Friday, August 3, 2012

The First Day

{Emotional drama ahead. I get really descriptive with my emotions sometimes. I'm a drama queen. But writing it all out like this is kind of helpful. I apologize for the length and the intense disappointed sadness.}

"Go back a little to leap farther." ~ John Clark

I like that quote. But I doubt that's what I was thinking when I broke my 20-month clean streak {clean from what? Click HERE for that post} a couple of days ago.

It's confusing. Confusion was the first emotion I felt at 1:30am last Wednesday. Huh? What had broken me? Why had I given in? How was that night different from the other 607?

The confusion was followed by disbelief. This hadn't really happened. It had to be a dream. I didn't actually throw away a year and a half of determined effort. I wouldn't do that. That's not something I'd do.

But, like, it was. I had really done that.

That's when the gut-chilling, spirit-crushing, somehow-tangible burden of disgusted, disappointed, nauseated, crippling regret descended.

I had somehow talked myself into believing I wouldn't regret it that time, despite the fact that I have always monstrously regretted every other time I've slipped up. Why did I decide to believe that lie? There was no evidence to support it! It didn't make sense. It DOESN'T make sense.

After I messed up, I couldn't be still. I was actually afraid to be still, like I thought my problem was something physical that could literally catch me. I walked around the big room downstairs. I went to my room. I ran upstairs. I had lots of rapid, choppy, blurred thoughts.

Then the feeling of regret started to feel too heavy to move around. I stood still. I held my head up with my hands. I stared at myself in the mirror.

I felt really alone. Not in a pitiful, sad way, but in a violently terrified, I-am-literally-the-only-person-alive-right-now kind of way.

I texted Sam. "I really hope this doesn't wake you up, but I have to tell someone: I fucked up. 20 months clean and I just fucked up. I don't even know what to do."

The text did not wake him up, and that was a good thing, but I was still irrationally afraid that there might not be anyone else on the planet with a beating heart and working lungs. So I texted Aaron.

"Are you awake?"


"I just broke my 20-month clean streak. I don't even know what to do."

"...nothing? Move on? Nothing else you can really do."

He then proceeded to talk me up from I Fail At Life And Don't Want To Breathe Anymore to I Feel Terrible But I Guess I Should Sleep Now.

The next day--yesterday--was really difficult. I had forgotten how difficult it could be. I had actually forgotten what it feels like to have those thoughts right beneath your skin, pressing and crawling and burning. Pressing behind my teeth. Crawling through my hands. Burning within my stomach. Invading every moment. Every moment was a struggle. EVERY. MOMENT.

I had seriously contradictory feelings about the whole thing. Part of me wanted to talk about the failure all the time, and part of me really wanted never to speak of it again. I wanted to tell everyone, scream it out on the street, but at the same time I didn't want to bring it up to anyone at all ever.

I felt like the biggest attention-whoring drama queen in existence {and after this post, you probably will too XD}.

Sam came over that night. He and Sarah and I watched the Olympics for like 3 hours. I hadn't eaten all day, so I had some pizza. Then I had ramen. My body was starving, but it felt wrong to eat. Had it not been for people around, I know I wouldn't have. It really worries Sarah when she thinks I'm not eating enough.

Apart from a hilarious chase scene between me and Sam-the-Cellphone-Thief, I wasn't really fun the whole night. I mostly sat on the couch and thought negative things about myself XD I did a completely atrocious job of disguising my mood, and felt really awful about that. But somehow I couldn't force myself to be happier, funnier, more alive.

Dunno why, but Sam stayed around with me. {Sam, I swear I'll be more fun next time you see me. I'll figure out how, and I'll make myself not be terrible XD Promise.} He probably would have stayed longer than he did, but my parents weren't home and it was late and we both knew he needed to go.

Today has been better. A lot better, actually. I didn't expect it to get this much easier this quickly. {And the screwed up part of me says, "See, no problem. You can bounce back in a couple of days. Go for it again." Gah, shut the hell up.}

I have a lot of days to go before I'll be back where I was on July 31st. But I know I CAN do it--I have before. I know what a 20-month clean streak feels like, but more importantly, I know what it feels like to lose it, and I have no plans to let that happen ever again.

I KNOW what I can do. I'm STRONGER this time. I'm MORE determined. I'm MORE sure of what I want.

Huh. "Go back a little to leap farther." Maybe that quote isn't so far off after all.

{Not that I recommend leaping back XD}

Here we go again, guys. Here's to getting through the rest of Day 2.


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