Thursday, March 24, 2011

Melodramatic Arachnids

I turn on the radio nice and loud. I brush my hair. I undress. I step into the hot water of the shower. The warm, beating drops feel good on my face. I get out the soap and get started. My eyes wander to the ceiling...the corner...


I freeze, that tiny jolt of adrenaline jamming into my stomach. It's small. It's just the simple black kind. But ew. Gross.

Now I'll have to spend the entire shower with my eyes glued to that corner. Not my idea of a relaxing 15 minutes.

I could just get out and go find a shoe or something. Or my mom. But I have soap on me now, and anyway, it's really stupid.

The spider is more scared of you than you are of him.

That's what it WANTS you to think.


I speed through the washing process, craning my neck to watch the Spider. I know it's ridiculous, so I try to limit myself to one glance every so often. But I just know that every second I'm not watching is a second he could be getting somewhere without my knowledge. So I keep staring.

Shampoo next. I naturally face the direction of the Spider, so it shouldn't be too hard to keep an eye on him. Lather, lather...I'll have to step closer to the Spider to get the tips of my hair. If I stay where I am, the water will just wash the shampoo off right away...

You're being ridiculous, just step forward a little bit, out of the water.

I take the step. Spidey doesn't move. *relief*

I rinse the shampoo out--



I can just picture him strutting down the wall, his long legs brushing and wobbling in jerky, predatory movements. Or worse, what if he TRIES to move but just falls? No warning, just BAM. Spider on my leg. Or arm. Or FACE.

Do I even have time to do conditioner? Should I risk it? Should I just get out now? I haven't even shaved yet. That might just have to wait. But conditioner, I think I can do that.

I grab the bottle and squirt some out. I'll have to step closer to the Spider, out of the way of the water again. In a tremendous display of bravery, I inch forwards a bit and hastily spread in the conditioner.


I step back and go full-speed ahead, rinsing like nobody's business.

Has the Spider moved? I think so. I'm not sure. My eyesight is getting fuzzy from staring at the same spot for so long. Should I get out now? If I don't shave, I'll feel disgusting. I need to shave. But if I stick my leg out to shave, it'll be RIGHT UNDER THE SPIDER. It would be just ASKING for trouble. One little slip and he'd sure be on my leg. Ewwwwww...

I decide to risk it. I tear the little plastic thing from my razor and uncap the shaving gel. Squirt, lather... Now the moment of truth. I stick my leg out to shave, directly under Spidey.

On your mark. Get set. GO.

*shaveshave--the Spider's still frozen--shaveshaveshave*

Right leg down.

*squirt, lather, shaveshaveshave--So far so good--shaveshave*

Left leg down.

*rinse, replace plastic thingy, recap shaving gel*

Can it be? Am I really finished?

*shut off water*

So, I made it. The Spider is still there, and I'm safe. I'm pretty sure the shower was a speed record, too. Hopefully you found this amusing. Personally I see nothing funny about a girl being threatened in her own bathroom.

Well, maybe a little.

Anyone else have great Spider stories?



  1. *shivers* Yeah, you pretty much summed up a few past showers.....why must spiders be so darn creepy?!? Yuck. And I hate it when they're in the shower!!!!


  2. Spiders are creepy because they are.
    I just don't know why they love hanging out in the shower. Voyeurs if you ask me. Adds to the creepiness.

  3. SICK!!!! Gross gross gross, as soon as I saw the thumbnail I freaked out. I have a ridiculously pathetic case of arachnophobia. One time I was just chillin on my couch and I felt a little itch on my neck, I go and itch it and realize it's a spider and it had flung DOWN MY SHIRT!!!! I then start to panic and freak the F$#& out dancing around. I didn't know if it was still on me so while I'm screaming and twitching I noticed it was back on the couch. The worst part is that I was home alone and no one was there to kill it for me. For some reason I can't muster up the courage to kill a spider, so I basically scream and cry until it's out of my sight. Yeah, I know, I have problems.

  4. this was hysterical. made me laugh.
    but yeah, spiders are pretty sick. and scary.
    you are a brave, brave soul for still going through with that shower. me, i would not have done it. i cant stand spiders, and its really difficult being anywhere near them. ESPECIALLY a shower. round of applause for you, brave girl.

  5. Lily: I know! It's like, no escape... O_O

    Psycho: I have no idea either. But it's obnoxious. And inconvenient.

    Kristen: Oooh grosss >.< I hate killing them, but my fear of them alive is always greater.

    Sweet Pea: Laughing FTW. And thank you, I would not turn down a medal. It was a bit terrifying.