Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Linkin Park

**This post is personal and gritty, but turned into one of my favorites actually.**

Linkin Park is one of my top three favorite bands of all time. I love their sound, versatility and lyrics. Their sound is really my style, the mix of screaming and clean vocals sprinkled with plenty of minor keys. The lead singer, Chester Bennington, has a good singing and screaming voice. The band's lyrics are kind of angsty and angry, but not all of them, and at least their entire repertoire isn't centered around lust.

I was first introduced to them at age twelve when my nonbiological older brother was into them. Back then I was extremely sheltered and assumed anything not played on K-LOVE was trash from hell. The first song I ever heard was Papercut {which is now one of my very favorite songs} and I thought it was pretttty hard core.

After that fleeting introduction to the world of nu metal, I forgot about Linkin Park for years until...*winces*...the "Twilight" soundtrack came out. Leave Out All the Rest is on the soundtrack. On my first listen-through, I saw the Linkin Park number coming up and my eyes widened.

See, the nonbiological brother was a huge part of my childhood, and he'd cut himself out of the picture a year or so before. Just seeing the band name "Linkin Park" was a bit of salt in my heart wound. I didn't even think I'd like the band, but in a fit of masochistic honor for my brother, I decided to listen to the song anyway.

I loved it. I LOVED it. In a way that I'd never loved a song before. It was one of the first songs that really spoke to me. It was one of the first songs I hadn't listened to just for the beat. Because I was listening to it for my brother, it felt like he was singing the song to me, and the lyrics actually kind of fit. I think I even cried a little.

The song became my favorite for weeks. I did some exploring into the music of LP and the band never left my top three.

A few years ago when I started struggling with internet porn/erotica, Linkin Park grabbed onto my heart in a new way. Their songs expressed what I was feeling perfectly. I didn't have to try to figure myself out, they had already given my soul words.

It was like one day I woke up and realized that I really, truly, seriously had a problem. I'm not sure how I didn't see it before, but it took me a ridiculously long time to figure out that I was actually battling masochism and addiction. I realized that I had to Break the Habit or I was going to lose myself.

"I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit tonight."

This song perfectly expressed how I felt in the middle of it all. Like, Linkin Park literally took the words out of my mouth, heart, head. I actually wonder if the lyrics were written specifically about what I was going through. The song covers it all: the shame, the desperation, the loneliness, the helplessness, the hopelessness, the way it felt like my addiction was invading my mind. The way I would do ANYTHING to make it go away.

"If I change--I would
Take up the pain--I would.
Retrace every wrong move that I made--I would.
If I could stand up and the blame--I would.
If I could take all the shame to the grave--I would."

From the Inside was the song that spoke to me as I started to get angry and fed up with myself. I could no longer trust myself to do the right thing. The slightest thing would send my mind into the dark place where the dirty secrets grew. Something innocent would turn sexual in minutes. Just going online at all became dangerous. I hear the song sung from the good me to the dark me.

"Take everything from the inside
and throw it all away
'Cause I swear for the last time
I won't trust myself with you."

This song expressed how I felt coming out of the darkness: hesitantly hopeful. Can I do this? Will everything be okay? Does my mom still love me? I CAN do this. Everything WILL be okay. My mom DOES still love me.

"So let mercy come
and wash away
what I've done.
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become.
Erase myself.
And let go of what I've done.

For what I've done
I start again.
And whatever pain may come,
today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done."

And that's where I am today. It's still an every day struggle, some days are harder than others, but I'm getting through this. One day maybe I'll have the final breakthrough and really become the person I was meant to be, without all this despicable baggage. But until then,

I know it's not alright, so I'm going to take up the pain and throw it all away because I'm forgiving what I've done.

And so is God.



  1. Hey Stephanie! First of all, I LOVE LINKIN PARK. <3 CAN WE BE FANGIRLS TOGETHER? :D

    Also, I really admire your courage with talking so openly about your problems. Like you, I've been struggling with an addiction for a while (mine's actually SI...), but luckily TODAY I am one month free of SI! :D A band that I think you'd also really be able to relate to like I have is Breaking Benjamin. A couple of their songs are a bit triggering (especially if you've been dealing with SI like I have), but I feel like in order for me to get better I have to listen to those songs. I can honestly say I love every Breaking Benjamin song I know, their honesty and emotions are amazing. Ok, I'm gonna wrap this up now, because I'm starting to ramble. :)


    P.S. My blog is back!

  2. I think you already know this post means a lot to me Stephanie :) Your paragraph under From The Inside is so...exactly me. Thank you :)

  3. Lauren: ABSOLUTELY!

    Well thanks :) Congratulations!!! That's huge! I'm so happy for you! Keep it up. Once you get going I find it's easier to stay with it. When you feel close to crumbling just tell yourself that you don't want to waste that whole month of hard work! Be stubborn! Keep up your streak!

    I have I Will Not Bow on my iPod, and I've heard some other BB, but I'll have to look into them more intentionally. Thanks for the suggestion :) What are some of your favorites?

    Jay: :) It's a powerful song. Good will triumph, though, so long as we keep it strong.


  4. For a long time my favorite was Dear Agony, it's like, the most powerful song I've ever listened to in my entire life (not sure if it's triggering, or the opposite, actually), and it's amazing. Hmm...I like Dance With the Devil, and Until The End, and Give Me A Sign also. :)