I'm angry that I have to be away from home.
I saw pictures of a couple of friends on Facebook today. They're going to community college, so they still have their friends, their families, their favorite stores. They're getting an education and keeping the people they love. They don't have to live at home but can go back any time they want.
I'm outrageously jealous. I'm inappropriately angry.
Then there's Bekah, my roommate.
"It was nice to see people," she said yesterday. "But after a couple of days I was ready to come back. I just like the people so much better here. I don't have anybody back home who I really call a 'best friend.'"
Well, that's great. I'm genuinely happy for her to love college so much more than her life at home.
But I'm not that lucky. I have a best friend who's the other half of my brain, heart, soul, and body. I have a boyfriend who makes every minute delightful adventure. I have a sister who's growing up without me.
And I come here, and... I eat lunch with people who are fun in a shallow, boring way. I study for classes that are 80% busywork and 20% actual brain power. I sleep some, I eat a lot, I work out, I pass up offers to go play poker. And that's my life.
What the fuck. High school was twice as challenging and a thousand times more fulfilling than this. It's not that I'm homesick. I'm not sad. I'm angry. I'm furious. I'm absolutely pissed off.
I don't want to be here. I want to go home. I want to be where my life is. I want to go back to where I know I belong. This cannot be where I'm meant to be.
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