Tuesday, November 8, 2011


This post is kind of a companion post to "Forgiveness," I guess.

I came into this idea thinking that I am not a loyal person. I mean, I'm independent, selfish, and have a fear of containment. Those three things would lead one to believe that I am not an especially loyal person.

But that would be strangely inaccurate. I mean, I'm sure I've been disloyal at one point or another, but when I search my mind...I think of all the times I've actually stuck by someone, even against my personal beliefs. I think of all the times when I ought to walk away from someone for my own good, but don't.

I think this may stem from my intense hatred of broken promises. I refuse, I REFUSE to be "that person." I know what broken promises do to me, and it goes against everything I hold dear to inflict that on someone else. It's dishonorable, and y'all KNOW how I feel about honor.

For example. I know this girl, and we're friends now, but in seventh grade we couldn't stand each other. {Of course, in seventh grade you can't stand anyone.} We just rubbed each other the wrong way, and completely ruined a Super Bowl party one year with a disagreement over Foozball. However, while on a church mission trip, some douchebag was being rude to her in front of my face, and I slammed him over the head with a book.

Did I suddenly decide she wasn't so bad after all? No. But she was associated with me in some form, and you never let outsiders mess with those you are associated with. {Unspoken southern rule, I think.}

Example 2: I used to be really close with this one guy; we told each other everything and identified each other as siblings. {Don't run for cover yet; this is NOT about the tragically lost unbiological brother I so love to rant about.} He made lots of promises, mostly that he'd always, ALWAYS be there for me and things of that ilk. I made the same promises. Well, things happen, as I'm sure you know, and all those promises went to absolute pot. He stopped talking to me, listening to me, helping me, essentially fell off the face of my earth.

But I cannot bring myself to break my end of the promises. Every time he needs something, I'm there. I text him occasionally to make sure he's okay. I ask about what's up in his life. He mostly tells me, but doesn't reciprocate much. If he called me at 2AM, I'd turn on my light, brew a pot of coffee and answer.

Am I any less bitter about his broken promises? No. I hold a grudge that I'm extremely ashamed of, but haven't quite shaken yet. However I will still be there for him as long as we live, because I promised to do so and I will not do to him what he has done to me.

Those two examples are very different. One of them shows me going against my personal vendetta to stand up for someone. The other shows me being a semi-doormat to someone who is not going to treat me with the same consideration. Both examples show loyalty, but different kinds. I think one of them might be dangerous, but both of them are sure confusing.

Why am I loyal? None of my other character traits match up with that, except for my inborn obsession with honor. I guess I could chalk it up to that, but is that the real reason? I could say I'm loyal because I want to do the right thing, but if that were true wouldn't I be a better person about it? Couldn't I shake the resentment that lounges around in my soul?

I mean, I can be the most loyal friend you have and still despise you, which is kind of completely TERRIFYING.

Maybe my loyalty is like a subconscious guilt-trip on the other person. Like "See how nice I'm being to you? DON'T YOU FEEL AWFUL?" Or maybe I'm just keeping score for Judgment Day and BOY, ARE YOU GONNA BURN NEXT TO ME.

I'm not sure. Either I'm passive-aggressively evil, or I'm actually just that nice.

*sigh* I'm confusing. God bless my future husband.


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