Cheating

It was a few nights ago at dinner. My mom, my dad, Sarah and I sat around the table, eating {or in Sarah’s case, picking at} barbeque chicken and talking about nothing.

I’m not sure how it came up or why I latched onto it, but suddenly the conversation turned to the concept of Openness.

I snorted a little, which made my dad look at me expectantly, paying attention to whatever it was I was going to say. I hadn’t planned to say anything, but he looked so eager to understand me that I reluctantly replied, “I’m not a very, um, open person.”

And I put this smile on. It’s not a real smile, but it’s not a completely wooden one either. It’s an expression I’ve began to notice more lately, the mask I put on when I tuck my heart away but want to look lighthearted. It’s all in the corners of my mouth and my eyes.

But Daddy didn’t exactly drop it. I guess I hadn’t expected him to.

“Why not?” he asked genuinely.

I shrugged. “My friends don’t have deep things to share,” I said. “I mean, Kirsten is brilliant and Cassidy is great, but it’s not like they’d have anything really helpful to say if I bared my soul. So why bother?”

“It’s not all about what they can tell you,” Daddy said. “Sometimes it’s the process of putting something out in the open so that YOU can deal with it.”

“That’s what I have Jordan and Aaron for,” I told him, trying to go back to my chicken. “Plus, if all I’m going to do is deal with it on my own, why should I risk the judgment of opening up?”

“Because you’re missing out on deep friendships that way,” Daddy said, his eyes very deep and serious and focused. “You are missing out.”

“No, I’m not,” I insisted. “I told you. I DO open up, just not…not to people that I actually SEE.” Daddy tilted his head and I knew I’d have to explain more, so I went on. “It’s easier that way, Daddy. I get all the benefits of openness that you’re talking about without any of the judgmental awkwardness that inevitably follows.”

But inside, gears were turning in my head. I had never thought about this before. I knew I was much, much closer to people that I didn’t come in physical contact with, but WHY…? That had never crossed my mind really.

Now that I thought about it, it DID seem sort of like…cheating. I mean, I truly loved and trusted Aaron and Jordan every bit as much as my "real" friends, but... Was I getting the benefits of deep friendship without taking any risks? It didn’t seem completely right.

“Well, you just have to decide if it’s worth the risk of opening up,” Daddy said.

“It’s not,” I said immediately. “People would never look at me the same.”

“Then you must not have very good friends,” he said pointedly, knowing that would get to me because it definitely ISN’T TRUE.

But the fact is, he just doesn’t know the wealth of garbage that dwells in my soul. He thinks I’m strong and iron-moral’d and perfect. He thinks girls don’t deal with pornography or erotica or anything physical like that. He’s told me before, that “if we had boys,” they would put parental controls on the computers and stuff. Like sexual perversion is strictly a male issue.

Well, it’s not, Dad.

And probably Kirsten and Cassidy would understand that. They wouldn’t hate me or shun me or think I was the anti-Christ {not at all that my dad WOULD}. I guess it’s not exactly their “judgment” that I fear, it’s their…their sympathy, their pity, their encouragement even.

I don’t want them looking sideways at me during certain movie scenes. I don’t want them saying, “Um, maybe we shouldn’t watch this episode…” I don’t want them to make uncomfortable or judgmental connections to the characters or stories that I like or don’t like—especially when they would be right.

In the end it’s not the act of “opening up” that I’m opposed to; it’s the fact that if people knew about me, they would look at me differently. They would SEE me. They would KNOW.

Friends that I don’t see in real life can’t do that, because they, um, don’t see me in real life.

What I do definitely seems like cheating. However, I’m not sure how much difference it actually makes. Am I really MISSING any of the friendship depth and sorting things out, or have I just figured out a risk-free way to have those things?

I’m not sure. But I admit, I’m getting tired of having an elephant in the room that only I can see.

~Stephanie