9.13.12

"Ask yourself:  now where would you be without days like this?"

I've thought that so many times with you.  When I look over when you aren't paying attention and think about how lucky I am; when I can just FEEL you loving me and wanting me to be happy; when I feel safe and hopeful and whole.

Where would I be without days like that?

That question fills me up, fills me to bursting with nostalgia and curiosity and apprehension and love.

Sometimes it brings me joy.  Days like that are treasures, such uncontainable gifts.  Where would I be without so much love and happiness?

Then sometimes it fills me with a rising panic, a desperation, a soul-shattering fear.  Where will I be without days like that?  How will I cope with the brual emptiness that fills my chest when I WON'T have days like that?

Either way, the question is haunting, beautiful.  It makes me feel like I can fly; it makes me feel like I'm falling.  I cherish the moments, the feelings.  Good or bad, what I feel is strong and glorious and terrifyingly beautiful.

Where would I be without days like this?

I don't know. When I do, I'll tell you.

~Stephanie

I Miss Sam and Cassidy

Ah, I'm so tired.

It's Family Weekend at Campbell University. I told my parents I'd rather go home than have them come here--there's nothing worthwhile to do in Buies Creek--but they wanted to come "see my turf."

So far, we have eaten dinner at Sagebrush, gotten amazing snowcones, and watched TV for like an hour and a half. Then they went to a hotel, and I spent a couple of hours laying on the floor watching TV and eating cereal and recording a dream that's been floating around in my head for days.

Right now, I'm supposed to be sleeping. I really thought I was going to. I'm not sure why I'm still awake, reading through dream files and texting Cassidy and worrying about Sam for no reason.

I miss him, guys. I miss how it used to be as easy as "Wanna come over?"  "Yeah." and then we were hanging out.

I miss being close to someone, which is really weird. I never in my life thought I'd miss physical contact in a real way.

I miss Cass. I miss there being a person who I could share everything about life with, from cereal to That 70s Show.  I miss someone finishing my sentences and pointing out my bullcrap.

I miss riding in the Camry, knowing that she'll pick good music and we'll notice all the same random stuff as we drive along. And sometimes not recognize where we are.

There is no point to this post really. I'm sorry to clog your Dashboard with rambling. I'm just very, very tired and I miss my boyfriend and my bestfriend a lot. They're pretty much extensions of myself.

Only that makes it sound like they exist only as my limbs, which is not at all what I mean. I mean that they're so much a part of me that I feel like a third of a person now.

They totally complete me. I'm not a functioning member of society without them.

I need Sam to talk for me when I don't know what to say.

I need Cassidy to tell me when to stop talking.

I need Sam to help me translate Male.

I need Cassidy to be my unconditional best friend.

I need Sam to be like, "You can't eat that ice cream. You'll feel terrible."

I need Cassidy make sure I cut tags off my clothes and don't wear brown shoes with black clothes.

I need Sam to help me figure out how to get places.

I need Cassidy to speak Spanish with me.

I need both of them to translate spelled words for me.

I need both of them to let me know when I'm BS-ing, because I ususally don't know myself.

I need both of them to laugh at things I think are funny.

I need both of them to watch Friends and That 70s Show and Adventure Time with me.

I need...

*sigh*

I need the rest of my self.

~Stephanie

That Moment When

That moment when you realize drinking a caffeinated beverage was a terrible idea.

That moment when you realize all you want to do is watch TV and laugh and not do school work.

That moment when you realize if some sort of structure doesn't descend on you in the next five minutes, you're going to be lost.

That moment when you realize you've eaten two unneccessary Rice Krispy Treats and are probably going to gain a lot of weight if this continues.

That moment when you hiccup and laugh.

That moment when you send a text message, then wonder if you would have said that if you weren't really caffeinated.

That moment when your internet goes out and you're in the middle of a blog post and you hope it will come back before Blogger logs you out and you lose everything.

That moment when you realize you have two days to complete an English project with a deadbeat partner and write a phenomenal short fiction analysis.

That moment when you realize you don't really care that your family is coming to visit in five days.

That moment when you smugly realize you're getting an A in Spanish and you haven't opened the text book yet.

That moment when your stomach starts to hurt from the caffiene and Rice Krispy Treats.

That moment when your realize this brief blogging break is over and it's time to get back to homework.

And you sigh.

And type a tilde, then your name.

~Stephanie

Then go and do glorious, productive English work that will no doubt get you an A+ and the teacher's respect.

Things I Have Learned at College {So Far}

Things I Have Learned at College

1. September 17th is Pirate Day, and if you dress up like a pirate and go to Krispy Kreme, you can get a dozen free doughnuts.

2. The correct spelling of "doughnuts" is not "donuts."

3. Some people think making out and saying "I love you" are a first step. Being in a relationship comes somewhere second. Or maybe third.

4. My "high school" was really challenging. Most people are freaked out and blown away by the quality of work expected here. I'm...not. As arrogant as it sounds, the English presentations my classmates gave yesterday would not have cut it in Mrs. Tomkinson's Challenge IV class.

5. Long-distance relationships are totally doable. A little sad, sure, but far from impossible.

6. Yoga pants = "stare at my ass pants." I had honest-to-God never thought about this before, and I feel really stupid for never consciously noticing how yoga pants fit. I am so oblivious it frightens me. {It also frightens Sarah, who has probably tried to tell me this before and I wasn't paying attention.}

7. College kids aren't {necessarily} much more mature than high school seniors. There's still a disappointing amount of pettiness and an exciting amount of Disney enthusiasm.

8. I can't eat just one fun-sized Twix.

9. I take abnormally long showers.

10. I brush my teeth abnormally a lot.

~Stephanie

Happy Sweet Sixteen, Sarah

When we were little, Sarah pretty much adored me.

It doesn’t make any sense at all, because I was terrible to her. I got her in trouble on purpose, wouldn’t let her play dollhouse with me, and asked her for stuff all the time.

During the elementary and middle school years, things continued pretty much the same. She wasn’t good at making up stories like I was, and she had trouble in school. I didn’t “get” her, and I didn’t think a whole lot of her. I was a malicious, conceited bitch most of the time.

(It only got worse when I hit puberty and the whole world was harsh and cruel, pelting me with dreadful woes and misfortunes like wavy hair and having to take pills instead of the liquid medicine for five-year-olds.)

But then I turned, like, sixteen and realized that there is still SOME good in the world—and a lot of it is in my little sister.

She’s AWESOME, guys. You don’t even know.

She went from a girl who couldn’t have an opinion on her favorite breakfast cereal to a girl who posts Facebook stati like “Mondays: The death of the weekend.” and " ‘The world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. We've all got both light and dark inside of us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are.’ - Sirius Black.”

She’s just…she’s so great. In fact, you know what, here’s the birthday thing I wrote for her:

Happy Sweet Sixteen! You're older than Paige and Darren. I know I keep saying that, but it just keeps blowing my mind... Your sixteenth year is going to be great. I really think that. I can't believe you're sixteen though...

You are so awesome. You're so cool. You give amazing advice. You're very insightful. You keep up with my life better than I do. You calm me down. You remind me where my shoes...(nail polish, belt, pocket book, journal, phone, iPod, brain, etc.) are. You don't let me walk out of the house wearing clothes of appallingly different styles.

You're hilarious. You have gorgeous eyelashes.

You're refreshingly diligent. You're incredibly thoughtful. Your eye for color is absolutely supernatural.

I don't know if you're aware of this, but you have an awesome sense of hesitant irony. It's so funny and perfect and makes me laugh a lot.

Your Facebook stati are great. I like reading them.

You don't waste words, online or in real life. When you say something, you HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, and it's always something legitimate, thoughtful, delightful.

You've grown into such an amazing person. It's truly an honor to be your friend and be able to watch you as you change and become the person God made you to be. Keep being awesome. I'm so proud of you.

I know I'm supposed to be a good example for you, but it's no lie to say *I* look up to YOU. Thanks for keeping me straight and helping me see the good in the world. You impact my life more than I can ever express.

I love you so much, Sarah. Happy birthday!

So yeah. She's pretty cool.

B2 + S2

Saturday, Sam visited me here at Campbell :)

Sam, me, Brenden and Bekah went bowling. I had won a free bowling game by playing this halftime game at a soccer game {yeah, I did use the word "game" three times}, and there's not a lot else to do in Buies Creek.

Bowling was fun {I won XD}, but just having Sam around was the best thing ever. Brenden and Bekah are pretty great, and they do their best to include me in everything, but anyone hanging around two people who are dating {or close enough} is bound to feel like a third wheel. For the first time, I got to have fun with B2 without just awkwardly standing by the side. I had someone to make eye contact with and engage me in conversation.

Bekah and Brenden both really liked Sam, too. Bekah said they talked about us later, how adorable we are together, and Brenden said, "They're so WEIRD. They're PERFECT for each other."

He liked Sam a lot, and I'm pretty sure Sam likes him fine, which is great, because if Bekah and I stay good friends, and Brenden and Bekah stay together, it'll just be more convenient to have the guys get along.

After bowling, the four of us went to Wal-Mart and messed around for like an hour and a half. Best Wal-Mart trip ever XD We looked at Legos, movies, threw koosh balls, took pictures with this Barbie camera, went crazy over coloring books {well, Bekah and I did} and Brenden got in trouble for skateboarding down the aisle.

I used to think that college kids were smooth and mature. Now I think we're pretty much just highschoolers with less adult supervision XD

It was also nice having someone around who wouldn't be constantly shocked that I understand and make innuendos. It gets old having Brenden's eyes get wide and his mouth fall open every fifteen minutes. Hopefully he'll get used to it soon.

Bekah doesn't get most of them XD

After Wal-Mart, we all went our separate ways. Sam and I went to dinner, which was Italian and pretty good, and then went back to the dorm room and kind of watched A Bug's Life, which I had never seen.

It was hard to see him go when 11pm rolled around, but unlike at home, there's no pushing the limit. If he hadn't been out of the room by 11, the RAs would have come looking for us and written me up. Although it was definitely for the best, since he had a two-hour drive back home.

I keep thinking that being apart will get easier, but so far it's just been difficult and sad, although no less genuine.

Five months tomorrow :)

Well, I better go study for a Western Civ quiz tomorrow, read some National Government homework, get a shower, start an English assignment, read a chapter of Theater, and...

*sigh* I am rather unhappy right now XD

~Stephanie

Lying My Way to Optimism

It occurred to me today that I lie to myself.

Yeah. You probably already knew that, and it's KIND OF occurred to me before, but I hadn't consciously, thoroughly thought about it until today.

I thought of several examples, and realized that the majority of my self-lies deal with Time. How much time it will take to get something done, how long a car ride is going to be, when to expect someone at my house, etc. I intentionally overestimate how long things will take so that I'm pleasantly shocked when I finish a project FIVE HOURS EARLIER THAN EXPECTED.

Okay, I don't give myself THAT much of a buffer, but you get the idea.

I have all my clocks set approximately 32 minutes fast. I wake up, panic that I'm late, bolt out of bed, and have a highly motivational surge of adrenaline going before I realize that I'm actually totally on time (for the moment).

And really, roadblocks occur. I might have misplaced my notes, there might be road construction, someone could sleep through their alarm. Allowing time for terrible things to get in the way is actually a smart way to think, is it not?

It's like that saying about being a pessimist: you're either constantly being proven right, or pleasantly surprised.

I can live with that. And I pretty much plan to XD

However, I realized today that there might be a point where lying to myself is not healthy. It's one thing to be pessimistic about how long a research paper is going to take (oh god, I actually have a research paper to work on...); it's another to lie to yourself such that you can't open yourself up to good things.

I am also the queen of this.

There's (probably XD) a difference between wisely protecting yourself and keeping the entire world at bay with a flaming stick of I-Am-Too-Indifferent-And-Disinterested-To-Attempt-Any-Form-Of-Relationship-With-You.

Not EVERYONE is a shallow, sadistic wad of selfish schemes. Some people are actually cool. (Or so I'm told.)

XD

I actually think I've gotten better at this, to be honest. I don't always think the worst of people anymore. I've allowed myself to be open to friendships. I've stopped assuming that every relationship I have will fail.

Nothing monumental happened to make me improve; it just kind of feels like growing up.

Well, okay, that's only partly true. The other part is that my two best friends, Cassidy and Sam, are still around. I've been a basketcase this week, an absolute piece of work, and they actually still love me. Like, I actually think they really do.

That sentence is huge for me. I think for the first time ever, I believe that there might be people who won't stab you in the back or walk away when you fall.

It's hard for me to admit. I guess it's kind of like "officially" opening up. But for the first time, the prospect of opening up doesn't feel like emotional suicide. It doesn't feel like walking into a battlefield and defeatedly removing my armor.

It doesn't feel like losing. It feels like...living. It feels like deep breaths and stretching. It feels like relaxing, and that's so completely the opposite of how it's always felt before.

Wow.

When I started this post, I didn't intend to have a revelation. I didn't intend to feel this free. I didn't intend for this to be a culmination of everything I talk about here on Pandora, but here we are. Here it is.

I feel like I just completed a journey. Or wrote the last sentence of a novel.

I mean, really, I'm just starting college. This is basically the beginning of everything, not the end.

Huh. Maybe that is what it feels like. Beginning life for the first real time.

Okay. Sorry. I'll go now before I completely lose it in philosophy XD

~Stephanie

Dating Duration

September 10th will be Sam's and my five-month-iversary.

People at college often ask me how long Sam and I have been together, and I've realized that lot of people have been dating for significantly longer than we have. And people who have been dating for eight, ten, fourteen months seem to dismiss my relationship because it hasn't been official for as long.

And I've done the same thing in my head, basically my whole life.


Oh, hah, they've only been together for TWO months.



But until recently, I hadn't ever been on the recieving end of that thought pattern. At first, I sort of bought into it. I actually felt like my relationship wasn't as important to the cosmic forces because it hadn't existed for as long.

But after just a few days of being on the short end of that, the pressure and prestige of relationship length just drifted away.

That pattern of thinking doesn't make enough sense. It's not a very valid view. All relationships have to be five months old before they can be five years old. At one time, my parents had only been dating for two or three months. Now they're happily into their twenty-sixth year of marriage.

The most important thing to look at when "judging" a relationship is the depth, not the duration. I can say with relative certainty that Sam and I have a more real relationship than a particular couple I know who's been dating for almost a year.

There's no way to dispell the duration judgments from anyone's mind (mine included) completely, and it's not without importance. You typically know more about someone the longer and more closely you've known them, so it only makes sense to apply that theory to dating.

But I think we all need to be a little less...shallow. Don't dismiss a relationship ONLY because it's been a thing for just a few months. Be interested; be glad for the person. They just might end up together for the rest of forever. Dating duration is not ever the best indication of a meaningful or healthy relationship.

Although I admit, it's freaking awesome and adorable that Sam faithfully keeps up with our month-iversaries, and how many days there are until the next one :3 Totally adorable.

~Stephanie