11 Things

Hazel tagged me :D Cool. This is great because 1) I ran out of things to say today and 2) it looks fun.

THE RULES
#1 You must post these rules
#2 You must post 11 things about yourself
#3 You must answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and create 11 new questions for people you tag to answer
#4 You must tag 11 people to do this meme and tell them on their blog!

11 THINGS

1. I can't do a flip under water.

2. I think I'm obnoxious about 60% of the time.

3. Especially when I've had a lot of caffeine. I enjoy Coca-Cola, so this is often.

4. I don't really wear sunscreen.

5. But I don't really ever burn either.

6. I'm in the process of watching "Face Off."

7. With Sam.

8. It's not as good as I remembered XD

9. I cheat on these things.

10. By splitting up my sentences.

11. Because I like questions better than statements and I want to get to those.

HAZEL'S 11 QUESTIONS

#1 How are you currently feeling? At this moment I am quite happy. Sleepy, and if I allow myself to think, stressed--but quite happy.
#2 What's the first thing you think of when I say...cheese? Burger...
#3 Night or day? Noctus.
#4 Do you collect anything? Hm, I used to collect like six million things. Right now I mostly collect...like, lists.
#5 Have you ever been stung by a bee? I have not. I HAVE been stung by a wasp though.
#6 What side of the bed do you sleep in? I have a twin bed, so the different sides aren't hugely discernible. But I think I alternate.
#7 Can you drive a car? I can. It is also now legal for me to do so.
#8 Do you have a job? What is it? Um. No. :3
#9 State one thing you love about the country you live in? The foundation of freedom.
#10 Do you like answering memes? I actually kind of love it, because I'm narcissistic.
#11 Favourite actor/actress? Actor...Christian Bale. Actress...I can't think of one. Wait, Jennifer Lawrence.

11 NEW QUESTIONS

1. Panda or koala?

2. Would you rather shoot one friend or ten total strangers?

3. What's your favorite number? Why?

4. Where do you see yourself in five years?

5. What is your scariest memory?

6. Do you like peanut butter?

7. Would you rather be too hot or too cold?

8. Does it annoy you when people point out innuendos?

9. What happens when you get really hungry?

10. Have you ever broken anything? How?

11. If you could add or subtract a member of your family, what would you do? {E.g., "I would get rid of my psychopathic aunt" or "I would have an older brother."}

11 TAGGEES

1. Sara

2. Sonja

3. Shena

4. Sarah

5. Steph

6. Sceryth {/Jordan}

7. Sweet Pea

8. Psycho Babbling Basher

9. Shruti

10. Shayq'an

11. Sam

Yeah. All "S" sounds. 'Cause I had exactly the right number of S people to be able to do that. It just worked out.

I'm super tired guysssss.

~Stephanie

Why Does This Happen?

His music isn't my style {although I admit "Whataya Want From Me?" has a significant number of plays on my iPod}. However, he's hott. It just figures that he's gay.

Adam Lambert, guys.

~Stephanie

Graduation

Thanks for following, Lisa and Jessie!

Today, I graduate high school. Today is the official end of an era and the theoretical beginning of a new one.

My classes have been finished for over a month now, so the ceremony feels a little disconnected from my actual high school career. All the same, it's a big milestone, and something to add to my list of "Noteworthy Personal Events" in my Twenty-Twelve journal.

{You have my permission to laugh.}

I'd feel a lot better about graduating if I had solid college plans for the fall though XD I tell you, I never imagine myself in a position like this. Absolutely not. All my life I assumed I would apply to Wake Forest, get accepted, and go. No gap year. No community college. Nothing but a smooth transition to Wake Forest in the fall of 2012.

Well, that's not gonna happen XD I just have to believe that it's not happening for a reason. Hopefully I'll see that reason sooner rather than later.

But ANYWAY, happy graduation to me and a lot of my friends! I still haven't gotten any of your presents {except for Sam's} and when I do they will probably be lame because I suck at gifts!

Yeah. I'm gonna...go...now.

~Stephanie

Five-Oh

Today, my dad turns 50 :O

My dad and I used to be really close. Like he was one of my best friends and probably my favorite person in the world. But for some reason over the past couple of years we've started to become distant. I barely ever see him now; he has a lot of meetings to go to, and I'm gone more evenings than I'm home. {A license will do that, I'm beginning to realize.}

His memory and hearing have also gotten worse than EVER, so even when we do talk it's pretty much just an endless stream of frustration and impatience from me.

When we do talk, it's mostly about my not doing chores or not putting forth enough effort to get into Wake Forest. {Both are quite legitimate complaints on his part.}

Earlier this week, we scheduled a trip to Wake Forest and my mom couldn't go. So it would be just me and my dad in the car alone together for an hour and a half. I wasn't dreading it or anything, but I wasn't particularly happy about it either.

We went out to the car and he got in the passenger seat. Alright then, guess I was driving.

I made a playlist of Coldplay and Florence + the Machine and we drove for a while.

Then suddenly--and I'm literally not even sure how this came about--we started talking. We skipped every form of small talk and surface chatter and went straight and sure into the deep stuff I'm dealing with.

My lack of motivation in life

My apathy towards all hobbies except dance

My secret hiatus from Christianity

My desire to live without boundaries

My fear of being a bad role model

All of that was thrown right out in the open, willingly, by me. I'm not sure what happened, but suddenly I was talking about all that, in a low, even voice.

Daddy: "Wow. I've been feeling the exact same way."

...

I'm sorry, what?

Suddenly we were equals. It wasn't liked talking to my pastor or my teacher or even my father. It was like talking to a new friend. He didn't have all the answers, and for once in my life he was being totally open about that. He wasn't even PRETENDING to know what was up in order to help me through my crises.

It was almost unnerving. My perfect dad was telling me that he sometimes wanted out of this life; that he was fed up and didn't always feel like being a Christian; that he could understand why people got drunk.

Daddy: "...I probably shouldn't have said that >.> *laughs*"

Me: "Maybe not. But I think it would have been worse not to."

We talked about not wanting to do ANYTHING, not even NOTHING.

We talked about running away and living on a farm and growing food and that's all.

We talked about why we think God exists.

We talked about wanting to get away from your own self.

I even brought up this idea I've been having for a while: moving out and renting a house with friends.

Me: "Like with Cassidy and Sam...and Daniel or something..."

Expected reaction: "Hm, that's probably not the best idea. Especially you and Sam."

Actual reaction: "That would be AWESOME! In fact, I know a neighborhood that would be really cool to do that in. ...wanna go see it?"

Me: "Wh--I mean, yes!"

So we actually did that. We drove to this neighborhood near the college that I'll probably end up going to for a year and looked around. It's kind of awesome. Old and small and borderline-sketchy.

Daddy: "This is the perfect kind of place to rent a house like that. It would be so cool. I mean, the electricity would be temperamental and the plumbing wouldn't work right..."

Me: "Yeah! That actually sounds fun to me...hilarious 2AM stories and freaking out trying to fix things ourselves..."

Daddy: "Right?!"

It actually took him a little while to realize that it's weird for girls and guys to live together like that {especially when two of them are dating and one of them is his daughter}. He was genuinely disappointed when his sense of morality came back and he realized this.

Daddy: "Well dang. Maybe you could get houses NEXT to each other. That would still be cool."

We never exactly solved anything the whole car ride. We didn't come to a great conclusion about why we're dissatisfied with life, or why I should resume my life as a Christian, or how I should rent a house, or why I should try extra hard to get into Wake Forest.

We actually didn't even talk to anyone at Wake Forest, which was the entire point of the trip. The whole admissions staff was on retreat. But I'm almost positive that the reason Daddy and I drove to Wake Forest had nothing to do with my college future. God had something much more important in mind to fix.

He brought one of my best friends back into my life :) No, he introduced me to a totally new one. I love my dad, and I used to think he was great, but I've never felt so able to express myself to him than I did that Tuesday afternoon. I never stopped loving him, but now I LIKE him again. He's back to being a person that I would intentionally spend time with and tell things to.

Thanks for being so...awesome, Daddy. I love you. And happy fiftieth birthday!

~Stephanie

Twenty-Twelve

The other day, Hazel blogged about what she wants to do this summer. The day before I read her post, I'd made my own Summer To-Do List, so I figured I'd share mine as well :)

I hate the feeling at the end of the summer when I'm like, "But...there was so much I wanted to do!" Hopefully this year I'll be able to get through my list, because it's only eight freaking things long. Come on, Stephanie, you can pull this off...

1. Apply to my backup college.
Yeahh...that'd be good.

2. Get a job.
*sigh* Desperately. Need. To do this.

3. Catch lightning bugs.
Potentially with PC.

4. Go to the zoo.
:DDDD MUST DO THIS.

5. Write.
My souls needs this again.

6. Go to the lake.
It's literally a five-minute walk from my house. And somehow I don't go there enough.

7. Read 10 books.
Books are monumentally important.

8. Get back in shape.
I feel better when I am. I forgot about that.

~Stephanie

Heart Hacking

There is a whole area/category/set of things that I can't say. Not things like, "I actually hate your haircut" or "THEY ALL DIE IN CHAPTER SEVENTEEN," but nice things that I used to know how to express, and now can't. Things like, "I'm glad you came," "I love you," and "that meant a lot to me."

I used to be really good at saying those nice things. I used to be TOO good at saying those nice things. I'd let my emotions overwhelm me and take full control, resulting in endless torrents of sappiness and vulnerability. Everyone knew exactly how much they meant to me, and therefore exactly how much they could hurt me or get away with before I'd cut them off.

But then I realized what a vat of vulnerability I was and my face did this:

And I was like, "NEVER AGAIN" and put a tourniquet on my heart.

It was all *sadface* for a little while, but then it became natural. I drifted away from the friends who knew me as Emoti-Steph and got closer to the ones I hadn't ever opened up to anyway, so the change wasn't that obvious. Eventually people got used to me being sarcastic and cynical, and so did I.

It honest-to-God didn't bother me. I liked it. I embraced it. It was much easier, and I felt stronger. It felt like a victory to be able to roll my eyes at cute movie moments and honestly not give a crap when a cute animal died. I felt like a badass, and the best part was that there were only benefits to it. Being anti-sentimentality cut down on awkward moments, made it easier to handle situations, and virtually ensured that no one could hurt me--at least knowingly.

I've sort of talked about this before, in my post about being cynical. If you read that post, you'll remember that I ended on the note that I still felt that I was right in being a Scrooge and that I wasn't especially interested in being any other way. {<--run-on sentence} At least that's the attitude I look back and see in myself.

But for the first time in probably three years, I'm starting to give a damn about my heart again. {That sentence kind of makes me want to throw up, by the way.} There's no way I can or want to go back to being the sappy chica I was before, but...I'm starting to think that I don't enjoy being a rock all the time. It seems like I might actually be missing the freedom to open up at least on occasion.

However, I legitimately do not know how to start or where to begin with that. I cannot say sentimental things. I can't. It feels terrible and more often than not it gets thrown back in my face. I can't be open about my feelings. Or maybe more accurately, I won't allow myself to be. I locked up my heart and threw away the key, and now the whole world--including myself--is shut out XD

How does one break into a heart? How does one find the happy medium between vulnerable open book and heartless wad of sarcasm? Does a happy medium even exist?

I'm tentatively seeking the answers to these questions. But unfortunately talking about feelings involves feelings...imagine that. So it's a little difficult. But I shall probably keep you posted.

Heh, don't I always?

~Stephanie

I Went Through My Pictures The Other Day

~Stephanie

Break-Up Line Translation

Thanks for joining us, Johanna! Sorry I can't find a link to you.

Not always true. But this is lulz.

~Stephanie

20 Things

From Hazel at Pablo's Angel :)

Ever wanted an outlet to say all the things you know you never will?

THAT'S CALLED SECRET BLOGGING, HA.

No, just kidding. This tag is actually where it's at. Say 20 things to 20 people that you know you'll never tell them to their face. And don't tell who each thing is for. That kind of takes away from being irritating and secretive, which is pretty much what this is all about XD

Here we go. 20 Things.

1. Sometimes I think you cramp my style.

2. Would you man up and stop being such a nervous twelve-year-old? Good God. A little self-respect goes a long way.

3. I'm happy for you. But...ew.

4. I worry about you looking up to me. I wish you had a better role model.

5. My goal in life is to not be like you. Isn't that sad?

6. I miss you a lot.

7. The word is "valeDictorian," not "valeVictorian." And you think you're going to be it??

8. You really think I like a song solely because it has the F-bomb in it? How does that sound like something I would do? :P

9. You have B.O..

10. You definitely don't realize how much I think of you.

11. Your sister is prettier than you are.

12. Never mind. I can't say what I'm thinking anywhere, ever.

13. I'm really afraid you won't realize until it's too late.

14. It seems ridiculous that after nearly a decade, I still wonder what you're up to.

15. You're more fun now that you don't hang out with us. Isn't that unfortunate?

16. I wish you believed in yourself as much as I believe in you.

17. Why in the HELL are you here?

18. I want to be just like you when I grow up.

19. You are an absolute bitch diva, I don't see how anyone likes you, and I kind of hope you die alone. That would show you.

20. I really wish I were going to be around to see you grow up.

If you want this, take it. I look forward to stalking your irritating and secretive answers.

~Stephanie

:')

Sometimes writing doesn't make me happy.

Sometimes books don't make me happy.

Sometimes music doesn't make me happy.

Sometimes friends don't make me happy.

Sometimes warm weather doesn't make me happy.

But dance.

Dance always makes me happy.

When I dance, it isn't like my problems are solved. It's like they don't exist. When I dance, I can't have problems, because I don't have a mind. My brain becomes so whole that it encompasses itself and becomes a separate, quiet entity. All I have left is a warm, white sphere of wholeness. It's almost a little like sensory deprivation, but...not creepy.

Maybe "happy" isn't the right word for how dancing makes me feel. It's too thin, too petty. "Whole" is more what I feel. Like the shards of my life and heart have come together and suddenly--there's quiet. There's peace. There's power.

Dancing makes me feel--as cheesy as it sounds--like I can do anything.

While I'm dancing, there's only my soul, my body, and the music, beating and breathing together.

When I finish dancing, the world rushes back at me in a whirl of sensations. The colors, the sounds, the temperature, the ground beneath me. I'm back in my body, and I feel like I can do anything from here on out.

If I could just dance for the rest of my life, I'd be one of the happiest people in the world.

And today could potentially be my last dance recital ever.

Happy senior year to me :')

~Stephanie

TGIT!

People love Fridays, but I like...

Thursdays, Because...

1. Monday is a long way off, and the weekend is pretty close.

2. Collin only has spelling and reading on Thursdays, no heinous homework.

3. I do things with friends, because I have dance on Friday nights.

4. Sam doesn't work XD
5. It's the first day of my school week {I have class on Wednesday} so I can do nothing and not feel stressed XD

6. It's PAY DAY for me :D

7. All day I get to think "Tomorrow is FRIDAY!" XD

~Stephanie

Terminated

You might know that I tutor a first-grader named Collin every day at 4 o'clock. Sometimes I hate the kid, but a lot of the time he's pretty cool, and I love, love, LOVE watching him improve in reading. He's such a real little person. It's great.

I've been gone a lot recently, what with Italy and the senior beach trip, and I totally missed the little guy. The week between Italy and the beach was a ton of fun with him, because he'd missed me too. He was extra good and fun and gave me pictures of my favorite animal {white tiger}. I was happy when I drove to his house on Monday at 3:55.

His mom answered the door, I complimented her new haircut, and she said,

"Thanks! Collin actually doesn't have homework."

"Oh," I said, surprised. "Well, cool." I'll just go home and continue to unpack my bloated suitcase.

"He made his reading goal," Mrs. Deanna continued. "and they don't have homework for the rest of the year."

"Oh." My mind stopped and focused on the moment. "Wait. Oh. Oh, he doesn't have any homework...ever...?"

Mrs. Deanna nodded, smiling. "Yep, he's good. He still has to read three times a week to keep up the skill level, but no more homework."

"Well, that's awesome!" I said, smiling. "How cool. You must be glad."

She nodded. "The peace around the house has been great."

"Awesome," I repeated. "So, you want me to come three times a week?"

"Nope," Mrs. Deanna shook her head. "No, we've got it. He's doing great with us now."

"Oh. That's great!" I shifted my weight. "I'll just see you guys on Sundays then."

"Sounds good. Thanks so much, Stephanie!"

"No problem..."

She called the dog back inside and shut the door as I got into the Kia, turned my music back on, and maneuvered down their driveway.

Today hasn't been that great for me emotionally. I haven't been crying or anything, and nothing awful has happened, but I've been scared out of my mind and finding it difficult to breathe.

I'm about to leave my entire life behind me, whether physically if I get into Wake Forest, or symbolically if I end up getting a job and ceasing to be a child.

I cleaned my room today and almost flipped out. Just seeing normal things puts me on the edge of an emotional abyss of...void. I'm trying to hold on to things that are constant, like my family and...I mean, and God...and...well, I've been having trouble coming up with things that are solid.

It never occurred to me that I'd be losing my tutoring before school was out. I knew the end was near, but I didn't think I'd run right into it. I didn't realize I was about to hit a cement wall of k-thanks-bye.

Mrs. Deanna was very nice about it, and it wasn't as if I were getting FIRED or something. Losing that job is difficult and sad because I owe my parents $100 a month for being a dumbass and getting in a car wreck, and tutoring was my only source of income.

But the money isn't what hit me the hardest. It was driving down their driveway for the last time. It was saying "bye" to their poodle for the last time. It was knowing I'd never have to be home by 3:55pm again. It was knowing I'd never hear Collin say, "Ooh, that was ninja E" or "NO PEEKING" or "Is that gonna be your new favorite book?" again.

I'm gonna miss Collin the Demon Seed. I'm gonna miss pretty much everything about it, I realize now. The challenge of making him get things correctly, the joy of watching him understand, the fun of having lightsaber duels when we finished early, even the tantrums and days when it takes him an hour and a half to spell six words.

I'm gonna miss him, but the worst part was the abruptness. I had no idea his homework didn't continue up til the last day of school. Yesterday I had a steady income and a kid's education in my hands. Today all I have is an empty wallet and a hole in my chest.

One of the last few things I could count on has been yanked out from under me. I don't like this whole "growing up" thing.

~Stephanie

Senior Prom

The Cast of Senior Prom

Starring:

YOURS TRULY, OF COURSE.

Cassidy - my best friend

Sam - my boyfriend

Daniel - my brother

David - my brother

Rose - David's girlfriend

Kirsten - my pretty-much-second-best-friend

James - Kirsten's pretty-much-boyfriend

Gabe - awesome guy from class

Meredith - Cassidy's friend

Tori - this chick I dislike

Brandon - Tori's boyfriend

Emma - Tori's slave

Emily - Tori's friend

Curtis - Emily's date (boyfriend?)

Last year's prom was not that great for me. My dress was not my favorite, my hair uncurled completely before dinner even began, the music was horrible, and the whole thing had a pretty tough act to follow. {I'd had a great time sophomore year.}

This year, senior prom, was a huge deal to me and all my girl friends. We agreed that senior prom is pretty much the most important day until your wedding. Being myself, I wanted everything to be perfect. Perfect.

My mom reminded me that NOTHING is ever perfect, and the best thing I can do is decide to have a good time no matter what. I tried to take that advice to heart as May 12th rapidly approached.

The whole week before prom was the senior beach trip. Because of that, all the girls were slightly paranoid as we went around having fun.

"We canNOT get sunburned."

"GUYS, I'M GETTING A ZIT!"

"Oh jeez. Now I have a bikini strap tan line! My dress only has one strap!"

"I'm not gonna fit INTO my dress!"

"Let's do core exercises and try to work off all this fooooood..."

Add to all that fretting the fact that I still hadn't made a hair appointment, even though hair for senior prom was really, really important to me. I hadn't been happy with my hair the first two years I went to prom, and senior year had to be PERFECT.

And yet it was the day before prom and I still hadn't done anything about it.

Ahaha. I'm such a retard. My solution to being stressed about things tends to be, "Don't even attempt! Just pretend to ignore it and give yourself stomach ulcers while it constantly plagues your consciousness!"

But somehow, the first place my mom and I walked into on Saturday morning had an open appointment. I explained to the lady what I wanted, and she got busy.

I was pretty nervous the whole time, partly because she kept saying, "Oh lawd, I don't know what I'm doin'" and partly because she was braiding my hair in a way that made me look like a Fraulein Helga.

But it turned out kind of amazing. I was incredibly happy :)

Then I had to get home and do makeup and nails and put on the dress.

Nails: Black with white tips.

Makeup: Actually a bit lighter than usual, with gray eyeshadow.

Dress: Oh guys. The dress.

I kind of loved my dress. A lot. I never saw one I liked better. I scoured malls and stalked pictures and scanned prom, but I never saw a dress I liked better than mine :) It was an amazing feeling, and one I'd never had before.

As I finished putting on my makeup, my mom stuck her head in and said with an amused look on her face, "Sam's already here."

Me: "What?! Well. I told you he'd be early."

{In case any of you knew me back when I ~Carpe Diem~'d, I'll tell you that this Sam is, in fact, the "Cavender" I went to prom with sophomore year XD}

I finished getting ready on time and went upstairs. We took pictures, picked up Cassidy and her friend, and went to the designated Pretty Outdoor Place Where You Take Group Prom Pictures. That was mostly a fail because none of us wanted to take pictures and we only ended up with, like, one picture with everyone looking good.

Next stop, Macaroni Grill. The food was good and the friends were fun.

We arrived at prom earlier than I ever have before: only thirty minutes after the official beginning.

Honestly, the actual prom part of prom wasn't good. I think the music was better than last year, but it was still bad. We all danced a little bit at the beginning {Sam kinda taught me salsa XD}, but when we stepped outside to get fresh air, things went a little downhill.

Sam was obviously having the farthest thing from a good time. I figured it was because of the bad music and awkward atmosphere. I didn't like those things either, but I still wanted to make the best of it and wait it out. Proms for me tend to improve as the nights go on. It takes me an unfortunate length of time to loosen up and have fun.

Much of prom was spent sitting at a table outside, trying to dance with my friends, or standing alone. I wanted to dance at least once with Sam, but he wouldn't take the hints. When four of my friends tried independently to make him dance with me, it graduated from missing hints to actually not wanting to dance with me. It took my friend Gabe coming over and saying, "DANCE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND. NOW. DO IT. NOW." to make it happen.

Eventually I decided to shut off the valve of sadface emotions and go dance with my friends. Things got a lot better when I just went for it and embraced whatever happened. After a minute Sam came and danced with us too.

I found out the next day that Sam felt like crap at prom, which explained a lot. I knew there had to be more to the situation. I wish I'd known earlier though.

After the dance, we went bowling. That was probably the most fun part of the night. Kirsten was a BEAST at bowling, which none of us--including her--knew before. The music at the bowling ally was ten times better than it had been at prom. We danced some.

A little after 2am, we called it a night and went our separate ways. I was really, really, really tired for Mother's Day the next day XD

Senior prom was a night to remember. It wasn't perfect, and a lot of times it wasn't actually that fun, but it was at least my best-looking prom XD I'm not torn up about it now. It's all good.

The moment you've all been waiting for...PICTURES. Captions on the bottom.

Me and Sam

We matched :3 I've always wanted to do that.

This makes me laugh every time I see it. He hates needles a lot. And I didn't know what I was doing XD

Me and my best friend, Cassidy :D Our dresses almost kind of matched.

This prettttty much describes the three of us XD

My mom, Sam, me, Daddy. I just realized I have zero pictures of me and my sister :((((((

This is what most of the group pictures came out like XD

Not bad.

James, Kirsten, Sam, me, Daniel, Cassidy, David.

The WHOLE group.

Curtis, Emily, Brandon, Tori, Emma, James, Kirsten, Sam, me, Daniel, Cassidy, David, Meredith

Well, we weren't gonna go bowling in our prom dresses XD

Emma, me, and Kirsten doing part of "the Wobble."

~Stephanie

I'm Still Living, Loving, Laughing, Learning and Blogging About It

I like you guys. I trust you. You're nice to me. I'm not ashamed to be myself around you. So I've, somewhat suddenly, decided to tell you who I was before I was Stephanie, before I was fully myself in the blogosphere.

I know for a fact that six of you knew me before as...

Kendra Logan :) ~Carpe Diem~

Surprised? Disappointed? Freaked out?

Kendra was me, and she still is. There's just more to me now. Stephanie is me, the whole me, and nothing but the me XD

However, if you don't mind, I'd like this blog to stay largely unknown to the ~Carpe Diem~ crowd. A lot of the people who read ~CD~ know me in real life, and most of the personal issues talked about here are still on the down-low to them. A lot of the bloggers over there would judge me harshly and/or rudely, and I don't have the patience to deal with that right now.

So yeah. Interesting development?

~Stephanie

American Secrets

~Stephanie

This vs. That: Loneliness

Being lonely and being alone are not the same thing.

Have you ever thought about this? Sometimes you feel so frightfully alone among people. And sometimes you sit at home by yourself and feel perfectly fine.

I think "lone" is more a mental or emotional concept than a physical one. It has to do with your own mind.

I know there is more to this concept, and I should really flesh this post out and come to an actual conclusion, but I can't think straight right now. I might come back and write more, but maybe not. Maybe I'll talk more on it later.

*sigh* Sorry. I feel like things have started to slide. My life isn't terrible, but it's a full-time job. Maybe it'll get better soon.

I used the word "maybe" four times in this post. Uncertainty reigns.

~Stephanie

"A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company." ~ Gian Vincenzo Gravina

Troll Face Week: True Story

~Stephanie

Troll Face Week: Math

~Stephanie

Troll Face Week: Mom Logic

~Stephanie

Troll Face Week: Dog

~Stephanie

Troll Face Week: Spider

~Stephanie

Troll Face Week: Study

I'm at the beach :D So this week I'm cheating by posting Troll Face comics that have made me laugh hard enough to merit a "Save" to My Pictures.

~Stephanie

A Fill-Out

This is the most, like, personal, tag I've ever done. It's taking me a long time to figure out if I'm going to post it. But if you're reading this, I guess I decided to go through with it. After all, it's liberating, right? XD

o_o

1. Why my last relationship ended: Hm. Because he had commitment issues and I had communication ones.

2. Favorite band: Linkin Park

3. Who I like and why I like him/her: Sam, because clearly we have something and between the two of us we make almost a whole person XD

4. Hardest thing I've ever been through: The college decision, which I am in the middle of as I type this.

5. My best friend: Cassidy :D

6. My favorite movie: There are so many. Like, there really are. Batman Begins, Inception, The Godfather, 50/50, Troy, Ocean's Eleven, 21 Jumpstreet, Tangled...

7. Sexual orientation: Straight.

8. Do I smoke/drink? Nope, and I intend to be able to say that forever.

9. Do I have any tattoos or piercings? No tattoos, but I have my ears pierced (two per ear).

10. What I want to be when I get older: Happy

11. Relationship with my parents: My dad used to be my favorite person in the world. We're not even really friends now, and it breaks my heart. I used to hate my mom, but she's gotten weirdly smarter the last few months, so we're kinda cool with each other now XD

12. One of my insecurities: That I'm actually incredibly lame and will not make anything of myself at all ever.

13. Virgin? Yup.

14. Favorite place to shop: Barnes & Noble? XD

15. My eye color: Azul y verde

16. Why I hate school (or work): Because I'm tired of it.

17. Relationship status as of right now: Unavailable? *edits later* In a relationship XD

18. Favorite song of the moment: "Dance Dance" by Fall Out Boy

19. A random fact about myself: I have terrible fingernails, and it really bothers me.

20. An age I get mistaken for: I got mistaken as a freshman earlier this year XD {I'm a senior.}

21. Where I want to be right now: ANYWHERE BUT HERE. LITERALLY. {Exceptions include situations that would result in my dying.}

22. Last time I cried: March 11th, after the wreck when my dad was terrible to me.

23. Concerts I've been to: Lols, like tobyMac, Third Day, Relient K XD

24. What would you do if...: I really don't understand this question at all.

25. Do you want to go to college? So much :-/

26. What's your favorite body part? My brain :P

27. What's your most embarrassing moment? I was once talking to a guy I liked about names and said, "Well, when we have kid--o_o..."

28. What's your favorite flower? I dislike the way flowers smell actually, but I like the way orchids look.

29. What's the shortest a person could be before you just wouldn't date them? Like 6ft, because I'm 5'8" and love to wear heels. But I mean, if he was outrageously awesome, he could be 5'9", I suppose XD

30. How are you? I've been so much better.

Holy lord. I TAG EVERYONE. MWAHA. HA.

*runs away*

~Stephanie

Jesus

Kinda like that.

~Stephanie

Ooh. So It's THAT Kind of Post.

I am actually going to write a post now. This is not a comic. This is not a picture I found on Facebook. This is not a fill-out. This is not a quick complaint that I didn't even proofread.

(**EDIT: It is a complaint. But I swear I proofread it...**)

*takes a deep breath*

I haven't written, really written, in so long. Do you know when the last time I wrote any scrap of fiction was? February 16th. The last time I put some effort or thought into a legit story of mine? NaNoWriMo back in November.

I go through phases like this every once in a while, and I always think I'm losing myself. I think my imagination has shriveled up and died and I'll never write again. I think I'm a totally different and terrible person and I'm not turning out the way I want.

At least I've learned to recognize it as a pattern, because the last few days, I've kinda felt like that XD Again.

Do I feel like myself? Not really. But I don't exactly feel like a fake either. I feel like a new person, and I'm not sure I like this person. But I'm well on my way to becoming this person forever.

I don't write anymore. It isn't because I'm uninspired. I have plenty of inspiration lying around. If I would just look it in the eye and say, "Okay, I'm ready to write," I could fill a notebook right now. So why don't I?

I think I'm scared.

I'm scared that it won't be any good, but what I'm most afraid of is not finishing. Anything. Ever. With the exception of the five Fire Fairy books and some short stories, that's true. I have never finished a story.

I think my defense mechanism is just not trying. If I don't try, I can't fail.

But I also can't succeed.

"...at the worst, if he fails at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." ~ Theodore Roosevelt

I used to think that way. I used to scorn people who wouldn't take risk or were too lazy to try. I still scorn those people, but the problem is now I'm also one of them.

In addition to being apathetic about writing, I'm starting to become that way about college.

The deadline for my second choice school, where I got accepted, has passed and I didn't accept. All the other deadlines are passed too. Right now, I'm holding out for my #1 university where I've been Wait Listed. Unfortunately more students than usual accepted their acceptance and are going, which means it's more than likely I won't get in.

I sent in some examples of my writing to at least set me apart from my fellow Wait Listers, but I never got a confirmation. I asked them to please let me know when they received the message but they never replied and I haven't recent the stuff.

I need to write a highly enthusiastic and articulate letter telling them that I'm still waiting and I know that Wake Forest is the place for me. I was gonna do that Tuesday, but I didn't and I still haven't and now it's Wednesday. I have plans for most of tomorrow and all of Friday and I'm attempting to make plans for Saturday. On Monday I leave to go to the beach for a week.

I also need a job. I'm honestly not sure how to go about getting one. My big idea is to walk into a bunch of stores that I wouldn't hate working at and say, "Hi, I'd like to apply for a job." But I haven't done that yet, ergo I have no job. I'm hoping to put that brilliant plan into action tomorrow, but I might be lying to myself. I'll find out.

I really don't want to work with food, but beggars can't be choosers and right now I'm pretty much a beggar.

Prom is also kinda stressing me out. But at least it's just the material parts of it, not the people or the idea of prom.

I love my dress, so yay. But I haven't tried it on with the shoes and earrings and I have no clue what I'm doing with my hair. Theoretically I'm getting it done by a professional this year, since I haven't been that happy with how it's looked the past two years. However, I don't know what I want my hair to look like and I haven't made an appointment yet. So that's stressful.

And dance. I love dance. I **LOVE** dance. And I'm very attached to my class and my studio. It's a very huge part of who I am. I could very easily get sentimental about it. And tonight was the last class I'll ever attend. I'm going to miss the actual LAST CLASS, where all the seniors are like "AWWWWWWWW" and everyone is like, "AWWW WE'LL MISS YOU *SOB*" and where my incredible teacher Mrs. Lauren will probably cry.

For some reason I really, really, really, really want to be there for that. I realized that tonight. That it means a lot to me to be there. But I won't be. 'Cause senior beach trip. Which will also be awesome and sentimental and full of people I love. But like...

Dance.

*sigh*

In the middle of all this, I'm losing my will to be a Christian. I don't know if I said that right. It's like, I think I do believe in God, and I think Christianity has it right. But at the same time, I'm so, so...just...

Not into it.

I've graduated from "I'm having a spiritually 'off' day" to "I am a total hypocrite who doesn't belong in the house of God and is having trouble giving a sh't about that."

>.<

I think Christianity is right, but I don't want to be part of it right now. It's too much responsibility. I have to be a good examples, repent, surrender myself to God and for some reason I just CAN'T GO THERE RIGHT NOW. So I feel like it would be better to remove the label of "Christian" than to be a fake.

Although it's not like I can tell that to anyone. Except you guys. And Cassidy. And Aaron. And Sam. Although Sam will probably try to find a way to make this his fault. It isn't.

And I've noticed that he just comments on posts in which I mention him. So he may comment on this one. Although since I just pointed that out, he might intentionally not say something. Although since I just point THAT out...

........alllllllllllright, I'm completely off topic now and no one understands what I'm saying.

I just. I don't know. I'm a lunatic. An absolute raving lunatic.

D: WHAT?!

Ugh >.<

~Stephanie

And to Think I Was Rich When I Was Ten...

My phone died. And I don't mean the go-get-the-charger kind of death, but an actual strangled gasp ending in a communication-starved Stephanie.

Actually, it's the screen that has bitten the dust. The PHONE is fine, which I think might be worse. I haven't decided. Because see, I can receive calls, but not tell who they're from. I can get text messages, but not read them.

My mom and dad have been helpful and extremely unhelpful, respectively.

Mom: "Well, we have to get her another phone."

Dad: "Stephanie, you have to start taking responsibility and paying for your own things."

If I had run over the phone with the Kia or chucked it in the lake while on a Coca-Cola high, I could understand that. However, I haven't done anything wrong. I take care of my phone. This unfortunate situation is completely unrelated to my level of responsibility.

Again, however, I do understand where my dad is coming from. In the real world, we often have to pay for things that aren't our fault. HOWEVER AGAIN. I am broke. Beyond broke. I was broke BEFORE we went to Italy, and I spent the last dregs of my collateral on highly worth it and memorable souvenirs.

But now I believe I might actually have a negative number in my checking account {which, "lulz"ily enough, is honestly not my fault either}.

I am also expected to pay my parents $100 a month until I die to pay for my car accident. I do not have $100. I might have 80 if I scraped together all the cash I have around my room and in secret savings pockets, but even that wouldn't be enough and then I'd REALLY, REALLY be monetarily screwed.

I'm also going on my senior trip next week and it would be really nice if I could eat and do fun things. But I know that's not going to happen. Yeah, it's my senior summer. It's my senior trip. But I have no job and I got in a car wreck, so my life is now quite screwed and it's all my fault.

And now my phone screen has died and I have to figure that out also. Fml.

*sigh* There wasn't really a point to this post except to complain, I suppose. I'm looking for a job as we speak. I really, really, really, really, really don't want to work with food, but I guess it's time to stop being picky. Who cares if I can never eat again? At this rate I'm headed towards that anyway.

~Stephanie

Dear Friends...

London Layover (4.15.12)

Dear Cass,

I sat behind a guy who had a growth on his earlobe. It would've bugged you.

Dear Sam,

Gah, everyone has a British accent :P

Dear Daniel,

I listened to Fall Out Boy basically all night. Do you like them?

Dear David,

Can't stop being excited about you and Rose. It's not even a big deal, but :D

Dear Ellie,

Accents make everything better, don't they?

Dear Alicia,

You always meet all the interesting people.

Dear Aaron,

I wonder if superhero stuff will be big in Italy too? :O

Sienna/Florence (4.17.12)

Dear Cassidy.

I've seen like 6 owl things so far. It's hard to resist.

Dear Aaron,

Superman stuff abounds! I've seen like 2 Batman T-shirts. I pretty much had to be dragged away.

Dear Sam,

Italian pug at 2 o'clock.

Dear Alicia,

I miss you so much. This feels wrong without you beside me on the bus.

Dear Everyone,

I HAVE ON BATMAN UNDERWEAR!

Dear Sam,

Our guide: "One of the best things about Italy is that we don't have a lot of urban sprawl." You love.

Dear Alicia,

It rained today. And I saw shoes. And purses.

Dear Alicia,

I think about you every time I open the windows :)

Second Day in Florence (4.18.12)

Dear Kirsten,

It rained cats and freaking dogs today. Great bonding time ;)

Dear Sam,

I saw one of my people today. But it was weird. He looked like Darth Mal.

Dear Aaron,

I saw Darth Mal.

Dear Cassidy,

It is cold and miserable. You'd love it.

Dear Daniel,

I've heard Italian thunder.

Traveling to Pisa (4.19.12)

Dear PC,

Catch-22 is so good.

Dear Cass,

Even you would be miserably cold right now. It's like 55 degrees on the bus, AC blasting, and I have on damp shoes and socks. I cannot wait for NC weather.

Dear Senora Millen.

I keep getting the urge to answer Italian with Spanish. *sigh* I miss you and Pass the Monkey already.

Dear Kirsten.

There's so much Nutella here :D I think about you at every breakfast.

Dear Alicia,

Cinque Terre flooded! Like, right now it's unvisitable. They're digging houses out of the mud :O

Dear Cassidy,

Just saw the most massive Ikea ever. Like 10 football fields of store. At least.

Hotel Outside Switzerland (4.19.12)

Dear Pandora,

Remember when I blogged Top 10 Guy Eyes and Wentworth Miller was on there, but I didn't actually know who he was? Well. He's in a movie that's on called Dinotopia XD

On the Way to Lake Como (4.20.12)

Dear Alicia,

TUNNELS! Lots of tunnels.

Dear Gabe,

I just had the horrible realization that we'll never be the pronunciation police together ever again :(

Dear Michael,

I keep hearing the accents of the Italian waiters and remember the mission trip. How people thought your fake Italian accent was legit? Ha XD

Dear Daniel,

Hm. I just miss you.

On the Way to Milan (4.21.12)

Dear Cassidy,

Our tour director says "ek cetera" instead of "et," and "tide you by" instead of "tide you over." Weird.

Venice (4.21.12)

Dear PC,

We heard music tonight like I've never heard in my life. The violin player was the most incredible musician I've ever seen or heard. I think them playing was the #1 most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm not even kidding. I wish you could've been there.

Dear Cassidy,

We just heard the most amazing violin player ever play the Titanic theme song! I actually almost cried it was SO BEAUTIFUL.

Dear Sam,

We took a gondola ride today and Sarah had to be packed next to this massive Russian guy. I laughed once we got off and said I was sorry for her. She raised an eyebrow and said to me, "Such is life in Soviet Russia." I think she misses you too XD

Pompeii (4.24.12)

Dear David,

I literally just saw a retarded running horse.

Back to Rome (4.26.12)

Dear Alicia,

I saw some cows today!

Dear Cass.

I took Motrin last night. I hate.

Dear Sam,

I almost bought a plaster penis as a joke. My dad said no.

Dear Cassidy,

I'm not afraid of dogs here. It is the weirdest thing. Nor do I get lost. I might need to move here.

Dear Aaron,

I dreamed about you the other night. I miss you.

Rome (4.26.12)

Dear Aaron,

I miss TJ. I'm going through withdrawls. Please tell me you've written some since I left.

~Stephanie