The Ellie Experience Part 2

*sigh* Being Ellie's friend is exhausting at best. We used to help each other equally; she'd rant to me, I'd rant to her, and we'd help each other out. I always felt better after talking to her. She would help me see reason, and I'd do the same for her.

I don't even LIKE girl friends that much, but being friends with her was one of the most helpful things in my entire life.

However, lately it's all about Ellie. I mean even before she got engaged. She didn't want to hear about my problems; I was simply her personal shrink and if *I* ever needed something, oops, it wasn't a good time to talk.

I missed her more than I could see coming. My insides started to fall apart rather unexpectedly. I starting thinking a lot of thoughts that needed to be sorted out, and suddenly I realized that the person I wanted to talk to the most was Ellie, who wouldn't talk to me. I tried my guy friends, who were great, but what I really needed was my best friend.

Then the other day when Ellie texted me, she said she knew she'd been a crappy friend lately, but I was seriously her best friend and she was sorry.

:D YAY!

See, sometimes I forgive too easily. Maybe "forgive" isn't quite the right word. But if someone has been a jerk to me {like Ellie}, the second they show a sign of acknowledging it and wanting to do better, I'm all over it. I smile, I laugh, I feel happy tears. Yay! My friend is back! I'll help you with your problems again, and I know you'll help me with mine now! Yay! :D

I actually have to guard against that tendency. {And by guard against it, I mean panic to someone I trust and cling to what they're telling me is the right thing to do because I really just want to believe that the friend will change.} But with Ellie I didn't guard that well. I was ecstatic that she'd "come back" and we could help each other with life again.

However even in the lull between helping Ellie make a difficult decision and telling her parents about it, she never once asked what was going on with me, even just to say, "I really want to hear what's up with you later!" In our conversation, it was painfully obvious that something was up with me.

Me: "I'm glad to help! Dealing with this stuff is fresh in my mind because I just did something a tiny bit similar."

A mentally ill person could read between the lines on that one. But she didn't even acknowledge the message in there. She just said,

"Well i'm so glad cause i need all the help i can get right now!!!"

:-/

Glad to help.

I really want to be someone who doesn't need help figuring out her thoughts. I'd love to rock on with life, shrugging things off and sorting things out on her own. That would be ideal. Then I wouldn't have to bother others, and I'd feel a lot stronger in myself.

Sometimes I think I'm becoming that way. When I started this blog, I felt that way. Up until recently I've felt that way. But then I just realized that was because I didn't HAVE confusing thoughts.

I wasn't getting stronger, there just wasn't anything to lift. Now that there is, I'd like some best friend help.

And now that there is, she's not around to help me.

~Stephanie