Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Heart Hacking

There is a whole area/category/set of things that I can't say. Not things like, "I actually hate your haircut" or "THEY ALL DIE IN CHAPTER SEVENTEEN," but nice things that I used to know how to express, and now can't. Things like, "I'm glad you came," "I love you," and "that meant a lot to me."

I used to be really good at saying those nice things. I used to be TOO good at saying those nice things. I'd let my emotions overwhelm me and take full control, resulting in endless torrents of sappiness and vulnerability. Everyone knew exactly how much they meant to me, and therefore exactly how much they could hurt me or get away with before I'd cut them off.

But then I realized what a vat of vulnerability I was and my face did this:


And I was like, "NEVER AGAIN" and put a tourniquet on my heart.

It was all *sadface* for a little while, but then it became natural. I drifted away from the friends who knew me as Emoti-Steph and got closer to the ones I hadn't ever opened up to anyway, so the change wasn't that obvious. Eventually people got used to me being sarcastic and cynical, and so did I.

It honest-to-God didn't bother me. I liked it. I embraced it. It was much easier, and I felt stronger. It felt like a victory to be able to roll my eyes at cute movie moments and honestly not give a crap when a cute animal died. I felt like a badass, and the best part was that there were only benefits to it. Being anti-sentimentality cut down on awkward moments, made it easier to handle situations, and virtually ensured that no one could hurt me--at least knowingly.

I've sort of talked about this before, in my post about being cynical. If you read that post, you'll remember that I ended on the note that I still felt that I was right in being a Scrooge and that I wasn't especially interested in being any other way. {<--run-on sentence} At least that's the attitude I look back and see in myself.

But for the first time in probably three years, I'm starting to give a damn about my heart again. {That sentence kind of makes me want to throw up, by the way.} There's no way I can or want to go back to being the sappy chica I was before, but...I'm starting to think that I don't enjoy being a rock all the time. It seems like I might actually be missing the freedom to open up at least on occasion.

However, I legitimately do not know how to start or where to begin with that. I cannot say sentimental things. I can't. It feels terrible and more often than not it gets thrown back in my face. I can't be open about my feelings. Or maybe more accurately, I won't allow myself to be. I locked up my heart and threw away the key, and now the whole world--including myself--is shut out XD

How does one break into a heart? How does one find the happy medium between vulnerable open book and heartless wad of sarcasm? Does a happy medium even exist?

I'm tentatively seeking the answers to these questions. But unfortunately talking about feelings involves feelings...imagine that. So it's a little difficult. But I shall probably keep you posted.

Heh, don't I always?

~Stephanie

4 comments:

  1. I really like this post :)
    ~Sara

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  2. It is hard to maintain a balance. I guess the only way to do it is be honest with yourself about how you feel, and decide who deserves to be let inside. Not everyone deserves your truth. But if you are dishonest with yourself and how you feel then you really don't know yourself.

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  3. I think Jamie has the right idea. Maybe choose one or two people to start with. Saying something simple like "that meant a lot" to the right person is a good way to begin without taking a risk.

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  4. Best thing to do is just chill. Worrying over your emotions isn't going to help, just take a deep breath and let yourself be calm in every situation.

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