Tuesday, July 5, 2011

How to Kill a Spider

There are three types of people in the world: those who fear little spiders, those who fear big spiders, and the insane.

I belong primarily to the second type, but I'm not a huge fan of anything with 8 legs. Unless you belong to the third type, you've most likely had to face an arachnid at one time or another. These {relatively} simple 7 steps should help you in your quest to overcome the 8-legged terrors of the world.

Step 1: Locate spider. You walk into the room. And something. Just. Doesn't. Feel. Right. *cue Darla music {HERE and press 3}* SPIDER!

Step 2: Classify spider. {This will help you in Step 4.} For our intents and purposes, there are four spider types: the speck spider {those tiny sand-colored ones}, the average black {creepy, but fairly common and not especially threatening}, the big kind {holy sh*t that sucker is SIZABLE}, and the REALY BIG kind {think tarantula}.

If the spider is on the move, proceed directly to Step 4.

Step 3: Observe surroundings. {This will also help you in Step 4.} Open Floor, Wall, Ceiling, Floor-Wall Edge, Bed or Among Your Stuff.

Step 4: Select weapon. There are a wide variety of possible weapons, but I'll stick to the basics: tissue/toilet paper, shoe or book.

The choice here can depend on your level of bravery, but as a GENERAL RULE I recommend using the tissue for Speck Spiders, the Shoe for the Average Black, a book for the Big, and your father/brother/random male off the street for the Really Big.

If the spider is a Speck or Average and on the Open Floor or the Wall, proceed to Step 5.

If the spider is in a difficult location such as the Ceiling, Bed, Among Your Stuff or Floor-Wall Edge or if it's Big, extra tools may be involved.

Ceiling: Grab a chair.
Bed: Grab a piece of paper or a flip-flop.
Among Your Stuff: Make sure you have something in both hands.
Floor-Wall Edge: Make sure your shoe has a narrow edge.
Big or Really Big Spider: Grab a large book {Dictionaries or Encyclopedias work well.}

Step 5: Act quickly. Psyching yourself up for this is not an option. You are not asking your dream date to the prom here, you are removing a vicious predator from your living quarters. Hesitation will only prolong your suffering, and the longer you wait the harder it will be. ACT. NOW.

If you are dealing with a spider on the Open Floor or Wall, make quick use of your weapon of choice. A quick, insulated grab with several tissues or a nice solid whack with a shoe is the way to go. If it is a Big Spider on the Open Floor, feel free to use the tissue or shoe, but you may find a book to be the best option. Position yourself as close to the spider as possible and dangle the book over it at as close range as you dare. Drop the book onto the spider. Your work here is finished for the day. In 24 hours check back and continue with Step 6 at that point.

If you are dealing with a spider on the Ceiling, Bed, Among Your Stuff or Floor-Wall Edge {the following instructions are the same for all spider sizes}...

Ceiling: Get on a chair and kill the spider with your weapon of choice.
Bed: Use the piece of paper or flip-flop to gently brush the spider onto the floor. No one likes to sleep with arachnid guts. Then use your weapon of choice to beat the life out of it.
Among Your Stuff: There are two ways to go about this. You can either try to move your things for a clear shot, or you can use your stuff as additional weapons. Either way, adrenaline is your best friend in these situations. Just get in there and kill the thing any way you can.
Floor-Wall Edge: If you're using a tissue, pound it. If you're using a flip-flop or other kind of shoe, smash the spider with the edge of the shoe and rub back and forth. Don't be alarmed if you have to repeat this a couple of times. Floor-Wall Edge spiders are difficult to get a good angle at.

Step 6: Gain closure. You know you won't be able to sleep until you have some closure on this. Throwing the guts in a trash can is okay for some, but you may feel better knowing the beast has been flushed away somewhere deep and far under the ground. I suggest gathering the crushed enemy in a tissue/toilet paper and flushing the sucker in the toilet. If it's too big to deal with or you're especially squeamish, feel free to place a Dictionary or Encylopediea over the spider's body until further notice.

Step 7: Recover. Deep breathing and gently consoling yourself out loud can be extremely effective. Make tea. Sing a lullaby. Find your old baby blanket. Whatever works.



  1. This is hilarious Stephanie! And I loved your post on words that you linked to. Are you planning to be a writer once you graduate?

  2. this is really great, steph. seriously. and it's funny timing because i just killed two spiders (of the common black variety) in my bathtub the other day! i went for the flip-flop and then wiped them up with toilet paper and flushed them. victory!

  3. I just had to add something. I spent the last two hours reading your older posts since I'm new to your blog. You are a greater writer than I realized, and very brave. Some of the struggles you wrote about earlier I've gone through as well and understand completely. Not all personal struggles are things your friends need to know about. And thank you so much for confirming that I'm not the only person who gets words stuck in my head as well as songs.

  4. JW: Thanks! :D I love to make people laugh, even though I honestly don't think I'm that funny. People laugh anyway XD I do plan to be a writer! And a lawyer, if that works out.

    {your later comment}:
    Oh my, really? I'm shocked and flattered that'd you would want to read for more than two minutes at a time! I really appreciate what you said. It's so strengthening to know you're not alone, and that people understand you.

    I had "placate" stuck in my head yesterday, and STILL couldn't remember how it was pronounced even after I did a post on it -_- I'm pitiful XD

    Natalie: Haha, thanks!! :D Ah, yes, the common black. So mundane, so disturbing. Kudos to you for triumphing! :D


  5. You're welcome. Your writing is the good kind of funny, intentionally. As for not being alone, I can't say I'm glad someone else struggles, but knowing someone understands is such a comfort.

    And placate is such a great word...thanks so much for making me think it :P