He said something that made it to my brain in a sentence like this: "So when you're just going through life, making money or having kids or whatever it is you want to do with your whole life..."
Sometimes things like that hit me funny. Stuff that everyone thinks about, even stuff I think I've thought about too, but suddenly a wall of my mind falls away and I realize I haven't even skimmed the surface of that thought train.
So, right there in church, I briefly allowed myself to hop down that bunny trail. What is it that I "want"? What is it that I want my life to do for me?
Of course, "happiness" is what came to mind right away. I want to be happy. Everyone does. But...how am I gonna make that a reality?
Do I expect my husband to make me happy?
Do I expect being a lawyer to make me happy?
Do I expect writing to make me happy?
Do I expect my children to make me happy?
What if none of those work? What if I have a husband and practice law and write and have kids and I still have a horrible hollowness in my heart? What then?
And that scared the crap out of me, right there on the second row. First, that I'd never considered my ultimate life goal, second that I don't know how to achieve it, and third that if I never do, I'll be miserable.
Of course, sitting there on the second row in church, the obvious answer is that I should seek God. True happiness and fulfillment can ONLY be found in Him. I know that. I always have. But I'd never thought about how to...I dunno, help him along with it?
Honestly, the thought of having to put my happiness in God's hands is scary, and somehow I'd never considered it until that Sunday. I'm the kind of person who believes the statement "If you want something done right, do it yourself." How can I possibly step back and let God run MY life?
It sounds scarier now that I see that sentence before my eyes, but I'm definitely still thinking it. No one can make me happy but God, and it's flat-out stupid and unfair for me to put that burden on anyone else--maybe even myself.
As I get ready to leave for college next fall, all those "growing-up truths" and "plans for the future" ideas are taking on terrifyingly real new meanings. You'll probably be hearing a lot of panicked rants from me this year. I guess that's all part of the growing up process.
I just always thought I'd feel older when it hit.