This vs That

{Thanks for following, Sam and Gabrielle! You guys should really check out Gabrielle's blog that I linked to. She posted a short story on the 27th that I find absolutely beautiful.}

Am I selfish?

See, this is awkward, because if I spend an entire post contemplating whether or not I'm selfish, I am then being selfish. Or at least self-absorbed.

Are those the same things? Selfish and self-absorbed?

I do a lot of self-examination. I study my motives obsessively, try to get to the root of "me," analyze my dreams, question my thoughts and determine my desires. Is that selfish?

I'm not sure. It's definitely self-absorbed.

But I think "selfish" might be different. I'm not necessarily saying I'm NOT selfish, but that maybe being self-absorbed is sometimes different?

Selfish is when you act with only yourself in mind. You put your safety and comfort above all else, even at the expense of others' safety and comfort. A selfish person is often greedy, whether with time or treasure, and lacking in honor.

Self-absorption means you think about yourself a lot. When I say "think about yourself," I don't necessarily mean that you think about yourself FIRST; I mean that you contemplate yourself often, as I mentioned I do. Self-absorption can certainly lead to being selfish, but sometimes you study yourself in a non-selfish way. Sometimes you can study yourself with others in mind.

For instance, when I spend time thinking about my trust issues, it's not because I love myself to death and want every thought to be dedicated to my own loveliness. It's because I want to understand why I have trust issues so I can fix that and treat others the way they deserve to be treated.

I do not think I am a selfish person. I can DEFINITELY be selfish at times, and maybe it's conceited of me to say I am not a selfish person. But I don't think I am. I honestly try to do things for other people. It bothers me when I break promises or needlessly hurt feelings. I hate selfish people. I do try not to be one.

When I post about myself, it's not because I think I am the best topic there is. It's not because I think you ought to love reading about me. It's because I'm trying to figure myself out. I'm trying to smooth out the wrinkles and reprogram the glitches and straighten the twisted pieces. When I post about myself, it's because I think better with words that I can see, and I hope that perhaps some of you might benefit from my words as well.

And that, I hope, is not too selfish a thing.

~Stephanie