Tuesday, October 8, 2013

In Which I Process My Thoughts and Beg for Advice

{I hate to post this right on top of that cool Letter From My Eighteen-Year-Old Self thing, but this issue is driving me off the cliff of insanity.}

Dear Guy Who Likes Me,

You're really attractive. We have incredibly similar taste in movies, music, and TV shows. We're both good with talking. So far, I've said yes when you've asked me to hang out. But now, the Me in me is rising up and I'm freaking out.

So yeah. This has to stop.

~The Girl From Envs-111

*sigh* I know, I know. I could make a problem out of winning the lottery.

See, he's a really cool guy, but by continuing to say yes to hanging out with him alone, I'm inching my way closer to a situation I'm not ready to be in:  TALKING to someone {AKA, that cesspool of gray area between "freedom" and "romantic commitment."}.

There are countless problems with that situation.

1. I move slower than any other female in the world. I guarantee you this guy is expecting to kiss me sometime sooner than "months and months and months from now, if ever."

2. I still have a long way to go before I can seriously "like" someone. I know it's been like six months {Huh. Almost to the day.}, but I still play the comparison game and my heart hasn't grown back to a size where I can spare enough to give some to another person.

3. I mean, I have general commitment issues. Like really, really, really bad ones.

4. He's going into the military. I know it's really early even to be throwing this out there, but I'm not going to marry someone going into the military. I respect, support, and honor our troops, but I'm way too selfish to have a soldier for a husband.

5. I don't know if he's a Christian or not, but I'm 75% sure he isn't, and that's an instant deal-breaker.

6. He drinks. Like, he's not a raging drunk--he just gets drunk on the weekends--but that's not for me. I don't necessarily have a huge problem with people doing that, but I am not going to date someone who does, especially if he's underage.

7.  Yesterday I overheard him confess to someone that he doesn't have any rhythm. I'm still not sure why that instantly triggered the thought, Okay cool. Now there's DEFINITELY no way, but it did.

8. He's not that funny. He IS funny, but he's not THAT funny. He laughs too much at himself, and isn't particularly clever or iconic.

9. He's a little annoying. It comes from the laughing too much in the middle of his own stories. Maybe the laughs aren't forced, but they feel that way, like he's breathing out so hard his lungs are going flat.

{Yes, I realize I'm a tough crowd. Cue the Forever Alone images. Actually, you know what, I got this:

He definitely has good points. He makes good grades, knows what he wants to do with his life, is a serious gentleman {hasn't gotten within a foot of me and opens every door possible, including car doors}, has good taste {movies, TV shows, music, video games}, and is really attractive. However, those don't outweigh the other issues, especially the fact that I'm just not ready for a relationship.

I need to tell him that I think he's great, but that I move at the pace of a lame snail, and am not ready for a serious relationship anyway.

I just don't know WHEN I have to tell him that. I don't want to tell him too soon and seem scary and arrogant and mean. But I also don't want to lead him on; that's even meaner.

Advice would be so appreciated, guys. This is literally keeping me up at night, and I'm really tired.



  1. Does the subject of dating come up in conversation, I mean dating in general? You could casually mention you had dated someone a while back and because you look for meaningful relationships you couldn't see yourself with someone else yet, even the great people you've met at college. If he's perceptive he'll get the point.

    Unless you want to tell him directly. Then sooner is better. You've already spent a lot of time with him. A gentle "maybe I'm wrong but I get the feeling you like me, but..." Might work. It's usually us Canadians that have trouble telling people what's on our minds :)

  2. The subject kind of came up. We talked about exes and I said I was still really close with my one and only ex... I think I was hoping that would scare him off XD I wish I'd thought of your strategy first though.

    I'll plan to try Option 2 after fall break.

    Thank you SO much for responding to this. I really want to handle this the right way, and as soon as possible.


    1. You're welcome and Natalie's right. You'll know what he's thinking and it's best if he knows where he stands with you too.

  3. This situations are ALWAYS tough to navigate, and having been there myself I can tell you that it's different for each pair of different people. Sometimes it's been really easy to have a DTR talk (Define The Relationship) and other times you're just kind of walking around going ...should i say it now? or how about now?

    And in my experience, because i'm so danged non confrontational, situations just seem to arise where it's appropriate to say something before things get too out of hand. Usually it's just me backing off and stopping the alone time. I'm kind of mean, I guess.

    Talking to him about it is probably a way better option than just avoiding the situation. So don't be me about it. HAHA. But seriously, I agree with Jay. Break it to him gently so you don't seem arrogant or selfish in thinking that he's into if maybe he's not. It might be a little awkward, but you'll feel better after you have some answers.

    1. Yeah, cutting him off is my gut reaction too XD I'm planning to try to talk to him this week. Thanks for commenting :) I'll let y'all know how it goes!