After I took a shower when we got home from camping, I started to feel
sick. The sneezing, the aching, the itchy sore throat, the exhaustion.
It felt like what I'd had at the beach with PC's family. That sickness
that lasted like three or four weeks and never really got identified. I
went to the Fair with PC, Sophie, Anna, and Jordan anyway. I felt really
awful, but we did have fun.
I spent all of fall break with PC. Wednesday afternoon, dinner. All day
Thursday, all day Friday, all day Saturday, all day Sunday. Now that I
think about it, I know that was too much, even though I was also with my
family. It was too much PC for them. It's just that I like him, and he
makes me feel better when I'm sick. He takes the best care of me.
Because I was sick, I spent Sunday night at home and drove back for my 11am on Monday.
After everyone went to bed Sunday night, PC stayed and helped me pack.
It was about 11:20pm when Mom came stomping down the stairs.
"WHAT are you doing?" she demanded.
"I'm pack--"
"YOU--" she glared at me "--need to go to SLEEP. If you're SICK."
"He's just helping me pack," I said. "I'm gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. I'll get enough sleep."
I don't remember if anything else was said, really. I may have said
something like, "Just let me handle things." I know she ended with,
"We'll talk about this later," and stalked away.
PC also apparently left the garage door open all night, which she told me this morning. Guess he's shit listed for sure now.
My family is driving me terrible places. This is not about PC. He just
happens to be a tangible manifestation of what's going on in my life. My
parents want what's best for me, I know. But they're stressing me out
and making me want to run in the opposite direction.
They want me to not see PC so much and not have "bad" friends and never cuss and
go to every church function and get amazing grades and find a
"grown-up" boyfriend and not show my stomach and not go clubbing and not
dance with people and sit around with them while they ignore me and
never disagree with them.
However, their rigid disapproval of my (MY MY MY MY MY, dammit ) decisions sparks an automatic desire to go streaking in the
opposite direction. That's my initial reaction to confinement. It makes me just want to have
sex with PC and only hang out with "bad" friends and cuss and skip
church and screw school and get tattoos and more piercings and go back to labeling myself as "dating" PC and wear sleazy clothing and club every weekend
and grind my body on boys and completely cut my family out of my life.
But the thing is, I don't REALLY want those things! All I want is to not
have to hide the fact that PC and I still sit close together sometimes
and his touch doesn't make my skin crawl. I want to be able to choose my
own friends--some "good" and some "bad"--and stay the same
strong-principled individual I know I am. I want to use cuss words when I
want to, which means sparingly when furious or for comedic effect. I
want to go to the church functions that I connect with. I want to do my
best in school and not feel judged when I decide to let question 26 D go
for now. I want the freedom to date whoever the fuck I want, and if
that ends up being PC again, I'll have good reason, so respect my
decision, please. I want to wear clothes that, within reason, fit the
event I'm attending. I want to go clubbing and dance with people and not
believe that that means I'm going to Hell. I want to feel free from the
crushing, priggish, pedantic, discouraging, conditional
oversight of my family.
I know they want what's best for me, and I know they're most likely
right. But if that's the case, and they truly believe that, then BACK
OFF AND LET ME FIGURE IT OUT FOR MYSELF.
I know things will be different when I'm a parent, but I like to think I won't handle my kids like this.
On the bright side, Monya says she doesn't think I'm crazy or actually
depressed. I expected to feel relieved and validated if I heard that.
Instead, I feel lost and disappointed.
~Stephanie
you sound so much like me it's not even funny. seriously.
ReplyDeletewhen i first started my college journey and i was making decisions that maybe my family didn't exactly approve of, we went through this same battle. and i felt lost and disappointed and i just wanted to run in ALL THE DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS because nobody could tell me what to do, dammit!! And you know, I think it's a rite of passage.
you have to learn to be your own grown up self and make your own grown up decisions and you can't do that if everyone is always whispering in your ear because they think they know what's best.
what's nice about parents is that they've been there. They've made the dumb mistakes and they've worn the inappropriate clothes and they've had the 'bad' friends. This makes it so they have valuable insight into certain situations but because they are your parent, sometimes they forget all the things they went through and had to find out on their own too. So even though it is completely bothersome when they fill your life with their opinions, some of it is good stuff. And even though you don't want to hear what they have to say right now, try to file it away for the future, when you're ready to use what they have to say. or you come to a situation that you really don't know how to navigate.
and as for you and PC on again off again being close but not technically dating, all I have to say is be SUPER careful with your heart. Every couple is different and every situation is different and you guys could be totally right for each other and it could all work out in the end. ...or it could go a completely different path but it's always the path you choose.
Sometimes life feels like sandpaper, but it'll get better. Carry yourself like an adult and your parents and the people in your life will start to treat you like an adult. And what the hell does an adult look like, anyway? Well, that's just something you have to figure out on your own.
i love your face off. take a deep breath, say a little prayer, and live your life. :)
Natalie said it best. Parents can forget what it was like to be your age but that doesn't make them automatically wrong. Find out why they don't like you hanging out with Sam and the other things they said. Are they trying to tell you what to do or are they trying to get you to think about what you're doing?
ReplyDeleteWhatever you do don't go in the opposite direction just to spite them. The person who ends up dealing with the consequences is you not them. You won't teach them anything out of spite.
And don't just take the advice of people the same age as you. Chances are they're no wiser than you are.
Okay, So I know I'm younger than you, and don't have nearly as much life experience, but I feel as if God is pulling on my heart to say something, so that's what I'm gonna do.
ReplyDelete1)I agree with both of them^.
2) Like Jay said, don't go running in the opposite direction to "teach them a lesson". I've seen it done too many times, it only really hurts YOU.
Steph... live your life first for God, and second for yourself. Those are the only two people that you should be trying to please, and really if you try to please any more... you won't go through life happy.
I love you, my dear. Text or call absolutely anytime.