{DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU'RE DEPRESSED/REALLY NERVOUS ABOUT GOING TO COLLEGE. IT WILL NOT HELP. IT WILL MAKE THINGS WORSE, I'M SURE.}
It's my last day of being a kid.
It's my last day of living at home.
It's my last day of having this as a permanent address.
It's my last day of knowing I'm only ever a few days away from seeing Sam.
It's my last day having the Kia.
It's my last day of asking Sarah what to wear.
It's my last day of knowing Cassidy could show up any time she wanted to.
It's my last day of Mom being right there to help me with anything and everything.
It's my last day of Daddy showing me weird, vaguely uninteresting things in the yard.
I know I should be excited about college, and I guess there's a part of me that is, but right now all I can think about is what I'll be leaving behind, what I'll miss. I've cried more in the past three days than I have in the past three months, and I know I'm not finished yet.
There are so many things I want. I want a higher education. I want to study political science. I want to stay in a dorm room. I want independence. I want the college experience.
But there are so many things I want here at home, too. I want dance. I want Wake Forest. I want my family. I want my friends. I want Sam.
Everything I see reminds me of something I'm going to miss. It's incredible. It's terrible.
This is my last day, and I'm sitting on the computer complaining and trying not to cry. That's a stupid, poor way to spend my last day. But...*sigh*
It's not like going to Europe for three weeks, knowing that in 21 days, I could go right back to the way things were before. NOTHING is ever going to be the same again. I hate that. I hate that a lot, because I LOVE the way things are now.
And to be honest, I have a huge amount of trouble believing that ANYTHING will be the same ever again. I'll come back home to visit, and all the people will have changed. New world views, new best friends, new crushes, new inside jokes, new looks, etc. I won't be around to see the gradual change--or prevent it--and I'll have lost everything I knew and I loved.
I should have gone to college LAST year. Spring of 2011, maybe. Last spring I was a lean, mean, uncaring machine. I was great at compartmentalizing and being cold and not caring. I could have gone to college last spring. But now I'm all attached to people and junk.
This is a very poor Last Day of Childhood post. This post should have been brief, inspiring, enthusiastic. Instead it was rambling, depressing and desperately terrified. But this is what I have to say, and I suppose you're reading it anyway.
I plan to continue blogging in college, although I have no idea what my life or schedule is going to be like. Hopefully my next post here will be more encouraging and less heartbroken.
Prayers would be appreciated.
~Stephanie
You will make it Stephanie. Be scared, depressed and excited. You are making a big change and you should feel all those things.
ReplyDeleteI can tell you one thing. When you go back to visit, things will have changed. But not completely. Never completely. Young ones will be taller, your parents will have painted a room without telling you, your friends will have stories that you're not a part of, but they're still the people you knew. Keep in touch with them as much as you can around all your mountains of homework and they'll remain your friends forever. You won't lose everything you knew and loved. Sometimes it'll be better.
I don't know how far from home you're going but between you and Sam, long distance relationships do work.
When you're settled in your dorm and the feelings get to you, talk to someone.
Good luck Stephanie :)
you're right, it's not going to be the same as when you left it. it will never be again exactly as it is for you now. but in all honesty, you may be shocked to find that you actually like it better.
ReplyDeletebut don't worry about feeling depressed or weepy about leaving things behind. this is a really big step, and it's terrifyingly scary. however, it's necessary. to grow. to further your relationship with God. to figure things out about yourself that you didn't know. college is going to be scary and fun and nerve racking and exciting.
you've got a good safety net, and just because you're moving doesn't mean those people are going to stop existing. deep breath, girl. you'll be fine :)
I have no advice except to cling to Jesus. He WILL carry you. Everything WILL be ok.
ReplyDeleteYou know I'm praying for you <3
-Alana
You're in my thoughts and prayers, Stephanie. You know and can define all of the things you are leaving behind. But the beauty of that is A) those things will all still be there waiting for you, and B) you're about to find out everything awesome that lies ahead.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
Go forth and do good. I know that you will!