It occurred to me today that I lie to myself.
Yeah. You probably already knew that, and it's KIND OF occurred to me before, but I hadn't consciously, thoroughly thought about it until today.
I thought of several examples, and realized that the majority of my self-lies deal with Time. How much time it will take to get something done, how long a car ride is going to be, when to expect someone at my house, etc. I intentionally overestimate how long things will take so that I'm pleasantly shocked when I finish a project FIVE HOURS EARLIER THAN EXPECTED.
Okay, I don't give myself THAT much of a buffer, but you get the idea.
I have all my clocks set approximately 32 minutes fast. I wake up, panic that I'm late, bolt out of bed, and have a highly motivational surge of adrenaline going before I realize that I'm actually totally on time (for the moment).
And really, roadblocks occur. I might have misplaced my notes, there might be road construction, someone could sleep through their alarm. Allowing time for terrible things to get in the way is actually a smart way to think, is it not?
It's like that saying about being a pessimist: you're either constantly being proven right, or pleasantly surprised.
I can live with that. And I pretty much plan to XD
However, I realized today that there might be a point where lying to myself is not healthy. It's one thing to be pessimistic about how long a research paper is going to take (oh god, I actually have a research paper to work on...); it's another to lie to yourself such that you can't open yourself up to good things.
I am also the queen of this.
There's (probably XD) a difference between wisely protecting yourself and keeping the entire world at bay with a flaming stick of I-Am-Too-Indifferent-And-Disinterested-To-Attempt-Any-Form-Of-Relationship-With-You.
Not EVERYONE is a shallow, sadistic wad of selfish schemes. Some people are actually cool. (Or so I'm told.)
I actually think I've gotten better at this, to be honest. I don't always think the worst of people anymore. I've allowed myself to be open to friendships. I've stopped assuming that every relationship I have will fail.
Nothing monumental happened to make me improve; it just kind of feels like growing up.
Well, okay, that's only partly true. The other part is that my two best friends, Cassidy and Sam, are still around. I've been a basketcase this week, an absolute piece of work, and they actually still love me. Like, I actually think they really do.
That sentence is huge for me. I think for the first time ever, I believe that there might be people who won't stab you in the back or walk away when you fall.
It's hard for me to admit. I guess it's kind of like "officially" opening up. But for the first time, the prospect of opening up doesn't feel like emotional suicide. It doesn't feel like walking into a battlefield and defeatedly removing my armor.
It doesn't feel like losing. It feels like...living. It feels like deep breaths and stretching. It feels like relaxing, and that's so completely the opposite of how it's always felt before.
When I started this post, I didn't intend to have a revelation. I didn't intend to feel this free. I didn't intend for this to be a culmination of everything I talk about here on Pandora, but here we are. Here it is.
I feel like I just completed a journey. Or wrote the last sentence of a novel.
I mean, really, I'm just starting college. This is basically the beginning of everything, not the end.
Huh. Maybe that is what it feels like. Beginning life for the first real time.
Okay. Sorry. I'll go now before I completely lose it in philosophy XD
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