All In

My drive back to college a couple of weeks ago was really something.

I had a lot on my mind. God was working painfully powerful miracles all around me. Someone very important to me was having God-and-self revelations that were bigger and more inspiring than anything I'd ever expected or imagined.

I felt like I was drowning in a sea of overwhelming, electrifying love. But the problem was, I still felt like I was drowning. I wasn't able to breathe in the goodness of the love. I knew it was good, and that was exciting, but I still felt terrified and smothered.

I didn't know what to do. I wanted to open myself up to the incredible joy I could feel lapping at my senses, but I wasn't sure how to absorb it into my actual self.

Everything hurt, on the inside. I could feel the joy, the hope, the awe, the inspiration. It was a combination of ecstasy that I was almost completely unfamiliar with. {Or maybe it's such an awesome feeling that every time feels like your first.}

But there was a jagged, grating rawness in my soul. I didn't know what to do.

"In My Arms" by Dead By April {I posted the lyrics about a week ago} came on my iPod. I'd never cared for the song much before, but it struck a nerve with me that night. I imagined that God was giving me that message, saying those words to me.

But instead of feeling comforted or happy, it just tore me apart, in the deepest, most complete and profound way I've ever experienced.

I cried so hard. I can think of only a handful of times that I've cried like that. The lyrics felt raw and vicious, directed at me with powerful spite, evoking thoughts and feelings and memories that I'd compartmentalized very carefully.

All I could think about was arms that weren't God's. I've never enjoyed being close to people; until a year ago, the concept of wanting to be held was completely lost on me. In the car, that longing railroaded me in a heartbreaking and wholly unexpected way.

Listening to "In My Arms," I guess I just broke myself down. I let myself feel, all the way, 100%, without rationalizing or marginalizing or compartmentalizing {I tried to find words that didn't end in "-izing," but those are the three words that I really mean.}

I started praying out loud. It was so broken. It was sentence fragments, and promises, and scattered thoughts, and feelings, and begging, and swearing, and apologizing. I told God how I felt, what I wanted, but most of all that I truly loved and trusted Him and so genuinely wanted to do what was right.

I skipped the rest of "In My Arms" {it had been on repeat for like ten minutes} and the song "All In" by tobyMac came on. I gave a choked laugh through my tears. That phrase. All in.

And suddenly for the first time, maybe ever, I felt ready to be "all in" for God. Something about me had broken down and fallen away. I don't know if it felt like a massive wall around me, or an infintesimal compartment within my soul. The absence of whatever "it" was felt both huge and tiny, but very real either way.

All the sudden, I wasn't drowning anymore. I don't know what I did, or what God did, but suddenly I could breathe in the goodness of the love. I didn't feel smothered; I felt electrified. I felt this painfully real joy radiating through my being.

I was still crying, but I was laughing. I felt so good. I felt God. I felt real. I felt ready. I felt All In.

I'm so excited, you guys. I can't explain what's going on inside of me. I don't know how. I don't have the words. Watching God work in other people is amazing and inspiring and exciting, but feeling God work in my own heart is an experience I can't even begin to describe.

It's funny; when I began this post, my intention was just to post the lyrics to "All In." I did not foresee this massive gut-spilling. But for once, I'm not self-conscious about it. I'm comfortable with this. I'm happy.

Maybe for the first time in my whole life.

Why's it always circumstantial?
Never any real potential,
Obvious and so sequential,
It always ends the same.
Holding out with all that's in me.
Is it worth all this pretending?
A story with an ugly ending it's never worth the pain.
So right here and now I am all in. 

'Cuz I'm letting go of everything I am.
And I'm holding on to everything You are.
I'm letting go of everything I once was.
I'm all in.
I'm fallin' into Your arms again.

Can we just wait out the weather?
I could stay right here forever.
Got to get myself together;
Real life is on the way.
Call it my foregone conclusion;
I'll always welcome Your intrusion.
You're the master of my choosing.
I'm all Yours.

This time I'm so for real.
It's time I sealed the deal,
Shut down my lame appeals.
I'm letting go.
I'll throw caution to the sky.
Kiss all my fears goodbye.
This time it's do or die.
I'm letting go.

I'm letting go of everything I am
And I'm holding on to everything You are
I'm letting go of everything I once was
I'm all in.

~Stephanie