Friday, September 6, 2013


Can you unmature?

I was reading through some old blog posts today, and I have come to the conclusion that I was a more calm, peaceful, and driven Stephanie in 2011 than I am in 2013. I do things today that 2011 Stephanie would scorn. I need things today that 2011 Stephanie could live her whole life without. I want things today that 2011 Stephanie would punch me for.

Don't get me wrong, I'm loving college. I'm loving it ten times more this year than I did last year. I have more friends, am doing better in classes, and am dressing like "clothes" occurred to me more than three seconds before I walked out the door.

I'm making some choices that aren't "the best," but I'm comfortable with them. I feel like this is my time to make mistakes, do crazy things, and on occasion not give a shit for literally once in my life. I've been a tightass for nineteen years. Time to live and breathe a little? I think so. I'm comfortable with my experiments in the cavalier realm. I feel like this is a stage in life I desperately need to go through in order to put myself back together and be the best Me I can be.


I feel like I'm a little late. My whole life, I've been ahead of the game, maturity-wise {at least emotionally}. I knew what I wanted early, felt comfortable approaching adults early, and fell legitimately in love early. Peers used to frustrate me because they could never understand where I was coming from. They just weren't ever "there" yet.

But somewhere along the line--pretty recently--my internal timeline got screwy. I feel like I went from being an emotionally mature, self-motivated, calm-hearted individual to an emotionally-insecure, short-sighted, club/dance/party-loving person.

I think everyone should go through a phase of the latter. I think it's healthy and will be helpful when you try to understand life, grow into who you're made to be, and later talk to your kids about growing up.

However, I think the immature latter phase is supposed to come BEFORE the mature, content phase.

Am I wrong? Am I alone in my confusion/experience? Did I just miss my chance to experiment and have fun?

I'm honestly asking, and would greatly appreciate any council or comments you have to offer... While I'm having a great year, I'm pretty much really struggling a lot.



  1. It feels to me like you're trying to convince yourself you're okay with going backwards. You seem contradictory too. You're comfortable making decisions you know aren't the best but you say you're struggling. You sound lost to me. Whatever you decide to do, don't romanticize making mistakes and remember that some things we do when we're young will stay with us forever.

    I feel like I'm coming off strong but I can't figure out how to say it any better

  2. That happened to me. To be honestly looking back I think the time in my life I thought I was more mature, I was being dishonest, with myself, with my feelings. I was trying to be someone I was not. I wanted to believe I was this mature person, acted how I thought I should, but was not being true to myself. The "backwards" maturity was admitting to myself the places I was not yet there. Sometimes we are in too big a hurry to grow up we forget it is a process. Sure, you can dress like you are 10 years older, pull on the demeanor of someone older, but your experiences do not back up that put-on maturity level. That is not to say we have to act stupid to learn life lessons, but that we have to be honest about what we do not know. And not to be too afraid to make mistakes we make no progress.

  3. i think you're pretty normal as far as that is concerned. college is a big life changing experience and the freedom and independence you find there sometimes make your brain parts go all wonky because you've never been in a situation like it. eventually you'll learn to navigate and balance out a little bit so you feel more like You. enjoy this phase of life and don't take it too seriously, but also don't let it take too much of an advantage over you that you have to spend some time making up for some mistakes. overall i think it's just a great learning experience, and college will be over before you know so take the time now to enjoy these things because there will come a day when it's all just a memory.

  4. If you're realising it, you are mature enough to judge yourself and reflect on what you do. I think it's normal to to experiment and as long as it doesn't ruin you, well you can go on. Sometimes we have to trust our instincts.