(**EDIT: It is a complaint. But I swear I proofread it...**)
*takes a deep breath*
I haven't written, really written, in so long. Do you know when the last time I wrote any scrap of fiction was? February 16th. The last time I put some effort or thought into a legit story of mine? NaNoWriMo back in November.
I go through phases like this every once in a while, and I always think I'm losing myself. I think my imagination has shriveled up and died and I'll never write again. I think I'm a totally different and terrible person and I'm not turning out the way I want.
At least I've learned to recognize it as a pattern, because the last few days, I've kinda felt like that XD Again.
Do I feel like myself? Not really. But I don't exactly feel like a fake either. I feel like a new person, and I'm not sure I like this person. But I'm well on my way to becoming this person forever.
I don't write anymore. It isn't because I'm uninspired. I have plenty of inspiration lying around. If I would just look it in the eye and say, "Okay, I'm ready to write," I could fill a notebook right now. So why don't I?
I think I'm scared.
I'm scared that it won't be any good, but what I'm most afraid of is not finishing. Anything. Ever. With the exception of the five Fire Fairy books and some short stories, that's true. I have never finished a story.
I think my defense mechanism is just not trying. If I don't try, I can't fail.
But I also can't succeed.
"...at the worst, if he fails at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." ~ Theodore Roosevelt
I used to think that way. I used to scorn people who wouldn't take risk or were too lazy to try. I still scorn those people, but the problem is now I'm also one of them.
In addition to being apathetic about writing, I'm starting to become that way about college.
The deadline for my second choice school, where I got accepted, has passed and I didn't accept. All the other deadlines are passed too. Right now, I'm holding out for my #1 university where I've been Wait Listed. Unfortunately more students than usual accepted their acceptance and are going, which means it's more than likely I won't get in.
I sent in some examples of my writing to at least set me apart from my fellow Wait Listers, but I never got a confirmation. I asked them to please let me know when they received the message but they never replied and I haven't recent the stuff.
I need to write a highly enthusiastic and articulate letter telling them that I'm still waiting and I know that Wake Forest is the place for me. I was gonna do that Tuesday, but I didn't and I still haven't and now it's Wednesday. I have plans for most of tomorrow and all of Friday and I'm attempting to make plans for Saturday. On Monday I leave to go to the beach for a week.
I also need a job. I'm honestly not sure how to go about getting one. My big idea is to walk into a bunch of stores that I wouldn't hate working at and say, "Hi, I'd like to apply for a job." But I haven't done that yet, ergo I have no job. I'm hoping to put that brilliant plan into action tomorrow, but I might be lying to myself. I'll find out.
I really don't want to work with food, but beggars can't be choosers and right now I'm pretty much a beggar.
Prom is also kinda stressing me out. But at least it's just the material parts of it, not the people or the idea of prom.
I love my dress, so yay. But I haven't tried it on with the shoes and earrings and I have no clue what I'm doing with my hair. Theoretically I'm getting it done by a professional this year, since I haven't been that happy with how it's looked the past two years. However, I don't know what I want my hair to look like and I haven't made an appointment yet. So that's stressful.
And dance. I love dance. I **LOVE** dance. And I'm very attached to my class and my studio. It's a very huge part of who I am. I could very easily get sentimental about it. And tonight was the last class I'll ever attend. I'm going to miss the actual LAST CLASS, where all the seniors are like "AWWWWWWWW" and everyone is like, "AWWW WE'LL MISS YOU *SOB*" and where my incredible teacher Mrs. Lauren will probably cry.
For some reason I really, really, really, really want to be there for that. I realized that tonight. That it means a lot to me to be there. But I won't be. 'Cause senior beach trip. Which will also be awesome and sentimental and full of people I love. But like...
In the middle of all this, I'm losing my will to be a Christian. I don't know if I said that right. It's like, I think I do believe in God, and I think Christianity has it right. But at the same time, I'm so, so...just...
Not into it.
I've graduated from "I'm having a spiritually 'off' day" to "I am a total hypocrite who doesn't belong in the house of God and is having trouble giving a sh't about that."
I think Christianity is right, but I don't want to be part of it right now. It's too much responsibility. I have to be a good examples, repent, surrender myself to God and for some reason I just CAN'T GO THERE RIGHT NOW. So I feel like it would be better to remove the label of "Christian" than to be a fake.
Although it's not like I can tell that to anyone. Except you guys. And Cassidy. And Aaron. And Sam. Although Sam will probably try to find a way to make this his fault. It isn't.
And I've noticed that he just comments on posts in which I mention him. So he may comment on this one. Although since I just pointed that out, he might intentionally not say something. Although since I just point THAT out...
........alllllllllllright, I'm completely off topic now and no one understands what I'm saying.
I just. I don't know. I'm a lunatic. An absolute raving lunatic.