{This was called Fears, then Me, then Growing Up with Me}
I've been trying to understand myself better lately. I mean, I'm going off to college in less than a year, and I think it would be great if I had some idea of the person I'm supposed to be. {I've actually tried to do that for years, but it's obviously never been as urgent as it is now.}
When I was little, I had it pretty much all together. I liked books, talking, playing pretend, Jesus, and the concept of orphans. I wanted to be the first woman president, an artist, and an astronaut. I also wanted an older brother.
As the years wore on, I gradually matured. I was okay with that. By age 10, I had decided that I liked books, talking, playing pretend, the concept of orphans, Jesus, writing and elves and languages and dancing. I wanted to be an orphanage keeper, the first woman president, and an author.
And then I hit 12 and had the typical identity crisis. Books didn't cut it, I didn't have anything good to say, I was too old to play pretend, orphans was a weird thing to like, and Jesus seemed far away. I didn't know if I was good at writing. Elves and languages were labeled nerdy. Dance was stressing me out. I still wanted to be a writer, but that was way in the future and didn't really apply to me at the moment.
I spent the years from 12 to about 15 clinging desperately to the of the imagination I thought was fading. I was self-conscious about myself and playing pretend was inching its way out of the question. I did not want to grow up. I wanted to stay 12, or 13, or 14. I really, really, really did not want to be 16. In my mind, 16-year-old girls were the epitome of shallowness and giggles and sparkles and everything I didn't want to be.
But I turned 16 anyway.
That year was insane. I cried a lot, I laughed a lot, I wore a lot of makeup, I wore a lot of nail polish, I obsessed a lot over my image, I wrote a lot of emo journal entries.
But it still wasn't exactly what I'd feared.
I still had an imagination. I had been so sure it was fading. I just knew that if I didn't hold onto it with every tooth and nail, it would slip away. Maybe the holding on helped, or maybe I was just borrowing trouble, because my 16-year-old mind came up with stuff every bit as good as my paranoid 12-year-old one.
I still loved books and writing and playing pretend, even if only in my mind. I still loved elves and languages. I still loved Jesus and there was no denying that the concept of orphans still fascinated me. I wanted to be a writer and a lawyer.
I really wasn't that different from who I'd been my whole life. I wasn't shallow or giggly or sparkly. {I couldn't drive either though. Bummer.}
In short, Sweet 16 was outrageously overrated. It wasn't sweet in the sparkly sense, and it didn't suck in the...suckfest sense. It was basically just one more year: the big milestone I had been dreading for four years.
Now I'm 17, which I was really looking forward to. Odd numbers sound more interesting, and 15 was really good, so I figured 17 would be too.
I'm not done with 17 yet. But it's almost done with me. I have about two months left of it before I'm, like, a legal adult. {Lawl.} I'm not sure how I feel about that honestly. 17 sounds so good. It's like the perfect age. You can drive {except I can't, but as a general rule I mean}; you only have a year of high school left; you're old enough to make your own choices and young enough to have help from parents. It's great.
It is.
Really.
Hm.
Who I am at 17 is very different from who I was at 16. I'm not as naive. I'm not as emotional. I'm not as judgmental.
I like books, writing, dreams, dancing, languages, elves, eyeliner, fire fairies, Jesus, minor keys, and hott guys.
I want to be a writer, a lawyer, a mom and maybe a kindergarten teacher.
I know a lot about myself now, more than ever. But sometimes I still like that I don't know WHO I AM. It's a learning process, and as soon as I figure it out, I change again.
I'm pretty sure this is a lifelong project. We change a lot. We grow often. Who you are today isn't the same person you were yesterday, and there's no guarantee you'll be this way tomorrow. I think I'll have to be satisfied with that. I'll just have to love myself the way I am right now, and be excited to find out who I'll be tomorrow. I have to believe that I'm special and God made me this way on purpose.
Because after all, I'm the only ME this world is ever going to get.
~Stephanie
I find it remarkable how much self examination you do, but that's not a bad thing. I think the better you know yourself the greater chance you have at happiness when choosing who you want to be in a relationship with and what you want to pursue.
ReplyDeleteOn a side not, at nearly 18 you still don't drive? Or is it more you shouldn't drive? :p
you're right - we're constantly growing. i'm not the same person i used to be when i was 13 or 16 and now i may not even be half the person i will be in the years to come. anyway, life is not about finding yourself - it's about creating your self, no?
ReplyDelete:)