Happy Halloween >:D

I could tell you about how Halloween is a holiday created to get all the evil out of our souls before All Hallows or something, a day for being holy, or I could skip that cliche jabber and tell you about my personal Halloweens.

{I'm listening to the Mission Impossible theme song right now. You should try it. It makes life so much more interesting.}

Age 2: I was an astronaut, using the vacuum cleaner hose as my oxygen hose. {My parents used to be awesome...}

Age 3: I was a cowgirl with a cute hat and an actual knife in my holster :D

Age 4: I was a cowgirl again, but this year, my little sister, Sarah, was my cow.

Age 5: I was a cowgirl....AGAIN.

Age 6: At this age I rebelled against girls with cows and declared that I wanted to be a stalk of corn. My mom dressed me in green and tied toilet-paper-roll-yellow-construction-paper corn cobs to me.

Age 7: I was a boot. It's amazing what you can make with yarn and two cardboard boxes.

Age 8: This year escapes me at the moment...I may come back and tell you later.

Age 9: I had this awkward normal phase where I went trick-or-treating as the Swan Princess. Whatever.

Age 10: In 2004, I was a pirate princess--with an actual peg leg made from a cardboard box.

Age 11: I was a calculator made from white board.

Age 12: I was a fire fairy along with my four bestest friends at the time.

Age 13: Fire fairy again.

Age 14: Bwaaaaaa, too old.

Age 17: Fire fairy XD Booyah.

Happy Halloween. Embrace the acne that inevitably follows a large-scale chocolate intake and have a good night!

~Stephanie

Staying Creative: Finish Something

{I'm exhausted. S0z if I don't make that much sense. You'll get my drift though. I hope.}

The fire fairy reunion was terrific. It's amazing that after five years, none of us have called it quits or shrugged off the crazy childhood stories. I mean, out of the four of us, it seems like that at least one of us would have moved beyond them by now. Lucky for me, none of us have :D

We went to Goodwill and looked for costumes first. I didn't think we'd found much; I was preparing myself for them to suck, really. But shockingly, they did not. I actually think they were even better than our original attire.

We ate hot dogs.

I did everyone's fire fairy makeup.

And then we danced.

In the fire fairy story, we are entertainers for the Fire Lord, therefore dancing is a huge part of the story, and Jesse and I are dancers in real life. So, it seemed necessary to make up a dance.

We chose a song that goes back as far as the stories. A song that from the beginning, we thought felt like the fire fairies. The song is...

"The Foosa Attack." From the Madagascar soundtrack.

I would ask you not to judge us, but...go ahead. I don't mind XD

The song is only 37 seconds long, too, so we felt like that would be a reasonable length to choreograph. Ellie and Sarah thought it would be too short. Jesse and I know how choreography goes. It goes slowly.

Even slower than we anticipated actually XD The dance took us four hours to create and perfect. And wow. It is awesome. It is so fire fairies. It is so hot. It is so...us. I'm in love with it.

At 1:30, we all stumbled to my room and read through the first Fire Fairy story. It was a priceless hour :)

The next morning when Jesse's mom picked her up, we showed her the dance. She was impressed, which is saying something, because normally I could build a space shuttle and she'd be like, "Eh."

She told us how impressed and amazed she was that we all were still willing to get together and talk about this stuff. She said it was refreshing to see teenagers doing something like this. She said that she thought we might really have something here. She said the fire fairy stories have potential.

To a hopeful writer, those words are absolutely GOLDEN.

And it is with those encouraging words in mind that I tell you I am going to Finish Something.

I am going to Finish the Fire Fairy Story once and for all, and I'm going to do it for NaNoWriMo.

After five years of working pre-writing, I think I might have enough to make this happen XD

Ember, Flare

Flicker, Firefly

Firefly

Ember

Flicker

~Stephanie

Fire Fairy Reunion

Five years last July, five friends and I got together for Jesse's birthday sleepover. We were all highly fun, highly naive, and highly imaginative. After presents and hot dogs and a birthday craft, we went outside to play with sparklers. Being who we were, it was only a matter of time before the activity demanded an imaginary game.

As we danced around in the warm summer darkness, waving our sparkling sticks of fire, the idea came to all of us at once:

Fire fairies!

We spent the first several minutes deciding on names, always a very important part of an imaginary game.

I claimed the named Ember right off.

Jesse picked Flare.
Zooey called Sparkle.
Haley said Comet {which makes me laugh now, Halley's Comet...}

We helped Ellie decide on Star Dancer and Sarah come up with Flicker.

We played with our fiery wands and let the story evolve on its own. We found out that we had the ability to create fireballs with our hands, and fire shields could emerge from our fingertips.

When it got too late to play outside, we took the game indoors. We brought in the candle we'd used to light the sparkles, falling into a single file line to get through the door.

"We're going to worship the Fire Lord," I said. "He's evil."

That was met with unanimous enthusiasm.

The game kept going the whole sleepover. We gave each other ages and relationships with each other, and even gave Jesse's brother a role: he was Coal, the Fire Lord's most trusted spy.

The next day I started to write the story down. It had potential, I decided, and the game had gone in some directions that I didn't like and I wanted a chance to make it the way I thought it should be. I also didn't like the name "Star Dancer" so I changed Ellie's name to Firefly.

I told Ellie and Jesse that I was writing "the fire fairy story." They thought that was awesome, but none of us really put much stock in each others' writing at that point. We were 8 {Zooey}, 9 {Haley and Sarah}, 11 {Jesse} and 12 {me and Ellie} and never finished anything. But it was still fun.

I would write chapters of the story and consult my friends often. We inserted all kinds of real-life scenarios such as my crush on Jesse's brother and a fight some of us had. My little red notebook filled with fire fairy adventures and embarrassing heart doodles featuring the name "Coal." The excitement built and built until one night at church band practice when I saw the fireball at the end of the tunnel.

I knew the ending.

I scribbled furiously, hand cramping, brain going into overdrive. Must...write...it down...

It was finished.

I had finished it.

I had actually finished a story! And it was the fire fairy story! OUR story!

We all read it, time and time again, tweaking it, erasing pieces of it, and eventually typing it up. But I missed the fire fairies; it felt like a part of me was empty when I stopped writing them.

So I didn't.

With the constant help of Ellie, Jesse and Sarah, I wrote a sequel, and then a third volume, and then a fourth adventure. They all connected, they all intertwined, and eventually an overarching plot line emerged.

We wrote so much of ourselves into the story that it became more than just a game, more than just a story. It was another dimension of ourselves. It's hard to explain. The story was like a film that we saw the rest of life through. Sometimes the lines between fact and fiction were blurred, and it wasn't uncommon for us to accidentally call each other our fire fairy names. For the next three years, 50% of our souls were made up of mechanical pencil lead and tattered red One Subjects.

Then we all went our separate ways and things faded out a bit. We still talk; we're still very close; we never had a falling out. But it's different now, because we don't see each other as much, even though we all live relatively close.

This year Ellie and I are seniors. We're getting ready to jump into the world full-force, and we are so not ready for that. College is coming whether we like it or not, and after that...who knows? This is the biggest, most exciting and terrifying transition we've ever undergone, and we'll be leaving behind Sarah and Jesse.

So we've decided to have a fire fairy reunion tonight. Just one last time for sure, we're gonna go to Goodwill and piece together Fire Fairy costumes. We're gonna play with sparklers. We're gonna eat hot dogs. We're gonna listen to the music we loved back then.

And we're gonna read the stories.

The time comes when everyone has to grow up. But I honestly believe that a small part of you never should.

Here's to the fire fairies :)

~Stephanie

Staying Creative: Not Forcing It

{Started this Sunday and...just finished. I'm really sorry guys. This week has been crazy. I'd like to say I'll get caught up and fill you in later today, but honestly, I'm not sure I'll be able to post until Sunday. This weekend is gonna be full.}

It's kind of ironic and awesome that Sunday was Don't Force It. It's even more ironic that I forgot to look at Pandora and so I didn't know that. Yesterday was the Shock Dance Convention, and it was probably the #1 place I've ever been to Not Force It.

The Convention...was totally not what I expected. I was picturing me with a schedule in one hand and map in the other, totally stressed out trying to figure out where the heckI was supposed to go next, getting everywhere late and having to jump into workouts that I couldn't do before being singled out for not getting something wrong while dodging bitches in booty shorts telling me to go back where I belong and stop messing with the REAL dancers.

God only knows why I was still really excited for the thing...

It wasn't like that at all. We stayed in the same massive room the whole time; our teachers were the ones who changed rooms. And WOW, did we ever have teachers. I'm still kind of in shock {lol} that I got to breathe the same air as these people for a little while.

Ryan Cyphert: {Hip hop} Well known for his innovative and explosive style of hip-hop choreography, Ryan perfected his skills in Phoenix, Arizona. He appeared on Star Search ‘93 and performed with Boyz II Men, Kid N Play, Salt N Pepa and others. Ryan has worked for NBC, ABC, and choreographed a number of videos and commercials.

He was the first teacher we had. He taught us hip hop, which was insanely fun. He's a great teacher. He was extremely laid back, telling us that the important thing was to feel the music and have fun. He told us about how he was a TERRIBLE dancer at age 15 when he somehow went to a dance convention and everything changed for him. He was patient and cool and funny and personal.

The hip hop dance, however, completely blew my mind. I did not think catching on to moves that fast THAT FAST was even possible. But here's the thing, guys:

Everyone else could.

Not the people I went with, but literally everyone else in the room. My friends and I were the worst dancers there. And I'm being completely honest. Do not give me any of this "You're your own worst critic" bull. We were the worst, and I am fine with that. We're still good. It's just that the other dancers there were INCREDIBLE. 50% I think could go on and win So You Think You Can Dance. The other 50% were just better than we were.

Matt Boyce: {Tap} Born and raised in New Jersey, Matt has studied and performed the art of tap dancing mentored by Mike Minery since the early age of ten. Matt made his first debut into the professional industry at the age of twelve when he became the youngest ever principal dancer for the New Jersey Tap Ensemble

God, I hated him. He was not a good teacher. He wouldn't slow down for anyone, wouldn't explain things, and his idea of "slower" is...well, not slower. There were also 70 other people in the room and I was near the back, so I couldn't SEE HIM.

When you can't SEE a tap teacher, and he doesn't TELL you what he's doing, and he won't SLOW DOWN, how the hell are you supposed to DO it?!

*clears throat and takes deep breaths*

Sorry. It's just that...I'm good at tap. Like, really I'm very good at tap. It's probably the one class I could have been really phenomenal at...if I could have seen the son of a jackal.

Gustavo Vargas {Latin}: Originally from Mexico City, Mexico, Gustavo has worked with Jennifer Lopez, Will Smith, Usher, Pink, Mya, Alicia Keys, Paulina Rubio, Roselyn Sanchez, Britney Spears, Enrique Iglesias, N'Sync, Jessica Simpson, and Eva Longoria. His TV credits are Dancing With The Stars, Bruno and Carrie Ann’s Dance Wars, the America’s Best Dance Crew intro, Eve, 7th Heaven, Drew Carey, Boston Public, AMAs, Grammys, Janet Jackson MTV-Icon and Strong Medicine. Movies include The Bachelor, Be Cool, Dirty Dancing II-Havana Nights, Spanglish, Master of Disguise, Along Came Polly, Jackass II, Rent, and Indiana Jones. Known for his partnering skills, Gustavo is technically trained and teaches all styles of dance.

He was so fun. I loved him. From him we learned the Samba {the REAL Samba, not "ballroom Samba," which, according to him, doesn't even exist. Samba came from the street and it's something you have to feel.}.

The steps were so freakin' fast and so nearly the same that I was lost half the time, but he stressed the value of having fun with it. He said the only really important thing was to be natural and feel the music.

It was also fun because the guys had a different part than the girls, so we got to watch them separately some of the time.

With dancing guys, there's a fine line between gay and hott. But when you can find the hott side...damn.

Melody Lacayanga: {Jazz} Originally from Daly City, Ca, Melody trained in classical and contemporary ballet, modern jazz, blues and Afro-Haitian at the School of the Arts. Melody was the top female dancer on season one of the hit FOX TV show, “So You Think You Can Dance” and has since traveled the world as a performer and artist.

She was pretty cool. By this time, we'd already done 3 hours of intense dancing and were starting to get a little burnt out. And hungry. And the way Melody said "Yes, guys?" after every sentence was a litttttle annoying.

The combination was insanely difficult, but I could kind of do it. It's hard for me to do multiple turns in general though, especially on carpet, so I fell behind a lot on those.

After lunch we had...

Nick Bass: {Hip hop} He has worked with Michael Jackson, Justin Timberlake, Janet Jackson, Beyonce, Ciara, Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Omarion, Nelly Furtado, Kylie Minogue, Jamie Foxx, Chris Brown, Prince, Boa, Madonna and many others. Nick has performed at the Grammy Awards, VMAs, AMAs, BETs, Soul Train Awards, and Dove Awards. He has also performed with artists on Saturday Night Live, So You Think You Can Dance, Dancing With The Stars, TRL, The View, Good Morning America, Jay Leno, and Regis and Kelly.

Nick was the best teacher we had all day. His dance was fun and went with the music. He went over things again and again until we all got it. When it looked like our brains were going into overload, he said, "We're gonna stop there today and have fun with what we've already learned."

Where some of the other choreographers were all about finishing THEIR dance because it was just that awesome and we lowly students would just have to either get it or get out, Nick seemed interested in us as people. He was just a really patient guy and good at explaining things. I feel like I took away a lot of good stuff from him.

Then a lady named Tina that I did not like taught us lyrical. My brain just doesn't do lyrical. It's so...it just doesn't make sense to me. The way she counted off... "A one....twothree....four.....five....sixseveneight." I never could get with her groove XD

Then we had Hannah Wintrode who was INSANELY AMAZING. Great teacher, INCREDIBLE dancer. Like. Oh my gosh. Click HERE for a video of her doing the exact dance we learned {we stopped learning after like a minute or so in though. Also, there's a part where the dancers are suddenly all in lingerie. Didn't learn that, wasn't aware it was there. I apologize XD}

Then we had...Merissa Gassel. She was good, I think, but by this time, I was completely wiped out. All I could do was fuzzily copy her movements, couldn't really commit anything more to memory XD

I left the convention feeling odd. I felt good, but also a little let down because there hadn't been a single dance that I had completely gotten. I felt like I hadn't actually gotten much out of the day, besides being disillusioned as to how good my friends and I are.

But then at dance last night, and I felt different. I could do all our dances twice as well as normal, and when we stretched, I could go much farther than usual. I felt more confident the whole class.

So maybe I did get something out of the day :)

~Stephanie

asdfbdgnfhmgj,kh

No time to talk!

Risks: Cut up a dance shirt and tried these protein bars that have a peanut warning on them. Livin' dangerously, guys.

Breaking Rules: Ooh, didn't do much of that, I guess, but my family and I made experimental chicken stew in an iron cauldron over a fire in the back yard... So that was pretty legit.

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow? A 10-hour dance convention with hardcore, intense classes, lessons and work outs led by famous choreographers.

I think I've died and gone to heaven.

The down side: I have to get up at 4:30AM tomorrow. Bleck.

I'm super looking forward to this, even the evil academy-minded chicks that will inevitably try to make us feel incompetent. Bring. It. On. I can dance and I know it.

So excited :D Pray for it to go well!

~Stephanie

Staying Creative: New Places, Blessings and Rest

Tuesday: After Monday's monumental failure in the productivity department, I was prepared for Tuesday to monumentally suck.

It did not.

While I didn't get to go Somewhere New, I got done everything I needed to, with time to spare. The debate I pretty much wrote in the one day went over quite well on Wednesday. I'm pretty sure Cassidy and I won.

Wednesday: Counting my blessings. I could probably do that from now until infinity, but let me list the top...um...*lists as many blessings as she can without getting stuck*...31 that come to mind.

BLESSINGS:

1. Ability to dance

2. Talent for writing

3. Desire to learn

4. Parents who are still married and crazy about each other

5. Friends that I can trust

6. Just FRIENDS of all descriptions

7. An iPod

8. A computer that I don't have to share

9. Teeth that didn't require braces

10. An immune system of steel

11. Eyeliner

12. Cheez-Its

13. New boots

14. A supply of blank notebooks

15. A camera

16. Cable TV

17. Time

18. Good grades

19. A home where the leaves change color

20. A hair color that I don't hate

21. Height

22. The ability to paint my nails with my left hand

23. A left hand

24. A right hand

25. A knack for languages

26. A trip to Europe

27. Money to do boot camp

28. A doggie

29. Books

30. Sight

31. Hearing

Thursday: Get Lots of Rest.

I skipped bootcamp to fulfill this. Worst decision ever. I'd rather exercise than sleep.

OHMYGOSHDIDIJUSTSAYTHAT?

It's true though. Dang.

Life is so busy. I suck at posting right now. Hopefully November will be better. Although, I have something to tell you guys...

I'm considering doing NaNoWriMo for the first time this year. I'm a senior in high school and suddenly feeling the urge to do everything I've ever wanted to do but haven't yet. Thoughts?

~Stephanie

Staying Creative: Practicing and Allowing Myself...

to make mistakes. Of course, that's such a challenge since I don't make mistakes...

HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Today was wholly a mistake. Here's a graphic of what I got done today:

Interpretation: "Next to nothing."

Yeah. Today I should have done two math lessons, some theology, worked on debate, read a book of "The Iliad," and probably a little Spanish would have been good.

What I Actually Did Today: sent out invitations for a party I'm having soon, went out to lunch, went to the grocery store, messaged Jesse about doing a collaborative story, wrote some story, and lurked around on Facebook.

So basically, today was ONE BIG FRIGGIN' MISTAKE.

BLUGH. Tomorrow is gonna be Hell. If I were smart, I'd go do some school work really quick NOW so that it wouldn't be.

Actually no, if I were WISE I would do that. I AM smart. I'm not denying it.

But unfortunately I'm not wise. Notttt wise at all.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to Go Somewhere New. I've actually had where I want to go planned out for weeks: there's a path in the new part of my neighborhood that looks really pretty and storybookish. I'd like to go there.

But if I'm in Hell, it could be a long walk, so...we'll see. *sighhhhh* I'm such a moron, guys. I really am.

~Stephanie

Staying Creative: Collaborate and Don't Give Up

Alright, I'll be honest: I didn't collaborate on Friday. But, the idea is great and it's inspired me to ask my friend Jesse if she wants to try to write a book together. We tried doing this in sixth or seventh grade with another girl.

The idea was good. The story would be about three girls, each written by one of us, from three different worlds. The first round of chapters, switching between characters, introduced the reader to the characters, their situations, and the culture. In the second round of chapters, things would start to fall apart for each girl, and for one reason or another, she would make a wish to be anywhere but where she was.

The three wishes all came true, with the girls being transported to earth. They meet each other and as they go through their strange new lives, learn to solve the problems they were running from at home.

Honestly, not a bad plot line for a bunch of twelve-year-olds, although it was completely Jesse's and my idea. And that was the holdup. While Jesse and I wrote our chapters and COLLABORATED, the third girl did not. Instead of improvising or whatever, Jesse and I just let the story fade into oblivion. *sigh*

But the POINT of that realquick sob story was to say I think I may ask Jesse if she wants to give the collaboration thing another shot.

I've also been considering telling her about Pandora, AKA telling her about my problems with erotica etc.. I've always gotten the feeling that she'd understand. We rarely see each other and she's never been my CLOSEST friend, but she has an absolutely freaky way of knowing when something is wrong with me, even if she hasn't seen me. I can't tell you how many times she's emailed me out of the blue asking if I was okay when I wasn't.

She would be the first girl to know. Four guys do, only three of which I told when I was in my right mind. I don't wanna talk about the fourth XD

Don't Give Up:

Today has been pretty good. Cassidy slept over because we were out late seeing the new Footloose last night. {LOVED IT. LOVED IT. Possibly more on that later.} Today we hung out at the soccer field for like three hours.

{Soccer field = the one and only place to be in my town on Saturdays. You always see six jillion people you know and the games can be really intensely awesome. At least they were when I was playing. Now all the good people have graduated, leaving only their second-rate younger siblings XD}

Then I came home and walked down to the lake with the Norwegian exchange student girl, who's great, because she wanted to take pictures of someone on this GORGEOUS day.

Honestly, there were not really opportunities to either give or not give up. It's been a fairly take-things-as-they-come day. Nothing particularly challenging, nothing particularly heinous {besides me family}.

But I promise, if I feel like giving up on something this evening, I will not.

~Stephanie

Staying Creative: Get Feedback

This is from "The Mirror," a story I started when I was fourteen. It's never been finished, and it starts to really suck about thirty pages in. I'm currently giving it a brutal rewrite; entire scenes and some story facts are different.

Here are a couple of scenes from near the beginning. Let me know what you think? Feedback is important for staying creative, and I can't get it on my own XD

Ring!

“All right, class,” droned Mr. Burkwheeler, reaching into his pocket for a much-used handkerchief. His nasally, deadpan voice almost made me hate English, my favorite subject. “Before you go to lunch…” He made an actual honking sound as he blew his nose. There was even some harmony involved; tenor from the right nostril, bass from the left. It was truly disgusting. “I have one more thing of which to remind you.”

A unanimous groan rippled through the class. Mr. Burkwheeler’s “one things” took longer than your mom giving you a lecture on keeping your room clean. “As I’m sure you all remember, the essay on Walt Whitman’s early life is due tomorrow.” Frantic gasps, whispers, and note-takings broke out in the classroom. Apparently we had not all remembered. “Spelling and punctuation will count, as usual, and I am expecting better essays than last time.” He peered sourly over his classes and pursed his lips. “Remember, class: words are the most wonderful gift given to us by the gods. They preserve priceless memories over years, decades, centuries, and millennia. Timeless thoughts and dreams of respected persons kept gracefully and artfully by the mere pen and ink of our ancestors. The beauty of…”

I pretty much tuned out. I agreed and everything, words were great, but did he have to say the same thing after every class? English was right before lunch. Every single eleventh grader in the room was dying to run screaming into the cafeteria.

Five minutes later, Mr. Burkwheeler finally dismissed us. All twenty-six kids shot out of their seats as if bitten on the butt and rand like mad out into the hallway. I was no exception.

“Berserkwheeler ought to save his breath on the Wonders of Words spiel,” said my best friend Jenna. She shoved her English book into her locker. “Any one of us could probably recite it for him at this point.”

“True that,” I agreed. “So have you decided who you’re asking to the Flip Flop dance?”

Flip Flop dance: girls ask guys.

Jenna grinned. “Cameron Jordan,” she said, giving a determined nod. I gave Jenna a thumbs up. She’d been eyeing the guy all year; I guessed she finally felt serious enough to make a move. Personally, I didn’t see anything in the guy (he had two first names, for heaven’s sake), but that didn’t bother Jen. She was weird about boys anyway, always setting up rules and requirements that she thought would help her meet her match quicker. I thought she complicated things, but then again, I had no experience to speak from.

Jenna shut her locker with a bang and we started for the cafeteria. “So who are you gonna ask?”
I bunched my lips to the side and pretended to think hard. “Gee, let’s see…um, Darren.” Jenna grinned.

“You two are going strong, I see.” She tried to contain herself, but a squeal found its way out. She was such a romantic. I rolled my eyes.

“Whatever you want to tell yourself, Jen,” I said. Darren and I went together to every bring-a-date function, and it was nothing—about as romantic as going with a cantaloupe. We went together because we were best friends, and it gave him an excuse to turn down the stalker-type girls who were always after him.

“You must be starting to feel something towards him,” Jenna said. “Or else you’d ask someone else. You know plenty of other guys. For heaven’s sake, we hang around with the best-looking bunch in Jefferson high.”

I snorted. “You know as well as I do they only put up with us—at least me¬—because of Darren.”
“Hey, being baby BFFs with the most popular guy in school was bound to come in handy sooner or later,” Jenna said with a wink. I snickered.

“Yeah, okay, Jen. I’m asking Darren, and there’s nothing romantic about it.”

“Do you even hear yourself?” Jenna asked, looking pointedly unconvinced as we waltzed into the cafeteria. We sat with the poplar kids and soon became absorbed in another typical lunch break.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I cleared my throat as I neared Darren’s house. He was shooting baskets in the driveway. My dog, Brandy, was tugging at her leash, but I had business to take care of.

How should I ask him? I wondered. We were always elaborate and crazy with our date requests, each time the ordeal became something bigger and sillier. Everyone loved it, which was good because we mostly did it to amuse people. Everyone knew it was a joke to us. For the winter formal, Darren had taped massive pieces of poster board to the hallway floor at school, the first one saying “Will,” the second saying “you,” and eventually asking “Will you go to the dance with me?”

I’ll figure out the public display later, I decided, looping Brandy’s lease around the mailbox.

“Hey, Dare!”

Darren caught the basketball as it bounced off the backboard without looking. He smiled the butter-melting smile and motioned me over with a jerk of his head. “Hey, P. What’s up?” He was the only person who could call me “P” without images of urine leaping to mind.

I shrugged and smiled as I walked up the driveway. “Nothing new. Walking Brandy, thinking of ways to ask you to the dance.”

Darren wiped his forehead with the hem of his T-shirt, revealing rock hard abs. “Awesome, awesome. Any good ideas?”

“A few,” I lied. In truth, I sucked at the whole cute-creative thing. Darren was better at it, which was embarrassing. Girls were supposed to be good with that stuff.

“Ha,” Darren said. He started dribbling the basketball. “I bet you don’t. Out of ideas and the girl only has to do the asking once or twice a year.” He winked and threw the ball into the hoop with a neat swish.

“Oh shut up,” I said, feeling a smile at my lips. “I’ll think of something twice as good as your cheap poster board thing.” The basketball bounced lazily towards me. I picked it up and took a shot, which I made.

“Nice,” Darren said, catching the rebound and executing a layup.

“So how’s baseball practice been?” I asked, switching sports. “Didn’t what’s-his-name-the-pitcher fracture his wrist yesterday?”

“Parker? Yeah, which sucks because we’re playing Western in three days and he’s the only decent alternate we’ve got.”

“Tough break,” I said. “Oh, ha. Pun.” Darren good-naturedly rolled his eyes and made a bank shot.

“I’ve got to finish walking Brandy,” I said, walking backwards down the driveway. “See you later. Oh, by the way don’t forget your mom’s birthday is Friday.”

Darren looked at me with such an expression of genuine shock that I cracked up. The basketball bounced back from the basket and smacked him in the chest. He grunted and caught it. “Right. That’s right.”

“And do not get a Starbucks card,” I said, raising an eyebrow. “After year five I think the element of surprise is somewhat lacking.”

Darren made a face at me and motioned for me to hit the road. I stuck my tongue out finished walking Brandy.

~Stephanie

Staying Creative: Being Open and Surrounding Myself with Creative People

Tuesday: I had my Wake Forest interview! :O

It went...It could have gone better. At the beginning, I felt pretty good, then towards the middle and end I felt like things started to slide. When I left the interview, I was ready to bawl. I thought I did terribly. But as I let things sink in, I'm pretty sure it wasn't that bad. Could have been better, but then whose college interview couldn't?

The scariest part of the interview was realizing that now aside from sending my application...my admission is out of my hands. Completely. The interview was my big chance, my make-it-or-break-it moment. Did I make it? Break it? I probably won't know until sometime in March. For a control freak like me, that's a horrifying concept.

I tried to be open on Tuesday, and I guess I was. Really the day should have been focused on Quit Beating Yourself Up, because I did so much of that after the interview. {Actually I still am.} Still, I was Open, although I don't feel like I have a lot of stories to go along with that.

Today I was supposed to Surround Myself with Creative People. I had class today, so I suppose some of them are creative. Still, I didn't get to be as intentional with that as I'd like.

Tomorrow I'm going to focus on Getting Feedback, which is highly important for a creative mind, I think. I'm not sure how to go about doing that in just one day though. Feedback is something you have to solicit and then wait for. I dunno. Maybe I'll give someone one of my stories.

Or hey, I could give YOU guys part of one of my stories :O

Hm. I may do that.

~Stephanie

Staying Creative: Listen to New Music

My plan for this one was to raid iTunes's free stuff this week, but the thing is, I've actually already listened to it somehow. So dang.

Then I remembered that I haven't finished the list of songs Karlye posted on our dance class's Facebook wall, so I went there. And this is the result of the lovely stressless minutes I spent listening to Karlye's unusual suggestions.

1. "I Can See Your Tracks" by Laura Veirs

Not digging this at all.

No, maybe I like it...

Okay, actually it kinda reminds me of some of the stuff on the Twilight soundtrack, so that's no good.

Too...country or bluegrass or something for my particular taste.

I like pieces of it though...

I like 1:46-1:56 my mucho.

The harmonies are kind of cool.

I decidedly like it, but would not buy it. *firm nod*

2. "Auld Lang Syne" by Mairi Campbell

I love that poem/song.

Ooh. Not this way though.

But it's Irish. So I can't completely hate it.

It's cute. It's soothing.

I just don't like her voice.

This is getting old. I wonder if it's any different as it goes... *skips ten seconds*

Okay, she gets slightly more forceful with it at 2:05...

Oh my gosh, not the chorus again. *skips*

Oh. That's it. Okay.

Officially not a huge fan of this one.

3. "Valerie" by Amy Winehouse

...was this in a movie?

Okay. I don't like it. It's not my style. I'm just not an Amy Winehouse fan.

Next.

4. "Help I'm Alive" by Metric

0:13 This sounds promising :D

Okay, I like this. A lot. It's weird. And catchy.

Yeck. 1:35 squashed my love. Not digging the head voice.

I like it again.

Aw. More head voice. She reminds me of the Blue Foundation chick when she does that.

But I liked it.

5. "We Are All Made of Stars" by Moby

I like Moby. Ever since Bourne Identity.

I like this, but it's not really holding my attention very well. I've FB stalked four friends and check three email accounts during it.

Don't love it.

6. "City of Blinding Lights" by U2

I like it so far.

Is...is it gonna have lyrics? I wish I were the kind of person who could just enjoy stuff instead of wondering what's coming next XD

Lyrics! I like.

I think I'm just being easily distracted right now. 'Cause I'm pretty sure normally I'd really like this. But I'm having a lot of trouble focusing.

Ooh, I read an article about that the other day. That all our electronics and constantly being plugged into things is making our multitasking skills better, but our abilities to focus worse.

I can see that.

I liked the song. I think.

7. "Breathe Me" by Sia

This sounds really familiar.

I like the lyrics, not as much the delivery--

0:48 gets better somehow.

This song is uncomfortable and fascinating.

It's growing on me really fast.

3:18 Didn't see that :D I was typing. Like like.

There are like three contemporary dance videos on the sidebar now. This is really gonna suck me in for the next fifteen minutes. Can't overlook a dance.

*one hour later*

8. "These Days" by Nico

...

Oh my. Oh, I hate this.

She sounds deaf.

I can't do this. Next.

And last, actually.

9. "Sweet Disposition" by the Temper Trap

...sweet.

Someone commented on the video saying "This song makes me want to leave my house in the middle of the night with my friends and just go forever and explore the world." I can see that.

1:16 Uhm, hm. I'm getting like an 80s vibe that I don't like...

Hm, maybe it's gone.

{stupid video keeps buffering -__-}

Huh. I liked that. Really neat. I liked that a lot.

And that was me, listening to new music. And I think it honestly got my creative juices flowing. How 'bout that?

~Stephanie

Yesterday

{I did not drink coffee today. S0z.}

Theoretically you have now heard about my day Friday, and how it sucked. Well, by Friday night at around 1 o'clock AM when my mom came home and the boys left, I did not even want to think about going to the fair the next day, much less getting up early to clean bathrooms so that I could. Only one friend besides the one whose family I was going with was gonna come. All I wanted to do Saturday was lay around the house drinking tea and reading books and watching TV and--get this--BEING WITH MY FAMILY. Yeah, I was that screwed up after Friday.

The stress and depression of having to go to the fair Saturday {how pathetic is that, guys?} actually kept me awake until almost 2AM.

I got up at 8 the next morning and went to see my mom. She wasn't even up yet, which was super depressing. I'm up before my mother on a Saturday morning. Blurgh. So I got in the shower, cleaned the bathrooms, and painted my nails before the one friend showed up. Let's call her Alice.

So Alice and I wait around for Emma and her family to come pick me up. I'm really trying to put on a good face, but the thing is, I don't actually like Alice. She's...kind of everything that annoys me. She's slow to get jokes, take hints, follow movies, and understand puns. Like, to a way extreme degree. She literally never gets anything I say, and I end up doing two MORE things that I haaaaaate: 1) repeat myself, and 2) explain why it's funny.

So yeah. Saturday is already in great shape.

Emma and her family show up, and Alice and I get in the car. Alice's family has been going through a tough time since...well, since I met her when we were seven. {It's really legit though; her parents are some of the most hard-working people I know, and they spend wisely.} Because of that, I offered to pay for Alice's fair ticket so she could come. I told her, and I quote "Don't worry about it! Your company is priceless :)"

Why do I do these things? Can anyone tell me? WHY?

So, the ride to the fair is interesting. I'm really good at faking having a good time. I laughed and joked the whole ride down, even when I got severely carsick. Even when her parents obviously had no clue where they were going, and I could have told them.

About halfway there, Emma says, "So what kind of rides do you guys like?"

See, here's the thing: my family doesn't ride rides. I mean, it's not that we're sticks in the mud, or scared of them, or think they're immature or anything as lame as that. It's just that we were poor for like the first fifteen years of my life, so we all got used to enjoying things a little on the vicarious side. We eat the food, we watch the shows, we see the exhibits, we ride the ferris wheel, and we have the time of our lives.

But it never occurred to me that hey, Emma's family might actually wanna DO STUFF.

Shoot.

So we get to the fair, and the admission tickets are $8, as opposed to the $3 they were when my family went Thursday. Oh. So when you add mine and Alice's extra cost, that's ten bucks I didn't expect to spend, and we haven't even set foot in the arena of merriment and fun.

Once we do set foot into that merry arena, I make another connection: rides = ride tickets, and ride tickets = money.

That I didn't plan on spending. And I'm assuming Alice doesn't have the money for those either. Wonderful.

So I buy eight tickets, which should give me and Alice one ride apiece until I can figure out what to do further.

Emma picks this ride that go up and then DROPS you down, but it's not like Tower of Terror. This thing goes in a circle up and down. If that makes sense. It looks like this:

So that was really fun, and for three minutes I forgot how stressed out and in knots my stomach was about making this work out and not look like the poorly prepared party pooper I felt like. {Hey, accidental alliteration. Hey, I did it again! [Sorry. I'm tired.]}

But alas, the ride ended and Alice and I were ticketless. I checked my wallet. It was down to eating or riding. After a moment of trying to gracefully decline request to ride some tantalizingly vomit-inducing rides, Emma figured out what was up and told her parents.

They forced 30 bucks into my hand and made me get a card with 40 tickets on it. I was like,

"No, really, it's fine... I never borrow money. I don't want to take your money. No, really, I don't want--OKAYFINE *forced grin*"

After spending eighteen of those forty precious tickets, it was 1:15 and we decided to get some lunch. In line at the pizza stand, I look over at Alice, standing awfully close to me, and say, "You have money for food, right?" I mean, just to make sure.

Alice: *wince* "No. Sorry."

Oh. Great. Cool...

We get slices of pizza and no drinks because 1) I now have to readjust some financial issues, and 2) I want to get a lemonade from the funnel cake guy I went to three times on Thursday. {We became odd friends actually. It was pretty great.} The pizza was my last six dollars besides the 10 I always keep in my camera case for just such occasions. I figured the 10 would buy Alice and me a drink and cover any absolute EMERGENCY cravings we suffered.

In the middle of this glorious moment of my life, Sam texts me:

"Yo."

I reacted with the calmest "Oy!" I could muster and held a fairly decent conversation {Or did I, Sam?} for someone who wanted to kick the prize-winning Holland Lop into an electric fan.

After eating the nasty pizza, I asked Emma and Alice if they would walk with me to get lemonade from my funnel cake guy. After acting like that was a bit of an inconvenience, but because they were such nice people they would, we set out on our way.

About halfway there, just past the shrieking child and crimson-faced mother, I decided to check my camera case to make sure the 10 was in there. I unzipped the pocket, and that electric bolt of nauseating Uh-Oh shot through my stomach.

The pocket was empty.

Well, sh*t, I thought. I'm screwed. I'm at the fair with no money to my name and a friend to take care of and I'm already 30 bucks into my friend's parents' cash supply. And I'm thirsty.

See, I get dehydrated easily. Like, it's actually kind of bad. I get dizzy and headachy and turn blue-white and it's rather uncomfortable. So finding a drink was quite high on my list of necessary expenses. Only now...

"My money is gone," I say, stopping Emma and Alice in their tracks. "Like, I always, always, always have it in here and now it's gone. And that was all my money. I have no money now. At all."

Emma looks at me like she's an especially dense scientist conducting a study on how people react when shot with bolts of electricity. She tilts her head and this little frown appears over her nose. "Oh, wow. That's...I'm sorry." And that's it.

Alice: "Oh my gosh, no... I'm so sorry, oh my gosh. Oh my gosh I'm so sorry. Oh my GOSH. Ugh. I'm sorry. Oh my goodnessssssss."

Resisting the urge to shove both of them into the hamster ball pool, I paste on a smile and we turn around and head back to Emma's parents.

Hopefully I don't die of dehydration.

We get back to her parents, and Emma tells them what's up. Her parents force money down my hand despite my protesting, although I was torn this time. I might pass out of dehydration if I allow my stubborn side to win. Still, I'm fighting furious-frustrated tears as I accept yet more cash. But after all they've done for me, I don't feel like telling them that I'm off to spend their money so TTYL! So I don't get a drink yet.

Then we meander around a lot, wait for Emma to ride rides, I take pictures with Alice and try to pretend I love her to death. I think I do a pretty good job. But then again, she's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

About 4, when I've been in the blazing sun with salty pizza and no liquid for 8 hours, Emma says, "Oh! Stephanie never got her drink!"

YOU THINK?

I'm determined to go to my funnel cake guy, just to see if he'll still know me. Of course, that's halfway around the fair now, so we end up stopping to ride the ferris wheel first, which Emma hates. Then she and Alice wanna do the swings. I do too, but there's only enough tickets for either me or Alice, so I tell them I hate the freaking swings so they should go without me. I pass the time trying to strike up angry conversations with Cha-Cha guides. Did you know telling them your day has been eff-ed up is against their policy?

Eventually, we make it to the funnel cake guy, and my precious lemonade. The guy is on break. Wow. Does that figure or WHAT????????? But then, just as I'm getting ready to leave, he sees me! He waves! He remembers me!

"You're back!" he says.

"I am!" I say, smiling. "And I brought friends."

"You came back to see me?"

"I did!"

He's so nice. I love him. It was worth the wait.

But by this time I'm so thirsty I'd suck the saliva from a fat guy's tongue, so my lemonade lasts around a minute. *sob* I suck all the ice and the actual half a lemon in the cup.

People look at you weird when you have half a fruit stuck in your mouth.

From there we did random other things before {FINALLY} heading home. I texted my mom to tell her we were on our way. She replied:

"You have your house key, right? Sarah and I are out shopping! :D"

-_____________- No, woman, I don't have my key. I took your tiny little shoulder purse as per YOUR ADVICE. I have money {well, okay, I used to}, a phone, and my camera. The end.

"No! Can you come home? I owe Emma's parents money. Don't wanna talk about it."

She wasn't real pleased with that response, but she said she'd hurry home.

We got home.

She wasn't there.

Emma's parents didn't seem up for waiting.

So Alice and I killed time on my porch with my really obnoxious dog until my mom got home. She was then pissed that she had hurried back when Emma's parents didn't even wait.

"I'd have left you two cooling your heels here if I'd known they weren't gonna wait!" she said.

Thanks, mom. Feeling the love.

From there we took Alice home {thank god} and then had a stressful evening at home.

You know, this weekend really coulda been better. Like, a lot. Like...

yeah.

~Stephanie

One of Those Weekends

This post is very long, guys, but reading over it, I think it's borderline hilarious. If you didn't have to actually live it, that is.

Do you ever have one of THOSE days? The day that just relentlessly sucks? Well, this has been one of those WEEKENDS.

It really started earlier this week when I started making plans for Friday night. The plan's base was embarrassingly weak to begin with and, until this moment, a secret:

I have a really awesome outfit. It's a draping, black, open back top with a bright blue glitter tiger on it. And it came from Spain. A couple of weeks ago, I found blue skinny jeans that are the EXACT same color as the glitter tiger. Then I found blue nail polish, which when paired with silver crackle, looks freaking amazing with the tiger outfit.

Unfortunately, it is already October, and there will not be many more opportunities to wear this thing of beauty. Ergo, make night plans and make them soon.

Yeahh, the reason behind the plan should have been a red flag at the beginning.

But, at the beginning of the week, this weekend looked promising. My parents would both be out of town {WOOT!}, Cassidy would take me to my Friday night dance class, and from there we would meet up with everyone at about 9 o'clock and see a movie.

But when I started checking movies and times, I quickly noticed something: there's nothing good playing. The only thing that looked remotely worth seeing was The Debt, but it was rated R, and while *I* can get in to those movies {psh, nbd...}, some of the people going cannot, and it would suck to have our party randomly split up.

So, movie is out. Dang. Plan B:

Chill at the mall. Rather unexciting, but hey, with a bunch of people it could be interesting.

Then on Thursday I get this text from Cassidy:

"Hey, I can't do Friday night. Sorry!"

...

So, okay. That screws things up in several different ways:

#1: I now have no ride to dance.

#2: Three of my friends depending on Cassidy now have no way to come hang out.

#3: I really like Cassidy.

#4: I have no way HOME from dance even if I could get there.

I texted Cass back and asked if she could at least get me TO dance. She said she could. YAY! So now I'm just stranded at dance...

But Kirsten! If I ask Kirsten to spend the night with me, then she can get me from dance, which is like five minutes from the mall, at 8:45 and we can go to the mall with everyone, and then she can just bring me home 'cause she's spending the night. Brilliant! I ask her.

SHE CAN! YAY!

So Cassidy will drive me to dance, Kirsten will pick me up, we'll go hang out with everyone at the mall, and then we'll come home and sleep. Perfect.

Then I find out my mom is coming home Friday night after all, just late. So dang. That means I have to actually ask her if Kirsten can spend the night. So I do. She says yes, CONDITIONALLY:

I have to do all of my weekly cleaning chores on Friday before Kirsten comes instead of on Saturday, when I normally clean. *sigh* Fine.

Except that since we went to the fair on Thursday, Friday is already going to be absolute HELL, because I have two days of school to do in one. And now I also have a full day of cleaning too. Urgh. But, I can do it. I can make this happen. For the sake of fun, freedom and blue glitter tiger shirts.

So, Friday. I'm going CRAZY trying to get things done. I've made a list with estimated times, and it looks like I can get everything done, but I will be literally down to the SECOND.

I'm just starting to get things going when Emma texts me:

"Hey! Do you wanna go to the fair Saturday?"

HECK YES! I'd love to go again! And with FRIENDS this time!

Me: "Sure! I was actually thinking about going again with friends! But I wouldn't wanna crash your family thing with a bunch of people."

Emma: "Oh no, it's fine! My sister's bringing friends anyway."

:D Sweet! I tell her I'll go and I start texting people. Haley, Brianna, Kirsten, David, Live, Daniel, Sam, Karlye, Susanna. Hope they can come! Now back to the issue at hand: school.

I've been behind in math for two weeks, and for GOD KNOWS WHY, I told my teacher I'd be all caught up by next week. I now have 6 lessons to do in 3 days. Literally impossible for me. Like, it seriously CANNOT be done. I suck at math.

Then I get a text from Sam:

"You do realize the mall closes at 9, right?"

-_______- No. No, I did not. So no mall tonight.

Plan C: Hang out in the Target-Starbucks-Books-A-Million shopping center. Fun stuff. But WHATEVER. With people, anything can be fun.

Although...wait...who's RSVP'd to the Friday night deal?

Me, obviously...

Kirsten, 'cause she's getting me from dance and spending the night.

Emma...Sam...

Um. That's...it. Well. Me, Kirsten, Emma and Sam. That will be...really interesting.

Then, at 12 o'clock, my dad comes and says, "Why aren't you getting ready?"

Me: "...what?"

Daddy: "We need to leave for Pat's funeral in an hour." {Pat is the wife of an old guy at our church.}

Me: "...WHAT? I'm GOING to that? WHYDIDN'TYOUTELLMETHISBEFOREIHADANHOUR?"

*jump in the shower, dress appropriately tragically, gather school books to do random bits in corners when no one is looking*

We leave at one. We get back at 3:15. Two hours and fifteen minutes gone. I am now completely behind schedule. Life is such a bitch.

I finally decide that math isn't all that important and go get started cleaning my room, which looks like an absolute BOMB WENT OFF. I also decide to check my phone. And I have two more glorious texts:

Jesi: "Hey! I'll be there tonight!"

Kirsten: "Hey, my mom said I have to pick between spending the night with you and the fair, so since I would get to hang out more tomorrow, I can't do tonight. Sorry!"

Me to Jesi: "Okay...great!"

Me to Kirsten: "That makes sense! See you tomorrow!"

Me to the world: "ARUGHEHGONWEOJGGHIOUBWE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Now I have another person joining the bandwagon of tonight's epic failure, but without Kirsten, I have no ride to go hang out, or get HOME! Cassidy is gonna bring me to dance, but then...I'm stranded.

Stranded.

Shiitake mushrooms, this sucks.

Banging my head on the table, I call off tonight's plans. Me, Emma, Jesi and Sam just does not sound like a bundle of fun. {Jesi = reserved and conservative, Emma = unwilling to accept wildness, Sam = unreserved wild child.}

So dash it all. No fun plans, no tiger shirt, and at this point, I'll be stranded alone in the city. GREAT.

I decide to text Cassidy and tell her never mind, don't even take me to dance.

I text her.

I get this text from my unbiological older brother:

"Sure! David and I would love to hangout tonight!"

Me: *steamfromears* Seriously? You couldn't have told me that an hour ago? Because he could have taken me places. I can bum rides off him. But I just canceled everything, so only Sam would show up. And if you know these boys, it's not really a wonderful idea to put them all together alone with me. It's just not. Things get territorial.

So, recap. I'm 2 hours and 15 minutes behind my already impossible schedule of school work and cleaning, I've had to cancel dance because otherwise I'll be stranded, I've had to cancel my fun plans because of the same, and I still don't even know if anyone can come with me to the fair tomorrow. Screw the world.

In one last effort, I ask Daniel if he and David will just come over and watch a movie with me tonight after dance. That way Cassidy CAN take me to dance, the boys can just get me on their way to my house and then we can chill.

Then I go back to cleaning my room.

Cassidy comes over, 'cause she just does.

My room is depressing and disastrous. Still haven't heard from Daniel.

5:35. We leave for dance at 6:15 if we're leaving...

5:45. Daniel texts me. He can pick me up. I can now go to dance and have a ride home. YES!

5:55. Oh. I should probably PUT THE FREAKING PIZZAS IN THE OVEN SO CASSIDY AND I CAN EAT.

6:15. Pizzas are ready. We eat.

6:30. Great. Late. But now on the way to dance.

6:55. Ten minutes late to dance, but I made it.

I spend the next two hours having a blast, despite the fact that I absolutely HATE this one chick in my class. Blurgh.

8:45: Daniel and David pick me up. I love them so much, guys. They're exactly what I needed.

We go home, and--OH. I forgot to tell you this: OUR DISHWASHER IS BROKEN. AND IT'S MY MONTH FOR THE DISHES. GOD. So I wash the day's worth of dishes while whining to my brothers. They laugh at me. Thanks guys.

Then we watch The Godfather, which is great.

I'm starting to get tired, but I don't wanna be left all alone after the kind of day I've had. I still have to get up early in the morning and clean because I didn't finish it all today and I'm going to the fair with Emma.

I tell the boys that even if I fall asleep they are obligated to stay with me until my mom gets home. They laugh at me. But they promise.

We start watching Ocean's Eleven. David bets that I will be out by 11:45.

11:43. I'm asleep :3

12:20. I wake up, totally disoriented. The boys have done the remainder of the dishes for me. AWWWWWWWWW :) Then we watch Whose Line is it Anyway? until my mom gets home.

The evening was amazing, the day SUCKED MAJOR FREAKING ASS, Y'ALL.

And then there was today...

Honestly, I don't wanna talk about it, and this post is long enough as it is. Stay tuned though. It's a real doozy.

~Stephanie

Staying Creative: Take Breaks

I didn't.

More on that later.

~Stephanie

Staying Creative: Quit Beating Yourself Up

I go through phases of beating myself up. Sometimes it's over little things that seem big at the time, sometimes it's over the same things that plague me time and time again.

For instance, I'll beat myself up that I chose to stay home and relax instead of go out to dinner with my family.

I'll beat myself up about the time I told a really hot guy that I was homeschooled at an inopportune moment and did not even get his name. {Yeahh, there's a story with that one. Click here.}

I'll beat myself up for eating three brownies when I was full at two.

And little stuff like that. {Although, I'm pretty sure losing Mr. Hot Beach Guy qualifies as at least a MEDIUM-sized thing.}

Then I'll beat myself up about the same, like, three things all the time.

"Jeez, you have such a big mouth. Why can't you just, like, NOT TALK? Huh? Would that be so hard? To just shut it for like ten minutes and be a normal human being??"

"Your mind is a sad, disgusting place. You will never conquer erotica, because it's already conquered you like six jillion times."

"You never keep up with math. You never will. You just suck. You fail."

Etc.

But today, none of that. Nope. None. NO BEATING MYSELF UP.

Today we went to the fair, and it was AWESOME. I love people. Did you know that? I didn't. I mostly don't, actually, and I've actually said that to Cassidy. {Actually.} I just do not like people in general. But today, I did.

I liked the lady in the bathroom who stopped to make sure my sunglasses were okay when I dropped them.

I liked the funnel cake guy who told me where I could buy bottled water, then let me go get it while he made my funnel cake.

I liked the ferris wheel ticket guy who told me to take my time and not to worry when I couldn't actually locate my ticket right away.

I liked the soft pretzel guy who asked Sarah if she wanted a lot or a little bit of salt on her pretzel.

I liked the sleep number bed lady who told us that we could get this cover to put on mattresses that would make our bed like the sleep number one we wanted.

I also love the sights, sounds, smells and tastes of the fair.

I love the lights on the ferries wheel, spinning and flashing and making you smile.

I love the floppy-eared bunnies in the animal barn.

I love the candy-apple faces of the little kids.

I love the sheep baa-ing.

I love the venders begging to guess your age.

I love the live music, country or not.

I love the smell of sticky, sweet funnel cake.

I love the friendly, smokey smell of wood burning in Yester Year.

I love the head-turning scent of buttered popcorn.

I love the taste of freshly squeezed lemonade.

I love the taste of a perfectly crafted cheese pizza slice.

I love the playful, fleeting sweetness of cotton candy.

Basically, guys, I just love the fair.

And I love not beating myself up.

Well, at least for today.

~Stephanie

Staying Creative: Stay Away From Computer

Okay, so here's what happened.

1) Roll out of bed, unwillingly conscious, on autopilot, get on Facebook.

2) Mess around.

3) Go get dressed.

4) AWWWWWWWWWTODAYWASNOCOMPUTERDAY.

Then, I didn't get on alllll daaaay longggg.

5) And at dance, my friend Karlye was like, "So did you get the 20 songs I sent you to check out?"

Me: *blink... :(* "No."

6) Come home, intend to write the no-computer post in a notebook and post it tomorrow.

7) Remember the Karlye songs.

8) Resist.

9) Resist some more.

10) Stop resisting and listen to Wereworlf, Take a Picture, Virginia Moon, and others.

11) Decide I might as well post and be honest.

12) Theeeee endddddd.

I failed guys. Sorry. Tomorrow will be better. 'Cause all I have to do is...um... *checks sidebar* Oh, haaaaaaaaaaahahaaaaa. "Stop beating yourself up." Well, it's not tomorrow, so I guess it's okay to say that I failed XD 'Cause I did.

I failed.

Better luck to me tomorrow. I'm going to the fair :D

~Stephanie

Staying Creative: Freewriting

Hey, Kenzie {I can't find your blog link!} and Shayq'an! Thanks for following!

Blagghgheregh. *whimpers* I hate this. A lot. But here goes.

Freewriting...it should be liberating, spiritually enhancing...creativity-inducing...something like that. Instead, it just scares me. Freewriting has always been one of those things that makes me freeze up inside. I feel like Im' not allowed to erase or backspace, because it's supposed to be all about FREEDOM, and LETTING IT ALL OUT, and NOT WORRYING ABOUT ORGANIZATION.

Um. Do you know me? Like, remotely at all? Because if you do, you know I'm not a disorganized person. I'm not a letting go person. I am a free person, but freewriting doesn't feel like freedom...it makes me feel trapped.

I always end up feeling like whatever I wrote was stupid, which it usually is because I guess I always try to make it meaningful. I always try to write poetically, the way I think "freewriting" is SUPPOSED to be. All beautiful and graceful and emotional. Well, I'm not like that. I mean, if I'm sobbing into a pillow or something, I'll write about it. I don't RUN from my emotions, but the emotions I usually experience are the "hard" ones: anger, frustration, passion, excitement, hyperness... I'm not much of a crier, although I do get dreamy.

But you see, not when I write. Writing is a concrete thing to me, although I am very creative. I write dreamy characters, but when I write, teh world gets sharper, more focused. When I write, my thoughts align and I can think clearly and write EXACTLY what I mean to say. None of this "Eh, that word is close enough" sh*t. I want to say it RIGHT.

Which I guess is why freewriting sucks for me, because I want to get things right, and freewriting is all about letting yourself get it wrong, just so long as you get something.

So...Let's try this.

Freewriting...

I squeeze my eyes shut and try to block out the noise of the prompt, pounding in my eyes. The stress of it all is annoying, frustrating, restraining. I feel trapped and gray and black. I feel scrunched.

ZOMGGUYSIHATETHIS.

I think I'm done.

Aaaaand that was my freewriting exercise...Gawd, I'm glad today is over. Tomorrow, getting away from the computer...that'll be okay. I can do that. Prolly.

>.>

~Stephanie

Staying Creative: Carry a Notebook Everywhere

Page 1

Hopefully this isn't going to intrude/encroach on any of my other notebooks' jobs. I already have a journal, and an Omni Liber. You are just part of a project I'm doing this month called Stay Creative. I have to carry tu everywhere today. I've already miss that really, b/c I didn't take you to bootcamp, and I haven't actually carried you around the house. In fact, I'm just now beginning you and it's 2:11. Fail XD Dang. Maybe I'll keep you going even after today. Can't tell you how many times I've wished I had a notebook and haven't. This could be the start of something XD

You name will be Azul. Creative, I know, but bey, that's why I'm doing this in the first place.

Azul, welcome to my life.

Page 2

In Car:

- having you makes me feel a powerful aliveness I haven't felt in a long time!

- The clouds remind me of a beach. Sky = sand, clouds = foaming surf.

- sheesh, everything is better when I have a notebook on me!

- Cosmic Love gets inside me.

- The field is golden brown. I think...I dunno what it used to be. I should take a picture. I love the way it looks.

- You know, having a tiny keyboard would be the BEST.

- That field has tall grass topped w/soft, feathery purple-gray stuff. I want a picture of that too...

- I wish I could drive.

- Can't Take It reminds me so much of HoJ {House of Justice, my story}.

- The clouds are diverse and sci-fi-esque.

Page 2

In grocery store:

- ring pumpkin w/a colorful bottom-of-a-green-pepper looking thing in the middle.

- individually-wrapped sweet potatoes...

- white mountain bread...awesome! looks like peasant bread.

- i <3 chocolate chip coookies...

- what's aseptic...?

- milk is lighter since going to bootcamp.

- harvest tomatoe...like, not ripe tomatoe soup...?

- card category: "Suggestive Love." Awesome.

- I got the rottiserie chicken all by myself. I'm proud. I have a phobia of grocery stores alone. Even if my mother is 2 aisles away.

Page 3

In the Car:

- just saw a treehouse w/actual bark for siding.

- It sort of bothers me how he says "a'spected' instead of "expected" in Paradise.

- fall weather never fails to make me think of the fire fairies.

- Momma says the golden-brown plant field is/was soy beans.

TO DO:

- call Ed Wilson

- register for SAT

- cash tutoring checks

- fill out dance team competition forms

- check movies for Fri. night

Page 4

In the Car:

- You know how there are patches of trees covered in vines? They ALWAYS look like people to me.

- I HATE when ppl wave their hand in your face when you're staring off into space.

- I feel so disgustingly fat right now. Blurgh. Ate too much today.

- There's the golden-brown field again.

- I really do not want to got to this college prep thing...or whatever it is.

At the Thing:

- I look really homeschooled today... Didn't feel like putting on makeup and I'm wearing a mismatch of sweats.

- Oh goody. This woman looks home-schooled too... ANd she's carrying a box that says "Secret Recipe"... I shoulda worn my Papa Roach shirt w/the heart. She'd probably have a caniption.

- Now I feel bad about that sentence. I should be making her feel comfortable...

Page 5

During the Thing {I edited out my notes on the actual presentation. I just left the snarky, bored comments}:

- sometimes I still forget that everyone speaks English. I wish I were in Europe.

- More than anything I wish I had gotten dressed today. And put on makeup. I feel retarded.

- ...there's no way we're signing up for this...program? service?

- Holy wow, that the most awkward thing ever. My dad started clapping b/c the speaker lady was thanking someone and...no one joined in.

- Did...did she jus say, "For the next hour and a half..."?!

- Aww. Now she's telling that we students should take complete responsibility for getting into college... Damn. Shush.

- Oh man. She just talked about the hugely expensive "elite" colleges...and named every one I've considered.

- Maybe I should make a name tag that says, "I WANT TO GO TO WAKE AND NOWHERE ELSE" before she gets too fired up about helping us choose...

- I really hate the way this lady makes it seem like you can't possible do certain things. I can get into anywhere I put my mind to, okay? And so can everyone else. Anything is possible.

Page 6

- It's "FAFSA," okay? Not "FASFA."

- Okay, make up is now the least of my worries. I am so bored and tired. -___-

Tomorrow I will be Freewriting. That'll be interesting. I hate freewriting... *sigh* We'll see.

~Stephanie

Staying Creative: Make Lists

What are you waiting for? Click here to get in on this Staying Creative action.

Okay, we all know how much I love to do this anyway. I have roughly six jillion lists running at any given time. However, I feel like posting lists I've already made is cheating. If I'm going to stay creative, I have to actually do this stuff, like, on-goingly. {'Cause thaaat's a word.}

So, in honor of it being fall, I give you these autumn lists I made today:

Words To Describe Outside:

1. Crisp

2. Bright

3. Clear

4. Cold

5. Sharp

6. Alive

7. Mischievous

8. New

Things To Do This Fall:

1. Read

2. Drink tea

3. Go on walks

4. WRITE

5. Do my best in school

6. Love

7. Laugh

8. Learn

Things I'm Glad About:

1. My senior pictures went well.*

2. The SAT is behind me {until November 5th. *sigh*}

3. I can wear my "I <3 Roma" sweatshirt.

4. I'm doing better in math.

5. Thanksgiving is only a couple of months away.

6. I'm becoming great friends with my Norwegian exchange student neighbor.

7. I saw an R-rated movie in the theater.**

8. I love "The Illiad."

* I'll post the three sneak preview pictures the photographer put up on Facebook this week. I actually LOVE them. It's amazing what good camera can do!

** Yeah. Cassidy and I saw 50/50 this weekend, and it was awesome. I've seen plenty of R-rated movies at home, but this was the first one I had seen in the theater. I could pretend that I was really chill and nonchalant about it, but there are no secrets or lies on Pandora, so I have to confess that I felt like a six-year-old getting to stay up late.

I was kind of disappointed that they didn't card me though. I wanted to be like "BAAM. SEVENTEEN."

Of course, what I REALLY wanted to do was go see an R-rated movie ten months ago, when I was actually sixteen, and see if I could sneak in. But that never happened, and I'll probably be disappointed about it for the rest of my life. I thought you should know.

Stay tuned for tomorrow, when I will be carrying a notebook with me everywhere.

~Stephanie

29 Ways to Stay Creative

How cool is that? Cool enough to inspire a month's worth of posts, that's how cool!

I've decided to live each day according to one of the Ways to Stay, and then post about it. Hopefully by working my way through this list, I'll manage to keep my creative juices flowing for a least another month XD

But as I type this, another idea is coming to me.

How are YOUR creative juices doing? Are you staying creative? Yes? No? Maybe not as much as you'd like?

How about we do this together? Let's make it a party while we're at it. Live each day doing one of the things on the list, and then post about it that night/the next day. Or maybe if you just want to do a few of the days, that's fine.

What do you think? Who's up for Staying Creative through the month of October? :) I'll keep the list of days going on the sidebar a week at a time if you just want to jump in for certain appealing-sounding days.

Take the button and let's get creative!

~Stephanie