Speed of Sound

Thanks for following, Maroonaqua!

"If you could see it, then you'd understand."

How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before I know what it feels like?
Where To, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?

Look up, I look up at night,
Planets are moving at the speed of light.
Climb up, up in the trees,
every chance that you get,
is a chance you seize.
How long am I gonna stand,
with my head stuck under the sand?
I'll start before I can stop,
before I see things the right way up.

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand?

Ideas that you'll never find,
All the inventors could never design.
The buildings that you put up,
Japan and China all lit up.
The sign that I couldn't read,
or a light that I couldn't see,
some things you have to believe,
but others are puzzles, puzzling me.

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah when you see it then you'll understand?

All those signs, I knew what they meant.
Some things you can invent.
Some get made, and some get sent.
Birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah, when you see it then you'll understand?

{Coldplay}

~Stephanie

Hard-Won Wisdom

Hey, guys, I actually wrote a post a while ago for the Miss Unlimited website. I know. I wrote something. I didn't just shove lyrics down your throat.

If you want to check out "Hard-Won Wisdom," click HERE.

I have plans to become a legitimate blogger again. But right now, I'm just...not.

~Stephanie

The Unwinding Cable Car

"Don't you believe that you've been deceived, that you're no better than the hair in your eyes. It never disguised what you're really thinking of."

Emotive, unstable you're like an unwinding cable car
Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are
Go your own way, even seasons have changed just burn those new leaves over
So self-absorbed you've seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about

This is the correlation of salvation and love
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la
La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la

Backing away from the problem of pain you never had a home
You've been misguided, you're hiding in shadows for so very long
Don't you believe that you've been deceived that you're no better than...
The hair in your eyes, it never disguised what you're really thinking of

This is the correlation of salvation and love
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

This is the correlation of salvation and love
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart
You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart
You're so brilliant (This is the correlation)
Don't soon forget (Between salvation and love, don't drop your arms)
You're so brilliant (I'll guard your heart)
Grace marked your heart (With quiet words I'll lead you in and out of the dark)

This is the correlation of salvation and love (La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart (La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)
With quiet words I'll lead you in

{Anberlin}

~Stephanie

The Crow and the Butterfly

"Your lullabies won't let me sleep. I've never heard such a haunting melody. It's killing me. You know I can barely breathe."

I painted your room at
Midnight, so I'd know
Yesterday was over
I put all your books on the top shelf,
Even the one with the four leaf clover
Man, I'm getting older
I took all your pictures off the wall
and wrapped them in a news paper blanket
I haven't slept in what seems like a century,
and now I can barely breathe.

Just like a crow chasing the butterfly
dandelions lost in the summer sky
When you and I were getting high as outer space,
I never thought you'd slip away
I guess I was just a little too late

Your words still serenade me,
Your lullabies won't let me sleep
I've never heard such a haunting melody.
Oh, it's killing me
You know I can barely breathe

Just like a crow chasing the butterfly
dandelions lost in the summer sky
When you and I were getting high as outer space,
I never thought you'd slip away
I guess I was just a little too late

Just like a crow chasing the butterfly
dandelions lost in the summer sky
When you and I were getting high as outer space,
I never thought you'd slip away -

Like a crow chasing the Butterfly
dandelions lost in the summer sky
When you and I were getting high as outer space,
I never thought you'd slip away
I guess I was just a little too late

Just a little too late

{Shinedown}

~Stephanie

Advise Me

I'm bad at/with emotions. I only have like five friends that I actually like. I have trouble finding a balance between coming on too strong, and not coming on at all. Until a couple of months ago, I had never legitimately dated anyone.

And do you want to know something ironic?

All my friends come to me for crush/relationship/dating advice.

I like it. As easy-going and spontaneous as I am {XD}, I enjoy the chance to advise {*cough* control *cough*} my friends. The art of weaving logic with tact and foresight is fun. I tend to think 100% with my head when it comes to making other peoples' decisions, so things usually work out pretty well.

What's really funny, though, is when I'm text-advising two friends at the same time--about each other. Josh will ask me what to say to Jane, then when he uses my advice, I'll get a text from Jane asking what to say to Josh, etc. It's like I'm conversing with myself, but it works super well because I always know what's coming XD It's like writing a story, but with actual people.

I'm such a control freak. It's terrifying, actually.

And really, what the heck? All false modesty aside, I'm good at helping people with this stuff. But it doesn't make any sense, and they have no reason to assume I would be.

Maybe they figure someone who reads so much has seen *clears throat* just about everything in the book ;) {Ooh, that was bad.} Or maybe they notice that I operate on logic most of the time and want a little of that to balance their emotions. Or maybe I've advised them before and it turned out okay.

Guys' asking me for advice make a lot more sense than girls', because I always just figure they want a female perspective.

But for whatever reason, I'm often used as a sounding board and counselor, and SO FAR I've managed not to blow it enormously. However, there's a first time for everything, and now that 80% of my friends are in relationships, it'll probably happen sometime in the near future. When that happens, I'm sure you'll be among the first to know.

But for now, let me leave you with some things I've decided about advice:

1. Find out if they WANT to be advised. Some people just want to rant and vent, and that's totally fine. You want to make sure your advice is welcome before jumping in to fix things.

2. Keep it honest, but tactful. If you HATE that crazy, controlling emo bitch he wants to date, phrase it in a neutral way that will speak to him. "I don't know her as well as you do, but I'm wary of the potential unnecessary drama that could ensue."

3. Maintain foresight. Think through your advice. Don't tell her to go out with him if you know he's been an abusive alcoholic in the past month. Don't tell him to ask her out when you know she's not interested. Don't make plans or promises for other parties. Just keep it simple and exercise common sense.

4. Make suggestions, don't give orders. Try not to sound like you have all the answers and that your way is the only way. Not only is that annoying, but it's also untrue. There are lots of strategies to every situation. Plus, what happens if your plan goes wrong? If you leave it as a suggestion, it's not as blatantly your fault :3

And there's some advice on giving advice from the girl who has no right to advise anyone XD Oh, the arrogant irony of life. And me.

~Stephanie

Breaking Inside

"I don't wanna fall and say I lost it all, 'cause maybe there's a part of me that hit the wall, leaving pieces of me behind. And I feel like I'm breaking inside."

I caught a chill and it's still frozen on my skin.
I think about why I'm alone, by myself, no one else to explain.
How far do I go? No one knows.
If the end is so much better why don't we just live forever?

Don't tell me I'm the last one in line.
Don't tell me I'm too late this time.

I don't wanna live to waste another day
Underneath the shadow of mistakes I've made
'Cause I feel like I'm breaking inside

I don't wanna fall and say I lost it all
'Cause maybe there's a part of me that hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind.
And I feel like I'm breaking inside.

Out here nothing's clear
Except the moment I decided to move on and I ignited.
Disappear into the fear.
You know there ain't no coming back when you're still carrying the past.

You can't erase, separate.
Cigarette in my hand, hope you all understand:
I won't be the last one in line
I finally figured out what's mine.

I don't wanna live to waste another day
Underneath the shadow of mistakes I've made
'Cause I feel like I'm breaking inside

I don't wanna fall and say I lost it all
'Cause maybe there's a part of me that hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind, leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like I'm breaking inside

I won't be the last one in line.
I finally figured out what's mine.

I don't wanna live to waste another day
Underneath the shadow of mistakes I've made
'Cause I feel like I'm breaking inside

I don't wanna fall and say I lost it all
'Cause maybe there's a part of me that hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind, leaving pieces of me behind.
And I feel like I'm breaking inside.

And I feel like I'm breaking
And I feel like I'm breaking inside.

{Shinedown}

~Stephanie

Talk

"Brother, I can't believe it's true. I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you."

This song always makes me think of Aaron :)

Oh brother I can't. I can't get through.
I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do.
Oh brother I can't believe it's true.
I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you.
Oh I wanna talk to you
You can take a picture of something you see.
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun,
Or write a song nobody has sung,
Or do something that's never been done.

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well, I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me.

So you take a picture of something you see.
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun,
Or a write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done,
Do something that's never been done.

So you don't know were you're going, and you wanna talk.
And you feel like you're going where you've been before.
You tell anyone who'll listen, but you feel ignored.
Nothing's really making any sense at all.
Let's talk.

Let's talk.

{Coldplay}

~Stephanie

Reclusion

"My mask is growing heavy, but I've forgotten who's beneath."

There's someone inside me that softly kills everyone around
They don't know they're dead to me cause intent never makes a sound
All along they found I strangled lovers who've learned from slower hands
With these eleven minutes I could teach you what I am

You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide
You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide

There's an art in seclusion. Production in depression
If a stranger turns up missing, this song is my confession
Tell the tales of the trail of dead, lovers learn from slower hands
Losing self in myself, inner demons make demands

You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide
You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide

You're suffocating me, so very hard to breathe
My mask is growing heavy but I've forgotten who's beneath

You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide
You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide

{Anberlin}

~Stephanie

Through the Ghost

"Did you hide yourself away? I can't see you anymore. Did you eclipse another day? I used to wake up to the color of your soul."

Speak of the devil
Look who just walked into the room
The guilt-invaded
Notion of someone I once knew

All the perfects moments are wrong
All the precious pieces are gone
Everything that mattered is just
A city of dust
Covering both of us

Did you hide yourself away?
I can't see you anymore
Did you eclipse another day?
I used to wake up to the colour of your soul

Did you hide yourself away?
Are you leaving through the ghost?
Did you finally find a place
Above the shadows so the world will never know?
The world will never know you like I do

So many silent sorrows
You never hear from again
And now that you've lost tomorrow
Is yesterday still a friend?

All the bridges we built were burned
Not a single lesson was learned
Everything that mattered is just
A city of dust
Covering both of us

Did you hide yourself away?
I can't see you anymore
Did you eclipse another day?
I used to wake up to the colour of your soul

Did you hide yourself away?
Are you leaving through the ghost?
Did you finally find a place
Above the shadows so the world will never know?
The world will never know you like I do

Like I still do

Did you hide yourself away?
I can't see you anymore
Did you eclipse another day?
I used to wake up to the colour of your soul

Did you hide yourself away?
Are you leaving through the ghost?
Did you finally find a place
Above the shadows so the world will never know?
The world will never know you...

{Shinedown}

~Stephanie

Paradise

"When she was just a girl she expected the world, but it flew away from her reach and the bullets catch in her teeth."

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
So she ran away in her sleep
Dreamed of para- para- paradise
Paradise
Paradise
Every time she closed her eyes

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth

Life goes on
It gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear, a waterfall
In the night, the stormy night
She closed her eyes
In the night, the stormy night
Away she'd fly.

And dreamed of para- para- paradise
Paradise
Paradise

So lying underneath those stormy skies.
She said oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
I know the sun must set to rise.

This could be paradise
Paradise
Could be paradise

{Coldplay}

~Stephanie

Dismantle. Repair.

"The night was young and so were we. We talked about life, God, death and your family. You didn't want any promises, just my undivided honesty."

One last glance from a taxi cab
Images scar my mind
Four weeks've felt like years
Since your full attention was all mine
The night was young and so were we
Talked about life, God, death, and your family
Didn't want any promises,
Just my undivided honesty, and you said

Oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better
Oh oh, things are gonna change, oh, they're gonna change

I am the patron saint of lost causes
A fraction of who I once believed (change)
only a matter of time
Opinions I would try and rewrite
If life had background music playing your song
I've got to be honest, I tried to escape you
But the orchestra plays on, and they sang

Oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better
Oh oh, things are gonna change

Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me.
You dismantle me.

Give me time to prove
Prove I want the rest of yours (prelude)
Call this a prelude to a lifetime of you
It's not that I hang on every word
I hang myself on what you repeat
It's not that I keep hanging on
I'm never letting go.

Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

Save me from myself
Save me from myself
Help me save me from myself
Save me from myself

Oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better
Oh oh, things are gonna change

Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

{Anberlin}

~Stephanie

To See You Again

My nostalgic reading-of-old-journals has continued over the past couple of months.

I really need to quit. I don't want to claim that I write well, but I write at least well enough that I end up delusional for a while after reading my journals. Things that pissed me off two years ago get me furious again when I read about them now. After reading about a really happy or sentimental day, I end up all ridiculous and glowy. Entries that are heartbroken or talk about betrayal fill me with mistrust and rake at the scabs over my heart.

It's really a terrible idea to keep reading my journals, and I always tell Cassidy I'm going to quit. But clearly, I've been lying. *sigh* Maybe I'll quit.

{But we all know I won't.}

So far, I'm up to the fall of 2010, and today I came across a piece that really got to me. It did not make me laugh. It did not make me cry. It did not depress me. It did not empower me. So I'm not really sure how to explain what I mean "it got to me."

It's unusual. It's melodramatic. It's oddly written. I hesitate to publish it because it's so...raw. And emotional. {I used to be emotional, guys...XD} But I actually really, really like it, so I'm going to share it with you.

It's an encounter that I anticipated and wrote about two days before it happened. The actual events weren't necessarily like this. To be honest, I do not remember the actual events as much as I remember this piece I wrote predicting them.

Without further introduction, I give you

"To See You Again"

9.17.10

September 19th, 2010.

Stephanie sat there on the couch at church, talking to Cassidy, trying to stay calm. No one knew yet. She didn’t want anyone to know. Like, what if he didn’t show? People knowing would make that worse. A lot worse. She took a deep breath and continued smiling and chattering.

“So, I thought ‘como’ was used for ‘what’ like that, but I watched Finding Nemo in Spanish the other day, and—”

Cassidy’s eyes lit up with surprise. “You really did?” She smiled and laughed.

Stephanie grinned. “Yeah, I did.” Ex dee, she added in her head. Her stomach dropped through the floor. She swallowed and controlled her expression. “Yeah, so they use ‘que’ instead of ‘como’ in the movie.”

Cassidy frowned. “Oh, that’s weird; didn’t the book say—”

“Yeah, it did. But maybe that’s one of those things that people don’t follow grammatically…like a little—”

“—nuance that you only pick up when speaking it,” Cassidy finished.

Stephanie nodded. “Yeah. That’s what I was thinking. We should ask Mrs. Melanie—”

“Senora Millen,” Cassidy corrected, grinning. Stephanie laughed. Her eye caught a car coming down the road. Her stomach did the dropping thing again. It was a red Jeep.

Suddenly she felt stupid and scolded herself. Getting all worked up over a boy. I thought you promised yourself never to do that again, stupid. Stop it. Just stop it.

Easy for you to say when he’s on his way, isn’t it? You’re not so tough when you’re missing him like hell.

…I know.

“Mrs. Griffin and David say ‘que,’ don’t they?” Cassidy continued.

“I think so,” Stephanie answered, her eyes clearly focused into the parking lot. Cassidy raised her eyebrows and turned around.

“What? Who is it?”

“I…I’m not sure. Be right back.”

Cassidy’s eyes followed her questioningly. Stephanie could feel that Cassidy was guessing, and guessing correctly.

Stephanie walked to the door, trying to go slowly. What if…As she pushed open the door, her heart began pounding loudly. That’s embarrassing. What if he…whoever that is…can hear it?? It might not be him. There were other red Jeeps that came to church. Sometimes. Okay, not often, but…

For God’s sake, if you don’t chill out and stop shaking and being a complete idiot, you’re not allowed to talk to him anymore.

I know…

She could see him getting out. It was him.

Of course he’d come, how could he not come? You’re awesome.

Thanks…not really.

He walked towards her, grinning. She didn’t move. She just stood there. She could feel a smile pulling at her lips; he always did that to her. But she fought very hard to keep the smile inside this time. It wasn’t right. It had been over two months. That’s a long time.

She wanted him to speak first. One, because she thought he should, and two, because she couldn’t speak yet.

He stopped a few feet in front of her.

“Hey,” he grinned.

Why do I feel like I got the breath knocked out of me?

Because you’re a hopelessly romantic drama queen who wants to be able to write about these kinds of things so she embraces them whenever she comes across them in real life.

Oh, right. Thanks.

You’re also in love with his voice.

Also oh, right. She winced inwardly.

“Hey.” I hope this isn’t really awkward for him. Because I’m perfectly fine. I need a moment. But I don’t want him to be standing there like “Why-o-why did I ever come back?”

She looked him in the eye for a long time. She didn’t smile. He smiled bigger. Somehow, he didn’t seem awkward. He was good at that.

“Sup?” he said.

“Hm…” she said, acting like she was thinking. Oh my God. He’s here. He cares?

You what they say about assuming, chick. It makes an as—

Don’t call me a chick.

“Not much. Just talking Spanish with Cassidy.” She didn’t make any move to go back inside. She was practically embracing the awkwardness. Creating it. Feeding it. But still, she just stood there, watching him.

“Awesome…” he said.

“Yeah.”

I want to hug him. So much.

You forgive too quickly.

…I know.

She walked forwards, he walked towards her. Her heart hammered. Her last thought before they touched was Oh no, what if he can feel my heart beating??

They hugged.

She closed her lips over any sort of inappropriate breathing. Her stomach dropped through her feet and kept dropping. She didn’t want to let go. She wanted to hug him tighter. She wanted him to hug her tighter.

Retard, he doesn’t like PDA, remember? Get off of him!

She squeezed her eyes shut and pulled away, feeling like she was pulling her heart in two.

Drama queen.

I know.

She didn’t want to let go all the way. She wanted to hold his hands. He had small hands. Her fingers were longer. But she knew he wouldn’t like that. Not for real. Maybe in chat. Not in real life.

Her fingers curled into fists by her side. Why did she have to feel everything so intensely? Why couldn’t she be like every other person in the world and just hug the guy and MOVE BACK INSIDE?

“Wanna go talk Spanish with Cassidy?” she joked, swallowing her heart. It was like she could actually feel it in her throat. That huge, squeezing knot had to be something. She wasn’t just making that up.

“Alright,” he said.

She turned around quickly. The way he said that. He always said that. Like that. She loved his voice so much.

“Awesome.” It didn’t sound like her voice was breaking. That was good. She reached for the doorknob and yanked the door open. The blinds swung out and banged loudly against the door.

“Oops,” she mumbled. She hadn’t realized how hard she was jerking. It wasn’t her fault. All the hidden emotion had to go somewhere. All the emotion she’d been blocking and stamping out for two months. All the emotion that sat behind her teeth twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. All the emotion that pushed the insides of her chest until she hugged herself to keep from exploding. All the emotion that screamed inside her brain, drowning out thoughts of chemistry and algebra.

He didn’t need to know about all that. That was just her.

“Look who’s here,” she said lightly to Cassidy, going over to join her on the couch. Cassidy raised her eyebrows.

“Hey,” she said. “It’s been a while.”

“Yeah,” he said, grinning. He sat down on the couch with a loud sigh and leaned his head back.

This is where you ask if he’s tired, and he’ll tell you why he stayed up late, and you can tell him why that wasn’t smart, and pretend like everything is back to the way it used to be.

But it’s not.

I know.

~Stephanie

Johari

So, a while ago I posted the link to my Johari profile. That's a place where you select five or six personality traits that you see in yourself, then ask others to pick traits that they see in you.

It's especially interesting to see what your Blind Spots {things others see in your that you don't see in yourself} are and what's part of your Facade {things you think of yourself that others do NOT see in you}.

For myself, I picked the traits Complex, Confident, Intelligent, Logical, Reflective and Witty.

And I recently noticed something:

My Facade is empty. At least one other person has picked all of those traits to describe me. I don't think anything of myself that you all don't recognize also.

For some reason, that was really cool to me. One of my biggest goals with Pandora is to be 100% myself, and it looks like so far I'm not fooling anyone. I love that.

What's also interesting to me is my Blind Spot: the traits that I DIDN'T pick for myself, but that you guys see.

60% of you say I'm clever.

40% of you say I'm observant.

I'd love to be clever, but I didn't pick that trait for myself. The occurrence of the Observant trait, however, made me laugh.

Guys, I'm ridiculously unobservant. As in, it's actually a joke among my friends and family. You could leave my birthday presents unwrapped in the middle of the floor and I'd walk over them without noticing. My unbiological brother got a girlfriend and I didn't even pick up on it until a month into the relationship.

Then there's the Unknown category, which is filled with traits that I don't see in myself--and neither does anyone else XD I'm pleased to say that I totally agree with most of the unpicked traits especially

Adaptable

Cheerful

Giving

Patient

Quiet

Sentimental

and

Shy

I am none of those things, and I'm glad I haven't unintentionally given you the wrong impression of my character XD

Oh, except that I'm also not Modest, and I AM Proud, as evidenced by the fact I just spent an entire post talking only about myself and my personality. Self-absorbed, so it would seem.

You should make your own Johari profile. I {clearly} find it fascinating. Click HERE to do that.

If you want to maybe go pick the Proud trait for me after reading this, click HERE. Don't worry about offending me. Sensitive isn't one of my traits XD

~Stephanie

I'm Afraid

"Don't be scared."

I just said that to myself, out loud, as I sat down to write this post.

I don't have anything mind-blowing to tell you, or really anything to tell you at all. But I haven't been blogging, and I've been oddly afraid to start back. I haven't been writing my stories either, and I'm paralyzed with terror to start back. I'm also afraid to look for a job, prepare to lead this camp next Monday, and get my things in order for college. I'm just...scared.

I've never wanted to grow up. A lot of people wait their whole lives to be sixteen, eighteen, twenty-five, but I've never wanted to be an adult. I had an amazing childhood. I ran away from a pirate ship, discovered Narnia, started an orphan gang, had thirteen siblings, and learned to fend for myself in Arabia. Seriously, what's not to love? Who would want to grow up and leave behind that amazing life?

I did a pretty good job of not growing up until I was about fifteen. Then I abruptly abandoned the outspoken nerdiness and rude bossiness that had defined me as a kid. I decided it would be a good idea to be ABLE fit into society, even if I occasionally chose not to.

That personal project went fine. I did fit in better. I was less of a bookworm, less of a snobby nerd. I started looking better, too. Cutting my waist-length brown hair still makes the list of Top Five Best Decisions I Ever Made.

I grew up a LOT in the years between fifteen and now, though. That's probably a result of stunting my maturity during the years leading up. I learned things in those years that I'd be happy not to know and did things I wish I could take back.

But I did get caught up on maturity, and now I think I'm a relatively normal eighteen-year-old girl. Maybe a little bit smarter. Maybe a lot more afraid.

I thought I was ready for life after high school. I mean, it never actually occurred to me that I might NOT be. Freaking out and spiraling into the abyss of apathy wasn't something that had crossed my mind until a few months ago when it started happening.

All around me, people have grown up and gone to college in one smooth, classy, controlled step. Whether they headed to an ivy league school, a university or a community college, I had never witnessed anyone seem wildly unsure or incapable of making steps towards their future.

Until me.

Little by little, in a slow fade, I feel like I've unraveled. The dream-recording went first, followed by my writing. I stopped making my bed every morning. I forget to feed my dog. I don't get up to work out. I eat random crap. I don't take pictures. I don't put away my laundry. I don't answer my emails. I don't blog thoughtfully.

Everything that I used to do has fizzled out. I want to get it all back, but when I think about trying to resume...

I'm afraid.

I freak out inside at the thought of pursing a job. My chest tightens when I consider writing six words of a story. A crushing depression consumes me when I think about getting my life back in order.

I'm afraid.

What if I can't do it? What if I've forgotten how to write well? What if I can't find a job? What if I've lost all my physical fitness and have to start at square one? What if going to college is harder than I expect?

I'm afraid.

I'm paralyzed with fear. I'm a loser; I'm a bum; I'm on my way to being that person that grows up on her mother's couch and squanders any potential she ever had. That scares me. A lot. But right now, trying to prevent it scares me more.

I never thought this would be me. My whole life I've had it all together. I've been smart, talented, confident, determined, able to take on the world--and I planned to. But now I'm face to face with the world, and it's staring me down with fierce, taunting eyes and I cower away, afraid.

This isn't how I thought I would be. This isn't what I expected of myself. When did this happen? How did this happen?

I was sort of wandering around my room today, trying to do SOMETHING productive, when something in me almost...convulsed. The fierce, angry, determined part of me named "Ember" flared up and snapped,

"Stop this. What are you doing to me? It's disgusting. I deserve more respect than this."

It was the weirdest thing. It was a piece of me I hadn't heard in a long time--and she was right.

What am I doing, guys? This apathetic shell has grown over the brightness I used to have, trapping and suffocating it. Ember doesn't deserve that. How DARE I repress her this way? What am I doing by not doing ANYTHING?

I don't deserve to have that done to me.

The old me is still in here--she just said so--and she doesn't deserve to be snuffed out. I don't know who the apathetic loser is or how she got here, but it's about time for her to step the fuck aside and let Ember back out.

Apathy is not working for me. It's miserable. I hate it. There is nothing about laziness that I enjoy.

"I don't know how I got this way; I know it's not alright. So I'm breaking the habit"--now. And the first step is ceasing to be afraid. I can't be afraid to try or I'll end up--like I have. It's about time I hand the reigns over to the part of me that can make things happen. And the first step is admitting all this. So here I am.

"Don't be scared..."

~Stephanie

Graduation Party

I'm going to try to get back into blogging every day. But I don't have any posts scheduled, so that means I have to ACTUALLY BLOG EVERY DAY. And right now, I have ten minutes until it's not today anymore. So this is going to be rather...pathetic.

Tonight was my graduation party, and it was awesome. It was like prom, but a lottttttttt more fun and I wore a shirt with a tiger on it. I had more friends who would dance with me, and Sam didn't have food poisoning, which is always a good thing.

In fact...

BAD THINGS ABOUT TONIGHT:

~ A mom chewed me out for not wearing a dress D: I did wear shorts and a nice top, so I didn't think it'd be a big deal. But to her it was. Sorry, Emma's Mom.

~ I haven't decided if I think I was really obnoxious yet. I was pretttttttty caffeinated.

~ They couldn't play "Low." Apparently it's inappropriate. Pshh....no... >.>

GOOD THINGS ABOUT TONIGHT:

~ I love my tiger shirt and shorts XD They are comfortable and I like them.

~ People would dance!

~ You COULD dance to this music.

~ Sam wasn't sick.

~ No drama.

~ I had a lot of energy. {Maybe a good thing. Haven't decided if I was obnoxious or not.}

~ We went to Wendy's afterwards.

It was so fun. I know this post was really kind of halfassed and I'll probably elaborate later, but it is now 11:59, so if i don't push "Publish," I fail as a blogger.

I made that up. It's not true. I'm still pretty awesome.

But yeah. *hits "Publish"*

~ Stephanie

May I?

:3 Hi. Sorry. I'm here. I haven't felt like blogging lately, so I haven't. Sometimes I get a good idea, but I just start the post, save it as a draft and go do other things. It may be a self-discipline issue. In fact, I'm pretty much positive that it is XD

Life has been good lately. Kind of. It seems good to me right now, as I write this, although if I survey things carefully, I remember a bunch of times where I've freaked out about various things.

May was full. Fullllllllllllllllll. There were hardly two days together where I didn't have something going on. In fact, I wonder if there were. I'm curious now. You may not be, and that's fine, but I think I'm going to look into my calendar/memory and see exactly what went down in May.

May 4: Leadercast {an all-day conference}

May 5: See "The Avengers" with Kirsten, James, and Sam

May 7: Leave for the beach

May 8-11: Beeeeeach

May 11: Go see Radio Reds

May 12: Prom

May 13: Mothers' Day

May 16: Try to get graduation announcements done...fail.

May 17: Try again...fail.

May 18: Dance recital; try to get graduation announcements...third failure.

May 19: Major dance recital

May 20: Dance recital; watch Adventure Time with Sam; try and succeed in getting graduation announcements done

May 22: Watch "Clue" with Cassidy

May 24: Sam and I play Go-Fish at Starbucks

May 25: Performance company party; Daddy's birthday

May 26: My graduation; Sam's graduation

May 27: "The Avengers" with friends; Sam comes over

May 28: Memorial Day lake party; Sam comes over

May 29: Sam comes over

May 30: Get graduation presents for friends; trampoline park with Sam

May 31: Ellie's graduation

So yeah. Wow. May was intense. June? It's gonna be intense also. And I'm loving almost every minute of it.

Senior summer here I come.

~Stephanie