. Make suggestions, don't give orders. Try not to sound like you have all the answers and that your way is the only way. Not only is that annoying, but it's also untrue. There are lots of strategies to every situation. Plus, what happens if your plan goes wrong? If you leave it as a suggestion, it's not as blatantly your fault :3

And there's some advice on giving advice from the girl who has no right to advise anyone XD Oh, the arrogant irony of life. And me.

~Stephanie

When You Have to Be Home Alone

For me, that sentence suggests freedom and promise and getting things done. However, for a lot of people, Being Home Alone means hours of emptiness and chilling solitude. Not to mention boredom.

But we are going to mention boredom, because that's what this post is about. How NOT to die of boredom when you're forced to face your own company for an extended period of time.

Taken from/inspired by Wiki-How.

1. Turn your radio to a new station.
2. Cook something. Mix. Match. Experiment. Explore.
3. Call a friend. Don't text. Actually call, like with your voice and everything.
4. Make lists. What makes you happy? What are some movies you want to see? What would you do with a million dollars?
4. Do something creative. It doesn't even have to be WORTH something. If you're desperate enough, something really lame becomes amazing. Take a toilet paper tube and decorate it, for sanity's sake.
5. Take a 20 minute nap.

~Stephanie

Book Etiquette Part I

Because some people just don't seem to know the rules.

When Discussing a Book

1. You're telling Johnny about a book that you love. He says he's interested in reading it.

YES:

"I liked parts of it a lot, but some of it is a little unrealistic."

-this is the only acceptable way to discuss the merit of a book with someone who hasn't read it.-

NO:

"Yeah, I liked it up until the part where Bob died."

"Well, it's good, but the escape from the Castle of Certain Doom is sort of dumb."

"But I do love this part where Bob gets together with Jill!"

2. Johnny asks you what the book is about.

YES:

"It's an adventure story about some people who have to survive in a tumultuous kingdom ruled by an evil lord, and how they deal with it."

NO:

"It's about this guy named Bob who falls in love with Jill. They get taken to the Castle of Certain Death and have to escape and stuff, but in the end Bob dies."

3. Johnny is reading a book that you love, and you want to know how far into the story he's gotten.

YES:

"What's Bob doing?"

"Where are they right now?"

-never ask about romance. there is no subtle way to do this.-

NO:

"Has Bob died?"

"Have they escaped the Castle of Certain Death?"

"Have you gotten to the kiss?"

4. You've now determined where Johnny is in the story.

YES:

*nod* "Cool. Keep reading."

NO:

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. THAT part."

"So you haven't--you don't know about--he hasn't--OH EM JEE."

5. Johnny has now finished the book.

There are no secrets now. You may now yap freely.

Further Tips Rules:

1. There is great value in speaking in page numbers.

2. When discussing the story with someone who hasn't finished the book, always speak as though you're at the same place as they are. For instance, if you know that Bob is going to stab Jill in the back in the next fifty pages, talk like you still think he's great.

3. If you can't restrain yourself from spoiling a story, do not say anything. Do not suggest books. Do not read in the first place. Leave the country. And above all, do not ever discuss literature with ME.

~Stephanie

Mediocre Valentine's Day Advice

{<<<<< There's something new over there, the Awesome Face. I've been meaning to do something like that for a while. If I find a post that made me laugh, or think, or that I believe deserves more attention, I'll link it to the Awesome Face. Check it out every once in a while.}

Happy Valentine's Day from Pandora! :D

If you have a girlfriend, make her a card {MAKE, not buy}. And spend at least 10 minutes on it. Seriously, you can spare ten minutes. That's like three commercial breaks. Go.

Ideas to Include:

- a funny drawing

- an inside joke

- something you love about her

Chocolate is also good. Pretty much always.

If you have a boyfriend, get him something that will make him laugh. It doesn't have to be big or expensive. Inside jokes work well for this, but WARNING: you have to make sure he actually remembers the joke XD {And if he doesn't, be a good sport and just laugh it off yourself. Don't chew him out, for St. Valentine's sake.}

OR. Just go the candy rout. Candy is great.

Aaaand if you're single, don't be bitter. It doesn't make you seem tough. It makes you seem pathetic.

:D Have an awesome day!

~Stephanie

Life Hacks

Ingenious ways to make life better with little effort involved.

How to Get Out of the House on Time: Make your playlist the same length as the amount of time you have to get ready. Go from chill songs to more energetic. You'll be able to tell how you're doing on time by the song playing.

Buy Some Time: Need more time writing that paper? Grab a jpg, mp3 or some other media file and rename it "My Awesome Essay.doc" and send it to your professor. The "paper" will look "corrupt" and it'll buy you a day or two more.

Keep Motivated: If there's something big you need to get done, tell all your friends you're going to do it. The fear of looking like an ass helps keep you motivated.

Free Phone Charger: Next time you lose your phone charger, don't buy another one. Go to a hotel and say you think you lost it there. It's the #1 most left behind item at hotels, so most places have a big bin filled with every phone charger imaginable.

Free Hotel Reservations Cancelation: If you've got hotel reservations and need to cancel, but you're already within however many days prior to arrival your cancelation policy stated, just reschedule for a future date, call back, get a different rep and cancel free of charge!

Combat Acne: Persistent acne can be almost universally reduced or cured by sleeping with a freshly washed towel over your pillow.

Extend a Remote's Range: If you are opening a gate with a remote, and are a bit out of range, but it under your chin pointing upward. Your skull is a close enough approximation to a parabolic reflector to direct some extra energy forward giving you extra distance.

Go Straight to Your Floor: In an elevator, press the desired floor and door close button at the same time. No matter what other floors have been pushed, you will go directly to your floor.

I'm gonna have to try some of these :D

~Stephanie

Girls Ask Guys...

and Guys Ask Girls. Theoretically XD It ended up more like I asked all my girl friends for guy questions, and all my guy friends for girl questions. I didn't get a lot of contributions from Pandora, with the exception of Jay. {Thanks!} Anyway, here's what I've got:

First, what have guys always wanted to ask girls?

1. Why do girls do things that drive them crazy? {This has to do with the fact that I read the blog of this blogger that I hate even though it makes me want to kick a kitten through an electric fan.}

Um. Good question. In the particular instance of the blog, it's almost like an addiction, an obsession. It's like I check the blog to make sure I still hate it. I need more justification for my rage.

I think that's true about most things that drive us crazy that we do anyway. But...I'm really not sure.

2. Why do girls go to the bathroom in groups?

1) To talk about you. {Haha--no. Seriously.} But not necessarily in a creepy, gossipy way. We might be talking about how much we like you. Bathrooms are like the Girls Only Club you weren't invited to in second grade. It's where we can exchange quick fears and any developments that have happened since the last time we could talk to each other.

2) To talk about other embarrassing or awesome things of a secretive nature that have happened. We don't necessarily want the entire world to know you finally confronted that beeotch about what she said last week, but it's too great not to share with SOMEONE.

3) To share make up. I don't really do this a lot because I'm paranoid of getting some rare eye disease, but a lot of my friends do. If a massive zit just rose up on your nose and you don't have cover-up, chances are one of your friends has your back.

3. What are some pet peeves girls have about guys that you never tell us?

Hm. Well, personally I hate it when a guy compliment me on my looks TOO much. I know that seems weird, but for some idiots it's like that the only thing they can find to talk about. Guess what? If you like me because I had a good hair day and completely ignore the fact that I'm a writer, I will not date you. Ever.

4. Why do girls make their boyfriends go shopping with them?

1) Girls think it will be a bonding experience.

2) Girls like to have their boyfriends involved in their lives, and shopping seems like an intimate environment to get to know each other.

3) Girls want to get things their boyfriend will like.

4) It seems cute and domestic.

5) I don't think I would do it. I mean, I understand all the reasons above, and somewhat agree with them, but I feel like it's just sort of...cruel. And it pisses me off when I see girls hauling their boyfriends around by the arm, demanding that they choose which jeans look better. Ugh. He probably doesn't care that much, and whichever pair he picks will most likely be the wrong one. Why put him through that?

5. Are women just as confused about their emotions as guys are?

Ehhh. Yes. Well, no. We're not JUST AS confused as you guys; we understand them better than *that* ;P But yeah, a lot of times we feel depressed or upset for no good reason, and it's quite frustrating. It's like there are two sides of our brains battling: the rational part that knows nothing should be making us feel this way, and the other part that wants to go read sappy journal entries and feel depressed over them.

Which...okay, doesn't make sense.

But then there are all the times when we get pissed off and it seems confusing to you because you missed something that seems obvious to us. Like not showing up when you promised, or telling us you don't care about something that's important to us, or forgetting something that we've told you a million times. Then no, we are not confused in the least XD

6. What are the biggest pressures girls face today?

There's always the age-old pressure to look perfect, but I think now there's actually pressure from other girls to be "tough." For a long time, the pressure was for girls to be ladylike and docile, but I think the pendulum has swung the opposite way, and hard. At least for me, I feel like girls constantly look down on others for wanting a guy to protect them etc.

Girls' turn XD Thanks Jay, Sam, and Aaron for helping with our questions!

1. What's the scariest question for a guy to get?

Aaron: If fear no questions.

Jay: What are you thinking?

Sam: Can I just say something?

2. What is the biggest turn-off in a girl?

Aaron: Selfishness.

Jay: Self-involvement. Being fake.

Sam: Being a stupid slut? Also, clingy. Too much is bad, not enough is bad XD

3. Do guys really try to figure girls out?

Aaron: Sometimes.

Jay: Yes we do, but then we get frustrated and give up. We are usually surprised by the different way in which girls react to the same event as guys. Something that we thought would make you laugh made you cry, or something we thought was no big deal made you have a near meltdown over. After trying and failing we just give up and eventually become too lazy to ever try again.

Sam: More or less. I've given up on it.

4. How do you feel about girls asking guys out?

Aaron: Totally fine.

Jay: Perfectly fine, although it must be done in the right way. If a girl is going to ask a guy out, she has to come across very casual, nothing clingy, desperate or crazy. At the same time she has to make it obvious enough that even us oblivious ones can read the signs. She should also be prepared for some people to imply she’s a boy chaser if she does.

Sam: It doesn't really happen much, but I'd be okay with it.

5. Girls can tell when another girl is pretty. Why can't guys tell when another guy is hot? Or can you?

Aaron: Not really, no.

Jay: Guys can tell but we’re afraid to do it. Most of it comes from a straight guy’s fear of being called gay, or of our own insecurity. But yes we can tell, and it usually makes us jealous.

Sam: Absolutely. I'm really good at it. All the time. At work, I'll talk to my friend Josh, point out hot chicks, and be like "Dude, would you?" And then I'll go talk to the female waitresses and be like "Dude. Red shirt, table 4, (*it's a guy*) would you hit that?"

6. Which is more important, the eyes or the smile?

Aaron: Smile usually makes the eyes prettier. So smile.

Jay: I really want to say both, but if I had to pick I’d say the smile.

Sam: Smile.

7. Does girls' crying freak you out?

Aaron: Nope.

Jay: The crying of girls in general, yes. We don’t process our own emotions well and so the honest expression of whichever emotion has lead to the crying freaks us out. However if the crying girl is our girlfriend, then we instinctively go into “I need to fix the problem” mode which isn’t what you needed in the first place. Likely all you wanted was someone to listen and sympathize. And if it’s fake crying just to make a scene or get your way just….don’t.

Sam: No, but screaming does.

8. Does acne bother you?

Aaron: Not really.

Jay: Everybody would be happier without it, but no.

Sam: Massive amounts, yes. Otherwise, Idgaf.

9. Is skinny better?

Aaron: Yes, as long as she's not a stick figure.

Jay: This is really getting into ‘eye of the beholder’ territory, but generally no. Someone who is healthy and who is somewhat secure with how they look is attractive. Personally, a girl’s fitness is more attractive than whether she’s ‘skinny’ or not.

Sam: Very loaded question. Fat is bad. That's what I'll say. I don't find fat chicks attractive. i know some great ones, but they're not...hot.

10. How do you feel when a girl tells you "nothing" is wrong?

Aaron: That's girl-code for "something's really wrong."

Jay: Relieved and anxious. Relieved because it means we might not have to put forth the effort to have a serious talk with you. Anxious because any guy with a little bit of sense or experience knows you’re lying. We don’t know what’s actually wrong, if it’s with you, us, the relationship, or something else, but we know something is. We’re also afraid to press you to tell us more and so we don’t, and you probably resent us for it. Honestly, we’d rather you just tell us. What’s the point of saying ‘nothing’?

Sam: Same as when question #1.

11. Are you now scared stiff after answering all of these questions?

Aaron: See Answer #1.

Jay: Nope, this was fun. Great idea Stephanie!

Sam: Um, no?

~Stephanie

How to Kill a Spider

There are three types of people in the world: those who fear little spiders, those who fear big spiders, and the insane.

I belong primarily to the second type, but I'm not a huge fan of anything with 8 legs. Unless you belong to the third type, you've most likely had to face an arachnid at one time or another. These {relatively} simple 7 steps should help you in your quest to overcome the 8-legged terrors of the world.

Step 1: Locate spider. You walk into the room. And something. Just. Doesn't. Feel. Right. *cue Darla music {HERE and press 3}* SPIDER!

Step 2: Classify spider. {This will help you in Step 4.} For our intents and purposes, there are four spider types: the speck spider {those tiny sand-colored ones}, the average black {creepy, but fairly common and not especially threatening}, the big kind {holy sh*t that sucker is SIZABLE}, and the REALY BIG kind {think tarantula}.

If the spider is on the move, proceed directly to Step 4.

Step 3: Observe surroundings. {This will also help you in Step 4.} Open Floor, Wall, Ceiling, Floor-Wall Edge, Bed or Among Your Stuff.

Step 4: Select weapon. There are a wide variety of possible weapons, but I'll stick to the basics: tissue/toilet paper, shoe or book.

The choice here can depend on your level of bravery, but as a GENERAL RULE I recommend using the tissue for Speck Spiders, the Shoe for the Average Black, a book for the Big, and your father/brother/random male off the street for the Really Big.

If the spider is a Speck or Average and on the Open Floor or the Wall, proceed to Step 5.

If the spider is in a difficult location such as the Ceiling, Bed, Among Your Stuff or Floor-Wall Edge or if it's Big, extra tools may be involved.

Ceiling: Grab a chair.

Bed: Grab a piece of paper or a flip-flop.

Among Your Stuff: Make sure you have something in both hands.

Floor-Wall Edge: Make sure your shoe has a narrow edge.

Big or Really Big Spider: Grab a large book {Dictionaries or Encyclopedias work well.}

Step 5: Act quickly. Psyching yourself up for this is not an option. You are not asking your dream date to the prom here, you are removing a vicious predator from your living quarters. Hesitation will only prolong your suffering, and the longer you wait the harder it will be. ACT. NOW.

If you are dealing with a spider on the Open Floor or Wall, make quick use of your weapon of choice. A quick, insulated grab with several tissues or a nice solid whack with a shoe is the way to go. If it is a Big Spider on the Open Floor, feel free to use the tissue or shoe, but you may find a book to be the best option. Position yourself as close to the spider as possible and dangle the book over it at as close range as you dare. Drop the book onto the spider. Your work here is finished for the day. In 24 hours check back and continue with Step 6 at that point.

If you are dealing with a spider on the Ceiling, Bed, Among Your Stuff or Floor-Wall Edge {the following instructions are the same for all spider sizes}...

Ceiling: Get on a chair and kill the spider with your weapon of choice.

Bed: Use the piece of paper or flip-flop to gently brush the spider onto the floor. No one likes to sleep with arachnid guts. Then use your weapon of choice to beat the life out of it.

Among Your Stuff: There are two ways to go about this. You can either try to move your things for a clear shot, or you can use your stuff as additional weapons. Either way, adrenaline is your best friend in these situations. Just get in there and kill the thing any way you can.

Floor-Wall Edge: If you're using a tissue, pound it. If you're using a flip-flop or other kind of shoe, smash the spider with the edge of the shoe and rub back and forth. Don't be alarmed if you have to repeat this a couple of times. Floor-Wall Edge spiders are difficult to get a good angle at.

Step 6: Gain closure. You know you won't be able to sleep until you have some closure on this. Throwing the guts in a trash can is okay for some, but you may feel better knowing the beast has been flushed away somewhere deep and far under the ground. I suggest gathering the crushed enemy in a tissue/toilet paper and flushing the sucker in the toilet. If it's too big to deal with or you're especially squeamish, feel free to place a Dictionary or Encylopediea over the spider's body until further notice.

Step 7: Recover. Deep breathing and gently consoling yourself out loud can be extremely effective. Make tea. Sing a lullaby. Find your old baby blanket. Whatever works.

~Stephanie