Monday, February 20, 2012

I'll Tell You What's Up

"...her heart in turmoil torn." ~ The Odyssey

{WARNING: This is a highly emotional and volatile post. I did no editing. I just let it flow. And it ended up a bit more...well, a bit MORE than I originally intended. So. Be ye warned.}

I've been feeling...weird lately. I was going to say "terrible," but that seems a little extreme.

It mostly hits on Sundays. At church. During the week, I feel like I want to get closer to God. I read my Bible, and pray, and usually God and I have a pretty good time. But then Sunday rolls around, and my pastor tells us to "close our eyes and let God lay someone on your heart whom you could mentor."

And I squeeze my eyes shut and hear/see/feel/get no one. Just a blank mind filled with those red and teal swirls and sparks that happen when you close your eyes too hard. But nothing particularly God-sent.

This did not used to be a problem for me. I used to wonder what the big deal was about hearing God, because I literally heard him whenever I felt like it. If I didn't know what to do, I'd pray, listen, and God would actually put the thought in my mind. It was awesome. And easy.

But lately, it's neither. My mind is a hollow, empty void surrounded by a steal wall. Apparently I'm not letting God in anymore.

So now my closeness issues aren't just keeping me from deep friendships, they're blocking me from GOD?


Then there's school stress. I don't even mean getting into college. I don't even mean financial aid. I don't even mean senioritis. I meant that every week I have one, or two, or fifteen projects due. It is terrible. I've started being really half-assed about stuff, which isn't usually how I operate.

And dealing with my friends is also hard. "A" doesn't talk to me anymore. "B" wants to date one of my friends who is not interested and uses me as a middle-girl. I bug "C" all the time and so am afraid of ruining that friendship. "D" is just one of those people who complicates things. "E" is getting MARRIED. "F" is still in love with me {it has been five years. The answer is still no.}. Etc. Etc. ETC.

And whenever I try or even THINK about trying to talk about these things...I immediately feel like an attention-whore.

Nothing is wrong! I swear! I'm fine. I really, honestly am FINE. There's nothing wrong with me or my life. But for some reason, my brain doesn't GET that. It makes problems anyway. It flips itself into overdrive and mulls things over until I feel miserable.

I can't talk about this stuff because I'm doing it all to myself. I don't NEED help, therefore I don't DESERVE help. For me to want to talk about things is selfish and stupid and petty and unnecessary and attention-whoring. Even writing this BLOG POST feels utterly abhorrent and wrong.

It's also winter, which I hate. Although we did just get some snow, which I love. It was beautiful. And is supposed to melt today :'(

Somehow this all seems to culminate on Sundays though. When I'm sitting in church, you know, NOT hearing God, and suddenly I feel so lost and sick and dizzy that I just want to sit down. Or go sleep forever. Or throw up.

I don't know what God is saying to me. I don't know how to deal with my friends. I don't know what friends God likes and which ones he hates. I don't know which friends I should keep and which ones I should move on from. I don't know when to let go or pull closer and I DEFINITELY don't know when or how to open up.

So I just end up mouthing the words to the songs, clapping without making a noise, smiling without using my eyes. I end up trying not to vomit on the front row, and wishing I could connect with the pastor's sermon.

I end up feeling like I should leave the room, or the building, or the city because I don't belong where I am. I feel like a fake, a fraud, a hypocrite. I feel like being in church is wrong. Not because I don't believe, but because my mind is so riveted on other things. I feel like I should sort myself out before I come to God. I can't even give him the space in my head he deserves because it's crammed with other stuff.

I know I need to MAKE room for God. I know that's how it works; I've heard that all my life. But how do I make room for God when I don't know how to push other things out of the way?

Yes, I know I'm eighteen, and a senior, and that this will all blow over. I know you who are older probably felt the same way. I know I'm supposed to feel this way to a certain extent. I know it's not really as big a deal as it seems. I know in three years, this will seem silly and I'll laugh it off. But guess what?


If this whole post didn't do it, I know that paragraph probably made me sound like a completely bitch. I really am sorry. You guys are awesome and shouldn't have to put up with this.

But guess what? I didn't make this blog for you. I made this blog for ME. I made it so that I wouldn't have to worry about saying the wrong thing. I made it so that when I feel like shit, I can say so. So, hey, guess what again?

I feel like shit.



  1. aww :/ I wish I knew what to say to make everything better... I'll be praying for you.

    Love always,
    Alana <3

  2. Not trying to go all preachy and "adult" on you, but here are a few pieces of knowledge I've learned over the years that might help some:

    About friends - I wrote this a while ago on MU; maybe it might help a bit:

    About God/church - don't feel like a fake or a hypocrite if you go to church and your mind is a jumble and you're focused on other things. I've often found that that's the BEST time to be in church and thinking out your problems. So you're not listening to the sermon and you can't find a way in which it is applicable to you and your current set of worries - that's okay. I really don't think that God demands that kind of attention. I think he only cares that you let Him into your problems one way or another - where and when doesn't matter so much.

    You're not being disrespectful if you go to church and can't seem to focus on church. Making room for God is not exclusive of the "other things" that seem to be taking up the space that you normally reserve for Him. Think of it this way - try bringing God into that same space. When you're in church, invite God into those problems while you're sitting there. So many people think of church as a time for you to sit there and listen to God, when in actuality, it's also a time for Him to sit and listen to YOU.

    Also, I'm older, but this IS as big as it seems right now. Here's another thing - adults often spent tons of time feeling the exact same way that you do right now, and often about the very same things. Friendship issues don't suddenly work themselves out with age. Sure, there's some wisdom gleaned from experience that we can apply to our situations, but a lot of the time, we're still trying to figure crap out, too.

    I'm thinking of you, Stephanie. I'm always here if you ever need to talk. xoxo

  3. I've felt the exact same way about God (I'm Jewish) for the last couple of years. I go through the motions without feeling what I used to. So I guess I don't have a solution? But best of luck :)
    Oh! One thing that helps me is to list, out loud, things which I'm thankful for every morning.

  4. I think JW Moxie said it best. Most of what you're going through to me sounds like adult worries. As unhelpful as this is, they don't really go away. I think the only worry you listed that you'll grow out of is school stress.

    The only thing I'll add is, even if you go to worship God but feel your mind is somewhere else, don't you think it's good that you still went? To me that says "I don't feel 100% right now, but I'm here and even though I can't really concentrate I'll still get something out of this."

  5. life is tough. and it doesn't really get easier as you get older, it just gets different. i don't really feel like i have to say a lot to you because everyone else pretty much covered it all. i just say, if you have a lot on your mind that's keeping you from God, give it to Him. Say 'here you go, Jesus. I'm not going to worry about this anymore because i know you'll take care of it and me' which is probably easier said than done. but you are strong and smart and you have a lot of people who care about you, so you will be okay, i know it.