Monday, October 15, 2012


I'm angry that I have to be away from home.

I saw pictures of a couple of friends on Facebook today. They're going to community college, so they still have their friends, their families, their favorite stores. They're getting an education and keeping the people they love. They don't have to live at home but can go back any time they want.

I'm outrageously jealous. I'm inappropriately angry.

Then there's Bekah, my roommate.

"It was nice to see people," she said yesterday. "But after a couple of days I was ready to come back. I just like the people so much better here. I don't have anybody back home who I really call a 'best friend.'"

Well, that's great. I'm genuinely happy for her to love college so much more than her life at home.

But I'm not that lucky. I have a best friend who's the other half of my brain, heart, soul, and body. I have a boyfriend who makes every minute delightful adventure. I have a sister who's growing up without me.

And I come here, and... I eat lunch with people who are fun in a shallow, boring way. I study for classes that are 80% busywork and 20% actual brain power. I sleep some, I eat a lot, I work out, I pass up offers to go play poker. And that's my life.

What the fuck. High school was twice as challenging and a thousand times more fulfilling than this. It's not that I'm homesick. I'm not sad. I'm angry. I'm furious. I'm absolutely pissed off.

I don't want to be here. I want to go home. I want to be where my life is. I want to go back to where I know I belong. This cannot be where I'm meant to be.


1 comment:

  1. I get that way sometimes.. pissed at the situation I'm in (of course you know that, you read my blog.). It sucks. Sometimes I really hate being the youngest. Having my sisters live so far away. their babies growing up without me. But you know what I've realized (something that's helped me more recently..)? God put me here for a reason. I've been through/going through my share of heartache.Every single feeling.. action.. everything.. that I've experienced has made me who I am today.
    And when I shut out all the lies Satan tells me.. I really do love ME. So dig deep. If you don't love who you are, then you need to ask God to help you. Because when you love who you are, you can be happy in any situation.
    I'm prayin for you. Text/ call if you ever need or want to talk.