Trying Different

Wow, thanks for following, Adelle {who blogs with the lovely Gabrielle}, normal.is.overrated {who will write for Miss Unlimited}, and knockedaskew {another Miss Unlimited writer}! I'm not sure what to say about this influx of followers, but thanks, everyone! I'm determined NOT to get too wrapped up in numbers, but I'm not gonna lie, it makes blogging more fun when I know people are "listening."

~~~~~~~

Every year, you make New Year's Resolutions. Sometimes they're all new; sometimes they're the same old goals you set year after year and never reach.

Or maybe you stopped making "Resolutions." Maybe you don't like to feel like a failure when you don't live up to your own expectations. Come to think of it, who does? I don't.

Every year, we promise ourselves to try harder. We'll get up earlier or put in more hours or trash talk ourselves louder. "This is the year," you think. "I'm gonna try harder than ever. I'm gonna try my hardest."

And how does that work for us?

My NWRs last year were

- stop cracking my knuckles

- finish a story

- conquer my problem {masochistic erotica}

- finish my math book

- get in shape

- never go on Omegle again

I did one and a half of those things. I got in shape, and I'm officially a year clean from erotica.

{I say I achieved one and a half and not two because I don't think the erotica issue is something I can exactly "conquer". I think I'll always struggle with it, at least some. But I do think I did well. Staying clean for a year was one of--if not THE--biggest thing I've ever done. It took so much prayer, willpower, and determination. I don't think I failed at achieving the resolution; I think I failed at making it. I shouldn't have made it a goal to "conquer" my problem; I should have resolved to do my utmost to stay clean for a year.}

Anyway, I achieved 1.5 of 6 resolutions, and I had made all of them but the Omegle one in years past. I guess I just haven't tried hard enough yet. Right?

I'm starting to doubt that statement. Let's look at it logically. Take the resolutions that I DID achieve. Why did I succeed?

In years past, I've relied solely on myself to get in shape. "I'll take up jogging," I told myself. "I'll do two hundred crunches every night. I won't eat junk food."

This year, I did something different. I joined a workout class with my mom. {That looks unbelievably lame when I type it out, but I promise you, this class kicks your ass.} The trainer is personal and persistent. I wasn't alone in my quest for fitness anymore; I got accountability. I tried something new.

I also went a whole year without reading masochistic crap online. How did I do that? To be honest, I feel like I can't take any credit for that all. I tried for years to contain my twisted side and failed over and over. I doubt that I got a sudden burst of unprecedented strength when 2011 hit. I give all the credit away, to God mostly, but also to other people.

God's presence, strong and faithful, kept me sane in 2011. When I felt like I couldn't stand up against the temptations, God was there standing up for me. Through others' prayers, he aided me and gave me hope and strength all year long.

My mom knew about my problem, but I didn't make her understand until the beginning of last year. She thought it was something I could just quit, cold turkey, like throwing away a ratty pair of jeans. I made her understand that THIS DOES NOT WORK LIKE THAT. By being a better communicator, I gained a stronger ally in my journey.

I also started this blog. I think the biggest mental block towards recovery was the loneliness and shame. By keeping my struggle hidden, there was no way I could ever have deep fellowship. By keeping my problem secret, there was no way I could ever gain acceptance. Pandora has helped me realize that IT'S OKAY TO BE MESSED UP. By sharing my darkest secret, even with just this small part of the world, I've been able to accept myself a little better.

And that is making all the difference in the world.

So what did my two successful resolutions have in common? One thing is OTHER PEOPLE. We're all lazy and lack self-discipline sometimes. You need accountability this year. Get others involved in what you want to accomplish, for moral support and a kick in the butt when you need it.

{And don't forget to be an ally for other people, too. The best way to have strong friends is to be one. Ask what you can do to help others this year.}

The second thing is DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Let's face it: I would never have started jogging or doing two hundred crunches every night or cutting out junk food entirely. Some people can pull those things off, but I certainly could not.

{A part of me is indignantly screeching "YES, YOU COULD HAVE, EVENTUALLY." Well, Screeching Part of Me, that was taking way too long.}

This year, don't try HARDER, try DIFFERENT. Get down to the root of your problems, like I've begun to do with my masochism. By uncovering the burning loneliness and raw shame, I've been able to get farther than ever on the road to recovery.

This year, dig down deep and do something different. {Lawl, alliteration.}

With that in mind, here are my Twenty-Twelve New Year's Resolutions:

1. Finish a story.

2. Stay erotica clean for another year.

3. Stop cracking my knuckles.

4. Try my best in school.

Good luck, and thanks for listening to me. It's making a lot of difference.

~Stephanie