After nineteen years of being told "you worry too much," "you care too much," "don't be so uptight," and "just chill out," it is incredibly strange to be repeatedly accused of the opposite.
It's true. I don't care very much anymore. Not in a depressed, sleeping all day, refusing to wear real clothes kind of way, but in a spontaneous, shallow, slightly cynical way. I don't want to tell anyone that I love them anymore. I don't want to make plans just to talk. I don't want to get involved in a campus ministry. I don't want to seek out counseling.
I have plenty of fun, but I'm frighteningly apathetic about things that should be important to me, including myself. Sam and Cassidy have really wanted me to talk to a counselor for a long time, for a lot of reasons, but I haven't done it.
Sam feels like I don't care enough to do what's right for me. I don't care enough to look my problems in the eye and DO SOMETHING because I'm emotionally lazy. He feels like I've lost my strong sense of direction, and even the desire to get it back.
Cassidy thinks I don't care because I don't value myself enough. I have so little respect for and confidence in myself that I don't even want to try. I see myself as a lost cause, one too weak even to strive for what's right.
I dreamed last night that Justin told me I had to be more careful of people. Just because I don't care doesn't mean I can assume no one else does either. My apathy is hurting people.
Even Sam's friend James sees it. I barely know James, but in talking to him last night, he gently told me that I can't just "wait for my conflicts to work themselves out."
Everyone has different motives and interpretations of what my issue is, but I think everyone can agree that I majorly need to get my shit together. The only problem?
I can't make myself care.
I don't want to sound like a cliche charity case, but I think Cassidy's right. I recognize that certain things I do are wrong, but I know I won't stop doing them. I sit in church and take notes, but feel nothing. It's good stuff, it really is, but I know I won't apply it. I've gone too far to save myself. I just don't think it matters anymore. I am where I am, and it's past the point where turning around will even do any good.
I know that God specializes in just such cases, but one does have to LET him. I can't meet him halfway right now. I can't meet him a fourth of the way. I don't even think I could walk with him if he took my hand. I need to be DRAGGED out of this rut, but no one can do it for me.
I wish this post were a battle cry. I wish it would end with some lines like, "But you know what? That attitude ends today. I am worth this fight, and with God's help, I can be the best Stephanie this world has ever seen."
But it won't. It'll end with "I realize that my apathy is killing me and those around me, but the thing about apathy is that you just can't care."
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